the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Celebrities, they’re just like us

That look on Marlo’s face. It really does makes it feel like I’m hiding in the bushes and she suddenly noticed me. She needs to take the Jennifer Garner class of How To Deal With Paparazzi: wear a pair of sunglasses, hold your child on your hip like you normally would, and have a smirk on your face that says, “Yep. I take my kids to school LIKE HUMANS DO. But you wouldn’t understand that because you’re not human.”

There’s a small concrete courtyard in the backyard where the kids can ride around on scooters or play tag or smoke weed whatever it is that kids these days do. Sure, it’ll have to be swept from time to time, but that’s a lot less yard to mow, too.

And yeah, Dane’s barefoot. That’s an entirely other post.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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