This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Excuse me while I go make love to a bean burrito

The only way I can describe the madness that is going on inside my brain is to compare these first several weeks of pregnancy to an ecstasy trip. Not in the sense that it’s all euphoria and dancing and kissing, no. In fact, it’s just the opposite of that, I’d like to kick any human who comes within three feet of me because I CAN SMELL YOUR PORES. A few weeks ago we tried to vote early at the University of Utah, and when we walked into the student union I could smell gym socks and acne. It was like nuclear fallout, the stench of oily young boys, and the panic I experienced was not unlike being suffocated to death by a sweaty athletic sock recently peeled off the foot of a basketball player with toe fungus.

No, these first few months of pregnancy are like an ecstasy trip in that food tastes better than it has ever tasted in my life. It was not like this with Leta, I was so sick then that I could not eat anything and watched my weight plummet. This time I can eat anything, preferably enormous portions of anything, and no matter what it is, I can’t remember it ever tasting so magnificent. Every piece of gum I chew is the most delicious piece of gum I have ever chewed, every glass of water I sip is the most fresh, most sparkling liquid ever gathered from the earth. On our recent trip to Los Angeles I ordered a large pretzel at the airport while waiting for our flight home, and Internet, I HAD NO IDEA A PRETZEL COULD TASTE LIKE THAT. I wanted to strip naked and roll around with it on the floor.

Jon cannot taste the difference in food, which I do not understand because it is like seeing light for the first time. When I’m done with breakfast in the morning I fantasize about the possibility of lunch. I COULD HAVE ANYTHING. And chances are, IT IS GOING TO BE SPECTACULAR. I had friends in California who used to drop ecstasy on a regular basis, and they would go on and on about the taste of orange juice or the sweetness of a lollipop, and I would roll my eyes so hard that I could see the back of my skull. But I think I finally understand what they were going on about, EXCEPT THIS IS LEGAL. Even Mormons could try this. AND THEY HAVE.

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