An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

30 weeks

Last week marked my 30th week of pregnancy (tomorrow marks week 31), so I had Jon snap this photo last Wednesday night in Austin at our hotel room a few hours after the book signing:

30 weeks

Friday morning I had an appointment with my OBGYN who made a point of telling me that she was much more pleased with this month’s weight gain, a surprisingly low three pounds, than with my weight gain throughout the rest of my pregnancy. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. Internet, I have been eating room service and airplane peanuts for three straight weeks. Readers brought me doughnuts and rice krispie treats and enormous chocolate cupcakes, and I ate all of it. Plus, I slept like total crap. I’m surprised the scale did not start screaming when it saw me waddling down that hallway.

Whereas in the months before my book tour I was much more careful about the quality and quantity of food I put into my mouth and maintained a three-to-four day a week workout schedule, and every time they weighed me it was all ARMSTRONG, THAT’S ANOTHER TWELVE POUNDS. So she can sit there and wave her finger at me and tell me to lay off the potato chips, but come on! Those numbers don’t lie! I gained less weight by eating more sugar! That’s called science! It was my body’s way of saying HEY HEATHER! WE NEED MORE CUPCAKES!

I don’t know if I can find the words to describe just how happy I am to be home. Even though I came back to Utah on the weekends throughout the tour, those days were always filled with the chaos of laundry and administrative work that made it impossible to relax. I think Coco summed it up nicely last Friday morning after she had been home for about 18 hours from the kennel. We’d picked her up late Thursday afternoon, and she was understandably happy to see us, but it wasn’t until the next morning when we let her out of her crate and she realized she was still at home that she began what would end up being a thirty-minute crying jag. On and off the bed she jumped, and then back and forth between our room and Leta’s room she charged with the speed of a rocket, and the whole time this distressed, ear-piercing wheeze came out of her mouth, HAAAAYYEEEEEE HAAAAYYEEEEEE HAAAAYYEEEEEE, to express her disbelief. It’s like she was so filled with joy that the only way she could communicate the magnitude of it was to cry inconsolably. I knew exactly how she felt, minus the desire to walk into the bathroom and eat whatever was in the toilet.

Chuck sat silently at the foot of our bed watching the blur of her body whip between rooms. It looked like he was watching a tennis match. At one point Jon seized Coco and tried helplessly to calm her down, and Chuck just stared at him without an ounce of sympathy. I imagine that if I had just been forced to sleep with her inside a cage for six straight nights that I would have been feeling just like Chuck in that moment, like how much can you people take? No really, how much? Because all we need is a box and some tape, and we can send her back. Poke some holes in the top, she’ll be fine. I didn’t have a camera on me that morning, but I can confirm that Chuck was absolutely adorable sitting there plotting Coco’s mysterious disappearance.

  • Traveling sounds like fun and games until you get home and realize how much you were secretly dying inside for your bed/pillow/creaky floorboards/giant mysterious vines creeping over the side of your house like a silent green thriller flick.

    Congrats on making it to (almost) week 31, you’re looking great. Pregnancy weight is so weird, isn’t it? Maybe the baby is tired too from all the jet-setting and has been squirreling away all those cupcake calories until such time as she can pop a rom-com into the DVD player and go to town.

  • You look seriously AMAZING! I was way more large and in charge at just 15 weeks.

  • Wow P-Rick, that is a pretty disturbing story. There’s nothing like someone’s inoperable spine tumor to make you appreciate your discomfort!

  • I gained so much weight during both of my pregnancies that it’s what keeps me from having a third. My second is almost one and I’ve been fighting off the weight this entire time, still have 18 pounds to go! After loosing 22. Yeah, pregnant me = Artie Lange. Fo real.

  • Welcome home! BTW, you look GREAT for 30 weeks. It must be all the sugar.

  • That’s pretty much my dog whenever we’re gone for a few hours. She whines and shakes, and I have to hold her big ass and tell her it’s okay and “no, I’m not angry that you decided to show your angst by shitting in three different places. Frankly, I’m amazed you could hold it all the 10 times we let you out before we left.”
    Ah, isn’t great owning a dog?

  • Anonymous

    do you have a deep seeded need for the whole world to tell you that you are beautiful? why? you are so stuck on yourself it is gross. and your blog sucks any more-that is why you did not win shit in austin-and the other cool woman-the REAL woman from the ranch did. get over yourself-you are irrelevant and your book is boring.

    ps-your chin looks like a weapon in this photo.

  • Maria from NJ

    You look as beautiful as always.


    (OMG and exactly what redwood tree does #157 have rammed up her/his ass??)

  • I’m so happy to see your comments open! I just love your blog and your stories of Chuck and Coco remind me so much of my own kooky dog. Good luck with the next 10 weeks!

  • Gorgeous! I think women never look so beautiful as when they are very pregnant!

  • I don’t know about you, but that is the first doctor’s scale I like!

    Mine always weighs me at least 5 pounds heavier…….(in my opinion)

  • Ice cream works that way for me. I swear I can eat as much as I want to and not gain an ounce. I think it’s because it just melts right through!

    Keep up whatever it is you’re doing…you look awesome!

  • looking good! i disagree with Leigh: I ate ice cream almost every night for a month and gained like ten pounds 🙁

  • Anonymous

    You look beautiful! I had the same weight gain pattern you seem to be experiencing with my first pregnancy. I gained almost 40 lbs in the second trimester. In the third, despite gorging, only 10. WTF? Pregnancy is truly a time when one has very little control over one’s body!

  • Anonymous

    That’s a cute shirt, where did you get it?

  • Debbie

    I finished the book and loved it! when I opened the main
    page of AOL yesterday and saw you looking back at me I
    thought “YOU GO GIRL” ! Heather enjoy everyday that you
    have you so deserve it!

  • oh my doG what a great coco story. too cute!

    same goes for your sugar consumption (and your bump!). I hear ya, sister. and that’s why my little emilio (lio)–born 030709–likes his milk!

    so sorry i’ll miss you at kings english; i’m headed to calif today. more family meets lio!

  • Congratulations!

    I really enjoy your writing. Keep up the amazing work.

  • You do look wonderful.
    I found week 30 in both pregancies the most ‘ flattering’ out of all.
    Then all gets a bit too heavy…

  • Mari

    You look fantastic. I hope I look as good when I’m 30 weeks pregnant (some day). Love the Coco & Chuck stories. Chuck is my kind of dog.

  • As a nurse working in L&D and the NICU, I would say you look fantastic and healthy. I gained a pound a week for 40 weeks for both pregnancies. Did not matter what I ate, how I ate, or when I ate.

  • Claire

    You look gorgeous! Keep up with the cupcakes, you can’t argue with science.

  • Ev

    Heather, You look great no matter what. I want to know about the farting machine. What did that consist of??

  • Cupcakes are an international treasure and the secret to everything! You look lovely!!!

  • AnonyMouseFan

    Heather, you look great! And I just wanted to tell you that your pregnancy is going by really fast for me. So, I’ll try to keep that up as you go into the home stretch. I’m sure you’ll enjoy this time as a family of three (five) though. However, I also know you’ll enjoy having an itty-bitty again and will be so much more relaxed since you’ve done this before.

  • More CUPCAKES. Totally. But I am not pregnant and three pounds a month would not be as cute.

  • Katie

    You’re so lovely!

  • Very pretty and You look great.

  • hey hottie! those cupcakes have done wonders for your complexion. love the top, love the earrings. i hope to look as fabulous as you next time i have a bun in my oven.

    i enjoy your blurbs, as they make me smile and sometimes laugh out loud. like today. the coco story is classic and i can totally picture her with chuck standing by!

    keep on eating those cupcakes. 🙂

  • Alright, there’s a warm molten chocolate cake waiting for you at The Paris tomorrow. Come visit. We have lots-o-sugar awaiting you and your next satisfactory OBGYN appointment.

  • Heather, you look wonderful! I have a Coco, too. She’s not quite as big as your Coco…2.5lbs. Chihuahua. I enjoyed watching you on Oprah. You were very inspiring.

  • Somehow I thought I might see a Chuck photo with an Easter egg balanced on his head. Darn.

  • jane

    At 30 weeks last pregnancy I actually *lost* weight from the previous visit – because I had been on a strict gestational diabetes diet. My doctor questioned me on losing weight, but since I was following the nutritionist’s diet plan she couldn’t say much. I think our bodies just gain more some months than others, and one person may gain the most weight in months 4 & 5, someone else might gain the most in 7 & 8. Most of what our bodies are actually doing during pregnancy is a total mystery.

  • Anonymous

    First off, you look fabulous.

    About the weight thing: In my first two pregnancies, I exercised a LOT (I was military and took military exercise classes) and was careful about what I ate. I gained 50 lbs each time.

    This time, I have not exercised a lick due to intense contractions every time I try. I’m sorta careful about what I eat, but not obsessive the way I was. I’m 33 weeks and have gained 12 lbs. Now, where is the logic in that? There is none.

  • Megan

    God, what is wrong with all the anonymous haters commenting here? Especially the “your chin looks like a weapon” comment. Heather, you have a lovely strong featured face. Don’t let nameless, faceless retards tell you different.

  • JP

    Funny…that’s how my sister felt about my brothers for many years when we were younger. Although, she didn’t care about the conditions of sending them back. Box or otherwise.

  • renee’ d.

    You look bea-u-ti-ful!

    Was there at the Seatlle book signing – it was great!

  • 30 weeks into your pregnancy and you still look great!

  • That makes me thing uncomfortable thoughts and back pain. We would love to send you a baby gift.

    Let us know

  • That was so much fun to read! I smiled the whole time.

  • I don’t know how you did it, and still stayed sane AND only gained a little weight.

    You MUST be wonder woman?

  • Hi Heather:
    I have been waiting for a post to comment this!
    Your book was incredible. I read it in three days. You are my hero.

  • Dee

    Drat I missed you in NYC. Although glad to know you are back home safe, would have loved to have seen you, as they say, in the flesh.

  • Funny and entertaining article.
    Thanks for sharing!

  • I’m not even pregnant and could happily eat a scabby horse and put on 20 stone. We can’t all be heroes.

    You look great. MILF much?

  • That’s great. My husband was just away for 10 days. Our yellow lab is a daddy’s girl and when he came home she was almost airborne with delight.

    Good luck with your baby. I remember painting and ripping down a bar in our new house when I was 8 months. Tiring.

  • BEAUTIFUL. We are one (or two) weeks closer to meeting the new Armstrong!

  • Well congratulations on all your successes and good health!
    I miss my dogs manic puppy behavior. I know it seems impossible but she will mellow out as she ages!

  • Traci

    3 words, Beverly Hill’s Bakery. 902 E Logan (1610 s). Tons of chocolate and good stuff, even some gluten free items.

  • You are looking MAHHHH-VEL-OUS!!!! 🙂

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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