Regional differences
Leta is looking for a tiny shoe that belongs to a particular Polly Pockets set we bought her for Easter which, first of all, is already an impossible endeavor. I don't think the CIA could find that shoe, and I have a hard time understanding why they even create shoes for Polly Pocket figures anyway. Have you ever seen them? Imagine a miniature Barbie. Smaller. Smaller than that. So imagine the feet on that smaller than smaller than a miniature Barbie. Right. Tiny. You can't even see the feet without a microscope. Now imagine the shoes that fit on those microscopic feet. Keeping track of those shoes is like keeping track of an individual piece of dust. EXCEPT MORE MADDENING.
She keeps asking Jon, "Did you sawl it?"
And he keeps going, "Have I SEEN it?"
Naturally, this has the exact opposite effect that he intends, and she starts screaming bad grammar even more vehemently: "DID YOU SAWL IT?"
"Leta," he says with a calm, assertive tone that The Dog Whisperer recommends you use with disobedient dogs. Except Jon has never used this tone with Coco and instead prefers the DIE! DIE! DIE! approach to conversation. It involves a lot of tearing at his hair. And using inappropriate words in front of our impressionable four-year-old daughter who just yesterday used SHIT in proper context. I should probably add an OOPS to the end of that revelation, but I'm less embarrassed by her cussing than I am proud that she is figuring out the subtleties of language.
"SAWL is not a word," he says to her firmly. "It's SAW. SAWWWWWW."
She remains unimpressed and, on the verge of emotional collapse, yells, "DID? YOU? SAWLLLLLLLL? IT?" Because she isn't interested in this little grammar tutorial, DAD, and look! YOUR PROPER USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAS DONE NOTHING TO HELP HER FIND THAT SHOE.
"Jon," I say trying to step in and ease the tension a little bit. "I'm the English major in this house, and right now I don't care that she's saying SAWL. Why do you care so much?"
"Ohhhhhh noooooo, NO YOU DON'T," he shoots back. "Have you ever listened to the way you pronounce C-R-A-Y-O-N? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT."
"What does that have to do with this?"
"It means that if I leave you in charge of teaching her how to speak we'll have to hire a translator to follow her around so that she can communicate with the world."
"But if you're in charge of teaching her how to speak—"
"IT'S SAWWWWWWWWWWWW—”"
"She'll—”"
"AWWWWWWWW—"
"But—"
"AWWW. AWWW. AWWW. AWWW—"
"Jon—"
"AWW? Aww. AWWWWWWW!"
Internet, I love my husband, I adore him even, but he should not be surprised this afternoon to find that all of his underwear has been put in the freezer.
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FM Living
Shelene said:
Thank you so much for the afternoon laugh!!
06.03.08 - 01:39 PM / 1insane mama said:
I am so glad that I am not the only one that has a tendency to put other peoples underwear in the freezer! Although, I usually put my teenagers underwear in there just to piss her off! Talking of teens... that really needs a translator, I only understand half of what they say.
06.03.08 - 01:40 PM / 2rb said:
HATE the Polly Pocket shoes. Wait until one of the armholes rips open. That's fun.
06.03.08 - 01:40 PM / 3Anonymous said:
I have taken to gluing the shoes to Polly's feet. It's less effort than searching the couch cushions.
06.03.08 - 01:40 PM / 4Scargosun said:
I think you should put his C-R-A-Y-O-N-S in there too.
06.03.08 - 01:40 PM / 5Hey You said:
My mother has a spelling test of mine from the first grade that reads: 1. Sawl 2. Drawl etc. I came home upset that I had done poorly because "Mama, you told me to sound out the words, and *sob* I did, and I still *gasp* got them all wrong!" Did I mention that I grew up in Georgia? Guess not. I grew up in Georgia and think Leta is pronouncing Saw correctly.
06.03.08 - 01:40 PM / 6Jacquie said:
Polly Pockets are manufactured in Hell. Their only redemption is that most of the pieces are small enough to cruise right through the intestinal tract and out the back door.
I've pretty much given up on trying to teach my kids to speak properly, it's easier to laugh
atwith them when they talk funny.
06.03.08 - 01:41 PM / 7Jessica said:
Did you check between the couch cushions?
06.03.08 - 01:41 PM / 8Anonymous said:
most hilarious post in a while, dooce
and imagine, i think polly pockets are actually BIGGER than they first started out. hfs.
also, my "human test" words are "graphic" and "murderer."
you sure it's just underwear that you're putting in the freezer?
06.03.08 - 01:41 PM / 9Rebellious Arab Girl said:
lol .. Leta will grow out of it. She is only 4. Perfect English is not required at her age! :)
06.03.08 - 01:42 PM / 10Betsey said:
Ha! I told my bf I was going to put his underwear in the freezer yesterday after he had his 4 year old spray me with the water hose.
06.03.08 - 01:43 PM / 11andrea said:
Hilarious! I have a feeling this arguments will become a common thing around this house as soon as we can understand what our kid is actually saying.
Oh, and Polly Pockets are one reason I am so happy to have birthed a boy.
06.03.08 - 01:45 PM / 12nawny said:
I'm with you -- the purpose of language is communication.
It's also worth noting that language evolves...
Instead of assuming that Leta will need a translator, Jon should consider the possibility that in the not too distant future "sawl" might replace "seen." It's possible.
(And Leta needs the Disney princess polly pocket sized dolls. Really. Teeny tiny glass slippers and such.)
06.03.08 - 01:45 PM / 13Liz said:
Fabulous story Dooce. Love Leta. Not so much Jon in this case. Thanks for the hilarity and find that shoe!!
06.03.08 - 01:46 PM / 14Katybeth said:
I almost never feel a husbands pain (feels really disloyal) but I married a Chi-cagoian and now my twelve year old says Snnnack in a nasal sort of Midwest tone and this is an affront to my southern ears!
It MATTERS and is even worth cold undies but if you are looking for another point maker-- I once sew the flap shut on all my husband’s boxers and briefs-well actually I had the cleaners do it (one day cleaners) because I don't sew.
06.03.08 - 01:46 PM / 15Megan said:
I wholeheartedly agree with the underwear freezing. And possibly unplugging the microwave so that 'Oops, I don't know why it's not working. Too bad you can't thaw out your pants until you get some water hot enough to work through all that ice... Sweetie.'
06.03.08 - 01:46 PM / 16Court said:
Well, does she "wash" her clothes or "worsh" her clothes? You just let Jon know that it can always get worse.
06.03.08 - 01:47 PM / 17KMac said:
I totally say Crown...DUH. That should be your next masthead!
06.03.08 - 01:47 PM / 18Tara said:
Hahahahahahaha.
I had a friend from Long Island that would say "draw" for drawer (DRAW-ER). I wanted to punch her in the face.
06.03.08 - 01:48 PM / 19Grape Did It said:
Or the conversations at our house when my husband replaces the word No, with Nary. I cannot get it across to him that they ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE. Plus, it sounds like he's trying to quote a bad version of Shakespeare.
06.03.08 - 01:48 PM / 20katie said:
unfortunately that tact wouldn't work so well on my husband. i have to bargain with him NOT to put his underwear in the freezer when it's this hot out. he's convinced sticking clothes in the freezer for 20 minutes before putting them on = his very own personal air conditioning.
06.03.08 - 01:50 PM / 21Bibi said:
In our home, walking into one of my children's rooms is like walking across hot coals.
I consider mispronunciations to be part of the charm of growing up. I still favor saying the W in the word SWORD, even if it's wrong. It makes me sound special.
06.03.08 - 01:50 PM / 22Cecilia said:
Geeeeeeeeeezzze. Sounds like SOMEBODY forgot to take his Prozac today! ;->
06.03.08 - 01:50 PM / 23Shamelessly Sassy said:
I am pretty sure I will meet my demise searching for Polly Pockets super tiny shit. or stepping on it. If I get one more miniature piece of furniture jammed under my foot, I'll probably stroke out.
06.03.08 - 01:51 PM / 24Stacy said:
Oh my! I laughed so hard that I started crying. I'm going to hear "AWWW. AWWW. AWWW." in my head for the rest of the day.
06.03.08 - 01:51 PM / 25jennie said:
I keep finding one of those tiny shoes under the table and always think it's a bug or maybe some lunch that escaped the table. It's disturbing, every single time, to realize it's a tiny shoe.
I'm always tempted just to throw it away, but then I'm certain we'd have the SAWL discussion at our house.
06.03.08 - 01:51 PM / 26Lola said:
The DNA Smackdown of focus and determination. Shoes-0; Sawl-1
06.03.08 - 01:52 PM / 27Rebecca said:
haha your husband seems harder to communicate with than your daughter!
06.03.08 - 01:54 PM / 28Annie said:
You think Polly Pockets are small now, you should have seen them back when I was a kid.
God that makes me feel old..
06.03.08 - 01:55 PM / 29Cheryl said:
hilarious. thanks so much for the mid-day pick me up. the people in my office now think I am insane because of all the laughing.
06.03.08 - 01:55 PM / 30