1. Eat more french fries.
2. Make a point of telling Aunt Lola at the dinner table that her shoulder pad has done come down over her titty, and not over her bosom, as the word “titty” is just so much more descriptive than the word “bosom.”
3. Ask Granny if she has gotten any lately.
4. Remain composed when The Roommate’s nine-year-old niece says, “I guess I should call you Aunt Heather because they say that’s what you’ll be soon anyway.”
5. Teach my three-year-old nephew the subtle differences between his two younger twin brothers so that he no longer refers to them as “that baby there” and “this one here.”
6. Forgive the Mormons and their tragic lack of pigmentation.
7. Resist the urge to eat a Whopper Jr.ï¿½ and two Krispy Kremeï¿½ doughnuts in one afternoon.
8. Refrain from guttural burping and silent farting in front of The Roommate’s mother.
9. Remain sober enough that I don’t tell the phone sex story to a group of strangers at a friend’s holiday cocktail party.
10. Get some weed.