An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Happy 10th, Coco, you old lady!

On January 2, 2008, I made the most horrible decision of my life when I brought home a miniature Australian Shepherd to live with my family. Most of you know immediately that you should not take that statement seriously. But those of you who witness my day-to-day are nodding furiously and trying really hard to remember a single day of my life when this dog didn’t have me on the verge of a heart attack.

(EVERYONE READING THIS, RESIST THE URGE TO JUMP TO THE VIDEO BELOW EVEN THOUGH I AM ALREADY BRINGING YOUR ATTENTION TO THE EXISTENCE OF THE VIDEO BELOW. WAIT FOR IT.)

A few days before at the very end of 2007 I got to meet Dame Eleanor Ritzford-Fitzsimons Puffs at a park where she was playing in the snow with three of the other five puppies in her litter, the only litter her parents would ever have. And of the three there that day I, of course, pointed to the craziest one and said, “Let’s let her ruin my life!” The other two turned out to be incredibly chill animals. I chose the one who despite thousands of dollars worth of training still likes to dart through my legs out the front door to scream at innocent people in running shoes.

AN ASIDE, NOT A TANGENT. I REPEAT, NOT A TANGENT: The first time Coco’s trainer came over for a training session it took her less than 20 minutes to realize just what was wrong with this dog after Coco had performed a simple task for her and then immediately refused to perform a simple task for me. She belly laughed and said, “Oh, so this is what’s goin’ on. We’ve got ourselves a bitch fight.”

Where the word “fight” sounded more like “faught.”

“A what?” I said trying to understand.

“She knows she’s in control, and she’s not about to give that up to you.” And here the “you” meant “another woman”. I heeded every piece of advice that trainer ever gave to me, and to this day I am the only person who can walk into my house without causing Coco’s brain to explode all over the wall. Wait for the video.

WAIT FOR IT.

Coco turned ten years old this past Sunday, October 22, 2017. She was born a week after I suffered a devastating miscarriage, and I know with absolute certainty that my decision to adopt her stemmed from my longing to fill that void. I had no idea what chaos awaited me—for starters, it took over four months to housebreak that dog, and not because she’s an idiot. Her herding and guarding instincts were so intense even at that age that she would be so concentrated on making sure the house wasn’t under attack that she’d forget to head to the door when the urge hit her. Like, guess what, guys? Good news. I can account for the safety of every person under my care. However, I just pooped my pants.

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Her arrival taught me what it was like to live with an actual dog and made me realize that with Chuck we’d been living with a cat. Chuck was temperamental and could hold a grudge better than any celebrity housewife, whereas Coco vacillates between the following two moods:

Mood A. Do You Hear Me Barking My Head Off And Sending A Jolt Of Electricity Down Heather’s Spine? Good. I Mean Business And I Will Murder You If You Come Within An Inch Of My People.

Mood B. Here, Let Me Roll Over And Show You My Belly And Lick Your Hand Because I Love You More Than Anyone Else In The World And Would Take A Bullet For You.

That’s it. Just those two. “Grudge” does not exist in Coco’s vocabulary. Marlo’s birth irritated the crap out of Chuck. Like, really? You voluntarily produced another breathing animal with whom I have to share air? Whereas Marlo’s birth filled Coco with pride. Like, they love me so much that they gave me another sheep!

I haven’t ever celebrated her birthday, and a few months ago when I realized, whooooaaaaa. Coco is turning 10 years old this year—yes, for those of you who remember when I brought her home, you’re getting old!—I decided I should do something. So I called up my friends at CANIDAE® and asked if they’d like to partner with me and offer some coupons and help host a giveaway. They said yes before I’d even finished my sentence. Coco’s been eating CANIDAE® since the day I brought her home, and I love that they are so willing to be a part of this. Coco is still eating CANIDAE® Under The Sun® Grain Free dog food that I introduced to her back in May. Each CANIDAE® Under The Sun® Grain Free recipe is made with a variety of farm-fresh ingredients and an assortment of fruits and vegetables, and none contain corn, wheat, or soy. So, they go over really well in Brooklyn.

Coincidentally, they recently started growing their own fresh ingredients and established CANIDAE® Farms in Kansas with the help of an independent family farmer named Clint Brauer. Clint shares their commitment to high quality ingredients and sustainable practices:

No-till farming, maintaining sheep on site to provide natural fertilizer, forward-thinking technology to control weeds and pests, and time-tested methods to build soil quality—are just part of our shared vision with Clint. We want to partner with nature rather than work against it.

You can learn more about CANIDAE® Farms here.

CANIDAE® would like to give away three gift bags full of CANIDAE® swag including treats, a t-shirt, coffee mug, water bottle, and a small bag of food. To enter all you need to do is leave a comment on this post, and I will randomly choose three winners when I close the comments on Thursday night at 9PM MST. I’ll email the winners and then update the post on Friday.

CANIDAE® is also offering you guys $10 in coupons.

Before leaving a comment, though—and if you do, I’d love to hear a crazy story about your own pet— maybe take a moment to remember some of the beautiful chaos Dame Eleanor has brought to this world, to my family and to you through my words. Like, the time Coco saved Chuck from the consequences of his constant pacing, the time I let her chase actual sheep and at one point joined her, her sad attempt at stealing Chuck’s bone, the time she finally learned to avoid rattlesnakes, the time she went missing and I realized, oh no, I really love this dog, and that time she got a foxtail in her ear and I sent the text message, “Also, Coco is a bigot.”

Also, I have put together a slideshow of some of my favorite photos from her life going back to that day in January of 2008 when I brought her home and blew up my life in the best possible way. Happy birthday, Coco, you wonderfully harebrained canine.

Break out the tissues for this one, folks. I’m glad she chose me.

Many thanks to Vince Chao, aka Chairman Chao, for the soundtrack, “Hurry Do It”. AIDITAY. IWAFLY.

And thank you, CANIDAE®, for making the best food I could possibly give that dog.

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  • Christine Labourdette Manalla

    I love that every photo appears to be taken the split second before she totally loses her shit and goes bonkers. HBD, Coco.
    While my little asshole is mostly good, he likes to put us in our place by TAKING A SHIT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE. I can’t even.

  • JenniferA

    Happy birthday, Coco, you little nut-butt!

    My nut-butt Ozzie is generally a very good boy, and will turn 10 in March. However, he has become neurotic about his water bowl and wants one of us to hold his ears back when he drinks. He’s like that drunk girl from college puking who needs her hair held back.

  • Jennifer Casey Merrick

    Happy birthday Coco! My little Finn eats Canidae too based on your suggestion! Love doggies!

  • KristenfromMA

    Happy Birthday Coco!

    Ten years! It goes by so fast. She is such a pretty dog, Heather.

    (My greyhounds eat Canidae Lamb & Rice.)

  • Brooke

    Awe I just love this! Our dog is turning 10 next month, too!!
    Happy birthday Coco!

  • Jodi Holland Ogren

    Happy Birthday Coco! Thank you Dooce for sharing that wonderful video!!

  • meghan

    Happy birthday, Coco!
    I once “lost” my German Shepard-Australian Cattle Dog mix. I knew she had to be in the house, but couldn’t find her and she wasn’t responding to calls. After scouring each level of the three-story house at least twice, I eventually found her in the bathtub, behind the shower curtain.

  • theheathers

    My senior lady dog looks like Chuck and Coco had a baby. I switched her to Canidae a few years ago and noticed a huge change in her aging. People are shocked when I tell them she’ll be 15 in the spring because she she prances around like a much younger dog.

  • jacutrone

    Happy Birthday Coco! The funniest thing my pup does (he turned 10 this year too, twinsies) is be frightened by his own farts; he jumps up and runs away from them, sometimes hiding behind my legs. Sometimes I whisper, a la The Oatmeal, “it’s just the friendliest of toots” in his ear but he’s not too comforted by it.

  • Colleen Test

    I find it really funny that my herding dog isn’t even the same type of herding dog and yet has the same damn body language as Coco. I can’t leave the room without him, ever, he is glued to my side like velcro, which does not rule out his probably being a cat himself, as my cats also have to be in whatever room I happen to be in as well. His name is Goose, he is an australian cattle dog and sneaky neighbor dog mix, and he will turn 3 on January 4th. He also eats Canidae Under the Sun (but will let it sit until he’s starving to death or you mix it with wet food, whichever comes first).

  • Kristy Bell

    Happy birthday, Coco!

    My Coco’s name is Kara. She’ll be 7 in January and sounds a lot like Coco. She was 7 months old before she was housebroken; because “I do what I want, when I want, Thank you, very much”. She would routinely go to the front door, wait until I was watching and then pee. #QueenBee

  • Jenna Lander

    Happy Birthday Coco!!! My dog has the worst farts in the history of dog farts. we call them Skunk Farts! she clears more than a room, she makes us all want to leave the HOUSE! it’s awful. But we love her anyway!!!

  • Karen Au

    The pics with Chuck bring a smile and a tear. Hauoli la hanau, Coco. Happy birthday from Hawaii.

  • Donna

    My two dogs also eat Canidae thanks to your posts when Chuck was still here. Our 3 year old, Charlie is a gentle giant and we, of course, rescued another dog to keep him company and this one sounds like Coco! Hyper is a minor word for Beau (part retriever, part pitty) who’s tail could cause us to replace sheetrock. Beau’s introduction to Canidae was to decide to jump “under” the bowl when I went to put it down. Needless to say, he and Charlie cleaned up their mess. Happy Birthday to Coco.

  • Laura B

    Happy birthday, Coco! Here’s to many more. My old girl, Violet, is 16 and going strong.

  • Crissy Baker Hunter

    Our “free” Bull Terrier was the runt of the litter and sick when we got him. He had a life saving surgery, at 6 weeks, that cost us our wedding savings. While he recovered, I had to hold him over my shoulder like a baby after meals to help the food go down. He couldn’t eat any sort of pork, he would throw up. He obsessively licked his feet and our couch. He was only expected to live 5-6 years. We sadly put him down last year, he was 13.
    Our German Short Haired Pointer just turned 13 and likes to eat all USED tissues he can get his mouth on. He will shred them, swallow them, and hide them. He also can’t relax if anyone from our family is unaccounted for.

  • Anne Cook

    Happy birthday, Coco!
    My previous dog was more of an English major, and the current one is a frat boy, so I totally understand. But love is love

  • Liz Ricks Cellan

    Happy birthday Coco! Both of our dogs are assholes, but we love them as much as you love Coco. Milly and Roxy are the 3rd and 4th children of the house and sometimes are better than the real children.

  • Anita Blanchard

    We use Canidae now just because you recommended it. Our ol’ grandpa dog is 15 years old and tends to not know when he has pooped. Makes for a lot of fun getting up in the dark to go to the bathroom.

  • Kristin Anderson Lindsay

    I have two Havanese. One is a perfect, sweet, quiet dog. The other (Mitzy) is completely insane. One afternoon I’d brought my husband and son to the airport. Both dogs were in the house when I left. I arrived home to find Mitzy standing in the middle of the driveway, wagging her tail at me. I slammed the car into park immediately, grabbed her, brought her back inside, checked that none of the doors were open, then went back outside to move my car out of the street. When I pulled in to the driveway and parked, I looked up to see her standing on the garage roof. She’d jumped on my son’s bed (his room is over the garage), onto a hardwood stool with a fan in front of a window that was barely open 3 inches, squeezed past the fan, through the window and onto the garage roof. I walked up to the front door and she kindly walked across the roof, jumped onto the bench on the front porch and down to by my feet.

  • Amber Earley

    Oh man, my little assholes are mostly great, but last year the youngest (who is now 2), ate the Christmas presents. Not just some of them. All of them.

  • Peggy Olsen Henson

    We have a yorkie that has been on Canadie for a couple of years now. Squirt is 5 years old and is small enough that everyone thinks she is a puppy! Oh, Chuck! I miss you!

  • dailysnark

    Happy birthday, Coco! I can’t believe you are 10. I had a Samoyed who was about the same age, and when she was about 5 or 6 months old, on New Year’s Day, I saw her struggling to poop in the back yard. I went outside to make sure she was okay, and realized she was straining to poop out a rope toy. That she swallowed whole. The toy was about three quarters of the way out and kind of stuck. In hindsight, I should have taken her to the vet immediately but, instead, I found myself standing outside behind her, gently tugging this poopy rope toy out of her butt. It finally came out, she looked a little startled, shook herself off, grabbed the toy out of my hand and ran off into the yard. That would not be the first or last time she pooped something inappropriate out.

  • Margaux

    Happy Birthday to Coco! I just adopted my rescue puppy, Pinky, this past Friday! She’s only 4 months old and I’ve only had her for 4 days now, but I can already tell she’s a nut. On Sunday my dad was watering the flowers and she was chasing the stream of water making it pretty difficult for him to safely water his plants….. she’s also destroyed a few of my socks and has chewed through her leash…so we’ll see how this goes!

  • sarah

    Happy birthday to Coco!

    Our girl Lucy turned 10 in August and she’s been on Canidae for a little while now. I’d say I noticed a change in her energy, but she’s always been insane. I had her out for a potty break on her leash (no fence) and she lunged at a couple walking by to say hi. They were sweet about it and gave her love, and when the guy asked how old she was and I said “10” he responded “Nuh uh. No way. I just knew when I asked you were gonna say 2 or 3. She still acts like a puppy!” YEP.

    We chose her from her litter because she was the calmest. I had no idea that was only because she was still loopy from being spayed. A day or so later she turned into a demon-dog and I had no clue what the eff to do. We took her to puppy class and had to leave early, me in tears. We finally hired a professional to come to our house to teach us how to train her properly. Thank goodness we didn’t have kids yet…there were hours spent every evening putting that dog through bootcamp and trying to break even just SOME of her dominance. But holy hell, I could not love an animal more.

  • Cathy Luce

    Happy Birthday Coco! My Emmitt also turned 10 this Fall. We estimate his birthday to be September 1 since we got him from a local humane society. I love it when I wake up in the middle of the night and my dog is snuggling between my husband and I with his head on his own pillow.

  • Danielle de los Cobos

    Happy Birthday, Coco! I have a crazy dog, too, but this comment isn’t about her… this is about the fact that I may have possibly shed a small tear at the few pictures of your wee little snaggletoothed Bobo, Heather. I forgot how tiny and precious she was.

  • Jen

    I adopted my somewhat feral rescue cat Vinny in 2010. He was absolutely insane, but I’d never had a cat before so I thought that biting, knocking over the trash, and constant bouncing off the walls was normal cat behavior. My favorite memory of that time was when he ran through the living room, nabbed a McDonald’s cheeseburger that had been sitting on the coffee table, and ran out with it. We are good buddies now and he is much calmer, although I still call him the Hamburgler from time to time.

    Happy birthday Coco!

  • Annette Larson Hartman

    Happy birthday, Coco! You are certainly one of a kind — and for that, I’m sure, Heather is very happy. Enjoy your days — without too much chaos.

  • alex1s

    Happy Birthday, Coco!
    My rescue dog, Sunny Pine (because we found her on Pine St.), turned 10 this May. She used to escape through the jalousie windows to get outside and find us when we were gone. Recently she had to have some teeth extracted, and the vet tech asked if she likes to chew rocks. Close; just metal windows. But she is my best friend and I love her to pieces despite her past destructive behaviors.

  • Savannah Stewart

    Happy 10th birthday, Coco! We made the switch to Canidae because of your recommendation. It has truly made a difference for our Maddie dog also affectionately known as Per Sister by our 5 year old. If you ask my husband, she is a whore…she just needs a warm body to snuggle up to and a hand with opposable thumbs to get her the treat jar! She was super affectionate when we brought our son home. She would come running when he cried, but she let us know straight away that this baby thing was not cool….she went down to the basement, stared right in our eyes and peed. And then walked off. Got of love her!

  • Buster Brown

    Happy birthday, Coco!! Here’s to many more!

    Our pooch, Havana, is almost 3. She was my mom’s dog, and we got her when my mom passed away unexpectedly. Havana was only 6 dos old! It’s been quite the journey. Her most annoying habit is being neurotic in general, and she will chase sunlight and reflections. If you don’t watch her, she’ll bite and gnaw on wherever the sunlight shines – you should see the outside of our house *eye roll* But she is a snuggler, a licker and our lover. xoxo

  • Ann Menk

    I have a Great Pyrenees Mountain dog also named Coco – I felt that as she was from the French Alps, she needed a French name. Her breed was developed to guard flocks of sheep – not herd them. She is very low metabolism, meaning she is content to lay around, sniffing the air and watching closely over her flock (meaning me). Unfortunately, she finds danger in every. little. thing and feels the need to warn me. Whether it’s a squirrel in the yard, a plastic bag blowing down the street, or – God forbid – actual people walking on the sidewalk in front of my house – Right there! Right there! Come and see! Right there! Oh dear God, the barking… Because her hearing and eyesight are in the bionic range, she rarely shuts up. But – just like your crazy Coco, I love her to death!

  • Megan Powers

    Happy birthday Coco!! I do indeed remember her puppyhood and I am indeed getting old. I have my own Chuck and Coco, my boy Zeppelin is 12 and my best buddy. Then, came Nova, my 3 year old super mutt who rolls around in the dirt, eats disgusting things off the ground, drinks dirty rainwater outside, refuses to come inside, barks at everything and generally is a royal pain in the ass. In fact, both dogs were present for the viewing of the Coco video and she is the one who lost her mind barking and growling at it. But she’s mine. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  • Miss lee

    cHappy Birthday, Coco!

    I have three dogs just now and had many other cats and dogs in my life. My second was a German Shepard/Doberman mix. We lived in a very, very small town. Only one traffic light and it was a caution light on Main Street. The corner of our street was one house down and a four way.

    My dog was lying smack in the center and cars would just drive around her, until these teen-aged boys drove up (in their hopped up 60’s model something) and yelled for her to get out of the road. My dog, seriously, lifted her head to look at them AND NODDED, like, “I’m cool here,” and laid her head back down on the asphalt.

    I can still replay this in my head all these years later. She was the coolest of all my dogs.

  • Jane C.

    Happy Birthday Coco. As for chaos, in 2012 my then-seven-year-old Coonhound/Doberman took off on me after a deer and was missing for five hours on a cold, rainy November afternoon. I had friends driving around looking for her. I was in bad shape until someone called me to say they’d found her, down on the local walking trail, in the pouring rain. She had run her feet raw, and couldn’t open her mouth because she’d either been kicked or had run into something. That night she had more-revolting-than-usual diarrhea all over the bathroom and the carpet. I had to give her oral antibiotics and anti-inflammatories for two weeks, with a syringe, and put ointment on her paws and cover them with two pairs of my socks. The vet bill……..well, never mind. She couldn’t look at me for several days – knew she was in deep doodoo. She’s 12 now and behaves somewhat more calmly when she sees a deer.

  • Sarah Brownlowe

    Hello, I am Sarah. I am the proud fur mom of two brother cats Gobo Fraggle and Dog(pronounced dee-oh-gee) Lucifer. They have been two peas in a pod since we found them under a shed. Their siblings disappeared as there were 5, but that’s for another comment. They both have strong personalities; Gobo has anxiety(like I do) and taps on boxes and bags and will BOOP your nose with his nose or his paw pad. Dog will play fetch with his plastic spring and suckles on a Cabellas blanket(my fiancé has mom issues). My in laws have their mother whose a little barrel with legs named Puss Puss. Gobo is my cat and Dog is my fiancé’s or so the vet tells us. They love watching the leaves fall and scoop their wet food with their paws. They love to fit into spaces they used to be able to when they were kitten and instead of alerting us that they are stuck they will just sit there until we find them. I know the prize is for Canidae and if I win I will donate the food to my local shelter since my boys have special food for their fuzzy belly issues.

    I would post a photo, but they are currently in their BUTTS. I KNOW YOU LOVE THAT WORD!

  • Sarah Cowell

    Happiest of birthdays to Dame Puffs. I like to refer to my dog Max as 90 pounds of love. He’s not crazy, but we are. He does anything we ask him to do because he loves and trusts us. He rides on the Vespa scooter, sits on a barstool at out local pub and river rafts & paddle boards despite his dislike of water. Dogs, man, they are the best!

  • Matti Hannak

    About two months ago, I got a crazy little fuzzball of my own – Stanley, the insanely hyper, insanely adorable border collie. He also eats CANIDAE Under The Sun, and he LOVES it. I can’t say enough good things about their food, and I know he’d love it if I rocked some CANIDAE swag. 🙂

  • Karla

    Happy Birthday Coco! I switched over to Canidae, on your recommendation, years ago. My two year old mastiff, Marley, still has puppy soft fur – which I totally attribute to Canidae. I tell everyone who asks how she’s so soft to switch to it. At the time we had another adult mastiff and it changed his coat as well. It was amazing. I’m so glad you shared so many years ago about this great product! Marley is a runner on the rare occasion she gets out of our yard, but we’ve found if you simply start the 4 wheeler, she comes racing right back to it barking and ready to attack it.

  • Kristi Talley

    Happy birthday, Coco! (Wow, I’m old- I remember when you got her!)

    I have my own Coco, but he’s a beagle and his name is Charlie. (Beagle side note- I watched the remembrance video of Bo at work and cried like a crazy person.)

    Charlie is the cutest, sweetest little beagle, but I’m not sure he could climb out of a bucket if you gave him a ladder. And instructions. I didn’t immediately connect with him like I did my other perfect Chuck-dog Jack. Then one day he got sick, and between my worry and his giant sad beagle eyes combined with the fact that he wasn’t bouncing off all 4 walls at once, well, I was hooked. 🙂

    PS- he’s perfectly healthy and back to bouncing off all 4 walls at once. And not climbing out of buckets.

  • bluesurly

    Happy 10th Birthday Coco! Right now we’ve got 7 dogs living with us – they range from a tiny JRT (Rita) up to a very large Great Dane (Ariel) and all sized in between (Peaches, Triskit, Kipp, Layla, Pumpkin) and all are rescues. Most days I find myself screaming to be heard over all of the noise, or because I’m tripping over one of them but the love and comfort they provide when I need it most is worth it all. You know what I mean <3

  • Susan

    I’ll look when I get home. I can’t cry at work again in case Chuck’s in the slideshow.

  • Richard Morey

    Aww.. Coco was so cute as a puppy! (Not that she’s not still cute.) Or Sammy turned 10 in February but we just celebrated having him for 10 years at the end of September.

  • elephantsoap

    I can’t watch this video. I’m at work! There’s no crying at work. We have a miniature schnauzer named after a famous bearded lady of the 1800s. Josephine. She keeps us entertained. One day Michael had swapped out feeders in the chicken coop and had just left the empty out there by the coop. Josephine had been out in the backyard for a long time by herself. I had just gotten up to go check on her when I heard the dog door flap open. Then she slowly and sadly walked into the living room with that empty chicken feeder stuck on her head. It popped right off easily, but she couldn’t get it off her head on her own. I still wonder how long she was out there trying to figure it out on her own. She had to make it through two dog doors to get inside to get help.

  • Michael Mathews

    Happy Birthday, Coco!
    Six years ago this summer, we adopted a kitten from a shelter. Her name was Amy and she’d obviously had some trauma because any little sound made her so jumpy. It took months to get her integrated with the other cats. She’d probably still prefer to be an only cat–she’s got an alpha personality but she’s a small cat. Little by little she’s taken charge of the house. She won’t really let you love her much unless she feels completely safe. Nothing makes me happier than when I sit on the stairs near her and she jumps on my lap and nestles her head against my arm. That’s when I know she is truly at peace for a little while.

  • Charly

    Happy birthday, Coco! My poopie was part of a litter that was born in a kitchen while the humans were away at work. When the humans came home, YAY NEW PUPPIES! It wasn’t until later on that night that they realized there was a slimy trail leading to the back of the refrigerator. They thought they heard a whimper – they pulled back the fridge, and lo and behold – there’s my poopie! All by its lonesome! Of course, the humans never told me this story until a year plus later when I asked if they would have any idea why this dog has the craziest separation anxiety. He, too, will be ten later this year. And despite the separation anxiety, he’s the best thing that has happened to me in my life!

  • Heather

    Happy Birthday, Coco! You have such a great little snout I want to snuggle it. Our pup Rosie has been eating Canidae for a little over a year (thanks to you, Heather), and it’s been awesome for her. Or at least I think it has. As a bulldog mix she’s not the most active dog ever, but she definitely seems happy and healthy. And she does an awesome job taking care of her 7mo old little sister by licking her feet constantly like a weirdo.

  • Emily

    We have two wonderful, crazy dogs. A sweet golden retriever and a new lab puppy. They love to wrestle and swim in the pool with the kids.

  • Chuck is very prominently in the video. 🙁 but also 🙂

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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