An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

36 weeks

Last week was the 36th of my pregnancy, and as of this past Sunday I’m officially less than three weeks away from my due date. I can’t believe I’m going to go ahead and admit this but, Internet, I’ve been eating powdered doughnuts THIS WHOLE TIME:

36weeks

36 weeks

Just think about all those empty calories screwing with the baby’s brain development. I know, I know. YOU’VE REALLY CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, ARMSTRONG!

So me and my body are not getting along, or maybe I should say that my body and my brain are not communicating very well and would benefit from a rigorous session of couples therapy. I’ve got all these ideas and plans in my head, none of them too elaborate or insane, just simple things like the rearrangement of boxes in the garage, and it’s like a team of menacing invaders have stationed themselves in various extremities of my body and are conspiring to take me down: ATTENTION! HOST ORGANISM THINKS SHE’S GOING TO LIFT A TOOLBOX. SEND CRIPPLING PAIN FROM HIP TO SHIN.

Once I’m flat on my back they’re implementing strategies to keep me in that position, like paralyzing my lower back, seizing the muscles in my abdomen, and cramping both legs. I think they’re responsible for the broken pinky toe on my left foot because just yesterday they tried to break the pinky toe on my right one. Like, this crazy woman thinks she’s just going to continue on with her life as if nothing ever happened. Fine, alert the team in her right leg to involuntarily kick at every object between here and the front door. COFFEE TABLE HIT! COFFEE TABLE HIT! Did we break any bones? Draw blood? Is there searing pain sending her to the floor? Good work! We’ll celebrate when the moaning has reached such a pitch that the spouse has left the house and purposefully driven the car into a tree.

And then last night I was changing into my pajamas when I noticed a giant rash across the lower half of my butt. I have watched enough Discovery Health Channel to know that rashes, especially ones during pregnancy, are not harbingers of good things. It’s not like, ooh goodie! A rash! This means I’m going to give birth to a giant basket of Snickers bars! It’s more like, uh oh. A rash. Guess I’ll get that EMERGENCY C-SECTION I ALWAYS WANTED.

I started to panic and had to contort my body in all sorts of weird positions to get a good look at it in the mirror, and I would not have blamed Jon had he jumped straight through the glass window in our bedroom to escape the abject gore of that kind of self-diagnosis. Hoo boy, if that image isn’t an effective form of birth control. Son, put on a condom lest you one day be forced into the same room as an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass.

I had giant hexagonal-shaped spots the color of blood all across my butt, and just as I was about to spiral down that hole of WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, Jon reminded me that we had spent the Memorial Day holiday with my family at a park. And had been sitting for hours at a picnic table whose benches were made of a metal woven in a hexagonal shape. And that perhaps ALL THAT EXTRA WEIGHT I’m carrying caused the blood to pool in such a pattern on my butt. I gently suggested that he rephrase his explanation and strike the word WEIGHT from his vocabulary, or at least resist the temptation to use it in front of his 37-weeks pregnant wife. And while he’s at it, how about fetching me that box of Donettes! Also, don’t forget that bottle of Hershey’s syrup, you know how I like to have something to wash down all that powder.

  • Emily

    You make my day with EVERY new post! I’m 32 weeks along and reading your posts makes me laugh at all my silly aches/pains/problems. You’re the best.

  • Hahahahaha. Oh my lawd, Heather. At first glance, I thought I’d stumbled on Courtney Love’s website. You’re fantastic and I’m so excited to keep reading once the little one arrives.

  • Anonymous

    me thinks hillbilly cruela deville

  • Anonymous

    Definitely a “white trash” version of I Love Lucy. Love it!

  • thee funniest thing i have read in a long time. seriously LAUGH OUT LOUD.

    hope to god that the rash is not PUPPPS. bad. bad. bad.

  • I love that you had the dedication to put on a fake tattoo. Also why the Chuck pictures are so hilarious. 🙂

  • Aimee

    What pregnancy would look like if men got pregnant!

  • Andrea

    You are totally channeling Kirstie Allen in Look Who’s Talking, in that fantastic flashback scene when she imagines herself married to John Travolta’s character. Ah, so romantic. Just wait til you guys start having burping contests at the dinner table!

  • I can only imagine the hilarity that went on while you prepared for that photo shoot.
    Awesome.

  • Holy shit, I just pissed myself laughing. You’ve gone round the bend, yes?

  • HexButt

    Love the photos, very funny.. although the creepily skinny arm on your hip is freaking me out.. Either you have incredibly skinny forearms or someone is going a little bit crazy with the photoshopping.

  • hiliari

    LOL!!!!! Ok… you have officially taken the place of my beloved Chelsey Handler as the funniest white woman on the planet… And yes… the pictures that you have posted are poster worthy!!! you are SO the shit right now!!! I LOVE YOU!!! 🙂

  • Ken

    I admit, I was tempted to post a fake, anonymous, self-righteous, “how dare you put PBR anywhere near your precious Mormon unborn baby” comment… but I don’t have the heart to do it. Besides, I’m sure there’s a real one coming.

    This is perhaps the most brilliant thing you’ve posted in months. Keep on truckin’!

  • Kristy Merrill

    These pics are priceless! My next pregnancy I think I’ll do a theme for every weekly progression shot. White trash will most definitely be one of them.

    Love you Heather – keep up the awesomeness.

  • Awesome photos. You will love these down the road as will baby 😀

  • Val

    Hideous. I wouldn’t want to be your baby.

  • is it wrong that I think you look really glamorous in these pictures?

  • Tara’s Mom

    I agree with #95- I want notecards too! You are so brilliant and funny and amazing and gorgeous and human…I LOVE YOU!

  • HOT!!!

  • sparkyd

    Lots of comments about peeing your pants already, but I have to add my own as well…

    I’m 33 weeks pregnant and I had to stop reading after “…an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass” and go to the bathroom lest I pee in my chair at work. Too funny.

  • OMFG!!! You’re hilarious. I love these pictures.

  • gesture

    Well, if you’ve been eating powdered sugar doughnuts this whole time, don’t worry about it. I am officially 99.9% powdered sugar doughnut (my mother would hide them in the house) and I turned out to be a fairly well-adjusted person. Any brain cells killed were of my own doing.

  • cmhd

    Awesomely hilarious! Not that I don’t always love you, but these pictures, yes, these pictures represent the reason I keep coming back for more.

    You rock. Seriously.

  • Wahahahaha! those shots are fracking awesome!
    Good luck with the next few weeks!

  • Ninabi

    Oh shit, the shock of seeing you made me double over with laughter.

    Expecting a sweet, touching picture and then THIS!

    Funny. Best pregnancy pictures, ever. Thanks for bringing us along for the ride.

  • Sarah

    *in my best Tyra impression*

    FIERCE!

    Love it. Made me smile a big, huge, and sorely needed smile!

  • Ashley

    Hahahaha!!!

    LOVE IT!

  • Dear God woman, these pictures are AWESOME. Keep doing whatever it is that you do that makes you so fantabulously hilarious; and if that means eating more doughnuts, then so be it!

  • Is that a PBR TALLBOY? sweet. You’re gorgeous in white trash.

  • Dude, those photos of you ROCK!!

  • oliviainswitzerland

    I’ve not commented before, but LOVE this. I about died laughing! I am student midwife and may have to contact you to ask permission to print your pic out and stick it to my appointment diary that I use to book prenatals. I think it would add a certain levity to the whole midwife-patient time, don’t ya think?

  • Amanda

    Oh wow. I think this might be my favorite post EVER. I mean, how does it get any better than, “Son, put on a condom lest you one day be forced into the same room as an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass.”???????

    (And yes, I meant to use that many question marks; they were deserved).

    Plus you do a great job of trying to look “rode hard and put up wet,” and of ACTUALLY looking like a pregnant white trash lady in those pictures. Just wow.

  • Truism 31

    I’m with Jenny (#69)!

    Hope you have a crew filming ‘the making of’ — would love to see the contact sheet for this shoot!

  • Heather, this is the BEST THING YOU HAVE EVER POSTED. In fact, I think this is the BEST THING EVER POSTED ON THE INTERNET. You deserve an Oscar (shaped bottle of Hershey’s chocolate syrup) for this. Truly truly amazing.

  • Pat

    Hey – Sugar is necessary for the baby’s brain development! Donettes are GOOD for the baby. Hee. Great pix.

  • Mindy

    Donuts for you too eh? I just started craving them last week and put on a good 10lbs since my last appt…ah well. Thank God for your posts to make me laugh so hard I cry. EDD 6/17/09

  • I like to call this pulling an Amy Sedaris.

    Well played.

  • These photos are so priceless! I wish I had staged something like this when I was pregnant. I applaud your choice of PBR (classic, of course), but I think I would have gone with a box of wine and a blunt.

  • –>I absolutely love those pictures. You must have had so much fun getting dressed up to have them taken.

    Can’t wait to read what people under the cloak of “anonymous” say about them.

  • Dear Heather, I’m extremely concerned about the can of PBR tucked into your waistband possibly placing too much pressure on your unborn child or the placenta. Also if the can is cold it could give the baby a chill. Please exercise appropriate caution as befits Motherhood. KTHXBAI!

  • Meagan D

    Heather you had me laughing so hard (that quite inner laugh that ends up in a snort) I almost peed my pants! I have already emailed all my friends that they have to see the new post. Good luck with the next few weeks, you are almost there!

  • Rissa

    I had the CRAPPIEST* Memorial weekend. Thank you for this!

  • What I would love is to see a video of the brainstorming session that produced the idea for these photos. I mean, seriously. You could take over the world with these ideas.

  • Diane

    That’s a good look for you! You would fit in well at my local Wally World. 🙂

  • Funny! And I can only imagine how reading 133 comments of “you are the shit” would do wonders for ones self esteem. Go you! 🙂

  • Susan

    I was drinking my coffee while waiting for your page to load.
    When it did, and I saw your photo’s – presto, coffee spit all over my new monitor!!!
    Perfect picture, just great. Don’t remember when I’ve laughed so hard.
    Had to de-lurk to say thanks for the laugh – and thank you for the wonderful blog!!

  • Heather. B. Armstrong. You. Rocked. It.

  • Karlee

    I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your blog. Your wit and humour have caused me to spit out my tea on my laptop on more than one occasion.

  • Brilliant. You are amazingly brilliant. I couldn’t breathe when I opened my reader. I want donuts real bad – which really doesn’t fit will with the diet right now. Guess I’ll have to go get my hubby to knock me up so I can have a box.

  • Hawt. <3 Love the photos! That's pretty muh exactly how I felt in my 37th week, too. Hang in there, almost done, and at the end, they let you take home a sweet little baby.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more

SaveSave