Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Mother, I did not go where you told me not to go, sort of

I am getting on a plane to Paris tomorrow and holy shit, I am not even going to pretend like I have any fucking clue what I am doing. I have been traveling 25 of the last 35 days, once even to Texas OF ALL PLACES. Someone jokingly texted me the word “taxes” yesterday to feign seriousness and I read it as Texas. A record scratch tore through the levity of our conversation and I was all, “Thanks for bringing the Second Amendment to our party.”

I am only teasing, Texas. We loved you. Well, the Austin part of you. And we plan to go back next year once Leta gets her concealed carry permit.

While trying to make sure that I could concentrate on the project that I want to complete while I’m in France I said yes to more than my schedule could handle, including an engagement photoshoot with my Mormon niece and her Mormon fiancé who are getting married in August. First, let’s be clear: I am so glad I could help out. She is going about this whole wedding bullshit with absolute brilliance, having friends pitch in where they can so that she can save as much money as possible. Excellent work, Meredith. Because you do not want to be looking at a monthly credit card bill while thinking about how much you would like to bop Grandpa Mike on the head because he didn’t eat a single bite of the elaborate fish dinner you had catered for 200 ungrateful people who did nothing the whole time but make jokes about your upcoming sex life. OH WAIT DID I DO THAT:

Read the caption. Because all of Meredith’s Mormon coworkers did. Oops?

SECOND: My mother made me promise that I would not make fun of these guys and the impending post-nuptial passion made totally awkward by, “WHAT IS THAT? And wait, where do I put it? There? THERE? NOT THERE.” Except that I am not making fun of them, Mom. That was me. What I am about to write has everything to do with my experience. I was 23 years old when I had sex for the first time, and his was the second penis I ever saw. I know I have written about this before, but here we go again. I dip, you dip, we dip.

Buckle in, Mom.

The first penis I saw up close and personal-like was very small. Tiny. Itty. Worm-like. This doesn’t say anything about him, except. Yeah. It does. That man was a totally condescending asshole to me. So it does. It says everything you need to know about him. It says, you know what? You took advantage of me and violated me in the most horrific and humiliating way on the floor of an apartment in Chicago. None of his friends know that, but I guess they do now. And I never told anyone about it because why would I say anything when he had convinced me that I was wanting that all along. Except, no. Wrong. What I wanted all along was to be loved. Almost 20 years to the day later I am opening up about it for the first time in a single paragraph on a blog post, and even now it’s uncomfortable to talk about it because I still wanted to be with him after he did that to me.

Also, you broke up with me, asshole. So when you’re married for less than six months and email me asking me to send you nude pictures of myself? Guess what, asshole. You’re still an asshole.

Welcome to the new, unleashed dooce dot com.

I had sex with the second penis, and it was nothing like the first one. It was… hm… let’s see… I took one look at it and screamed, “ARE YOU INFECTED?!” Because it must have been stung by a million bees to be so big and swollen and casting a giant shadow over the lower half of Utah. That was a super romantic moment. It actually was! Because he knew to take it as a compliment. We had that rapport together. Until he refused to get a job and I started paying his student loan debt to the tune of thousands and thousands of dollars. My god, details!

POINT BEING: All the lights were turned on when I had sex for the first time, and I was reading from a manual. From an actual book with pages I could turn and diagrams I could inspect from various angles. It was totally scientific and methodical and research-based, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. All inexperienced Mormon women should approach their first time this way. I highly recommend it. FIVE STARS. My yelp review says, “Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try.”

Because we needed to get it—the nonsense of the first time—out of the way to get to the good stuff. Except, we never really got to the good stuff, not even once. But this post is not going to be a history of my sex life, no. Wait for the book wherein I reveal that I masturbated for the first time in my life at age 36. Guess what? TURNS OUT IT WORKS. Who knew? Who fucking knew? I remember texting my friend immediately afterward and saying, “If this is a sin, why did god invent electric toothbrushes?”

Stacia, pick your jaw up off the floor. I did just go there.

LOOK. CHERUBIC MORMONS ON THE VERGE OF GETTING MARRIED:

Anyway.

I took on too much in the 10 days that I was home in June of 2017, and I missed a major deadline. A big one. This is not how I operate or conduct business so I have been walking around for the last few days a little hollow in my gut with the failure of it. But the client was so understanding and gracious that I have been given a second chance. Which means that instead of getting done what I need to get done I am busy writing a post about ENCOURAGING YOUNG WOMEN TO EXPLORE THEMSELVES WITH BATTERY-POWERED DEVICES. All caps. Yelling and screaming. Maybe a little bit of tasteful porn thrown in. Girl on girl porn. I am giving the whole book away! Jesus Christ!

If you can’t already tell, the sex education my girls will and are receiving is far, far different from the one I got. Which was none at all.

Ahem.

As you were.

I have some blurbs to write and clothes to pack and, shit! I was going to brush up on my French before I left, and maybe I just did!

See you in Paris! I promise to get a baguette and immediately make inappropriate sexual gestures with it!

  • Aidan Morgan

    “What’s this?” I said. “A blog post from Heather? I haven’t read anything from Heather inOMYGOD

  • Laura B

    Love it. Living without apology is fucking glorious. GLORIOUS. And we don’t owe the people who hurt us any protection. I am incredibly happy for you. Go enjoy the hell out of Paris and do anything you want with that baguette.

  • Hahahaha! Are you okay?

  • Alexandra

    This. Is. Everything.

  • Sonny

    While I hesitate to leave this comment on a post about sexual awakening, I just have to share! About a week ago, I had a very vivid dream that included your daughter Marlo in it. I found her on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere completely lost. Of course, when I asked her what she was doing out in the middle of nowhere, I got a shrug and an “it’s fine” from her. After I picked her up (literally in my arms), I walked her around and we found ourselves in a national park with a lake, mountain and tons of ducks. As I pointed all of these things out to her she seemed completely disinterested until we got to the ducks. THEN she perked right up and screamed “my mom LOVES ducks!” Now, I won’t even pretend to know what that whole dream meant, but it was one of the best dreams I can remember. What a fun day we had! 🙂

  • LashleyR

    PREACH. The history book, the sex manual with the diagrams, and the progressive sex ed philosophical text are all wide open!

    “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” -Anne Lamott

  • Raquel

    You HAVE to tell us if/when you hear from the jerk in Chicago. Tell it as it is. Pricks should never be protected.

  • Jennet Sullivan

    Thank you for that quote.

  • Katie H.

    Love the inappropriateness! It makes things more palatable… wait… did I just go there? Yes I did. 🙂

  • trish

    “ARE YOU INFECTED?” is basically what I said to my husband the first time he wanted to have sex after I’d given birth to our first child. That thing never looked so big and daunting.

  • Leigh

    Fun Texas fact: my parents recently moved to Texas and my dad almost immediately went to get a fishing license, whereupon he discovered that he has to have been a Texas resident for no less than six months before he can get said fishing license.

    Want to buy a gun in Texas? Sure, no problem, you can have one today! But there’s a SIX-MONTH WAITING PERIOD for FISH.

  • Samantha Schurter

    Thank you for sharing such a difficult story. I wish it weren’t difficult for you. It should be difficult for the jerk with the tiny dick.

  • It just came out of my hands as I was writing this. It’s always been there, but now, there it is. Thank you. I’m okay now.

  • WHAT ON EARTH. Seriously? That is a classic example of why *sensible gun reform* is not a bad thing!

  • Hahaha! I laughed so hard at this. Sex after a baby is no joke! You may not have been reading me back then, but it took seven months after Leta was born before *anything* happened. It was just as traumatic as the birth!

  • LilRedRidingHoodlum

    SO MUCH YES.

  • Angela

    LOVE this quote!!

  • Jawnbc

    Croissant rather than a baguette. And un double express rather than a café au lait.

    Epic posting!

  • Pia

    HOLY SHIT YES.

  • Suzy Soro

    I brought a one-night stand home to my place in NY. (you never know it’s going to be a one night stand until uh, 2 weeks later) I woke up in the morning and reached for his hand and thought, shit, that is one tiny index finger. Only it wasn’t his finger at all.

  • Pia

    Going through what truly feels like some sort of weird mid-life crisis (though I’m only 33? So hopefully I’m not halfway to death yet but who the hell ever knows) and what has been buoying me up through it is REAL FUCKING WOMEN, the ones who are unapologetically vulnerable and inappropriate and funny and honest. Thank you so much for being one of them. I loved the old dooce dot com, but I really really really fucking love the new one. <3

  • LR

    I am leaving for Paris tomorrow as well! And just as behind in packing and preparing…I’m just looking at it as being spontaneous. 🙂 Hope you have a wonderful time Heather!

  • I had a roommate throw away an Adam & Eve catalog that came to our apartment. It was too scandalous. I love that some of us are talking about sex and pleasure, which still makes me feel awkward, but like, we should know how to rev our engines. Love this post. Thank you!

  • KristenfromMA

    Go to Sainte-Chapelle!

  • RzDrms

    oui oui

  • Kim

    That is not true. You need a sixth month period to get a residents fishing license. He easily could have gotten a non resident license.

  • Leigh

    …I think you might have missed the point.

  • Yue Julia Tresca

    You magnificent human being! You make my day. Every. Damned. Time.

  • Aidan Morgan

    I went and accepted Satan into my heart and I feel much better now.

  • eva

    thank you! I have missed this type of heather armstrong writing. Just spit wine all over myself laughing.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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