An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

When networking goes horribly wrong

I didn’t think this time would ever come, but in the last couple of months I have had to reassess my list for a reason other than “this one hates dogs” or “that one has toe hair.”

You’re like, this had better not be her grocery list.

The list list. The five people you would most like to have sex with outside of your marriage, and if one of them called you up and was all, hey girl, your significant other would have to give you a pass. Except, the people on your list have to be so out of reach that such a phone call would not ever happen. So out of reach that you cannot know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows their dentist.

Enter: Christy Turlington. Those who are familiar with my list asked me if I brought this up with her during our trip to Bangladesh, and I was like, RIGHT. How on earth was that conversation supposed to go?

“I really want to have sex with your friend’s husband.”

And then she’d be like, great. Nice to meet you, too!

A few weeks before our trip I read a profile of Gwyneth Paltrow in Bon Appetit talking about her cookbook. She mentioned throwing a party for a whole bunch of her friends, and Christy is quoted in the article. SHE WAS AT THAT PARTY. Guess who happened to be there, too? Gwyneth’s husband. Chris Martin. Occupier of the top spot on my list.

He couldn’t be fifth, COULD HE. NO. He had to be at the top. So I awkwardly approached my husband and asked if there might be an exception to the rules, like, maybe instead of taking someone off of your list you just move them down a few notches. I didn’t tell him why I was asking, only that a friend wanted to know.

“Christy Turlington knows Gwyneth Paltrow, doesn’t she?” he said more than asked.


Turns out, yes, they know each other well. Very well, so Chris had to be erased completely from the list. So I wrote his name on a piece of embossed stationery, folded it in half and buried it in the back yard, the silence broken only as my tears bounced off the fresh dirt. SEE WHAT YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON, CHRIS.

What a sorry state my list was in! No number one, and two whole spots occupied by Michael Phelps? HEATHER. Pull yourself together. What if some hunky famous person calls in the next couple of weeks for some action and he’s not listed? The rules say you’d have to turn him down. My marriage vows do, too, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT.

I’ve had to come up with a revised list, and this is not easy work! There are only five spots and yet very many famous people getting in shape for their next role!

And I don’t remember what it was, oh, wait. Yes I do. It was this clip of Ryan Gosling feeding an apple to his dog when I remembered how I used to really dislike Ryan Gosling, not for any particular reason, only that people (little girls) kept raving about “The Notebook” and I most certainly was not going to see “The Notebook” until I finally gave in and saw “The Notebook” and HOLY SHIT, I LOOOOOOOVE RYAN GOSLING.

That kissing scene in the rain. You cannot finish watching that movie with your virginity intact. Not possible.

And then here he is breaking up a street fight. Behold his arms:

Almost all of the work he has done since “The Notebook” has deepened that love. He’s hot, pure sex even, but he’s also… strange. Sometimes he looks like his great grandfather from Hoboken dressed him, but he doesn’t care. And it’s that not caring that takes him from no where near my list to the top spot.

So here’s what it looks like now:

1. Ryan Gosling
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Brad Pitt
4. Clive Owen
5. Damon Albarn

What is the state of your list?

  • OhBlahDah

    Okay, I’m not married, so I will just call this a fantasy list:

    1. Bradley Cooper. Finest hunk of man flesh this side of the Missippi.
    2. Mark Harmon. Always and forever the starting UCLA QB in my mind.
    3. That #2 Guy on NCIS because he sparkles. Okay, Googled him for you . . . Michael Weatherly.
    4. Simon Denny Baker. Omigosh, he is blond perfection with a permanent giggle behind his eyes.
    5. Robert Redford. Yes. He is still that fine, and he sends me e-mail via

    Damn. They are all actors and I have a ton of musicians that deserve fantasy. Yes, I’m greedy!

    1. Eric Clapton. Any time, any day, anywhere.
    2. John Mayer. I’ve forgiven him for running off his mouth because of the way he handles a fretboard.
    3. Keith Urban. And I don’t even like country music. Must be the Aussie accent.
    4. Dave Grohl. The man is a genius. Nuff said.
    5. Craig Ferguson. Did you hear him sing his theme song in Paris with piano and bass? And yes, he was a punk drummer back in the day. Okay, if I can’t have him, I’ll take Dave Matthews as musician #5.

  • lssierra

    You bitch, that is my boyfriend! But, since we will never speak on the phone, I’ll give you a pass to talk about him on your little blog.

  • Sarah Cate

    @Norabloom Excellent point; I think you’re right about Jolie being the safe choice.

    To wit: my list of 5 women (even though Lena Headey is already on my main list)

    1. Lena Headey
    2. Rosamund Pike
    3. Christina Hendricks
    4. Mary Louise Parker
    5. Claudia Black

  • Chloe

    So I guess I get Gilles Marini all to myself. Thank you!

    1. Clive Owen
    2. Gilles Marini
    3. Stellan Skarsgard (bucking a trend there but love)
    4. Colin Firth
    5. George Harrison

    Others: (been watching too many SATC reruns) Mikhail Baryshnikov and that Jason fellow, the blonde.

  • whurlgurl

    1. Ryan Reynolds
    2. Matt Damon
    3. Colin Firth
    4. Lee Stetson (Scarecrow)
    5. Father Ralph De Bricassart

  • Midamerican Tinkerbell

    1. Dr. Drew – Big words and dress shirts. Yes.
    2. George Clooney – Eyes that crinkle when he smiles
    3. Daniel Craig – Also with the eye thing
    4. Craig Ferguson – Humor and kindness and shoulders
    5. JFK Jr. – We still miss you.

  • AlisonG

    1. Russell brand
    2. Stevie Nicks
    2. Eddie Vedder
    4. Kiefer Sutherland
    5. Susan Sarandon

    After typing their names, oh dear, now I’m breathing heavily.

  • Amanda Brumfield

    1. Robert Pattison (I bet he really sparkles, swoon)

    2. Christian Langdon (Gorgeous Northern Brit/musician/DJ)

    3. Christopher Meloni (Especially when he kisses
    dudes. Warning: link leads to hot dudes kissing)

    4. Sam Rockwell (I don’t know. Have you seen Moon?)

    5. Jonathan Rhys Meyers (Dur)

  • cndbain

    1) Ani DiFranco
    2) Johnny Depp
    3) Angelina Jolie
    4) Timothy Olyphant
    5) Antony Stewart Head (I’ve been watching a lot of Buffy reruns lately, and the older I get the hotter Giles gets).

  • Exena

    1. Ed O’Brien
    2. Larry Mullen Jr
    3. Leonardo DiCaprio
    4. Robert Downey Jr
    5. Paul Simonon

    I like my musicians…and my Jrs, haha.

  • Maggles

    1. George Clooney
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Chino Moreno (lead singer for the Deftones)
    4. Serj Tankian (lead singer for System of a Down)
    5. Will Ferrell (dude is hilarious)

    I wouldn’t have to lift a finger with that list. Will Ferrell? We would just spend all night one-upping each other with hilarities. It would be awesome!!!

  • msjen


    I have one name for you all:

    Hrithik Roshan

    If you are unaware of the green eyed Bollywood actor, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go rent Jodhaa Akbar.

    Farther down the list is:

    Liam Neeson
    Ken Watanabe
    Craig Ferguson
    Sir Richard Branson (circa 1987)
    Nikki Sixx (circa 1981’s Too Fast for Love)

  • angiedb

    Wow. I haven’t visited my list in a long while. Glad you brought this up.

    1. Dave Matthews–my GOD if he just sang and played to only me or raised that eyebrow in my general direction I would melt into goo.

    2. Gary Sinise–There’s just always been something about him. I will love him forever. Amen.

    3. Michael C. Hall–I am considering buying a Dodge just because they use his voice in the commercials. *swoon* Also? If he comes to my door, he MUST wear the Dexter hunting/killing outfit. My lord, that shirt on him!

    4. Kyle Chandler–such a shame that Friday Night Lights has ended and I can’t watch him every week. I’ll always have DVD.

    5. Mark Ruffalo–The messy hair that I want to bury my fingers in and those chocolate brown eyes. *sigh*

    Honorable mention–Adam Levine. Pure sex. Simon Baker. John Taylor and Roger Taylor from Duran Duran. Jeff Saturday from the Indianapolis Colts.

    I also have crushes on Kevin James and Steve Carrell (especially in Dan in Real Life and Crazy, Stupid Love.)

  • angiedb

    And, um, yeah. Whoever it was that said Jeff from Big Brother. Yes, please.

  • Just Julie

    for a minute there I thought I was going to be the only one who had Craig Ferguson on their list. . . glad to see a few others know who this charming Scottish lad is. And Dave Gahan. Take me away with the musicians, please.

    The only wrinkle in the current Craig Ferguson armor is that he married a few years back. Before that, circa 2008, when I first “found” him, I thought I’d hit the jackpot fantasy world and could just die happy on the spot. I was getting my crackpipe hit nightly via his show, and that was enough for me! Googling, generally stalking his fine a$$ all over the internet was so satisfying. I felt I could carry on with the hum-drum life of an almost 20 + year marriage to a dullard, if only I could keep up the fantasy of this charming, beguiling, flirtacious man.

    Then, he went and got married. For anyone interested, his first show back, after his wedding, he not only acknowledged how many “of us” would be utterly gutted by this news, but he looked a bit sheepish about the whole “marrying a 20 YEARS younger woman”. He knew he was hypocrasing himself all over the place, as he’d made a point in some shows to make fun of the dudes who do the mid-life crisis babes. Oh well, I”m over him going off and being an ordinary married celebrity dude who has a baby at almost 50. He’s off my tivo rotation, but I turn him on (lol) for kicks when I’m bored.

  • Dirse

    1. Stephen Colbert
    2. Wyatt Cenac
    3. Jesse Eisenberg
    4. Nathan Fillion
    5. John Oliver

    Actually anyone at The Daily Show….

  • AshesVonDust

    Ok, I just watched the clip from the Unfunny Douche Night Show… I know he’s not wearing socks with his shoes, but I don’t care, he is carefully biting off a piece of apple to feed his dog. Not chucking a biscuit at him. LOVINGLY HAND FEEDING HIM. *swoon* I don’t care for him that much, but awww-freakin’-wwww!

    My list:

    David Usher
    Alan Rickman
    David Bowie
    Trent Reznor*
    Gaspard Ulliel

    *Only if I had a time machine back to the 90s… But if I had that, I would never come back, so this comment doesn’t exist

  • danioz

    Here I was thinking I only had THREE to choose from and I can have FIVE! Made my day!

    Mine are:
    1. George Clooney (have a thing for cropped grey hair on men)
    2. Ryan Gosling (even hot as Lars)
    3. Louis Theroux (geek chick has always done it for me)
    4. Bradley Cooper (but only if he speaks french a’la
    5. Jason Bateman (like an old pair of slippers, Mr Bateman has been with me since my youth)

  • IsabelofBedlam



  • AshesVonDust

    Chino Moreno, Robert Downey Jr, Anthony Head, Chris Meloni, Alexander Skarsgård, Sam Trammell, Kevin Alejandro, Richard Armitage, April Flores, Mandy Morbid (yep, had to throw some porn stars in there) – MAN I need a longer list!

    Can I just have sex with everybody? Please?

  • mywholelife

    We call it Who Is in Your Minivan.

    I drive.

    In the back row are Lenny Kravitz, Brandi Carlile, and Dave Annable.

    Behind me are Hilary Swank and Brad Pitt.

    Jon Stewart is shotgun.

    Now that’s a road trip.

  • suebob

    1. Craig Ferguson
    2. Adrien Brody
    3. Kakå
    4. John Stewart
    5. Ira Glass

  • mrburns

    Am I really going to throw the first Jeff Goldblum out there? Shame on all of you!

    1. Jeff Goldblum
    2. Dave 1 of Chromeo
    3. Trent Reznor, pre “married with a kid now I’m happy and life is grand” douchery
    4. Audrey Tatou, “Amelie” anyone? Le sigh…
    5. Judd Nelson circa the Brat Pack years

  • Amy J.

    Ok, I gotta join in here.

    1. Either of the Avett Brothers, but I do have a preference for Seth
    2. Ryan Gosling
    3. Alexander Skarsgard
    4. Jim Sturgess
    5. Josh Halloway


    1. Ray Lamontagne
    2. Matt Costa
    3. Johnny Depp
    4. Robert Plant 30+ years ago
    5. Clint Eastwood 30 years+ years ago

  • desertwolf

    Assuming they were gay and single (and maybe a bit desperate, heh):

    1. Joe Manganiello
    2. Gerard Butler
    3. Hugh Jackman
    4. Ryan Reynolds
    5. Ryan Kwanten

    with some consideration to:

    1. Angelina Jolie
    2. Milla Jovovich

  • MereDeDeux

    1. Pierce Brosnan – fell in lust when I was in elementary school and he was Remington Steele…and he still does it for me
    2. Brad and/or Angelina – I’m flexible (bonus!)
    3. Jake Gyllenhaal – those eyes…
    4. Matthew McConaughey – because you just know he’s a helluva ride
    5. Chace Crawford/Zac Effron (just b/c they’re so… corruptible!)
    Honorable mention – in memorium – JFK, Jr.

  • Natascha

    1. George Clooney
    2. Rodrigo Santoro
    3. Javier Bardem
    4. Ashton Kutcher
    5. Hugh Jackman

  • denise karis

    I spent more time on this shit than I did on my college application. I think my priorities are clear.

    1. Leo Dicaprio – if this can get weird, afterward, I’d fake a death scene and see Leos famous “Noooooo, OH GOD NO!” over my dead body.

    2. Teenaged Vampires…Rpatz for the people who think that’s cheating. Blood should be drawn somewhere in here.

    3. John Krasinski – you know you would. I’d have to act innocent for this one.

    4. Young Brando – I have never talked about anything with so much conviction as I have when I’m talking about the beauty of young Brando. It would be in black and white if I had a say so.

    5. Conan O’Brien – I feel bad that he’s at the bottom of the list since this one really is true love but there it is.

    (I also have to say I’m sorry, SO SORRY, to Jack Shephard/ Matthew Fox….We’ll get you in there once one of those five call me.)

  • schweedie

    @Norabloom – Rosario Dawson is my choice among the ladies as a straight woman, if that makes you feel better! Always has been, always will be. Girl is hot.

    1. James McAvoy (I believe someone else mentioned Mr Tumnus? You are not alone.)
    2. Ryan Gosling
    3. Edward Norton
    4. James Franco
    5. Jamie Bell (He’s only two years younger than me. Don’t look at me like that!)

    Honorary mentions to Taye Diggs, Milo Ventimiglia and Mark Ruffalo.

    I’m loving the recurring Gosling theme, here! It’s like you say, Heather – pure sex and strange at the same time.

  • Becky Cochrane

    NO, Chloe. Gilles Marini is mine. Also Lenny Kravitz, John Hamm, Dermot Mulroney, and I can’t seem to come up with a fifth.

  • Cool_Mable

    My husband and I each year say who we would like to have come to our “birthday parties”

    This year:

    1. Sting
    2. Sam Shephard
    3. Lenny Kravitz
    4. Jude Law
    5. Harry Connick Jr.

  • raynshannon

    1. Ryan Renolds
    2. Tanning Chatum
    3. Kellan Lutz
    4. Eric Dane
    5. Jared Padalecki/Jesse Williams (I cannot decide. Depends the day. But OMG totally mouthwateringly scrumptious.)

    You know, this is my list today. But it may change tomorrow. 5 is totally an unfair number.

  • annecat

    Did not a single one of you say Bono? Really?! Yes, ideally anywhere from the late 80s to the mid 90s, but come on! 🙂

  • clh378

    gosling is so damn sexy… mmmmm. His quirkyness shoots him past Johnny Depp, which is quite the feat in my eyes:

    1. Ryan Gosling
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Jon Hamm
    4. Owen Wilson
    5. Taye Diggs

  • LynnB

    Matt Beringer (lead singer of The National)
    Paul Rudd
    Colin Firth
    Pierce Brosnan
    Richard Gere

  • lynnie

    1. Alex O’loughlin
    2. Dave Grohl
    3. George Clooney
    4. Harrison Ford
    5. Andy Garcia

    Thanks! This was fun!

  • LynnB

    I’m going to take the next hour and listen to The National now. There goes my productive morning.

  • beardlover

    I’d always heard of this as the “guilt-free three” list. Mine has long consisted of:

    1. Zachary Levi
    2. Adrian Grenier
    3. Rob Pattinson (for some reason, I find his social awkwardness very endearing)

    Adding two more feels like such an important decision; I don’t want to rush it. I think I need to leave that 5th spot blank for a while so I don’t choose poorly, but I can definitely tell you who my 4th would be.

    4. Grater (of Pushba and Grater quasi-fame: I know he doesn’t fit my “type” and he’s a bit feminine looking, but dang. That hair. Those calves. Bring. It. On.

  • haspotential

    Paul Rudd
    Paul Rudd
    Ryan Kwanten
    Alexander Skarsgard
    Paul Rudd

    (My husband better hope I don’t meet Paul Rudd).

  • mitzyjalapeno

    OK, the boyfriend is very against this but I say it’s always allowed. So, it’s allowed 🙂

    1. Ryan Reynolds – I’m in New Orleans, and if he were shooting a movie here, he might be in danger of being stalked. (I’ll never know if he’s here, though, because the temptation would be too much.)
    2. Clive Owen
    3. Andy Whitfield
    4. Jon Hamm
    5. And, even though I’m ashamed, Matthew Morrison:

  • lupe1515

    1. Matt Damon (been at the top of my list since high school when Good Will Hunting stole my heart – and he hasn’t disappointed me since).
    2. Daniel Craig (hello Bond).
    3. Ryan Reynolds (the abs, oh, the abs).
    4. Sam Worthington (where has he been lately?).
    5. Filled by rotating actors in very specific roles and changes when their subsequent role turns me off/is not so sexy (i.e., Russell Crow in Gladiator = swoon, Russell Crow in A Beautiful Mind = amazing but not nearly sexy enough, obvi).

  • The Baker Bee

    1. Brad Pitt. He’s been number 1 since I was 15… 15 years ago. I don’t care how weird he is.
    2. Ewan McGregor. Yes, please.
    3. Ryan Reynolds
    4. Ryan Gosling
    5. Mark Wahlberg

  • jenm

    1. James Badge Dale
    2. Simon Baker (he’d have to talk with the Aussie accent though – okay, not really)
    3. John Barrowman (I know, REALLY no chance there but yummy nonetheless)
    4. Carl Urban
    5. Owain Yeoman (it’s a height thing, I’m 6’2″ and for once I’d like to make out with a guy who’s actually taller than me).

  • knolting

    1. Jake Gyllenhaal
    2. Ben Barnes
    3. Lee Pace
    4. Ryan Gosling
    5. Ewan McGregor


  • deedeedragon

    Hugh Jackman
    Vincent Cassel
    Mark Harmon
    George Clooney
    Brad Pitt (he almost ran me over once here in France, but I don’t think that counts as knowing him)

  • Pandora Has A Box

    Heather, you can keep Chris Martin. Or not. But I’ll FIGHT you for Clive Owen.

    My list:

    1)Keanu Reeves
    2)Tom Petty
    3)Laird Hamilton
    4)Clive Owen
    5)Monica Bellucci

    The number 3 spot rotates. Kind of like a guest starring position on Love Boat. Which makes Keanu Reeves “Gopher” and Tom Petty “Issac” and Clive Owen “the Captain”.

    Please hand me some brain bleach. Stat!

  • MsMegan

    1-5. Colin Farrell

    You know, he could be sort of like Oliver Reed. Except not quite dead.

    Anyone know him?

  • Rena Gray

    If you wrote about love for Ryan Gosling and didn’t mention Crazy, Stupid Love then you need to run and see that movie. I said RUN! He’s dreamy and did you know he was in the Mickey Mouse Club?! He can sing!

  • Kristina

    1. Eric Dane
    2. Alexander Skarsgard
    3. Patrick Dempsey
    4. Gerard Butler
    5. Orlando Bloom

    Oh so yummy!

  • LolaLala

    Good Hell, please check out Ryan’s band Dead Man’s Bones!

    They’re so sexually creepy and it works.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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