An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

All grown up

Jon calls me into the kitchen where Leta is having a snack, and our assistant Katey has just finished up some paper work. I ask what’s going on, and he motions for all of us to look at Leta. The three of us surround her as Jon tries to stick his finger in her mouth, a risk not unlike trying to pet an alligator.

“STOP IT!” she screams and immediately covers her mouth with both hands.

“Leta,” Jon says with a tone of exasperation that has filled this house for oh, five and a half years. “Show them your tooth.”

She vigorously shakes her head without removing her hands as Jon explains that her front left tooth is loose, and both Katey and I cannot help but SQUEEEE!!!! Our little baby Leta is about to lose her first tooth! We both remember when she had none!

Leta interprets our squeeeing as mockery, and hops off her chair. “IT’S NOT FUNNY!” she yells, temporarily letting her arms hang by her side. So we explain in great detail why we made that horrible, high-pitched noise, tell her that this is a Huge Event In Her Life, and doesn’t she know? Oh Leta! THE VERY BEST PART! The Tooth Fairy is coming!

“But I don’t want the tooth fairy to come,” she says, only because that’s what girls do. They want drama, they thrive on irrational thinking, they want you to scratch your head and go WTF?!!

“Leta,” I start to explain, “the Tooth Fairy comes and leaves you money. MONEY. M-O-N-E-Y.”

“But I don’t want money!” she says. “I want presents!”

That’s when all three of us, Jon, Katey and I, we simultaneously groan, “YOU CAN USE THE MONEY TO BUY PRESENTS, LETA.”

She stands there blinking her eyes for several seconds, and then she reaches up into her mouth to feel her loose tooth.

“Okay,” she says calmly. “I can work with that.”

Are you pregnant and expecting a girl? GOOD LUCK.

No Comments

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more

SaveSave