An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Version 6.1

You may have noticed that last week we launched a modified design to this website, and I didn’t want to say anything about it for a few days because I just couldn’t get enough of the disgruntled email. I sort of inadvertently conducted a little social experiment, one where the longer I remained silent about the changes, the angrier certain people became. In fact, it started when I failed to update the masthead at the very beginning of February, when I dared to subject people to the words JANUARY 2009 for several unbearable days. Here’s what some of you had to say:

Are your Christmas lights still hanging outside? Perhaps your tree is still in the corner of your living room, dropping needles and ornaments on a regular basis? It’s February 9th. As in NOT January any longer. Please change your masthead. It’s an embarrassment.

And this missive sent on February 5th…

You make LIVING off of this website. Therefore; I feel you have a responsibility to your readership and sponsors to keep your site current.  I don’t have the slightest clue as how to design a masthead or a website or anything else for that matter.  But Dude, it’s mid-February.  Where’s the new masthead?

Some just cut to the chase, like this one sent on February 2nd:

It’s February and you haven’t changed your banner. So unprofessional.

Truth is, I was hoping that we could launch the major website design changes at the beginning of the month, but that date kept getting pushed back, and the February masthead I had designed fit the new layout. So I didn’t think it would upset the rotation of the Earth too much if the masthead remained in its January clothes for a few more days. Oh, how I underestimate the testiness of certain readers! I’m going to let you in on a secret… sometimes, when I’m feeling sinister, I like to use “your” when I mean “you’re” and “there” when I mean “they’re” because one or two or thirteen hundred of you find such a mistake so insufferable that you cannot help but send me an email that begins with, “I don’t usually do this, but…” and ends with your heads spontaneously exploding. It’s that popping sound I love so much.

And then the redesign… dear lord god, I don’t think I would have received such a strong response if I had visited your house and taken a shit in your Cheerios. There are several reasons I wanted to change things up a bit, and in the interest of being totally honest, the main one is BECAUSE I’M PREGNANT. The fact that I have not shaved my head and covered my face in tattoos can be explained only by my unwavering lethargy, and if I had maybe one or two cups of strong coffee I’d be out there right now looking for someone to dye my entire body blue. The need for change is as overwhelming as it is inexplicable, and this trickled right down into the design of my website. It’s probably all the hormones, but I was tempted for just a second to replace everything with a giant picture of my lily-white ass and a thought bubble shooting out of my crack. It would say: DUDE, IT’S MID-FEBRUARY.

Other reasons for the changes: many of you complained that the text was too small to read, so we enlarged the size of the text and added a bit of space around everything. Many of you complained that I never updated my website unaware that I post pictures and commentary every day in the Daily Photo, Daily Chuck, and Daily Style section of this website. Since I moved those thumbnails into the main content area, I’ve received countless emails to the tune of, “I like this new Daily Photo section you added…” A section that has been around for almost five years.

For those of you who found the relocation of those thumbnails a personal insult, I am terribly sorry, I did not mean for it to upset you so badly. We have since added tabs above the masthead that take you directly to the most recent post in those sections. I’m hoping this solves the navigational issues that frustrated so many of you.

Yes, I still plan on updating and changing the masthead every month, and I promise I will try to avoid using hot pink in future versions, although, did you read that paragraph above about spontaneous explosions? In the coming weeks we plan to launch several other changes mainly to the layout and function of the archives, changes that should make it so much easier to navigate through older content. It’s still a work in progress, and I’m listening to and taking notes of the more constructive suggestions. Best one so far:

I hate your new layout. Such a hassle to have to scroll. Two words: lame.

I asked Jon if he could please fix this bug.

  • Oh my god this made me laugh. I have no problem with your new layout. I feel the need to change mine every few months and wordpress feels the need to wipe out my content every few months so it’s a win-win situation.

  • Kelly Goudy

    New site rocks. All the haters can suck it. Honestly.

  • Carol

    OMG, people are crazy.

  • I dig the new topbar.

    Also: Did you not get the memo? You are obligated to act upon the wishes of the Internet. Less pink. More masthead updates. Chop chop.

  • I say screw all of the haters.I love the new look.
    And for not changing the masthead….my wall calender is still on DECEMBER 2008 for gods sake.

  • kommishoner

    Sometimes I think I get worked up over ridiculous details. Having read this, I realize I’m in pretty good shape.

  • Christina

    Fuck ’em.
    I love it!

  • Excuse me, but MY Christmas decorations are still up, every last one of them. SOMEONE COME MAKE SOMETHING OF IT RIGHT NOW. 😉

    I cannot imagine from which bridge some of these people need to crawl out from under to send in such commentary.

  • darcy

    i love the hot pink! it’s a color that i’ve associated with february (a god-awful month) for years and i couldn’t have been more pleased when i saw it. 😀

  • Two words :awesome

    yeah, I like the new layout, good work 🙂
    (tho I know me liking it won’t bring you near as much joy as my head exploding. Sorry)

  • Emily

    Really? People have that much time on their hands to complain about the design of YOUR website? wow…just, wow…

  • Barb

    I love your blog. I don’t care what you do to it – it’s always perfect! Thank you (especially!) for sharing all the crazy ‘stuff’ that goes on out there.

  • 1. mmmm … cheerios
    2. lame is one word
    3. ‘merika — greatest country in the world.
    the complaints likely are coming from the 1% of dubya fans still stinging from the loss
    4. you funnAY
    5. love. it. all.
    6. scrolling is phun!

  • Anonymous

    I think the new layout is super. I don’t often go to the website because I get the feed, but I can say that is a much easier layout to navigate. I remember reading your about blog when I first found you where you said I take a photo of my dog, a design item and write something everyday (or to that effect) and trying to show my husband a few hours later those three things and I had some trouble finding the this is good, it looks quite beautiful I think.. bravo..

  • Stacy

    I think the haters need to get lives. I admit that at first I was like, WTF? I don’t want to SCROLL! But because I have the ability to reason and critically think, I took a wild guess and figured you were in mid-tweak. And since when did it become a federal offense to change? Sure, I kind of prefer the old format, but it’s just what I’m used to. But I’m already getting used to this new layout and am sure that before long I won’t even remember what the old one looked like. Dear haters: Suck it. And go find something important to do.

  • Anna Lee

    Love the new layout and look. Should have said something sooner!! Some people have too much free time on their hands. Thanks for making me smile today.

  • Nina

    You crack me up. I honestly hadn’t even noticed that you ‘needed’ to change the masthead. I kind of liked the January one. You apparently have some readers who need someone to take a shit in their cheerios so they can complain about something important, like eating shit, rather than your masthead. Keep up the good work!
    oh and I love seeing what crazy people write to you. You should have a section where you post all the angry e-mails. It would make me laugh.

  • Elizabeth

    Uh, it’s YOUR blog and YOUR life. You can do whatever you want with it, and I will still feel privileged to get to read it every day. Rock on, Heather.

  • Javan

    Oh, oh – stomach cramps from laughing so hard! This is such a great post and one of the reasons I love your site so much – your (I’m sorry, you’re) scathing wit. Thanks for sharing! Two words: awesome!

  • I like the main page layout a lot, but the archives are a little wonky on my browser.

  • I love it! Those folks are asshats who clearly don’t appreciate good design.

    well done, heather and hubby!

  • Some of these people need to take a nap… or their meds.

  • CB

    I like the new layout and anyway, the writing, photos and general awesomeness of you is why I frequent the site.

  • Kim

    Two words: awesome

  • kym b

    well, i may be alone in this, but my feelings are that it is your website and you can make the layout however you want.

    there, i said it. hope you can handle that.

    damn there are a lot if morons out there, huh?

  • AmyM

    Great website. It’s yours, change it however you want. Though, I do like the “thought bubble coming out of your ass crack” idea.

  • Lauren

    Clearly those upset about the delay in the masthead update don’t have children nor have they ever been pregnant. D-bags!

    Bring on more hot pink!

  • Khrystan Policarpio

    I have to admit, it was a bit weird when I came here and the layout was completely changed. It’s a little refreshing, definitely not as easy to navigate. I kept clicking the pictures of Jon, Coco, Chuck and Leta… haha.

  • Christy Wood

    Two more words:

    Hilarious 😉

  • People are jerks 😛 I like hot pink and the pictures in the new header. I didn’t notice until you said something because I Just come through the feed reader, but it looks good 🙂 Nice and clean, simple.
    And since I never come over I’ll say my congratulations in a very timely manner on your new family member! 🙂

  • grrrrl

    seriously? all you whiners need to back the fuck up! dooce has been on the cutting edge of doing cool things to entertain you in your boring lives for years and meanwhile you in your idiocracy don’t have the foresight to consider that maybe she had something big up her sleeve.

    and pink is hot. hot pink is especially hot.


    heather, you kick ass as usual…

  • Kelli

    As one who doesn’t love change, I cannot say I am in love with the new design, but I tell myself to “Suck it” instead of requiring you to do that. It is your f***ing site, for God’s sake. I don’t come for the design…I come for the pithy comments exactly like this post. It made me laugh out loud!

    Also, I have a nativity scene still taking up space in the foyer because my husband and I are at a standoff as to whose job this will be. We may be celebrating the birth of baby Jesus in July here!

  • Anonymous

    The complainers should be forced to read thru Google Reader where the GUI is transparent anyhoo…Love your site – thanks for my daily dose of humor.

  • kym b

    a lot OF morons….of….geesh, now i look like one of them….

  • I’ve been hoping you’d post some of your hate mail. I feel bad you get that mail at all, but it’s always good for a laugh.

  • Screw the whole lot of them who complain. Man, some people have too much time on their hands. Love the new layout and suddenly have an urge for Cheerios.

  • You’re blog is awesome. (I hope my misuse of ‘your’ makes several heads explode.) Keep doing what you’re doing!

  • People are stupid. The new design is EFFING RAD. Pink ftw.

  • mfree

    i liked the change but have to agree the tabs at the top help. thanks for adding them!
    p.s. your haircut rocks.

  • ahahahaha. I almost cried laughing. Not only are there people who devote the energy to caring if you are always grammatically correct and use hotpink in your not always up-to-date masthead…but they take time to contact you about it.

    I read this blog because it amuses me….but I’m afraid I don’t love you enough to care that deeply. I’m sorry, Dooce. I hope you don’t take it personally.

  • Morgan

    Its inspiring to see the way you deal with the feedback that you get. To not take it personally and even find some value in it is fabulous. Well done!

    I do enjoy the new tabs though!

  • I totally love the new theme. I had no idea so many IDIOTS visited your website!

  • It’s February? Great. I depend on YOU to let me know when the months change. I was a no-show at my own (FEBRUARY 5TH!) wedding because of you. Also my honeymoon tickets to Barbados(FEBRUARY 7TH!) were non-refundable. Thanks a heap.

  • erinhazel

    i liked the new layout, but i also like the addition of the 3 daily tabs on the top.

    change is good.


  • cord

    I love any sort of change. Pink is aweseome, I’ve learned over the last five years. I have two daughters (5 and 1.5) and am 25 weeks prego with a boy! So, I hope this poor boy loves pink, too. And Barbies, and Ponies, and Polly Pockets, and barrettes, and of course PRINCESSES because I’m pretty sure that’s all he’s getting. Heck, even the exersaucer we have is BRIGHT PINK. Poor son.

    People are stupid. Keep doing your thang!

  • Scrolling IS such a hassle. All that lifting of the finger, and the moving of the finger, and the screen going up and down. I mean, why can’t we have everything right in front of us where we never have to even move our eyeballs up or down? I want all my words to be in one inch of a screen laid one on top of the other. If my eyeballs move, I just end up getting so sleepy.

    Will you pass me that bag of Funyuns? tiiiirredddd….Zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzz

  • I wish that those people who have nothing better to do with their time than criticize you would come and do some of my work for me. It must be nice to have so much free time.
    I like the new look.

  • Stephanie

    Why must these dumb asses abuse the email system so? GOOGLE READER people. Then you can see the pretty pictures, enjoy the sassily written words, and never have to be upset by late redecoration! Sorry, I know your advertisers won’t like this comment. But the people complaining probably never click the links anyway. I will go click a few dozen times to make up for them. (Who doesn’t need a 50th anniversary edition Barbie?)

  • Anonymous

    Wow, and I thought I had anger management issues. I feel way, way better about myself, reading your commenters.
    Liked the old design. Like the new design. It’s your site. Enjoy it. I sure do.

  • LisaG

    It could be poop brown text on a white page and you and your family would still rock! But I love your photos too.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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