Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

36 weeks

Last week was the 36th of my pregnancy, and as of this past Sunday I’m officially less than three weeks away from my due date. I can’t believe I’m going to go ahead and admit this but, Internet, I’ve been eating powdered doughnuts THIS WHOLE TIME:

36weeks

36 weeks

Just think about all those empty calories screwing with the baby’s brain development. I know, I know. YOU’VE REALLY CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, ARMSTRONG!

So me and my body are not getting along, or maybe I should say that my body and my brain are not communicating very well and would benefit from a rigorous session of couples therapy. I’ve got all these ideas and plans in my head, none of them too elaborate or insane, just simple things like the rearrangement of boxes in the garage, and it’s like a team of menacing invaders have stationed themselves in various extremities of my body and are conspiring to take me down: ATTENTION! HOST ORGANISM THINKS SHE’S GOING TO LIFT A TOOLBOX. SEND CRIPPLING PAIN FROM HIP TO SHIN.

Once I’m flat on my back they’re implementing strategies to keep me in that position, like paralyzing my lower back, seizing the muscles in my abdomen, and cramping both legs. I think they’re responsible for the broken pinky toe on my left foot because just yesterday they tried to break the pinky toe on my right one. Like, this crazy woman thinks she’s just going to continue on with her life as if nothing ever happened. Fine, alert the team in her right leg to involuntarily kick at every object between here and the front door. COFFEE TABLE HIT! COFFEE TABLE HIT! Did we break any bones? Draw blood? Is there searing pain sending her to the floor? Good work! We’ll celebrate when the moaning has reached such a pitch that the spouse has left the house and purposefully driven the car into a tree.

And then last night I was changing into my pajamas when I noticed a giant rash across the lower half of my butt. I have watched enough Discovery Health Channel to know that rashes, especially ones during pregnancy, are not harbingers of good things. It’s not like, ooh goodie! A rash! This means I’m going to give birth to a giant basket of Snickers bars! It’s more like, uh oh. A rash. Guess I’ll get that EMERGENCY C-SECTION I ALWAYS WANTED.

I started to panic and had to contort my body in all sorts of weird positions to get a good look at it in the mirror, and I would not have blamed Jon had he jumped straight through the glass window in our bedroom to escape the abject gore of that kind of self-diagnosis. Hoo boy, if that image isn’t an effective form of birth control. Son, put on a condom lest you one day be forced into the same room as an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass.

I had giant hexagonal-shaped spots the color of blood all across my butt, and just as I was about to spiral down that hole of WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, Jon reminded me that we had spent the Memorial Day holiday with my family at a park. And had been sitting for hours at a picnic table whose benches were made of a metal woven in a hexagonal shape. And that perhaps ALL THAT EXTRA WEIGHT I’m carrying caused the blood to pool in such a pattern on my butt. I gently suggested that he rephrase his explanation and strike the word WEIGHT from his vocabulary, or at least resist the temptation to use it in front of his 37-weeks pregnant wife. And while he’s at it, how about fetching me that box of Donettes! Also, don’t forget that bottle of Hershey’s syrup, you know how I like to have something to wash down all that powder.

  • KAS

    Dear sweet god almighty and all of his cousins, I love you so much, Heather. Those pictures are hilarious and wonderful and I want to cry I’m laughing so hard .. I’m only a few weeks behind you and I have to say that shit, you pulled off that look better than I could have ..
    I love you. Keep it up. You’re making my pregnancy easier to tolerate. <3

  • Christine

    YEAH BABY!!!! You are awesome.

  • KAS

    And holy shit! I got first comment! I’ve never done that before! Oh my god, my life is complete.

    Either that or I’m more of an addict than I originally thought.
    Have to go pay attention to the toddler now ..

  • Susie

    I LOVE those pictures! As for the rash… HAhahaha!! Good luck for the remainder of your pregnancy… it will soon be over.

  • gwendolyn

    I almost spit out my black tea. very funny. my sister is due any day now. im childless out of 7 siblings so i love hearing these stories. i find all pregnant women become comedians. i mean. otherwise it seems you would always be crying!

  • Mary

    Photos totally made my day!! 😀

  • good god- you are amazing.
    little doughnuts! so good, so trashy.
    keep up the good work.

  • Geegee

    The PBR can in the pants…genius!

    You *are* awesome. And that has to be the funniest set of photos ever!

  • Danielle

    Awesome!! LOVE the pics. Empathize with rash. Just think.. in a few weeks you will be laughing. er, maybe not..

  • Love, love, love the photos!

  • Jon Pugh

    You are the funniest person ever!

  • Em

    I’ve never been pregnant but am secretly looking forward to the day I can wear jeans with a giant elastic waistband. Now however, I see no reason to wait if I can use them to carry cans of PBR around. Think of how much beer a non-pregnant chick could fit in there!

  • Misia

    You look hot in red lipstick!

  • Brilliantly trashy! Makes me want to get knocked up…

  • Julia

    Okay, I thought the photos with the tutu and tiara were amazing, but these just might take the cake.

  • Amanda

    Amazing. Every Pregnant woman should carry PBR in the lovely stretchy part of their pants.

    Dooce=Love

  • Jeri

    Two words: Donette Armstrong

  • Who knew that maternity pants were stretchy at the top simply as a means of keeping a beer can handy?!

    All that comes to mind is: White Trash Mommy Dearest, as you have a very Joan Crawford-esque look about you there. Too funny.

  • Julie

    You are at the very least, the most attractive knocked up trailer trash I have ever seen.

    AND I LIVE IN MISSISSIPPI.

  • Beth

    Mmmmm…donettes
    I envy you.
    Six months before I got pregnant, I was diagnosed with a wheat/gluten intolerance. Do you know how hard it is to go through pregnancy without donuts, lucky charms, real bread, etc etc etc??? Oh, I envy you. 😉

  • Cat

    LOVE the photos, although…aren’t the chemicals in that lipstick full of baby-endangering carcinogens and isn’t mascara the Devil?

  • Carrie

    LOVE the pictures!! Reminds me of a t-shirt that I often sported during my first pregnancy indicating that it was 5 o’clock somehwere! Tacky yet comfortable and one of the few things left that would fit!

  • LOVE IT! Good acting skills there! I don’t know how you did it without laughing.

  • That lipstick is delicious.

  • Jessica

    Sweet Jesus. You have balls. I love it!

  • The J

    Awesome! Those pictures are hilarious. Great Idea.
    The tattoo is a nice touch 🙂

    Mmmh… donuts… What’s that drink you got there? I’m not from the USA, so I don’t know, but I’m curious.

  • sandra

    Are you sure you weren’t raised in Horn Lake instead of Bartlett?

    Only someone from the Memphis area would get this!

  • This Rules. Hilarious.

  • I don’t think I’ve ever commented before, but this one was the dam breaker. You’re one funny, very pregnant chick! LOVED the pictures and post!

  • HolyShite

    I’ve never heard so much complaining about a broken toe in my entire life.

  • Anonymous

    those photos are effing awesome!

  • Holy Crap – I just laughed so hard a little pee squeezed out (time for more kegels). Those pictures are priceless – baby book worthy for sure!!

  • I’m 31 weeks and the drug store sells tubs of cotton candy that my DH has to watch me eat in the car outside of the dog park because I just can’t wait until after we let the dog play.

    Because I’m selfish. And the baby really needs pink sugar fluff to grow fat and happy.

  • Christy Wood

    You totally look like a model from W magazine, it’s that I-just-had-my-ass-kicked-and-I-like-it look….I have to go back and read the post now. Jaw dropped….LOL at these photos. Hilarious. Do one more with a tooth blacked out…that would be the cherry on top. 🙂

  • jessica

    I love the Material Girl look! You are hilarious.

    I think that men should strike the word “weight” from their vocabulary at all times–at least in reference to their partner. It’s a no win situation.

  • Aspen

    The pictures are amazing but it was this sentence that just led to spit coffee all over my work laptop:

    “Son, put on a condom lest you one day be forced into the same room as an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass.”

    You are hilarious.

  • Amy

    ‘shopped!

    (It doesn’t count if you don’t light the ciggie or open the beer, my dear!)

    Hilarious.

  • Lori W

    No Jeri I have a better one.

    Vancenne Armstrong

    Heather you crack me up!!! Is this look left over from when you were undecover with the Salt Lake Sheriff’s on a hooker raid!

  • Becky

    That can of PBR is a hoot! Whose idea was it for that photo shoot? Jon must have been laughing so hard! I mean… LOOK AT YOUR HAIR!!!!! 37 weeks photo? I really think you need to give Leta some doughnuts and have her plant some big powdery white smooches on your fabulous baby belly!

  • great, now i want donuts. . .and beer. and maternity pants.

  • Samantha

    HAHA. I died.

  • Holy White Trash Scully! Seriously, I was thinking these were posted from a Gillian Anderson photoshoot!

  • Nik

    Killer shots!

    First time I’m commenting from Canada and although I’m not NEAR as funny on paper (errr, blog) as you, it is so refreshing to have someone who has similar thoughts running through her head who can coherently put them in clever and witty form.

    Thanks for making my day 🙂

  • HAHA! Those pictures are priceless. I love that you did this.

  • Dharma

    your “hexagonal” issue reminds me of when I was pregnant with “Number 2” as we affectionately refer to him….

    I had been at an all day baseball tourney with Boy#1 and was swollen up like a water buffalo, leaning against the chainlink for the better part of the afternoon. You know, yelling like a crazed Mom/ Banshee at my kid who wanted to disappear through the clay dust of the diamond. The next day and for about 3 days I looked like I was selling off portions of my belly….that or creating some sort of grid system for the kids to identify if that was indeed “a foot or a chin” and what quadrant it was in….

    love your stuff lady, keep it up

  • Catherine

    I love your sense of humor. I wonder how many people will berate you just for having an unlit cigarette in your mouth haha.

  • Best. Picture. EVER.

  • Holy cow you look like Michelle Pfeifer in Grease 2…or maybe it was the Fabulaous Baker Boys. Or maybe it was dangerous Liasons’…but without the hooped skirt.

    I read this post as if you were cracking and smacking chewing gum throughout the whole thing.

  • Jessica

    OMG. I just saw the rolled up cigarette box in the sleeve. ROFL!!

  • Joy

    Most excellent photos.
    (Jon could sell them on his site and in no time, you guys will have funded a college education for little Donette.)