An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Ideas for Mother’s Day

An ideal Mother’s Day for me would involve a long nap and then sitting on the couch between both girls with a huge bowl of popcorn while watching The Wizard of Oz. That’s not happening this year because a few weeks ago it was on TV and it turns out that three-year-olds are somewhat frightened of the wicked witch and her flying monkeys and I swear I managed to turn it off right before they swooped down and KIDNAPPED TOTO OH MY GOD she would have been scarred for life.

Maybe we’ll try next year.

If you can’t get the mom in your life breakfast in bed or a day to herself or a gift certificate for a very, very long massage, here are some ideas I came up with. The books are suggestions from my friend Kate who has never made a bad recommendation and is the most voracious reader I know other than Leta. I will be buying all three books myself because she spoke of them so highly, and then I will loan them to Leta who will finish them in an afternoon and be all, “Eh.”

1. Archipelago Botanicals Bamboo Teak Soy Wax Candle $24

2. Engraved Garden Markers $30

3. Teal Double Triangle Drops $24

4. Origins Ginger Souffle Whipped Body Cream $29.50

5. Fleece Sherpa-lined Robe $49.95

6. Clarisonic PRO Sonic Skin Cleansing for Face and Body $176.92

7. Kate Spade New York Gold-Tone Hinge Spade Bangle Bracelet $60.99

8. Fred M Cup Measuring Matroyshkas, Set of 6 Dry Measuring Cups $9.33

9. Skip Hop Jonathan Adler Pronto Changing Station $26.24

10. Silk Roll-Sleeve Top $98

11. Empire State Weekender Bag $245

12. The Orchardist: A Novel $10.96

Dear Life: Stories $14.98

The Double Game $13.98

13. Limited Edition Pantone Face Brush Set $68

14. Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramels $20

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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