the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Father’s Day 2017

The girls and I are headed to Austin today for our summer trip together—OH MY GOD. AUSTIN. I just this second realized the significance of this. KAREN! The universe is sending crazy signals that are hard to ignore. Hard. To ignore. So very hard.

We will now redirect this post about fathers toward something much more wholesome: poop. I was going to include a link to a mug that says “COFFEE MAKES ME POOP” but then I remembered that I’ve known some men (that soap star I dated in Los Angeles, my father, etc.) who do not want that sort of thing discussed in casual conversation. Because it’s crass and inappropriate and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I kind of want to send those types of people a coffee mug that says, “Remember that time I stuffed a fork into your eye, yanked it out, and ate it like a meatball? Good times. Then I had a cup of coffee.”

All of this is pretty frivolous, but I can’t really give a gift to my stepfather that says, “Thank you for saving my life,” other than to write a book about it. So that’s what I’m doing this summer. Maybe it will be ready to give him as a gift next Father’s Day. In the meantime here are some ideas for the father figure in your life. I personally have a subscription to RawSpiceBar, by the way #NotAnAd #NotSponsored, and each time I get the monthly favor kit I’m like THIS IS AMAZING and then remember BUT I DON’T COOK, IDIOT.

Essential Garden Tools Gift Set
DC Comics’ Wonder Woman Be The Character Apron
Master & Dynamic MH40 Over Ear Headphone – Brown

Tivoli Audio M1BTSLC Model One BT Bluetooth AM/FM Radio (Cherry/Silver)
Stanley Adventure Stainless Steel Flask
Kempf Go Away Doormat

Subscription to RawSpiceBar
LED Word Clock
The Keyboard Waffle Iron

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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