An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Gone are the days of the snooze button

After a few discombobulating hiccups (whoever taught my baby to roll over? MINUS TEN POINTS FOR YOU), we’ve finally transitioned Marlo into a regular nighttime routine. It’s not exactly perfect because she can barely make it to 6PM and then she’s done. Kaput. Like she’s been studying for that calculus final through the night and passes out, her head mushed sideways into the textbook, and her roommate has to physically restrain herself from taking a permanent black marker and writing BONER on her forehead.

And then some internal alarm clock goes off in her head at 2AM exactly. Sometimes it breaks and goes off at 1:58 AM, but that is rare, and I hop out of bed, run down to her room and savor the ten minutes or so that she eats. Then she’s back down until 6AM. And oh, is she up. She is awake and ready for the day, barking orders and not really interested in the fact that we’d like another half hour of sleep.

For the past two nights Leta has come into our room having had nightmares about spiders, and it’s always right at the point when I have just fallen back asleep. So in my weak and lazy state I just pull her up in bed beside me and we snuggle for the rest of the night. Or more accurately, she flails her arms and sticks her feet on my head. And I lie there awake resenting every sleeping person in the world.

And then at 6AM we’re all there, all four of us in the dark, mushed together in bed, Marlo trying to tell us that we’re boring and need some new tricks. The light from an iPhone is no longer entertaining. That rattle is so dumb. Please turn on the light and amuse me, slaves! So I reach over, fumble around until I find the bedside lamp, and then all four of us wince at the sudden glaring light. Some of us wince more loudly and agonizingly than others. I won’t name that someone, other than to say that if there were a prize for best impersonation of a hyena being gutted with a chainsaw, we’d have a winner.

This morning I looked over at Jon and said, well, this is our life. Our Every Day Starts At 6AM Life, our Hit The Ground Running At 6AM Life, and as Leta made faces to make Marlo giggle, and Coco whined longingly in her crate to be let out, please let me out, you’re having all that fun without me, we both laughed at the ridiculousness of it. Because as bad as it might sound, it’s just so incredibly awesome.

  • pattypie

    When we had a little one that woke way too early we became garage sale hounds. What else can one do at 6am on a Saturday morning? PS- Twitters follow drewfromTV (it’s drew carey)and he will donate 1 dollar per follower up to 1 million dollars for cancer research!

  • Was my boyfriend in bed with you!?????!?!? He always makes those hyena noises in the morning. Excuse him.

  • Jeannie

    We had a 6-6 girl too for the better part of a year. Didn’t matter what kind of trick we employed, she would not give up that schedule.
    Daylight savings be damned, she’d be back on the 6-6 within a couple days.
    At least we had those nice long evenings 🙂

  • When I met you at Third Place Books in Seattle this summer I said that my son was exactly Leta’s age but I had since also had a daughter. You asked how two kids was going for me and I said it is wonderful but I can hardly wait for YOU to have yours so you would write about the sheer chaos and intensity of two kids. THIS POST is what I was talking about. Thank you and Congrats!!!

  • Kara

    I like to think Marla was working on a big shit right then. 🙂

  • Really?

    I think #36 needs to get laid.

  • Marlo is super cute! She looks like she is telling you what to do in that video!

    Ahh, yes, how I miss sleep too. I do it to myself, I let my son sleep with me most of the time…not good! But soooo precious!

  • I have a six-month old, and I curse not being able to sleep. But then I’ll be floating above our bed, watching our little family enjoy a Saturday morning of gold, fuzzy moments of love and pure bliss together, and I’ll think that sleep, although a precious, precious commodity, is not as sweet as this.

  • Don’t hate me, but my baby slept until 10 AM today. BUT, she didn’t go to sleep until midnight, and then woke up at 8 to eat. She is 8 months old and I guess we have it pretty easy. So those of you putting off having children because you need your sleep… you never know what you will get!

    She has had early mornings where we’re groaning and wishing she would go back to sleep, but even then it is so worth it. So, I know what you mean, dooce.

  • Anonymous

    Snuggle away, because in 18 years Marlo will be off in college or the Air Force somewhere, and she won’t even have time to email you.

  • I don’t miss the early morning wake up call. Ours was 5:30am – for years! I remember trying to keep my son up later so he would sleep in later. Total opposite occurred. He got up at 5:00 instead of 5:30, so bedtime was moved back to it’s original 7:00pm. I think the 7:00 pm bedtime stayed until kindergarten! I loved the all in one bed thing, though. Miss that.

  • superkittn

    It is quite interesting that she has so many of the same mannerisms of and makes the same faces as Leta!

  • that last paragraph got me. warm goosebumps for the day: check.

  • ellabella

    i can’t get over the splitting images of Leta here. she’s adorably cute. it’s my life as well – so glorious indeed. btw, Marlo has some of the longest arms i’ve ever seen!

  • I know it’s hard and I went through a lot of days, wishing I could take a nap, but someone needed to watch the kids, so I didn’t, but they grow up way too fast. I miss the times all 4 of us spent snuggled into bed together! They are 17 and 20 now, and don’t do that anymore!

    Marlo is so cute. It’s been a long time since I had a baby that young in my house.

  • cambria Copeland

    I’d give my right arm for that schedule, but I do hear what you are saying. We need to get tougher as parents!

  • Oh how I remember these days! And, I remember a time when my challenging sleeper woke up at 5 or 5:30 a.m., too! Oh and remember how the time is changing in a week? That is gonna be SOOO fun for you! NOT!! When Marlo is older, hopefully you can shift her schedule forward like I did my son’s when he was about 8 months old. That was a hard 2 weeks but WORTH EVERY MINUTE when he started sleeping past 6:30 or 7 (late he slept in past 8, even, but we’re back to 7-ish). I’d wait a little longer for Marlo, though. When you’re ready:

    Good luck with “falling back” next weekend on Nov 1st!

  • This is the funnies thing I`ve read all day! Thank you for making my day with the, “I won’t name that someone, other than to say that if there were a prize for best impersonation of a hyena being gutted with a chainsaw, we’d have a winner.”


    Really cute kid, btw. 🙂 Did I see some gang signs in there somewhere..? 😉

  • Every. Single. Day. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  • michele

    With an almost 3 year old and a 6 month old, this is our lives too. Incredibly early, incredibly draining, wondering if I’ll ever feel rested again but yet, we’re pretty dang amused and happy. 🙂

  • Coming from someone who has no interest in having children at the moment, you paint a really lovely picture.

    You make having little rugruts sound cozy and full of love 🙂

    I love your blog by the way! I have been following for a while now. I actually started at the beginning with yours.

    I won’t tell you how long that took me to read.

  • Jessica

    lol my day as well with my 4.I can’t remember the last time I woke up after the sun came up.Ahh the old days.

  • AT’s mama

    Are you really complaining about your baby sleeping from 6pm to 6am, waking up ONLY ONCE?? Good grief.

    Well, maybe I’m just jealous, since I’m up every two hours STILL, with my five-month-old. The only way he’ll go back to sleep is if I nurse him. In my bed. As soon as I put him in his crib he screams. And he doesn’t scream himself to sleep, his stubborn ass just KEEPS SCREAMING!!

    Pardon me for being resentful… blame sleep deprivation.

  • hmmmm … 12 hours minus 10 minutes doesn’t sound so bad to me. But then, our hours are 10PM to 530AM around here without child. Plus I don’t have a baby yet so I don’t really know what I’m talking about.

  • Montyna

    This was great. Thank you. It seems so bitter-sweet because you know it just lasts a blink, but… the end of it, you get grandbabies. Of course you have to live through teenagers to get there. It is worth it. Grandbabies are unimaginably wonderful.

  • Skinnygirl

    Like #124, our hours were 10 pm to 5:30 WITH our baby, for a long time. So Victoria does know what she’s talking about 🙂 6 to 6 sounds heavenly.

  • Tanna

    WOW, I’m not the only one that had kids like that! As frustating as losing sleep is I agree the time spent with our little guys is the best.

  • oh dooce.
    that video of marlo just made a brutal day… so much better! and once again you’ve managed to make my ovaries go crazy. 🙂

  • Claudia

    Wow, Marlo is getting so big! And just like her sister, she is absolutely beautiful. I hope Jon owns two shotguns, because he is going to need ’em.

    My youngest son chose to wake up every morning at 5 a.m. As no one else in the house was even close to awake, we would go on 6 a.m. walks to Smiths to get milk.

    I remember one morning walking and thinking how irritatingly bone-tired I was, and as I looked down at my son’s darling face, cooing up at me from the stroller, I heard a little voice say, “Don’t begrudge this, woman. Someday your turn will come and he will be taking care of you.” Talk about humbling!

  • Kim

    Love the video. I have 2 girls (5 and 2). Just love them interacting!

    I am an early riser, but that is MY TIME. So, we employed a little trick (that actually worked) with our 2.

    Bedtime and feeding at 7 or 8 pm. Then, I’d go in and pick her up when I went to bed, usually at 11, and feed her. You know, a little top off. That would buy me an hour at least.

    Doesn’t sound like Marlo is hungry though. But it might be worth a try!

  • Ellen

    Looks like Marlo has abandoned that PantsHat and put her pants on properly. 😉 Both ways are equally adorable.

  • She is such a darling! I weep at how much I want another baby, between seeing my nephew (1mos) and Marlo.

    But then there IS that sleep thing….

    Though it just changes, doesn’t really get better. Now we’re up at 5 am with daughter for HS. Just so you know.

    Thank you for sharing your sweetie with us 🙂

  • Sounds blissful to me. 6am is pretty early though. Not that you’d want to change anything, but if you want Marlo to sleep a little longer a trick that worked for me was those darkening curtains that pin on the back of your existing curtains. My baby started waking almost a full hour later after I used these. PURE AWESOME!

  • Alex

    Quit your damn complaining, I get up at 5. 🙂 But I have a 9 week old that is sleeping throught the night…woot woot!

  • LynzM

    All of a sudden, Marlo looks so much more like Leta… in the video and the pants-hat pic. Neat to see. 🙂

    I hear ya on the longing for days of sleeping until you didn’t feel like it anymore. Ah well.

  • Wow #36, it must be so awful when those guys in ski masks show up at your house and FORCE YOU TO READ DOOCE! The horror! The inhumanity! The perverse cuteness of the baby bellies! It’s just too much to handle, I know, so you should probably keep letting your black cloud of hate karma ooze out into the comments section as a way of release. Maybe someday they’ll quit forcing you to read this website. Or MAYBE everyone will suddenly decide YOUR opinion is what they come here for, and we’ll all stop readin Dooce and Heather will be so distraught she’ll take down the website and live in quiet agony forever.

    Only then you’ll probably have to find another website to trash. Oh, I’m sorry, I mean someone will FORCE you to find another website to trash…

  • Jennifer

    My son at 5 months was a 6:30pm-5:30am kinda guy. It nearly killed me. 5:30am? Seriously? Totally the middle of the night. So we got together a bin of toys and a flashlight and at first he just played with that flashlight on our bed. Then, as he got older he could play on the floor with the bin. Then as he got even older, I used to worry the neighbours would think we had a burgler cuz he would toddle around our room, flashing the flashlight all over and amuse himself until at least 7-7:30am. And dude, then there was the time change when that 5:30am became 4-4:30am with no changing his internal clock for months. Dead of winter he would be having his morning nap, still when it was dark out at 7am! Good times!So glad you are so happy. You deserve it.

  • Anonymous

    #136 – my sentiments exactly, but you worded it perfectly!

    Marlo is gorgeous Heather, and reading about your life is well, hilarious 🙂

  • Amanda Tansley

    I absolutely love reading about baby Marlo and the lovely Miss Leta. And I can’t wait until our little baby girl shows up (Mid January) and my life goes topsy turvy too :c)

  • kym b

    as much as i love cuddling with my little cuties in the morning, i also love that they are 4, 6 & 8 and are now capable of pouring their own cereal (the 8yo does that part) and turning on cartoons on saturday morning so my husband and i can sleep until 9a.

    you will again enjoy sleeping in some day.

  • Amy

    Don’t worry! I’m RIGHT there with you — only my baby does not even give me the 6-2am stretch so F you… But it’s such a short thing. Just remember, pretty soon they’ll be sullen teens and we’ll be trying to get them out of bed by noon with them rolling their eyes and shit. 🙂 Good luck. I’m glad our kids are pretty much the same age, it makes your site seem even more like it’s all just for me! Love ya.

  • I’m sure other people have already mentioned this, but I can see some resemblance between Leta and Marlo!

  • awww what a sweetheart! ITA she looks just like Leta! 🙂

    there’s a big part of me that loves some of the craziness sometimes. and I’ll look around at the smattering of toys on the floor and little sweatshirts and shoes around and think “yah. this *is* what I wanted,”

    don’t worry, the sleep does come back eventually!


  • HAHA!! What a picture you painted! Sounds like lots of fun. She is such a ham! How adorable!!!

  • That is exactly how my son was too – in bed by 6 pm every single night. Now he can stretch it to 7…wow…and people are jealous until I mention that he wakes up at 6 am every single morning! Yikes! The internal alarms that babies have are just amazing.

  • Lawyer Lady

    I. Love. You.


  • the niffer

    So, so true. It sounds bad, but somehow it’s awesome.

    Love the Marlo vids – she’s such a cutie.

  • Kate

    “As bad as it might sound…”

    What part of this is supposed to sound bad? That you have two, healthy, beautiful kids? That those kids have two, at-home parents who have an assitant? Is it the cute dog that is supposed to make it all sound terrible?

    When my kid was getting up at six AM, his father was on deployment with the Marine Corps nor did I have any in-home assitance in working/mothering. Yet I knew my life was good.

    I’m sure you know your life is good as well, it’s when you try to sell it as sounding bad or some sort of sob story that you sound shallow and/or fake. Your life doesnt’ sound bad, Heather, you know that and so do your readers.

  • Holly

    In our house the pants hat was always know as the “naughty baby hat.” Every time she cried my husband put her pants on her head. Sadly, we have lots of pictures of her that way.

  • Terri

    Seriously, that baby Marlo is SO gorgeous she should be on a bottle. Or in a bottle. (When my grandfather used to get drunk my Nana would say, “Well, (long sigh) Papaw is in the bottle”, weird huh?)

    Anyway that baby Marlo is the most beautiful of all the beautiful babies. The huge blue eyes. The dimple. I’m beginning to think you’ve just played around and PhotoShopped a baby.

    Yes, maybe you just thought, let’s just make up parts of what the majority of people in this country think the ideal American baby should look like and put all the parts together and this is what you came up with.

    Baby Marlo. She almost takes my breathe away when I see her.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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