• Lisa

    I am thinking of you and your family. Despite what you may think, you are strong and will come through with the love and support of your family and friends.

  • Kathryn

    Okay- total internet advice, so take it for what you will, but I do hope you are reading this far down into your comments.

    When I read your original post on the miscarriage, I winced because your situation pretty much went down the same as my own- complete with all of the horrible emotional afterquakes. And from what I read here today, it sounds like you too have had a hard time shaking this.

    About six months after my miscarriage, I developed horrible insomnia, physical aches and pains, and most weirdly, the inability to drive a car a like a normal person. I just felt shellshocked. I didnt link any of this to the miscarriage, because hey- that was months ago, and although I was still melancholy, I wasn’t sobbing into my pillow every night.

    Point of reference: this miscarriage also occurred 6 months after my mom’s death from colon cancer.

    Long story short: I “got me to a therapist”, and received some EMDR treatment to work on intensively reprocessing the miscarriage experience (which as we know IS a pretty traumatic EVENT). EMDR is a bit weird (you may want to read up on it), but I will say- it worked for me. My therapist said that many women who have a miscarriage suffer from mild PTSD, for which EMDR treatment is well-indicated. I am from a family background where psychotherapy is scoffed at, so embarking on this strange treatment was very scary for me. But Im glad I did. The EMDR allowed me to experience the event for what is was and move pass it. I also found it really helped me sort out the pain of the miscarriage from other emotional issues, including the devestation cancer has wreaked on my family.

    Wishing you wellness (and sleep) Heather!

  • http://makeup.hartandsole.net Cetta

    I’m sorry to hear about your step father. You are right in that you’re not so different from many, many of us who don’t really know what we believe.

    Keep your chin up :-)

  • Shelly

    I’m sorry that this is happening right now.. Hang in there it will get better..

  • Celeste

    Get thee to your trusted therapist.

    Sometimes, its like drinking water – by the time we are thirsty we are already dehydrated. Get some help before it gets worse, especially with such a full plate in front of you.

    As for the religion – even those of us who have a Church from which we take some comfort feel a sense of isolation at times. At the end of the day, its just each person alone in their head. Best make sure that person is someone you like…

    All the best – you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  • brilliantpants

    Hey. I love you.

  • http://buyclothes.com.au Susan

    thank you for being real. (and funny..)

  • JB

    Best wishes for your stepfather, and good thoughts are there for you while you’re dealing with all of this. I think it’s only natural for you to question your faith and beliefs when you have so much on your plate.

  • Athena

    I second Jill S.’s comment above about the tylenol and vodka. Just not together…that sounds like an accidental overdose waiting to happen! I am pretty much terrible at consoling people, but I felt the need to comment here and let you know two things:

    1. I don’t judge you for not knowing what you believe in.

    2. I’m sorry to hear about your stepfather. I hope his condition(s) improve, and I am wishing the best for your family.

  • http://www.winegiques.com Suenarita

    From a fellow agnostic?, atheist? (I can’t decide which – which prob makes me an agnostic).
    Your strength is from within, not without.

  • Neomi

    *one big-ass hug*

    With as many lives as you’ve touched, I figure who ever or whatever’s in charge really owes you one.

  • Nancy

    Go to the therapist, and get some help through this difficult time. That’s what they are there for. And I’m very sorry about your stepfather. He sounds like a very special man in your life, and the life of your family. Be grateful you have him in your family, as I’m sure he is grateful to have you in his (in spite of the bologna). Cancer CAN be cured… just hope for the best. Sometimes we have to trust that what should happen, will. We don’t have all the answers, and we rarely understand “why.” I’m not a terribly religious person, but at times like this I sometimes tell myself… “Let go, Let God.” It seems to help. Bless you.

  • http://rockincharity.blogspot.com Charity

    Heather, you are strong, you will come through this a better person. You may also discover what you believe it. I don’t care what religion you are we all have to come to terms with these tragedies sometime in our life and it forces us to face it head on an decide what we do believe in, if anything.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And tell your therapist HI for me, there is nothing like a good therapist.

    http://rockincharity.blogspot.com

  • http://www.mylilypads.com Lolo

    Heather:

    On both subjects …

    a) It is most difficult to get through unexplainable times with a lack of knowing what you believe. However, it doesn’t make it less sad, less traumatic or help your swollen eyes. It DOES rest your heart and mind when you can accept with true belief why these things happen. Something you just have to keep working at. And your background in religion at least gives you a leg up on a lot of other people.

    b) I have one magical little girl. through endless discussions, my husband and I sort of agreed (I’m still getting there) we were great with one. Again, I’m still getting there, but now I’m in my early ’40s and it just seems too late. As a traditional Catholic (Latin Mass and all!), I am clearly odd man out. ALL of my friends have no less than six kids and continue to announce their pregnancies monthly. And some of them are such disasters they shouldn’t have any kids. Every time I hear someone is pregnant, my heart sinks to the bottom of my soul for a couple of days. I get angry and sad. And I’ve thought of seeing a therapist about it. I’m hoping someday this feeling will stop slapping me in the face.

    So I hear ya.

    And about that Today show interview … I thought for a brief moment it was just me. Then I read your post. And I giggled aloud.

  • Joy

    I am so sorry about your Stepfather. I wish him a quick victory over the cancer, and strength for you and your family as you fight along with him.
    I can’t express the hugeness of my respect and admiration for you, your talent, and for sharing it with the world. Please seek support and strength in the best way that serves you. We all need that.

  • Dana

    You are a very special internet in my life – I appreciate you so much – I wait with bated breath for a post… Thanks for your amazing brain!

    Love,
    Dana

  • Carrie

    I was reading your post this morning and let me tell you there is a wonderful society out there that can give you support as well as offer help to your stepfather. You should find out were the nearest chapter is of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and see what they can offer you.

    I am currently in the process of Training for the Nike women’s Marathon with the help of the Team in Training which in return for professional training we agree to raise funds for the Society. The people of this Society are awesome and I am amazed everyday by the wonderful things that they do.

    You should really give them a look see.

    Hope things start to look up for you.

  • http://www.miscmum.com Karen (miscmum)

    What a ride you’ve been having lately. I just wanted to add my thoughts and best wishes xx

  • http://cindibee.blogspot.com Cindi

    Oh sweetie! I am giving you the biggest hug right now. I hope everything turns out all right… Please know my thoughts are with you. This comment sounds terribly generic, but I really hope the best for you and your family.

  • Adrien

    You will always remember the date with a little sadness – I think that is totally normal. I see 5 years olds still and think….I should have had one that age. So sorry to hear about your hard times – we are all thinking of you and sending love. (not the creepy kind either)

  • http://www.heavyonthecaffeine.com Christy

    There is no shame in admitting you don’t know what happens (in terms of religion)–many people believe they know, and if that gives them some sense of comfort or control, then all the power to them, but many of us out here are all in the same boat–just trying to figure it out.

    I also don’t think it’s weird that you still think of your would be due date. I had a miscarriage almost 4 years ago (at 3 months along) and every year at the end of January I’ve said, “I would’ve had a 1 year old…2 year old…3 year old. It’s not morbid, you’re a mother and I think you always will carry that with you in some way (just hopefully not so painfully.)

    I feel for you in what you are going through…why does it seem like bad things have to happen in the midst of times we could and should be celebrating? I guess all we can do is try to rise to the challenge.

    All of my positive energy and thoughts are sent your way along with the hundreds (thousands maybe) other well wishers. You bring a lot of laughter and joy to our days with what you write, hopefully we can bring a little back to yours.

  • http://www.lovemaegan.com loveMaegan

    I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. I find I have many of the same worries as far as religion and children go. It’s so confusing. This is where the stupid saying “ignorance is bliss” may be helpful? …too late though. Sleep definitely is the key here. go get some :) I hope your step-dad gets better.

    Happy Friday! Have a relaxing and restful weekend.

  • Chelsea

    Oh Heather, I don’t even know what to say that hasn’t already been said. I’m truly thinking of you and your family and can’t even imagine how hard this is for you. My life has also been chaos the last few weeks, with my family falling apart and going through a difficult break up, and the only thing getting me through it is the support of friends. Hopefully you can feel even the tiniest bit better knowing that there are thousands of us who read your blog daily who do think of you as a friend and are wishing, hoping, praying, whatever it is we do, that everything will be okay!

  • http://www.realityfish.com Robin G.

    Definitely time to get your ass back to therapy. There is no better place to talk through surviving transitional periods in your life, and this is obviously a major transitional period — both in your personal and professional life. Plus, if you’re not sleeping, your anxiety isn’t under control. Simple as that.

    Many people will say “Hang in there, it’ll all get better.” And while that’s true, it’s not a luxury people with mental illness can afford. Trying to “hang in there” can throw everything, and I mean everything, out of whack. And then you’re stuck not only trying to survive the original stressors, you have to survive what the stressors have done to your hard-won balance.

    Get thee to the therapist.

  • Tessa

    hi heather,
    i have read your blog for a few years and have never commented, though i have formulated many in my head. at first i didn’t because i was too cyber-shy, then felt awkward because i had read for so long and had never commented (so why now) and then there reached a point (like now) when within minutes of updating, you would already received hundreds of comments, so why create even more for you to read. well, just to say thank you, again and again. i, myself, am also in a state of unraveling …and it while it doesn’t necessarily help to know that untold numbers of other people also feel pain and despair, it is necessary for me to read, to connect, to write and to slowly remember that the darkness always clears (for me at least, thankfully), that though this is real it is not what has to define me. so thank you.

  • Bethbb

    I know: Not a St. Patrick’s Day goes by that I don’t remember that was the due date for the one I miscarried. I’m not sure if you ever forget, but it does become less painful over time.

    Lifting you up from down South –

  • http://2kids-jeanne.blogspot.com/ Jeanne E

    Lost baby due dates are hard. Been there… It’s completely normal to feel sad even though the loss was months ago, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Just feel how you need to feel, and ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.

    Also if it helps, I know SO MANY people (myself included) who’ve beaten cancer…

  • http://www.life-up-north.com Jimmie

    I read on The Pioneer Woman’s site (http://thepioneerwoman.com) that if you put two spoons in the freezer for awhile, and then apply them to your eyelids, it will take away the puffiness and that “I’ve been crying all day” look.

    Best of luck, Heather. I know this isn’t an easy time for you, and just know that all your fans are hoping for the best.

  • Kim

    Heather, so sorry to hear all of this. I think it’s okay to not have all the answers. Life can be so overwhelming sometimes, and not being well rested certainly doesn’t help in dealing with it all. Take good care of yourself and your family, and if going back to therapy helps, give yourself that outlet. You’re in my thoughts.

  • sarah

    you’re in my thoughts. xo

  • http://erinjarvis.com Erin The Great

    Just remember the old saying… When god shuts a door, he always opens a window….I mean he has to leave us something we can jump out of right?

    The best advice i can give you, having had a parent suffer through cancer and a good friend currently going through it, try and keep a sense of humor. It sounds morbid but i guarantee it’s one of the few ways of not letting it crush you.

    No matter what you do or don’t believe in, there is a universal fact that no matter happens in life, it will inevitably work out for the best. Even if it sucks going through it. You never know what can arise out of a really crappy situation.

  • Shannon

    Heather, I don’t have anything good to say except to hang in there and just keep breathing for now. You are amazing, and you bring so much light into my life and the lives of thousands of others. Don’t be afraid to lean on everyone around you. You are so loved. It’s okay to let others be your strength when you need it.

  • http://constantevolution.wordpress.com Tana

    No, it’s not weird or anything but completely normal that you remember the due date of the child you carried. It’s normal that you are experiencing a renewed sense of loss. It’s normal because you are human and compassionate and kind.

    I’m very sorry about your step-father. That is tough. I don’t know what else to say about that.

    Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. I too struggle with what I believe. It’s constantly on my mind or in the back of my mind. I too have released some old beliefs that I grew up with, so I can say I understand.

  • http://knaphrodesiac.blogspot.com Knaphrodesiac

    This is one of those times when all I can muster is a hug.

    *hug*

  • http://www.lolliloobedoo.blogspot.com loll

    Talk & cry with wild abandon. It is a sad and scary time for you all. The most important thing really Heather, is how your Stepfather feels about illness and the possibility of dying. It sounds to me that no matter what happens he can go forth secure in the fact that the world is a better place because he has been part of it and living or dying he has inspired others through his good deeds.
    My thoughts will soo be with you. I just lost my Pops a few weeks ago after a year long battle with a bag-of-crap brain tumor. That lumpy asswipe stole my Pops long before it completely depleted his body of life and energy. It was a hella year, but it was also a joyous year as we ALL learned just how much we love and are loved. It’s a strange,life-altering,positive energy that can sometimes show itself during tragic times. I hope that energy is something you will eventually find.

  • bluestar

    It’s such a long list, but I wanted to add my name to those of others who are thinking of you and sending you as many positive vibes as possible. I don’t know you personally, but your writing brings people in so close that it’s hard to hear that you’re feeling so awful. Take care of yourself.

  • http://www.elephantine.typepad.com rachel

    heather, sending my best wishes…

  • http://invitepresence.com Carol

    My eyes welled with tears reading your post. You and your family will be in my thoughts. When I’ve been in the midst of very painful experiences, the words “This too shall pass” have given me a strange sense of peace. I hope they do for you, too. I don’t like to be cheesy, but I really feel for you. So I’ll also say that I hope you’re able to embrace “not knowing” and feel the grace that can come from that.

  • http://bohemiangirldesigns.blogspot.com boho girl

    i hear you and i honor you for bravely sharing such raw emotions from your gut.

    i resonate with much of this.

    thinking of you and your family and all that is going on in your heart today.

    holding onto hope for you, that you will feel peace soon.

  • Megan

    Heather,
    I hope for strength and friendship for you, and peace. I’m thinking about you and your family today…

  • Sarah

    Keeping your family in my thoughts — I am sorry to hear about your stepfather’s cancer. Good luck with everything, your inner strength is evident in your writing.

  • http://www.flummel.com/ee Karan

    Don’t live your life in fear of what might happen, but live it in celebration of what it can be. It feels better that way.

  • Anonymous

    eighthundred and twenty one-because ya just can’t get enough support and empathy- especially when we’re at our most vunerable–
    We’re all connected
    sleep well

  • http://valetian.blogspot.com Valeta

    I’m so sorry about your step-dad.

    *hugs* I think about the baby I miscarried 4 years ago on its due date.

  • ML

    My due date from eight years ago is in July. I never forget.

    And I think often my inability to sleep is my body’s way of telling me the inner load is getting too big and I need to get some of it off my chest…look at all you have gone through in three weeks! And we only know the tip of the ice-berg! I wish loads of peace, and if not certainty at least affection, for you, from places that will bring you deep reassurance and love.

    You are such a bright light.

  • Sara

    It’s been almost four years, and I still think about my due date. It’s gotten better, but the first time was really hard. I have had two kids since then, and they help a lot. I will always wonder about the baby I would have had and wonder what he or she would have been like.

    I wish you and your family all the best. I hope everything works out for your stepfather.

  • http://churchofthegrannybike.blogspot.com Melanie

    Thanks for your earnestness, I connected to your experience on so many levels that I found it overwhelming– in a good way. In a connecting with humanity, shared human experience kind of way. Thanks for reminding me of how alive I am and how I am apart of something bigger than I really understand. Even though I’ve left the church I really feel like we’re all in this together, in that familial sort of way. Best to you and your family.

  • Andrea

    Yes, you will always remember the due date- no, it won’t always hurt so bad to think of it. It isn’t morbid at all. The baby I miscarried would be 19 (!) this June. I have three other babies that all came after that horrible week.
    Hang in there- I read once that the strongest women of faith doubt the most. I think it is impossible not to, especially when hit with crap like this in life.
    I do believe, and I will pray for you and your stepfather.

  • Margie

    for the endless times you have made me laugh out loud,
    I now share your tears with you . . my thoughts are with you and your family.

  • http://thisgirlremembers.wordpress.com/ This Girl Remembers

    Heather,

    I am so sorry to hear about your stepfather’s illness. As are so many of us out here in cyberspace.

    I don’t quite know what I believe, either. And sometimes I’m ok with that and sometimes, as you said, it doesn’t feel ok. My grandmother died a little more than a month ago, and I’m still struggling with all of that. I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife. I don’t know if I believe in God, in any traditional sense. I do know, though, that I DON’T believe in a God who plans out illness and fear and death and grief. It didn’t help for people to tell me that my grandmother’s death was all part of “God’s plan” and I should just be happy that she’s with “him” now. Ugh. Sometimes bad things happen and there’s no reason. That totally sucks. I think that what really matters is how we live with one another right here, right now. In all of the loss and pain around my grandmother’s passing, I am so astounded by the way in which my family gathered around her, and how our circle tightened as we held each other up through those first days without her. If anything is sacred, that circle was. We make our own meaning, and it is a good one.

    Which is to say, I don’t have any answers either, but I’m holding your stepfather and your family in my heart today. And especially you, as you deal with not only his illness but your own loss as well. You should never feel like the loss of a child through miscarriage is a lesser loss than others. In some ways, it’s more. It’s ok to grieve. As I know you know already, but I felt I needed to say it anyway.

    Thank you so much for letting us into your world. Your openness and candor are blessings to so many of us who see a little bit of ourselves in your experience.