An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

To the rescue, my friend

One afternoon last week, I don’t even remember what day it was (why have I not blocked this event out of my brain entirely?), Tyrant came upstairs into the office and he was carrying Marlo. Let me back up a second and tell you that before Tyrant joined the team here he didn’t really care for kids or dogs, or, you know, being a decent human being. Oh! And I may not be able to get him back for all the pranks he’s pulled on me over the years, but I can have him pick up my tampons:

Marlo is now Tyrant’s favorite little buddy. They make coffee together in the morning, play tag in and out of the living room and routinely go outside and pick flowers. It was on one of these flower-picking excursions in the backyard that Tyrant set Marlo down so he could cut a few stems from one of our blooming trees when suddenly she yelled, “WOOK! A STHNAAAAAKE! A STHNAAAAAKE!”

Gleefully. With much delight. Total euphoria. A snake, you guys! It’s, like, raining fucking panties!

He didn’t give it much thought because he didn’t believe she would know what she was talking about, but then he heard ITS RATTLE.

Yeah. Yep. THAT kind of sthnaaaaake. OF COURSE it was that kind of snake. It couldn’t just be a sweet little garden snake with a jaunty red hat singing the alphabet, no.

OH! And you want to know why she was able to identify a snake? Because she watches a shit ton of “Go, Diego, Go!” So you can go ahead and tell me that television is rotting her brain and I’ll just go ahead and pretend to jerk off.

He turned around to see a four to five foot long rattlesnake just a few feet from Marlo who was pretty much counting how many ways she was going to cuddle that thing. Santa Claus could have been standing there holding a chocolate fountain and she would have run past him to grab that snake and rub her nose on its belly.

Meanwhile Coco was going crazy (surprise!) and jumping at it (JUMPING. AT. IT.), causing it to curl itself up into the shape of my nightmares. It must have been amused at Coco’s posturing because it snapped its head at her but didn’t land a bite, a warning to get the hell away, you stupid little dog, don’t you know it killed a herd of deer before breakfast.

That’s what he came into the office to tell me, that Marlo had found a snake! And not just any old snake! A rattlesnake! In the backyard! Wheeeee!

The? What are… I mean… UH? We have a rattlesnake in our backyard?! Do we all just roll over and die now, because I’m not sure there is any way to go on living and breathing knowing that it could just slither in the door any second and OH. THAT DID IT. THAT IMAGE RIGHT THERE JUST DID ME IN. Next time you see me and it looks like I’m puking air it’s because my face is now frozen that way.

We called animal control (“Hi, remember me? Yeah, I’m the one who freaked out because a bird looked at her. How have you been?”) and they were pretty much useless. They didn’t have any traps for domestic use, so try to avoid it! Right. Try to avoid it. That is such great advice. I never would have thought of it.

I’m concerned about the kids, yes, but I’m more concerned about one, the idiot dog, and two, the morose dog who likes to hide out in the bushes and may accidentally stumble across this thing and can you even imagine the content he’d have for his poetry except oops he’s dead.

Tyrant called the vet who had a myriad of stories to tell, and her advice was to avoid the vaccine and instead take the dogs to snake training. Snake training?! Yeah. That was my reaction, too. You take the dogs into a room with LIVE SNAKES OH MY GOD I’M DEAD.

So, who would like to come sit on my back porch with a gun?

  • wendyp72

    Woman you are from the south. Git you a shovel and chop that mo fo’s head off!! DONE. Oh and snake training classes for dogs??? Y’all ARE crazy on the west coast!!

  • Ezza

    Move to Australia. We don’t have any snakes here.

    Just drop bears.

    And bunyips.

  • Cateyez

    Holy hell! I don’t even know what I’d do in that case? Google ‘snake traps’? Gah! Here in Chicago the scariest things we have to contend with are carpenter ants the size of rat. Sometimes they have wings. Bonus points for killing those.

  • k-sara-sara

    Dude, I totally agree with everyone saying cut its head off. It’s the only way. Husband killed a snake (albeit, not a rattler) last week that had its big ugly head right at our window. Trying to get in our house. Yeah. Cut that fucker’s head off.

  • ChickWhitt

    I’m excited that we use the same tampons because they come in pretty colors. This is sad.

  • kelcut

    HELL. NO.
    Seriously. Hell. No.

    How are these other people making funny comments & telling their own anecdotes? Did no one else curl into fetal position reading your post? Did they stop reading at the cute little tampon story.

    RATTLE SNAKE people.
    HELL. NO.

  • katierosecase

    Snake training sounds like my worst nightmare. Do they have raid for snakes? That’s my suggestion…Or move. I’d totally move.

  • dianemaggipintovoiceover

    nice product placement 😉

  • Marla

    My worst nightmare. Really. We lost a dachshund to a rattlesnake bite. It was awful. AWFUL! But there’s more to the story. Trudy (the dachshund we didn’t lose due, maybe, to rattlesnake training) took the class. Can I tell you? That was a nightmare as well. They put a SHOCK collar on her and when she approached the humanely musseled rattlesnake hiding under a bucket (yes, they did say that. Humanely musseled. Rattlesnake and humanely musseled just don’t even belong in the same sentence). So when she did totter over to take a look (of course she would), they shocked her with the collar. My poor bitsy rose off the ground 3″ from the surprise! They did this several times to get her tuned into the program. Then they did a second exercise. I can’t even remember that one I was so upset. The graduation phase was putting a snake between me and my little girl dog. I was to call her to me. She took one look at me, one look at that snake, and made a beeline up the hill and then back down to mommy – putting as much space between herself and the snake as was possible. Success! I guess. And then we got another dog. Older and a male. And then the snake showed up in our backyard. Buddy went after it like the ferocious dachshund hunter dog that he was, was bitten on the head, and died 8 hours later. It was heartbreaking. But then! Then! Another (or maybe the same) snake showed up under the same bush that had hidden Buddy’s murderer. I was brave. I shoo’ed the dogs away and inside, got my cell phone, called Animal Control, and hung from my fence for 2-1/2 hours waiting for them to come. They said to keep an eye on it. Oh yes I did. I watched it and watched it and watched it. At some point, I thought “Wow, look at that leaf. It looks strange. Am I hallucinating from having to pee so bad?” That wasn’t no leaf Mildred! That was the snake watching me watching him in that bush. The end of the story is that Animal Control nevered showed up, the snake and I eyeballed one another FOREVER until he got bored and slithered his own self back over the block wall and off the bigger and better things. Crisis over for now at my house. Scary with the little ones for you. Good luck. Be vigilent (as if that needs to be said).

  • jenwilson

    First of all, I think it is hilariously awesome that he gets you tampons. And sends a photo just to make sure. A wise man, he is.

    Second, HOLY CRAP A RATTLE SNAKE RIGHT BY YOUR BABY! I would be freaking the heck out. And sleeping on the top floor. And walking around in those pants you wear when you’re fishing in the river. I’m glad Marlo (and the dogs)(and Tyrant) is (are) okay.

    Snake training? Really? That’s, like, a real thing?

  • addie877

    Does the Fire Department where you live do snake removal?

    We live in AZ. Some departments will do snake removal, others will not. Some kill them, some just catch and release elsewhere…Just something to maybe check into.

  • BrandyOSU

    Dear lord. When I got to the part about the snake I thought you were going to say he was carrying her because she got bit! So what you do is get a gun or get a hoe…either way, aim for the head. 😉

  • mollymom24

    I grew up in a hilly-area with rattlers aplenty. Had a fabulous view of the Pacific and Catalina island though which more than made up for that tiny problem. There are myriad stories about the time I almost stepped on one that was sleeping in the ice plant that lined the hillside behind our house or the one that fell asleep on our shaded front porch on a hot summer’s day. I got the rattle from the one on the porch courtesy of the animal control officer that came out to “take care of” that one. The services that our tax dollars don’t cover anymore, right?
    You know Marlo’s life won’t be complete unless she gets a rattlesnake rattle now, don’t you?
    We ALL need a Tyrant in our lives. I’m still waiting for mine…

  • I Had Ice

    In the country they keep outdoor cats for this very reason…

  • kat

    Lol I grew up with snakes as pets! My dad use to go out to the desert catch some rattlesnakes, keep the at home and milk their venom selling it to whoever it is that makes the anti venom stuff!!

  • Vilasy

    What is amazing is that on the same day I had to deal with my first ever cobra, you post this. I am more of a wishy washy catch and release type, which I sincerely regretted when faced with the damn thing. I posted the tale here.. but then, I don’t have kids. If I did, I’m sure it would be a story involving my neighbor’s shotgun.

  • KarenB

    First as many have suggested, call around to find someone who will remove the rattlesnake.

    Second, as for keeping them away, try moth balls. If you’ve ever smelled “snake away” it is basically crushed MOTH BALLS. Every spring we spread them around the perimeter of the house and the fenceline. Works pretty good.

    Third, training is essential for your children and if you wish your pets. The kids must learn not to touch or go near; but to run away and find an adult.

    Since I live in a rural area of Texas, we have lot’s of poisonous snakes to deal with. Not only do we have rattlesnakes, but we also have copperheads and coral snakes.

    They creep me out, but are a fact of life here. Luckily I have my guy to take care of them for me.

    Good Luck.

  • TxSuzyQ

    Okay, here’s a clue. You do not trap and release rattle snakes, YOU KILL THEM ON SIGHT. There are plenty of other “good” snakes that will eat rodents and creepy crap you don’t want around your yard and house, but rattle snakes kill the “GOOD” snakes, too.


  • LauraZ

    Oh snakes. They are the things that freak me and scare me the most. Seriously, I can’t even take jokes about snakes.
    I had one IN MY HOUSE (not a rattlesnake, but let’s face it–fear is fear) many moons ago. And when I called animal control they were completely useless. Mind you I made this call standing on my couch. Anyway, I then somehow found a “Snake Guy”, this may be is official business name…and he explained to me that he had just put his snake catching tools away and that it would be expensive for him to come to catch the snake.

    I explained to HIM that he could find his tools and I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH IT COSTS COME GET THIS BLOODY SNAKE. He arrived 30 minutes later, caught it and took him far, far away.

    This of course didn’t end the story of snakes at that house, but never again IN the house… Be advised, they typically have friends, so if you do employ the shovel technique, Hal and Earl his pals will come looking for him–snakes release a scent when scared. I experienced this after my dad killed one with a shovel, the next day his buddy was looking for him right around the same spot where he met his demise. We ended up pouring gasoline on the spot to kill the scent.

    I don’t envy you. A real estate agent may be a good call.

  • unwisely

    I thought the Avenues were okay when I was just going there for yoga, but now I’m picking up my CSA there, and the suicide corners are freaking me out. Now there are rattlesnakes???

    OMG. I am so not prepared for this state.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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