An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Bosom buddies

When Coco was a puppy I used to cradle her just like this for hours at night while watching TV. It’s a technique I learned from Chuck’s trainer, one that teaches a dog submission because they actively try and fail to get out of this position. Consequently, whenever I try to cradle her now, she acts like, “OH NO YOU’RE DOING THAT THING AGAIN.” It’s really awkward and both of us just kind of what to gorget about it. Like, ew.

But then Dane comes along, and she’s like, “Cradle me, cradle me, cradle me, cradle me, cradle me, cradle me.” Until he gives in. It’s ridiculous how much she loves him. I’m not jealous. But he shouldn’t be surprised if he wakes up one day and Coco’s sitting in his room and he can’t find me ever again.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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