the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Avon World Sales Leader to the rescue

I’m taking a moment out of the insanity of this move to publicly thank my family for all the help they’ve given me already, and we’re not even halfway done. My mother in particular is being a superhero, and over the weekend she gathered up about a dozen Mormons who came in and moved a basement full of heavy boxes full of books and CDs and clothing that Leta is passing down to Marlo. Thank you Mom and Dad. Thank you Rob and Grace. Thank you September and Steve and Mariah and Meredith and Britton and Joshua and Noah. Thanks to the two BYU kids who pitched in and didn’t even flinch when it came time to move the boxes labeled EXPLICIT PREMARITAL SEX TOYS.


Yes, I make fun of Mormons in this space more than some of you are comfortable with. I think you would, too, if your childhood was as thoroughly scarred as mine by having to sacrifice all those baby goats in the temple. I think you can agree that I’ve got a point.

But seriously. The majority of Mormons I know are magnificent people. They are generous and kind and they know how to rally when someone is in need. They excel at organizing relief efforts, and they don’t get enough credit for their magnanimity. And really, most of them can take a joke about their magical underwear.

We’ll leave discussion of Prop 8 for another day. Ahem.

Eleven years ago I hurt my family so deeply by things I had written here that I did not know if I was ever going to salvage my relationship with them. I’m very lucky that they are so forgiving, because the support they have given me despite our many differences has saved my life on multiple occasions, and this move is one of them. The love and companionship they show my children will be some of the greatest memories my girls have of growing up in Utah. They are worth the snow and the ice and the endless freezing temperatures and the insane Victorian liquor laws.

On Saturday my brother Ranger and his wife Kim are joining the whole gang for the biggest leg of this haul, so I should be sleeping under another roof by Saturday night. All because of the help of these crazy conservative Mormons who love me even though most of their children learned how to say shit because Marlo taught them.

Thanks for project managing this whole event, Mom. I love you.

  • Susie

    2013/03/05 at 2:21 pm

    Your Mother is beautiful.

  • Lil Dane$

    2013/03/05 at 2:23 pm

    What an awesome family and support group. So glad you have them during this difficult time. Much love to all!

  • HeatherArmstrong

    2013/03/05 at 2:24 pm

    She is. Thank you.

  • thewavelife

    2013/03/05 at 2:24 pm

    Inside and Out, it would appear.

  • C

    2013/03/05 at 2:24 pm

    Yay! for Mormon moms who love their not-so-much daughters so perfectly. I have one too! 🙂


    2013/03/05 at 2:25 pm

    –>I bribe my family and friends to help me move with the promise and beer and pizza. It’s only after the fact that they realize that’s what I’m eating and drinking while they move my stuff.

  • jessiCat

    2013/03/05 at 2:29 pm

    This is such a great post!!! Your family sounds like mine, rally around no matter what when we need each other. That’s such a kick ass thing to have. Congrats on getting your move on!!! Don’t let Marlo have the nail gun. 🙂

  • Arnebya

    2013/03/05 at 2:39 pm

    With fabulous brows and excellent taste in handwear colors, it appears.

  • MM3

    2013/03/05 at 2:39 pm

    Family is family. No matter how insane they all are. Including us. The true test is pulling together in times of need. Best of luck as you embark on this new chapter.

  • Beth

    2013/03/05 at 2:44 pm

    Awesome. But is diet Coke kosher for mormons? I thought they didn’t do caffeine. Or is it a myth?

  • Jennifer Cafferty

    2013/03/05 at 2:48 pm

    I almost wondered if your mom was in charge of the sex toy box, based on her gloves. 😉 Good luck with the move. Glad you have so many helping hands.

  • Melissa Crawshaw

    2013/03/05 at 2:57 pm

    moms are the best! and someday your kids will say that about you also…but you are going to have to suffer through puberty first (and perhaps jail time for one of them…MARLO).

    p.s. moving sucks!

  • Sandy

    2013/03/05 at 3:00 pm

    Did your Mom need those gloves to wrangle the bobcat?
    P.S. She is so pretty…your Mom, not the bobcat!

  • twinmomma

    2013/03/05 at 3:09 pm

    That’s how family should be. I’m glad you have such a good one.

  • Katybeth

    2013/03/05 at 3:37 pm

    I always liked this quote–applies to Moms but in many cases family as well, “A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no aw, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” “Agatha Christie

  • Sunny Quinn Archibald

    2013/03/05 at 3:40 pm

    My day is never complete without one of your posts. This was a beauty, and so is your mom.

  • Stacie S-H

    2013/03/05 at 4:08 pm

    its a myth. Mormons can drink caffiene

  • HeatherArmstrong

    2013/03/05 at 5:05 pm

    It’s caffeine in hot drinks that they are specifically asked to avoid.

  • Heather

    2013/03/05 at 5:13 pm

    Are you moving out of state?

  • C-C Rider

    2013/03/05 at 7:02 pm

    Your mom is SOOOO pretty! And yes, beautiful inside and out.

  • LindseyO

    2013/03/05 at 7:48 pm

    OK, I kind of choked up at this. Beautiful tribute. 🙂

  • Erin Gill

    2013/03/06 at 4:21 am

    Ah, one of the generation of ‘well groomed’ women. I’ve never achieved this look.

  • momo5n4

    2013/03/06 at 6:09 am

    All of us have screwy families in one way or another. You may be the screwiest part of yours, but you guys are awesome! I always stood in awe of your mom’s ability to get things done, she is a DYNAMO!

  • Allison Cross

    2013/03/06 at 8:12 am

    Seriously, your mom is a babe!

  • Stephanie

    2013/03/06 at 10:42 am

    I married a former Mormon like yourself, and his family (who is still very Mormon) is amazing, generous, kind, loving, supportive. I feel so lucky to be a part of them, despite my lack of “magic underwear”-wearing. They’ve been wholly accepting and warm, and you’re right… no one rallies around those in need better than Mormons. It’s really inspiring. Good luck on your move!!

  • rebecca

    2013/03/06 at 6:27 pm

    ,,,i laughed my ass off after having read this post and then went back to the photo of your mother and now i know where you, leta and marlo get those gorgeous blue eyes. your mama is beautiful as you are and as your children will be. cheers to new digs and new beginnings!,,,

  • Dawn

    2013/03/06 at 7:58 pm

    Your mother is stunning.

  • Bluemarker

    2013/03/07 at 5:58 am

    those gloves… wait, does your mom watch Dexter?

  • Thrift Store Mama

    2013/03/07 at 3:18 pm

    For all the years that I’ve been reading you, there’s never been any doubt how much you appreciate and love your family. When you make fun, it is hysterical, no doubt, but the love and admiration shines through for sure.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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