Heater, Mother of Lance

My therapist will have a field day

I always promise that I’m not going to do this, but then the dream is either so amazing or absurd that I can’t help myself and here I go again. I’m going to write about a dream I had. WAIT! STOP! Before you hang up on me, trust me that this one is totally worth it, although everyone involved remained fully clothed the entire time. But maybe that’s just me and my dreams, because the naked ones are NEVER good. There is almost always a public main street with millions of passing cars and people laughing involved. And the Sophie’s choice decision of which body part to cover up (boobs usually win).

You guys, I was invited to be one of ten people to roast Brad Pitt. Not on a spit, no, but I imagine that if forced to feast on a fellow human being, he probably wouldn’t taste as bad as say, Michael Lohan.

I couldn’t figure out why they had asked me, “they” I guess being the friends who planned the whole thing. But of course “they” never made an appearance or gave me any directions. So I was left to come up with something funny or embarrassing I knew about Brad. EXCEPT I DON’T KNOW BRAD. So I grabbed a pen and paper and just started writing anything that would come to mind, like, “Once Brad called me up…” but then I froze. Because a part of my brain knew I was dreaming and that I can’t be clever in dreams.

So I just stood there shouting at an absent “they” going DON’T YOU KNOW I CAN’T DO THIS?! How am I supposed to come up with anything interesting to say? One, I don’t know Brad! AND, TWO? I’M DREAMING! I was so mad that they had put me in this position.

You know how the timelines in dreams can go, because right then they marched us into the auditorium where the party was supposed to begin. And when I walked through the door I immediately realized that this roast was taking place in sacrament meeting. Meaning, on a Sunday morning in front of a Mormon congregation IN A MORMON CHURCH.

I should probably stop doing all those drugs before I go to bed.

That’s when I really started to panic, because I looked down at my notes to see that I’d made reference to the fact that someone sent me the Playgirl magazine from several years ago that featured Brad in the nude. And there was no way I was going to bring this up in front of a Mormon audience, especially not this one because guess who was sitting in the front row? MY DAD.

So I walked up to the podium feeling like I was about to crap my pants, when all of a sudden the words just rolled off of my tongue: “I met Gwyneth Paltrow in New York City last week, so you know what this means, right? I’m too close to Brad now to have him on the list of men I want to have sex with! I guess his vacant spot now leaves room for Donny Osmond!”

Right then Leta woke me up to tell me that Marlo was in her crib making noises. Later that afternoon I added a bullet point to my life list: roast Brad Pitt during sacrament meeting. It’s now right behind “climb Mt. Everest alone.”

  • simpliSAHM

    2010/08/12 at 3:53 pm

    I’m sure your therapist will have a field day all right. Only you would manage to have a dream combining Brad Pitt and Mormon sacrament meeting! And throwing in Donny Osmond for good measure? Classically Heather.

  • jacqueline

    2010/08/12 at 3:49 pm

    is brad pitt even allowed in sacrament meetings?

  • dooce

    2010/08/12 at 3:50 pm

    He’s allowed in my sacrament meeting.

  • Sarah Cate

    2010/08/12 at 4:00 pm

    “He’s allowed in my sacrament meeting.”

    And that’s where I added in my head: “IF you know what I mean.” 😉

  • juliemewood

    2010/08/12 at 4:16 pm

    you know, i totally heard that Brad was taking the discussions. 🙂

  • josephine

    2010/08/12 at 4:15 pm

    Oh man, you just brought up a good reason to NEVER meet Gweneth, b/c I don’t know what I’d do if Brad was off my list!

  • mrswilson

    2010/08/12 at 4:21 pm

    Thank you for making my day.

  • doobrah

    2010/08/12 at 4:37 pm

    Apparently I have been reading this blog too long. I *knew* Gwyneth Paltrow was going to be part of the scenario. How about next dream have Coco spray poop on someone totally deserving. (You know who you are, Sarah Palin!)

  • tallnoe

    2010/08/12 at 5:00 pm

    FAN-tastic. Thank you.

  • Brea

    2010/08/12 at 5:04 pm

    I grew up watching the Donny and Marie show, and I had a small crush on Donny Osmond.

    Nice to hear that he’s making appearances again…even if it’s in a dream.

  • WVKay

    2010/08/12 at 5:47 pm

    Celebrity dreams are so disconcerting. I don’t have many, but Johhny Depp has made a couple of appearances. The most recent was sex with Don Draper. It was going pretty good until Betty caught us.

  • Meaghan

    2010/08/12 at 5:52 pm

    I would imagine Brad tasting EXPONENTIALLY better than Michael Lohan. Bleh.

  • Blahggy

    2010/08/12 at 6:21 pm

    Does this mean you’re secretly dying for lips like Angie’s? (or is that my desire? even though today my mom told me she hated her lips.)

    Dreams are awesome to write about. My COUSIN’s dream was so awesome that I’m about to write about it. It includes her brother’s boyfriend’s new hobby of TAKING STUFFED ANIMALS, SKINNING THEM AND MAKING THEM INTO COATS – not part of the dream. That part is true. And I will have an accompanying photo. So excited. I just got permission to use the photo today. 🙂

  • austinmomof7

    2010/08/12 at 6:44 pm

    I had a dream last week and in it, my husband totally pissed me off. When I woke up, I knew it didn’t happen, but I could not help myself. I was mad at him all day long. He kept asking what he did to make me mad and I just told him that if he didn’t know, then it just made me more angry at him. He still doesn’t know what the hell he did, other than marry a crazy person. A very fertile crazy person.

  • HeckYes

    2010/08/12 at 6:54 pm

    That’s effing awesome!!! I think you roasting Brad Pitt in sacrament meeting is about the only thing that would get me to set foot into a Mormon church building again. So, let us know when that’s gonna happen and I’ll be there on the front row. I’ll bring the Cheerios and goldfish.

  • Sneeka

    2010/08/12 at 7:52 pm

    Sounds like Inception. Was Leo there at all?

  • napangel

    2010/08/12 at 8:28 pm

    You have an awesome mind, Heather.

  • gitana

    2010/08/12 at 9:09 pm

    did you know that if you do a google image search for Mormon celebrities the first picture that comes up is a super cheesy 1970’s looking Jesus…..I was just having a looksy because I was all like dude! there has to be a hotter mormon out there than Donnie Osmond…

  • Shannon H.

    2010/08/12 at 9:09 pm

    I think BECAUSE you and Gwyneth are such good friends now and have bonded, she would think it rude of you to remove Brad from your list. Since I don’t know her, I’ll keep him on mine.

  • Mrs. Q.

    2010/08/12 at 9:21 pm

    I would have enjoyed that dream. Lately the ONLY dream I have is that I show up for a final test and I’ve never been to a single class. And I’m naked.

    At least you have a therapist.

    (And I have every Martha Living ever printed. It’s the only thing I collect, as I hate collecting. Reading that makes it seem even more crazy. Whee!)

  • knewlyknitting

    2010/08/12 at 9:35 pm

    Your face. If you can choose only one, (and you feel the need to cover anything), you cover your face.

  • Soft Kitty

    2010/08/12 at 10:34 pm

    It’s really too bad you had to take Brad off your list. Is Chris on your list or is he off too?

  • Cooky

    2010/08/13 at 9:32 am

    I love how you think on your feet even in your dreams. What a fabulous line.

    Have you been listening to Donny’s local radio show in the afternoons?

    Thank you for a wonderful laugh on Friday the 13th. You made the day great.

  • Nhiro

    2010/08/13 at 9:50 am

    I once had a sex dream about Edward Norton, whom I had never, up to that point, even considered to be in the running.

    I haven’t looked at him the same since.

  • Tracy-Oklahoma

    2010/08/13 at 9:57 am

    I went to Kickapoo High School in Springfield, MO with Brad. He graduated in ’82 and I graduated ’83. I was in choir with him for 3 years and was friends with him. He was (and is) a great guy. Always a lot of fun and he always had a huge smile on his face where ever he went. He’s not quite so preppy now as he was back then. We all knew Brad would go on and do big things….and boy, did he ever!

  • Lily Hydrangea

    2010/08/13 at 10:20 am

    You always make me laugh Heather.

    The last dream I remember having involved living garden gnomes.
    I’ve always liked gnomes, but dreaming about them? It was just too weird.

  • Anu

    2010/08/13 at 10:31 am

    Forget Gwyneth Paltrow, even if Angelina Jolie was my BFF, Brad still wouldn’t get off my list. There can always be one exception to every rule 🙂

  • MonicaH

    2010/08/13 at 12:33 pm

    Ok, so a few nights ago I totally had a dream that I had a blog but I couldn’t think of what to write, so I was just copying and pasting your blogs into mine! Then after I had published them I got worried because I had remembered that one post when you had mentioned Jon finding someone who had plagarized you!

    Dreams are weird sometimes! 🙂

  • Shana in Texas

    2010/08/13 at 12:39 pm

    I received the Donny & Marie “action” figures for Christmas one year. Donny wore purple socks.

  • mommica

    2010/08/13 at 1:16 pm

    You know what I can’t do in my dreams? Punch people. It’s a shame too, because there are so many occasions when it would come in handy. What do you think my therapist would say about THAT?

  • doublebuttons

    2010/08/13 at 2:06 pm

    I recently had a dream that my parents sat me down to tell they were getting a divorce. The reason? Because my father did the math and steaks would be cheaper that way.

  • PlanetA

    2010/08/13 at 2:40 pm


  • gretchie

    2010/08/13 at 5:57 pm

    Boy, someone is stressed about finding witty things to say day after day on her blog – that her father reads – and her unconscious mormon sensibilities find deplorable.

    Relax, Heather. We all get writer’s block. Mine is so bad I don’t have a blog. 🙂 We forgive you.

    So does Gwynyth.

  • apostate

    2010/08/13 at 8:14 pm

    In my fantasy, I run into Brad at the family reunion. We introduce ourselves.
    Me: “Oh! So you’re related to the Vernal Pitts. Well I’m glad to finally get the chance to meet you. Thanks for making ‘Pitt’ cool once again.”
    Brad: “Cool?”
    Me: “Well, there were these kids…”

    In my dream, we are immediately transported to another time and place. We’re at the playground at my old elementary school sitting in a giant tire sticking out of the ground. I’m 10. I hear somebody calling me. “Hey! It’s Cherry! Hi, Cherry!” (snicker snicker snicker) Another voice says “Hey, PITT-bull!” Another yells “That’s just PITT-iful!”

    (They make bad sitcoms about this. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0338647/)

    “Oh, hey, guys” I call in a nonchalant voice. “Have you met BRAD?” Those punkass elementary kids stare and their chins drop to the floor as Brad gropes my ass and sticks his tongue down my throat. “Come on, sweetie”, he says to me. “Let’s not waste time with these CHILDREN who have no idea how UNORIGINAL they are.” The look on those kids’ faces is priceless.

    We are then transported back to the family reunion. It’s the year 2004. “You are so HOT!” Brad tells me. “Run off with me! I must have you!”

    “Brad”, I tell him gently, “You’re a really special guy. Honestly. But I met you at my family reunion. Don’t you think that’s a little gross?”
    Brad: “I suppose”
    Me: “And besides… Your wife Jennifer is really great. Never do anything to hurt her like that.”
    Brad: “You’re right.” “I would be an idiot if I ever did anything to hurt my wife, Jennifer. Besides, INCEST IS GROSS.” http://intogossip.blogspot.com/2006/12/angelina-jolie-kissing-her-brother.html

    Me: “Atta boy”. “Thanks for helping me put those 4th graders in their place though.”
    Brad: “Any time. Say, these potatoes are DELICIOUS!”
    Me: “1 can of mushroom soup. 1 bag hash browns. 1 container sour cream. 1 package shredded cheese. Mix and bake. Corn flakes optional.”
    Brad: “Wow. I’ve never had anything so delicious!”
    Me: “Are you sure you’re decended from the Vernal Pitts?”
    Brad: “See you next year cutie.”
    Me: “Go home and kiss that wife of yours.”

  • Janice

    2010/08/13 at 10:01 pm

    If you therapist is Freudian, they will likely tell you the people in your dreams represent aspects of your own personality…. which is a lot less exciting that Brad Pitt, but could you really handle six more kids?

    Your welcome

  • Grey.and.Vis.Mom

    2010/08/13 at 11:50 pm

    apparently eating lots of cheese before you go to sleep causes insane dreams…. was there cheese on the menu last night?

  • TexasKatie

    2010/08/14 at 9:02 am

    That is awesome! You know, I feel better now telling you about the drean I had last night. And it was one of those all-night dreams, where I’d wake up and go “What the fuck” and go back to sleep and the dream would continue. Anyway, I dreamt I flew to Utah to stay with you – yes you, the Armstrongs. I was amazed at the splendor of your awesome house, but thought it weird I had to sleep on a pullout couch in the living room when you had like a few guest rooms. But I was at the blurbodoocery! So who cares! Well you threw me this huge party wherein you invited movie stars and other renowned bloggers. I started to wonder why you’d throw me such an extravaganza. Well we all got drunk and high (yeah, high) and I think I did naughty things with Tyrant (I know, weird). Then the day I had to leave it started snowing and we went cross-country skiing to the airport where you saw me off.

    It was the most vivid dream I’ve had in ages. Makes me wonder if I spend too much time at the Dooce community! Lol

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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