• http://asmeddlingkiss.blogspot.com Velma

    I hate when the shitty stuff piles up, and I’m sorry your family has had a steaming crap-load dumped recently.

  • Audrey

    My heart and gentlest of feelings to you and yours during this time. Your continued bravery in sharing the delightful, gross, and also overwhelmingly hard bits of life is a comfort. You’ve been preaching that your “Mommy Blog” is about showing how hard motherhood is: I am not a mother, but read your blog because it is always incredibly interesting. Posts like this remind us all that humanity is tough to live with. *Hugs to you.*

  • Shannon

    My heart goes out to you in thinking about your miscarriage and your stepdad.

    You don’t have to have a set religious belief to be stunned sometimes by the very fact that we are here. It’s a pretty powerful feeling. And sometimes despite not having formal religious beliefs I do get a very strong feeling that the universe makes sense in a strange way and that it can provide in some uncanny ways. This gives me a lot of comfort without havingto pretend I have answers. I wouldn’t want to have a mindless belief in something- I really do believe that faith is for the unseen, not the untrue.

    I hope you have some trust in your path, where you’re at- I think you do. It helps.

  • Megan

    I’m finally delurking in the hopes of helping just a wee bit. In the past 18 months I have had 2 miscarriages. And while neither were easy, the 2nd was horrendously awful. Not only did it happen at 14 weeks after we’d shared our news with family & friends (so therefore had to have many sad conversations repeatedly), but it lingered for another 6 weeks before the medical system decided to “help”. It was a terrible experience that I would never wish on anyone. It left my partner & I seriously considering whether to try again and we had many, many discussions about it. After many months, we decided to give it one last shot. I grew up in a big family (12 kids & step-kids in total) and the thought of my son growing up an only child just didn’t sit well with me. I now sit here at 15.5 weeks pregnant, hoping beyond belief that things continue to go OK. I tell you this not just to make you feel like you aren’t alone in your sadness, but to let you know that things CAN work out. Despite all of the rotten statistics about how common miscarriage really is, I KNOW that is still feels like you are alone and nobody else hurts like you. I will never forget the due dates of my 2 unborn children. And as those dates come & go, I feel a sadness too.

    That’s my story. I hope it gives you some comfort in knowing you’ll be OK.

    I’m very sorry to hear of your stepfather. My own stepfather sounds a lot like yours and I can only imagine the pain in contemplating the loss of him in my family’s life. I’m not religious, so I won’t say I’ll pray for you, but I will think of you and hope for the best.

  • http://www.theglamorouslifeblog.blogspot.com Marcy- The Glamorous Life

    We are strangers. And yet I feel all your pain. I hurt for you. I have been right where you are…..the dividing line in your life…the BEFORE he was diagnosed and then the AFTER. You will learn MUCH about yourself thru this journey. Say what you need to say. And feel what you need to feel…..and as for ‘figuring it all out’….none of us have. Anyne who says they have are liars….take comfort in what you know. Love. Family. heck- even food will get you thru this…..

  • TxSuzyQ

    Sending prayers and blessings to you and your family. I don’t have all the answers either, but I do know that relying on each other and loving each other through times like this, is just about the only way to get through it sanely.

    Thank you for sharing and for letting us remember the pregnancy that would have been, with you. I know it might sound cliche, but I believe events like these happen for a reason. Perhaps reasons we’ll never understand, maybe even for our own good or possibly because then wasn’t the right time. I can’t be sure, but thats what I choose to believe. It helps things make a little more sense in broader terms.

    As far as trying again, ask yourself some questions. Is your desire to create another baby or to create a family? Perhaps your next child is waiting your arival instead of the other way around.

    *Hugs* No matter whats in store, there are folks out here who care.

  • http://spoiledonlychild.blogspot.com spoiledonlychild

    Will you please, please read this book called The New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle. Just ignore the Oprah sticker on the front. As a completely areligious person, it really helped me understand what I believe. It changed the way I look at and react to my world, and a lot of scary things became less scary. Give it a try.

  • http://www.curtistucker.com Curtis

    Hey Dooce,

    It’s getting kinda creepy in here with everyone showing the love. I hope things go well for everyone.

    A hot bath and two valium should do the trick.

    Sleep well.

  • http://dancingkitchen.wordpress.com kat

    oh heather. i have to say i watched the nightline piece and now seeing this, i’m just picturing you at that desk in front of the huge monitor crying a little as you write this.

    you’ve had these two huge lows this week and i am only hoping that a high will be coming your way soon. sounds like you could use it.

  • http://plantmistress.com/ Lacey

    I’m sorry to hear about your stepdad. Several years ago, my mum had cancer and I can remember that feeling of helplessness, of just wanting things to be normal. I’ll be keeping your family in my thoughts.

  • Traca

    I second the suggestion of melatonin for sleeping, it helps me without drugging me up. I also like Valerian for chilling out except that it smells like something that comes out of Satan’s ass.

    I am a complete hypocritical agnostic and that is the way it is. If it helps you to believe in the Easter Bunny at this time in your life, then go right ahead. If you feel the need to pray, then pray. You do what you need to do to make it work. Fuck it.

    My thoughts will be with you and your family.

  • Shirley

    God bless you, Heather. You are such an amazing woman and stronger than you know. I second the suggestion that you choose the appropriate libation to “help the swelling”.

  • jayfriesinvegas

    Hang in there Doll. What is meant to be is meant to be and you will get through this!

  • Sarah

    Heather, I am really sorry that you and your family are going through this. It is hard to have in one day life change for everyone once cancer is diagnosed. It is a loss of what life used to be. During my mom’s cancer, I felt like I had to be strong for everyone. When I visited the hospital chaplain all she had to do was ask how I was doing and I totally broke down. She told me it is ok to be sad and scared and she really helped us(my mom and sisters) talk through our love and fears together. At times my mom was a pain in the ass but she was my pain in the ass and I didn’t want to lose her. It is hard, but say the things you have to say to each other so your step dad will know how much he means to you. I’ll be thinking of you.

  • Anonymous

    It means so much to read your struggles as well as your triumphs. Remember to count your blessings. You have a lot of them!

  • http://letsgogetsometacos.blogspot.com April

    Get your hiney to your therapist—stat! Misery shared is less misery you have to carry around. That’s what they’re there for. Take care of yourself.

  • megan

    I’ve decided not to read any of the comments before me. I just hope that you will be able to one day read my comment, and it helps you a little…

    Its a funny thing, cancer. Its one of those things that blind-sides you and suddenly, there is this thing and all that surrounds it, and you have no idea why or where or whence it came. My 8 year old nephew just finished 39 months of chemotherapy and poking and prodding with needles and spinal taps and blood counts… My cousin is in the 4th year of the fight of her life with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. She has been hospitialized multiple times, and spent Thanksgiving to Christmas intubated.

    And, like you, I’m still trying to figure out all the intangible stuff in this life. The spiritual aspect of it, whether or not I put my stock in fate and faith, and what Truth is.

    But the one thing that I have learned is that while the illness is devastating to everyone (sometimes more to those of us who are having to sit idly by and watch), it does give all of us an opportunity to examine our lives, relationships, and what we hold dear. And no matter the outcome, we really cherish the time we all spend together, even if its wringing hands and crying. But we all begin to look forward to those good days! and relish them! and we learn to expect the bad days – and get through them. Hopefully with a little grace. That no matter how religous one is (or not), you do get through it. You find strength in yourself that you never knew existed.

    The most important thing I learned? Its no one’s fault that it happened. Its not punishment. And its not because of anything other than medical chance; predisposition or not.

    I promise it gets easier to cope. And the best weapon you have in this fight? Your sense of humor. Trust me. Laugh every chance you get. There is no inappropriate humor.

  • http://www.mica21.com Laura Thompson

    Our thoughts are with you, your stepfather and the rest of his family. The fact that you haven’t defined your spirituality or your belief system doesn’t mean you (and those who care about you) can’t send positive energy his way. But trust me, I understand the frustration, and you can’t be anything other than who you are. Stay strong!

  • http://lettersfromhometohome.blogspot.com Chloe

    Take good care, it sounds like you are on the path to doing so. I will think thoughts of happiness, health, and grace for you and your family.

  • http://www.naturesthumbprint.com Melissa

    If I am feeling down I sometimes come and read your old posts for a giggle. Instead of a giggle today I would just like to send out a hug and good thoughts to you and your family. I do not have an organized religon but I do believe there is something more out there and that we will not be given anything we cannot handle (even if we have to handle it with prescription pills). Sometimes we just have to gather those we love around us and enjoy every minute with them, even if those minutes are hard. I am so sorry.

  • Sara Jean

    Heather, thank you for writing this. Your honesty in inspiring.

    Hang in there.

  • http://akuswanderings.blogspot.com Aku

    Sending all my positive thoughts and courage to your direction! It will be OK, it will.

  • Kristina Gideon

    sorry to hear about your difficult time with your step-father. sounds like you are having a scary and emotional time with also remembering your miscarriage. I read that although you miscarry and are no longer pregnant, your body remembers. my first pregnancy was a miscarriage and around my due date, I began to feel really rather depressed and moody and could not figure out why. then I remembered that this was around the time when I would have given birth. I was taking a painting class at the time, and used that as an outlet. It helped. I now have 2 kids. anyways, sorry this is longer than your actual blog post. I hope there are better days ahead for you and your family.

  • wry

    I’ll go ahead and have some very hopeful thoughts for your stepfather, as I’ve had two close relatives live in complete remission from lymphoma. Here’s to hope.

    I’m so sorry for your miscarriage and the painful reminders of your loss.

    If I were giving advice (moi?), I would say focus on getting some sleep first and foremost. Without it, everything will be so much worse to deal with. Get some Xanax or something that will help you just. sleep.

    I don’t know what I believe either, beyond the fact that life is complicated, sad, scary, and amazing. Keep breathing.

  • kate

    just returned to therapy yesterday for the first time in nine months…it felt great…i highly recommend it. thanks for sharing your joys and challenges with all of us out here in internet-land. it really helps getting through hard times when you know you are not alone. hang in there…it will get better.

  • http://www.janetnelson.net Janet

    Good thoughts are headed your way.

  • Anonymous

    You and yours are in my prayers.

  • Another Heather


    This beautiful community you’ve created multiplies the joy in the world; I can only hope it divides the sorrow too.

    Sending strength & peace for you and healing thoughts for your step-dad.

    Much love, sister!

  • http://www.winecat.typepad.com winecat

    Oh Heather, I’m so sorry to hear about your step-father and your continuing grief caused by the miscarriage.

    You and your family are in my thoughts.

    Get yourself to the therapist. If there was ever a time you needed help up the hill, this is it. (been there, done that and more than once waited too long to do it)

  • http://barelymyself.com diz

    I’m sorry to hear about your stepdad. Cancer has had her fun with lots of people in my family and I am sick of it. My grandmother died of lung cancer over ten years ago and I still resent it. Also still trying to figure out what it is that I believe, which can be so daunting.

    Thoughts with you and your family, and I hope you get a good night’s sleep one of these days.

  • Jennifer

    You have a right to be sad and overwhelmed. What a terrible collation of events. I’m a recovering Catholic who has never found a formal religion that works for me. I firmly believe that it does not matter what I believe, only that I believe. That may not be enough for you, and it IS ok that it’s not. Whatever feels right in this troubling time, go with it. Everyone has their own path, you’ll find yours eventually.
    Sending you and your family all the hope and support the internet can provide.

  • http://hanasu.blogspot.com Hanasu

    I wish you and your stepfather all the good luck there is. I myself am not a believer and I only find hope in these kind of moments through my family. I think you have a good one there, so hold on to them!
    Lots of good vibes from Spain,

  • http://grinningellie.wordpress.com E

    Oh, I’m so sorry for all you’re going through right now.
    I hope… well, I just hope for the best.

  • Marley

    I am sorry that you are struggling so much right now. I will keep your stepfather in my thoughts.

    I don’t know either. I was a convert as a teen and right now I sometimes feel like I am just… nothing. You are not alone in your feelings, and thank you for sharing so I know that neither am I.

    I will always remember my due date too. It was my dad’s birthday. It’s okay to remember. It’s okay if one year you forget too.

    Take care, and I hope you reach the summit sooner than later.

  • http://fireinmysoul.blogspot.com Mary

    I understand exactly what you’re saying; I still have those bizarre wistful thoughts when I see pregnant bellies- I never got one, although I did get very lucky and have two live births despite complications and many, many weeks of NICU experience. You’ll get thrugh this as you seem to get through everything else in your life- one breath at a time, with the support of Jon and Leta, and with that quirky combination of grace and sarcastic wit that has inspired me time and again.

  • Eliza

    I’m so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family and hoping for the best.

  • http://www.imaveg.blogspot.com/ plue

    I completely understand the fear of rolling the dice. Right now, I’m in the process of infertility testing. Bleh. I do want children, but I also grew up with a developmentally disabled sister, so I know that even when you’re blessed with a pregnancy, things may not turn out exactly as you had hoped.

    I’ve come to terms with an “If it happens, it was meant to happen” attitude. I believe that my sister has a very rich life experience and no one in my life will ever love me as she does and I’m very lucky to have that in my life. I have a second cousin who has decided not to have children because of the possibility of an unperfect baby. That’s her choice. I think nothing in life is certain, but sometimes even in the most trying moments there are opportunities for tremendous joy.

  • Katsz

    My husband and I suffered through 2 miscarraiges, before having our two children. I know what you’re going through. I was almost tempted to just stop trying, after the second one….but glad we didn’t, or we wouldn’t have had our two children..now 25, and 22.

    It’s still something that I think about…and wonder, “what if” about. What if they didn’t happen, would those children be boys or girls, and how old would they be. But, I believe that things happen for a reason, so I have to believe that something just wasn’t right at the time…and it was God’s way of telling us that.
    It is a loss that will never be forgotten…I believe.
    I’m truly sorry for your heartache…with this issue, and your stepfather’s health. I hope things brighten up for you, and wish you the best.


  • http://www.theworldaccordingtoclark.typepad.com Kathryn

    You know I’ve read your blog for awhile and I’ve never felt compelled to leave a comment until now. I hope that things work out okay with your stepfather and that he’ll be okay. And I don’t think it’s morbid that you remember the date of your miscarriage. My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and it is devastating. But I’m happy to say that I had two successful pregnancies after that. Although, I felt like I was walking on eggshells for the first 3 months of each, fearful of another miscarriage. Now I’m tearing my hair out chasing three girls. I kid.
    Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.

  • penny

    I hope that you don’t give up on having children. my husband and I also went threw a miscarriage and now we have 2 little boys. so i just encourage you to try again. i’m really sorry to hear about your stepfather. i pray that he continues to recover. take good care of yourself

  • Sherri

    Take a deep breath and take some much deserved Heather time. We (your audience) will be here for you!!!

  • http://www.krismom.com Kris

    thinking of you and your family, this is not easy to go through :( don’t hold back the tears if you can help it,sometimes saving them up just hurts worse in the end.

    I had 3 miscarriages (2 of them in October at 3 months each) before finally getting pregnant with and having my son(now 3). It was heartbreaking but am I ever glad we had the courage to try again. I hope you find that strength within yourself so you can enjoy cuddling a sweet new baby sometime in 2009.

    ((((hugs)))) sending positive thoughts your way!

    Take care,

  • http://acowboyswife.com Lori

    I think it’s always hard to think of the right thing to say at these times but I’ll say this beings I’ve dealt with both of your dilemmas…..

    Embrace each and every day like it’s your last and be grateful for what and who is in your life.

    Tell them that you love them and just be there to listen, share and support.

    As for yourself, you have such a blessing already with your precious princess……Oh, and go for a spa treatment and take a day for yourself!

    Good luck sweetie..you’ve are in my thoughts and prayers..you and your family.

  • Random Diva

    What a gutpunch Heather. So sorry to hear this news. Please seek help if you need to get through, thats the sane-est thing anyone can do in times like this. We will all be hoping the best for you & your family and will be here for you on the other side of this misery. Wishing you sleep, and love & light. XO

  • mystang2

    Sometimes life just plain sucks. Who knows why? It’s amazing that with so much pain and suffering in the world around us so many still choose to continue the journey. That makes me believe that there is something great ahead for us all. Climb that mountain Heather, climb! Don’t look back, look forward. Great adventures await you. Please know that there are lots of us out here wishing you and your family well and good thoughts are coming your way.

  • Lisa

    I am so sorry to hear about your stepfather, Heather. He sounds like an amazing person and I hope he has a successful treatment. You have a lot going on and it is enough to bend anyone. Go to your therapist. And then come home and be there for your mother. She needs you now.

  • http://www.lilja.no Stellare

    Be strong, you have it all in you! It shows all the way through the internet!

    Believe in yourself!

  • http://fontologist.blogspot.com/ Michelle

    I’m sorry for all this pain you’re facing. Thanks for being open enough to share it with us.

    I really admire your honesty about where you’re at with your beliefs. It is easier to pretend to ourselves and everyone else that those questions aren’t there and most of us do. It is the brave people who admit it and go looking for answers. So keep looking. I pray you will find Peace and Truth.

  • Windy

    Sending good thoughts and wishes for a good night’s sleep your way.

    We’re all thinking about you and hoping everything turns out well.

  • Steph