Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

36 weeks

Last week was the 36th of my pregnancy, and as of this past Sunday I’m officially less than three weeks away from my due date. I can’t believe I’m going to go ahead and admit this but, Internet, I’ve been eating powdered doughnuts THIS WHOLE TIME:

36weeks

36 weeks

Just think about all those empty calories screwing with the baby’s brain development. I know, I know. YOU’VE REALLY CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, ARMSTRONG!

So me and my body are not getting along, or maybe I should say that my body and my brain are not communicating very well and would benefit from a rigorous session of couples therapy. I’ve got all these ideas and plans in my head, none of them too elaborate or insane, just simple things like the rearrangement of boxes in the garage, and it’s like a team of menacing invaders have stationed themselves in various extremities of my body and are conspiring to take me down: ATTENTION! HOST ORGANISM THINKS SHE’S GOING TO LIFT A TOOLBOX. SEND CRIPPLING PAIN FROM HIP TO SHIN.

Once I’m flat on my back they’re implementing strategies to keep me in that position, like paralyzing my lower back, seizing the muscles in my abdomen, and cramping both legs. I think they’re responsible for the broken pinky toe on my left foot because just yesterday they tried to break the pinky toe on my right one. Like, this crazy woman thinks she’s just going to continue on with her life as if nothing ever happened. Fine, alert the team in her right leg to involuntarily kick at every object between here and the front door. COFFEE TABLE HIT! COFFEE TABLE HIT! Did we break any bones? Draw blood? Is there searing pain sending her to the floor? Good work! We’ll celebrate when the moaning has reached such a pitch that the spouse has left the house and purposefully driven the car into a tree.

And then last night I was changing into my pajamas when I noticed a giant rash across the lower half of my butt. I have watched enough Discovery Health Channel to know that rashes, especially ones during pregnancy, are not harbingers of good things. It’s not like, ooh goodie! A rash! This means I’m going to give birth to a giant basket of Snickers bars! It’s more like, uh oh. A rash. Guess I’ll get that EMERGENCY C-SECTION I ALWAYS WANTED.

I started to panic and had to contort my body in all sorts of weird positions to get a good look at it in the mirror, and I would not have blamed Jon had he jumped straight through the glass window in our bedroom to escape the abject gore of that kind of self-diagnosis. Hoo boy, if that image isn’t an effective form of birth control. Son, put on a condom lest you one day be forced into the same room as an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass.

I had giant hexagonal-shaped spots the color of blood all across my butt, and just as I was about to spiral down that hole of WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, Jon reminded me that we had spent the Memorial Day holiday with my family at a park. And had been sitting for hours at a picnic table whose benches were made of a metal woven in a hexagonal shape. And that perhaps ALL THAT EXTRA WEIGHT I’m carrying caused the blood to pool in such a pattern on my butt. I gently suggested that he rephrase his explanation and strike the word WEIGHT from his vocabulary, or at least resist the temptation to use it in front of his 37-weeks pregnant wife. And while he’s at it, how about fetching me that box of Donettes! Also, don’t forget that bottle of Hershey’s syrup, you know how I like to have something to wash down all that powder.

  • JZ

    fan-frickin-tastic, Cindy Sherman-esque photos! Love it!

  • cattitude

    Heather, you look awesome!! I wish I had looked that good in my 9th month of pregnancy with either of my children!
    🙂
    Good luck with everything!

  • StephH

    K. Been a reader for over a year now. Day is NOT complete unless I have seen Chuck and Devil Dogs’ latest pic. You are courageous for posting your pg pics in the first place. I had your cajones and sense of humor.
    Keep it comin’ !!

  • Canadian Fan

    Dweebisis, honey, if you don’t understand it, then there are plenty of lowbrow humour sites with words of one syllable in easy-to-read large fonts for you to peruse (sorry, “read”.) Some of us have been fans of Dooce for over 8 years. We know Heather’s journey and perhaps that’s why we react with such honest emotion. It’s all about context, honey.

    But if you’re a newbie, a sneering self-righteous goth-y cynic who doesn’t “get” humour based on an over-arching years-long context, you won’t be happy here. So run along, Puddin Pop. Let the grownups talk.

  • This could, quite possibly, be the funniest thing I’ve EVER seen (and that makes me pathetic).

    And the words I need to type in are “ghettoes came” and that’s funny too.

  • Dione Johnson

    Hi Heather,

    I love your pictures! I have sent you a few e-mails… wanting to confirm that you received my published parenting/healthcare book (A Gift for Life, A Complete Record of Your Child’s Health History) I mailed to you a couple weeks ago. Hope you find it helpful with maintaining good health for your new baby!

    Would love to hear back from you!

    Hope all goes well with your delivery!

  • Kim

    You are funny as hell. THis was my favorite post. Ever.

  • Mel

    OMG! I died laughing.

    I’d like to see the post that includes the hate mail for this shot. Are there outtakes? I couldn’t have kept a straight face too long.

    Also who’s idea was this? Which one of you woke up one day and said “Hon I know what the belly pic should be.”

    I started reading right after Leta was born and I’m so looking forward to “meeting” this child too.

  • Anonymous

    You’re a genius! Bee-yoo-tee-full!

  • What a hoot! – You’ve still got plenty of humor left in you even with only 3 weeks to go in your pregnancy, which I think is a wonder! Nice side-profile too, it looks soo real!

  • Brea

    Heather Armstrong, you make me so proud! Who knew the image of a pregnant woman with powdered donuts under one arm and a Pabst Blue Ribbon tucked into the spandex part of maternity pants would illicit such a powerful response – but there you have it. I am so darn fond of you and your family!

    And I guess at almost 800 comments, I am not the only one.

  • Chelsea

    LMAO!!! These are the best pictures EVER. As well as one of your best blogs ever.
    Adopt me?

  • rachel

    i choked on my ice water. good work, armstrong. keep it up!

  • Ok I almost had to change my delicates because I very nearly peed myself while looking at your pics. Oh your daughter will be just mortified when she’s a teenager and one of her friends finds these pics online. I APPLAUD YOU MY FRIEND!!!

  • I can’t wait for little Donette to see these pictures. I hope she appreciates them as much as I do.

    And OMG you are so lucky it’s a hexagonal rash and not the dreaded waffle pattern, I’ve seen what that can do if untreated on Discovery. *shudder* (I’m kidding, I can’t watch Discovery or eat food anymore after the show about that tribe with worms.)

  • Alyx

    Best. Photo. Ever!

  • Heather, it’s good to see you looking so natural. The beauty of motherhood is just…it’s just…overwhelming. 😉

    I like the cut-off shirt. Very classy.

    Again, while you may think your belly is big, it looks small to people like me, who are 5’4″ and short-waisted but still gave birth to a 10-pound boy the very first time around. I have stretchmarks that look like African countries.

    The pics, strangely enough, made me think of a song:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYkG3rA3scQ
    Enjoy that little video — it reminds me of highschool dances growing up in Idaho. The cowboy in the white shirt who really shakes his hips in the video is just gravy.

  • Coelecanth

    Canadian Fan: You make me proud of my nationality. Sublime troll baiting.

    Dooce: Nothing to add to all these comments so I’ll just say thanks for the laugh.

  • Bria

    Um…I just had my precious baby boy on Saturday (9lbs 11oz – naturally) and reading that made me think I was going to lose a stitch from my nether region (I know, TMI) because I was laughing so hard. 🙂 Good luck with the last few weeks, Heather. I look forward to “meeting” Not Maria a.k.a. Princess Aurora.

  • marn

    BEST. PHOTOS. EVER.

  • Scott in Philly

    I’m sure the crazies commented about how awful you are for dressing up in a costume smoking and a pabst in your underwear… great! love it, but I hope Leta is smart enough when she’s older to know how cool and snarky you are!

  • Me

    Best photos EVER!

  • Perfection!