An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

The audible eye roll

Yesterday Leta had a play date, and while she and her friend were snacking in the kitchen I was in an adjacent room sorting through some mail. I heard them start to tell each other knock knock jokes, the ones that have been passed down for generations, like the one about the banana, and then orange you glad I didn’t say banana?! Except since they’re both six, and since Leta is Leta, the delivery was a bit bumpy.

Friend: “Knock knock.”

Leta: “Who’s there?”

Friend: “Banana.”

Leta: “Yuck, stop, I hate bananas.”

Someone needs to come up with a knock knock joke about chicken nuggets, apparently.

Three or four jokes in I couldn’t help myself, so I charged in and said, “I’ve got one! I’ve got one!” And since they were both in need of new material they eagerly welcomed me into their exchange. Well, the friend was eager. Leta eyed me suspiciously. I mean, seriously? Mom has a joke? Mom couldn’t tell a good bedtime story if her life depended on it, so this should be interesting IF NOT WHOLLY MORTIFYING.

So I said, “Knock knock.”

And they both asked, “Who’s there?”

And I go, “MY BUTT!!

And then I slapped my knee and giggled to indicate that there was no more to the joke. That joke always ends there. A little history if you need a refresher.

And you guys, her friend started laughing so hard she almost fell out of her chair! HA! HA HA! That’s when I did a little circular dance and finally ended up down on one knee, my arms straight in the air to indicate VICTORY!

My butt, it has won.

Her friend was still laughing hysterically when Leta tried to explain dryly, “That is her answer to everything. And it still isn’t funny.”

Maybe so! But now I have an inside ally!

  • Mom101

    As Nate said on our very first date, farts are funny. And so are butts.

    In fact, I think our entire relationship is predicated on those facts.

    Leta’s friend’s mom may not agree of course. But that’s partly what makes it funny.

  • doublebuttons

    You would be a hit at my home. Do you do parties?

  • Truthful Mommy

    LOL! Yes, mine is 5 and I have heard the eye roll and seen the blank “You’re an asshole ,Mom” stare followed by the “Yeah…I don’t think so Mommy”. We’re in deep shit when they are teens.Of course, mine still can’t keep a straight face when I bring my butt into it. Victory is your Mama!I do love Leta’s response, I think you have an old soul there.Happy Mothering ,my friend. Enjoy these moments of dry disapproval because in about 7 years, we’ll be getting the very vocal side of things:)
    P.S. Since when have you met the requirements for “well rested self-entitled ho bag”? LOL! You have 2 little ones, there is no way I’m buying the well rested part:)LOL

  • The Prima Momma

    Nothin’ like a good MY BUTT joke to slay the six year old set. (Or 32 year old set, in my case.)

    Well done, madam. Well done indeed!

  • Bratfink

    Hahahahaha…. you said BUTT!

    [And that lady up there said FARTS!]

    I find farts hysterical. MY SO however, does not. This tells me he’s more girl than *I* am.

  • mrswilson

    That is so awesome. Why have kids if you can’t embarrass them??

  • abi

    Somehow *I’m* the immature one in my marriage – viz., this exchange with my kids that prompted an audible eye roll from my husband:
    Me: “Hey, what do you see under there?”
    4-year-old son: “Under where?”
    My 7- and 4-year-old boys, of course, found it hysterical, and my 2-year-old now punctuates conversations by shouting, “UNDERWEAR!” And I crack up every time. So what’s wrong with my husband?

  • Caitlinjane

    Try this one:

    A: Knock Knock!

    B: Who’s there?

    A: Smellmop!

    B: Smellmop who?

    A: Smell your POO! I don’t want to smell your poo!

    Fall down in gales of uncontrollable laughter. Repeat ad nauseum.

  • Dharma

    Everytime my 8 y/o son runs in and says “Guess what?”….

    I scream “Chicken Butt!” It never gets old.

  • apostate

    I was raised with four younger brothers and I can testify to you that that joke is, in fact, hilarious. Without a shadow of a doubt.

  • PrettyGirlMyers

    My son is 10, and for some reason he finds the word “boobs” to be hilarious. So we’ll be out shopping or at the dinner table, and one of us will randomly say “Hey Alex….Boobs!” and he’ll die laughing. It’s immature, I know, but I can’t help it.

  • kwm

    awesome! laughed outloud!

  • Fifi Coon

    My daugher is 30 – and I still get the audible eye roll. My son, on the other hand, finds me hysterically funny!!

    Farts are pretty funny at our house – except my daughter doesn’t fart – so of course she is the only one that doesn’t find them funny!

    Good Luck with Leta – it doesn’t ever change!

  • Laura Jones

    My Grandmother’s joke was, “Want to hear a couple of dillys?” “Yeah sure Grandma.” “Dilly dilly.”

    She told it so often it got moldy. Then one day while at work on a warm day when everyone was sleepy someone said, “anyone know a joke?” “Sure I know a couple of dillys.” “Go ahead.” Dilly, dilly. Do you know they fell in the floor laughing so hard other people came down the hall to find out what was so funny. Suddenly I knew why Grandmother told that one so often. One day Leta will be in the perfect situation to tell a fart joke, and she will know every single one of them and be a hero.

  • mtevis

    “My butt, it has won” sounds like a good masthead tagline.

  • marnilla

    My daughter had the format of knock jokes down way before she got the joke part.(I’d say knock knock, she’d say “Maya” (her name) I’d say “Maya who?” and she say triumphantly “Maya Sonja Smith!” (her full name)
    I am pleased to tell you that I taught her the joke part with a KK I made up, just for her:

    Knock, Knock
    Who’s there?
    Maya who?
    Maya good mama or what?about

  • kschwitter

    I love this!

  • IsabelofBedlam

    My idea of hilarious has a lot to do with diarrhea, so you’re right on target with this one…

    This kind of deeply witty humor ALWAYS makes me laugh my butt off/poop my pants!

  • Jennifer June

    re: butts are funny and For future non-knock-knock kid-friendly joke emergencies:

    What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
    Bunny Farts.

  • liandriel

    HA. My son won’t let me sing the “Found a Peanut” song, because he doesn’t like peanuts. (As if that stops me!)

  • InsanityQueen

    Here is a Chicken Nugget Knock Knock joke for you…

    “Knock, Knock”

    “Who’s there?”


    “Chicken who?”

    “Just Chicken, Nugget up and answer the door.”

    Lame…but the best I could think of.

  • waterbutterfly

    Similarly, my answer to many things (with the exception of professional context) tends to be “up your butt.” Even if it doesn’t make sense.

    Someone: Where did I put my keys?
    Me: Up your butt!

    Someone: What time is it?
    Me: Up your butt!

    Good times. :o)

  • etoile

    I like to teach my kids all the rude songs I learned as a kid, does that make me a bad mum?

    Comet it makes your mouth turn green…


  • InsanityQueen

    Additionally…I do the same type of thing as Dharma with my 4 yr. old grandson. It goes a little something like this:

    Me: Guess what?
    Kane: What?
    Me: Chicken butt!

    Me: Guess who?
    Kane: What?
    Me: Dog poo!

    Me: Guess why?
    Kane: What?
    Me: Turkey potpie!

    Me: Guess where?
    Kane: What?
    Me: Fuzzy bear!

    Me: Guess how?
    Kane: What?
    Me: Brown cow!

    As you can see he never fails to answer “What?” and he laughs like he has never heard it before.

    Occasionally I like to throw him off and make up new rhymes for the What, Who, Why, Where and How.

    Kids are the great but grandkids always think you are funny!

  • tallnoe

    I love “Chicken Butt” in response to “Guess What?!?”
    I still do it. So… yeah.

  • sksanders

    this isn’t a knock knock joke, but it’s in the same family:

    Me: Oh no! Someone put up-dog all over my desk!
    You: What’s up-dog?
    Me: Nothing man, what’s up with you?


  • Blahggy

    Now I’m wondering who’s mom LETA is finding funny. Cuz you know her friend doesn’t find her mom nearly as funny as you.

  • Jen

    Similar to waterbutterfly, when someone says something like “Does anyone know where my keys are?” I’ll respond “If they were up your ass you’d know.”

    I also say “chicken butt” entirely too much. This backfired one day when one of the attorneys I work with walked in my office and said “Guess what?” and as he proceeded to tell me what he came in there for, I screamed “Chicken butt!” before I realized what I was doing. Luckily he found it funny, but I was a little embarrassed.

    Butts and their functions – the jokes never get old.

  • Dani

    My two year old tells knock knock jokes just like that.

    Knock knock
    who’s there?
    Daddy ha ha ha ha

    My personal favorite so far has been

    Daughter: Knock knock Daddy
    Husband: Who’s there?
    Daughter: Mama’s panties!

    I was so pleased to be included.

  • tksinclair

    You’ve finally cracked the code. Take it from me the parent of a 30 year old, a 35 year old, a 13 and 16 year old….they will not like you until their friends start telling them how cool you are. And even then they won’t readily admit it BUT you’ll start to see little cracks.

    For instance my 16 year olds friends are on my Facebook. They think I’m SO FUNNY and SO KEWL…eventually, since the entire cheer squad thinks I’m the cool parent she has to relent.

    What’s funny is I started out thinking I had to win the other parents over, NOT. Forget the bake sales and the teacher assisting. That all got me NO WHERE. In fact the other parents will start to hate and resent you.

    Yes, you’ve cracked the code and before you girls hit puberty. That’s got to be a record.


  • HungryGrad

    Ok, that’s awesome.

    But you know what would’ve been even more awesome?

    If you had timed the knock knock joke to coincide with you farting!!!

    …maybe on second thought save that one for Marlo.

  • meggish

    That is so going to be me in a few years. I mean, uh, it’s going to be my butt.

  • the adams family

    My siblings and I used to hang out in the living room together in front of the TV because we didn’t have TV’s in our rooms because our mother thought it was a good way for us to bond to fight over the remote control. Well, one day…the remote was gone. Couldn’t find it. Tore up the living room trying to look for it. And my brother kept on saying…”WHERE’S THE REMOTE?!” And I would always answer with, “UP YOUR BUTT AND AROUND THE CORNER.”

  • skull

    i like leta’s style.

  • lekki

    knock knock
    who’s there?
    I diddup

  • sparkklegirl

    Tears! Coming out of my eyes!

    Your humor is right up my alley!

    My kids would probably side with Leta! But who cares really?! We are parents–It is our JOB to be embarrassing!

    Butts! FTW!

  • imaynotremember

    Leta is such an articulate, smart little girl. She cracks me up!! 🙂

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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