the smell of my desperation has become a stench

When anything bad happens, I blame Apple

It’s no surprise to anyone that Jon pre-ordered an iPad the moment it was announced that they would be available. Last week it arrived, and I haven’t seen him since.

I am not kidding.

You think I am exaggerating. I do that a lot, yes, I will admit to dabbling in that practice from time to time. This is not one of those instances. What would be one of those instances? Oh dear, let me take a look back at everything I’ve ever written: THAT.

So I’m picking Leta up from school the other day, and it was one of those days when it wasn’t snowing, one of those rare, gorgeous days when Utah teases me into thinking that the Mormons were onto something when they settled here, and I let her play with her friends on the playground as I talked to some other parents. Some who read this website and have asked Jon how his vasectomy is healing. Jon loves this life.

And in the back of my mind, all I can think about is HAVE TO GET HOME. HAVE TO GET HOME. Because I’m thinking, Mariah is going home right now and leaving Marlo in the care of Jon. And Jon has been permanently attached to his iPad since it arrived. And right about now Marlo is crawling over to the fireplace and is eating ash because he’s on the couch playing with the NPR application.

BRAIN, BRAIN, GO AWAY.

And I’m trying to concentrate on the conversations I’m having while keeping an eye on Leta, and my brain will not let me envision anything other than Marlo choking on ash.

Not because Jon is an incompetent father. He’s amazing. He does more with and for our kids than probably any other father I’ve ever known. No, it’s just that he’s a really competent geek.

Finally my brain won’t let me stand there any longer, and I yell to Leta that it’s time to go. She’s sulks and asks why, and I can’t help but blurt out BECAUSE DAD’S IPAD IS KILLING MARLO.

Turns out she was fine. Nothing to worry about. I run in expecting to see a horrifying, bloody scene only to find Jon sitting next to Marlo on the floor, a stuffed animal in her mouth, his right hand scrolling through the USA TODAY app on his iPad.

Lesson for today (this should be read in a sexist and condescending, albeit incredibly relieved tone): men can multitask, too!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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