the smell of my desperation has become a stench

The teeth years

Those two teeth we thought were poking through Marlo’s gums turned out to be SIX. That’s one, two, three, four, YOU GET THE IDEA. We were sitting at lunch when Jon goes, DUDE. Do you see what’s going on in there? And I was adamant that it was just a cracker she had been chewing on, so I stuck my finger in her mouth and now I’m typing this with a nub.

That trip to the ER is coming out of her allowance. Thank god they found the tip of my finger in her poop.

Four molars poked through one night and woke her up, HOW IMPOLITE OF THEM. And then she was up for the next four hours screaming and flailing, and had it not been two o’clock in the morning I might have been a tiny bit more understanding. Instead, the part of my brain that hadn’t slept in two days took over and there I was trying to explain to her that some people don’t even have teeth let alone a numbing agent that you can buy at any drugstore. In fact, in some parts of the world? There are no drugstores. And where do you think those people get their tampons? They don’t. Do you see, Marlo, how fast I’m getting away from the initial point of this rant? I am going to bring this up at your wedding!

What if you’re gay and they haven’t yet legalized marriage for homosexuals? Then I’m going to protest on the steps of the Capitol with a sign that says, “CIVIL RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE SO THAT PARENTS CAN EMBARRASS ALL THEIR CHILDREN EQUALLY AT THE REHEARSAL DINNER.”

That’s why I haven’t slept in three days. Because human beings grow teeth. Not because of finals or a deadline, but because of someone else’s molars. Hey kids in college! Put that in your condom and smoke it.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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