Thank you so much for the afternoon laugh!!

HATE the Polly Pocket shoes. Wait until one of the armholes rips open. That's fun.

I think you should put his C-R-A-Y-O-N-S in there too.

Polly Pockets are manufactured in Hell. Their only redemption is that most of the pieces are small enough to cruise right through the intestinal tract and out the back door.

I've pretty much given up on trying to teach my kids to speak properly, it's easier to laugh at with them when they talk funny.

most hilarious post in a while, dooce

and imagine, i think polly pockets are actually BIGGER than they first started out. hfs.

also, my "human test" words are "graphic" and "murderer."

you sure it's just underwear that you're putting in the freezer?

Ha! I told my bf I was going to put his underwear in the freezer yesterday after he had his 4 year old spray me with the water hose.

I'm with you -- the purpose of language is communication.

It's also worth noting that language evolves...

Instead of assuming that Leta will need a translator, Jon should consider the possibility that in the not too distant future "sawl" might replace "seen." It's possible.

(And Leta needs the Disney princess polly pocket sized dolls. Really. Teeny tiny glass slippers and such.)

I almost never feel a husbands pain (feels really disloyal) but I married a Chi-cagoian and now my twelve year old says Snnnack in a nasal sort of Midwest tone and this is an affront to my southern ears!

It MATTERS and is even worth cold undies but if you are looking for another point maker-- I once sew the flap shut on all my husband’s boxers and briefs-well actually I had the cleaners do it (one day cleaners) because I don't sew.

Well, does she "wash" her clothes or "worsh" her clothes? You just let Jon know that it can always get worse.

Hahahahahahaha.

I had a friend from Long Island that would say "draw" for drawer (DRAW-ER). I wanted to punch her in the face.

unfortunately that tact wouldn't work so well on my husband. i have to bargain with him NOT to put his underwear in the freezer when it's this hot out. he's convinced sticking clothes in the freezer for 20 minutes before putting them on = his very own personal air conditioning.

Geeeeeeeeeezzze. Sounds like SOMEBODY forgot to take his Prozac today! ;->

Oh my! I laughed so hard that I started crying. I'm going to hear "AWWW. AWWW. AWWW." in my head for the rest of the day.

The DNA Smackdown of focus and determination. Shoes-0; Sawl-1

You think Polly Pockets are small now, you should have seen them back when I was a kid.

God that makes me feel old..

Underwear in the freezer. Well, all righty then.

As long as she understands that y'all NEVER means only one person, it's all good.

If you can get to it before she eats it, I might check Coco's poop for the shoes.

Can I just say that I love your newsletters to Leta? I think they're beautiful and inspiring. They're hilarious and she will love them more than words can say when she's ohhhhhh 20?

I love your reference in the last one to kids sunbathing in Alaska. Wish that were true. We had snow as long as you did up here in the great northern frozen wasteland. So, I totally, TOTALLY feel yours (and Leta's) pain. My mood has changed too....for the better.

Well, we're in totally different regions, but my kids stick L's at the ends of words where they don't belong as well. Saw is one of them.

Passive agressive retaliation is so fun! Loved your last post about Leta -

If there's one thing I love (and I've raised 4 boys) is "kid speak". I get the biggest kick out of how they interpret words and am always saddened a bit when they finally learn the correct way to say it. One of our favorites for years was "hampakes" for pancakes. Jon should just enjoy it!

Now, if Leta's an adult and says "I seen it" then I have problems. Nothing like an adult using improper terms to grate my nerves.

Forget the freezer, "I SAWL Jon's crocs in the trash!"

My 5 year old corrected my pronunciation of CRAYON yesterday. I just may market my own brand of Crowns, and they will be prettier than stupid ol" CRAYONS. So there.

I'm not commenter #44, I'm another Kim, but I'm with Jon on the hair tearing and the hatred of bad pronunciation. Nip it in the bud now before it becomes a habit!!

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!! The ongoing pronunciation argument at our house revolves around "Don" - male name, "Dawn" - female name, and "dawn" - when the sun comes up. THEY DON'T ALL SOUND THE SAME!!! Unless of course you are my husband and daughter - ARGH!!!! I completely understand AWWWWW, AWWWWWW, AWWWWW!!!!!

Ahhhhh Jon, whatever happened to picking your battles? If I correct every single grammar mistake that my children say, I would probably loose all my hair.

Oh, Jon you will think about this moment tonight. In bed.

Did you check Coco's, uh, leavings?

Did you soak them in water first?

Dooce, let me start by saying I have the love for you, your blog, and all that is DOOCE.

I do believe, however, that the toy you and your readers are referring to are 'Fashion Polly'(A sort of Polly Pocket spin-off). There was many a sad Easter or Christmas at my house when ol' Santa or Mr. Bunny would surprise my sister with Polly Pocket only to find out that the dressable Polly's are of another species entirely.

My sister once stuck a tiny Polly shoe up her tiny nostril. Would have made a good blog, I'm sure.

Mattel has had some recalls lately. My office is located near their corporate... There is apparently lead in everything that is fun for kids. Just a heads up ~ Polly's were affected as well. Well, we all played with these toys growing up, and we turned out alright...

Take care, Heather!

What color is that shoe she is looking for? I raised three daughters, the last one is 15. Two are grown and gone. We moved out of our big house years ago and have downsized many times since then, and I swear I still come across Polly Pocket shoes and accessories!

There is probably a Polly Pocket replacement website, so you should ask them if they "sawl" any of her shoes on their inventory list.

Or maybe there's a children's toy black market where there's another little girl who will trade just the right Polly Pocket shoe for a the second wine glass she needs for her Barbie kitchenette.

Too funny. ... and your prior post yesterday, about Leta's launch into four-dom was your best yet.

I ran this one by my linguist husband and here's what he had to say regarding Leta's use of "sawl":

The verb [see] is an irregular verb in its past tense form [saw] and its perfective participle form [have seen]. Children learn irregular verb forms around the age of
four or five. Correcting them will not help, this is something they just learn. What has happened here is that Leta has tried to regularize the verb with the productive past tense morpheme [-ed]. This would give us either [seed] or if she is currently learning the irregular paradigm we sometimes hear [sawed]. This is what Leta is trying to do (produce [sawed]) but she hasn't closed off the airflow in her mouth enough to do this. So there are two production errors here: the first is with morphology (the [-ed] ending) and the second is in trying to pronounce the
[d] in this ending. Her tongue is moving from making an [w] sound (a bilabial glide) to trying to make a [d] (a alveolar voiced stop) but hrt mouth didn't
constrict the airflow enough and she produced a [l] (an alveolar liquid). Not to worry, these things correct themselves.

********************

BTW, he fully supports you on "crayon."

What disturbs me far more than Leta's loving inclusion of the letter L is this notion:

That Coco might eat Polly's shoe, poop it out, eat the poop, poop it out... in a vicious cycle until Leta happens to notice a small pastel piece of footwear sticking out of a dogpile in the backyard... and maybe insist that it be recovered? Or maybe she'll banish Coco from the family forever. Perhaps you should start a therapy savings account now / arrange a safe house for the (stinking cute) dog should these events conspire.

Hope you got them wet first.

I think that in those books you buy (or make) to document things like baby's first word, baby's first tooth, baby's lock of hair, etc - there should be a place for baby's first swear word - it happens to everyone - and I bet you chuckled a bit! I know I would/will when it happens to me! I will chuckle and try to stifle my laughter before trying to explain why that word is bad.

As long as she never says irregardless.

Or says literally when she's speaking figuratively ("I LITERALLY died!" Um, no, you didn't. If you did, you wouldn't be telling me this witty little story, now would you?)

Love these reminders that life, even in the Dooce household, is not perfect!

And, am I wrong or isn't "Dad have you saw my Polly Pockets shoe?" almost as bad as "Dad have you sawl my Polly Pockets shoe?" Just wondering.....

Just so you know, Polly Pockets were invented by the Nazis as a form of torture for unsuspecting parents.

However, now is a good time to teach Leta the joy of unmatched shoes.

Being the mom of two boys, girls toys freak me out. I really want to know why they can't make Bratz shoes removable vs having to take off THE WHOLE FOOT. Yikes!!!!

In my culture (Spanish/Mexican-American) all the men in my family refer to it as "throwing a fart". Example: "Oh, I just threw a fart." Exposing your kids to different cultures is important. Teach her that and we'll see what Jon has to say. :)

I'm convinced that Polly Pockets were created by the DEVIL just to annoy the parents who constantly have to clean them up or search for some piece of ridiculously sized clothing article!!
Jon sounds like my mom, she is always freaking out on my kids about grammar and most of the time they have no idea what she means either? She repeats them and they repeat her and it turns into the most obnoxious game ever!!

LOL!
Actually we are sticklers for speech in our house.
When my 9 year old son emerges from brushing his teeth, his last chore of the evening, he says, "I'm all ready for bad."
We say, "Bad? Well that sounds like trouble."
When he starts an explanation for anything he says, "Wool, he was..."
We say, "Wool? How does a fabric figure into this story?"

Eh, Leta's four. She'll figure it out. Someday soon, she will be at that age where she makes fun of the way John speaks. I don't have kids yet, but I sure had fun making fun of my parents as a teenager, especially when I discovered that "wash" shouldn't be pronounced "worsh" or "fresh" as "fraysh". Lovey Kansas accent my mother's got!

how come i hadn't thought of husband underwear in the freezer before?! good thing he doesn't read this blog, because he's going to be in for a nice little surprise the next time he pisses me off :)

I think you outta chuck one of those Polly Pocket shoes his way and then holler at him, "Betcha didn't seed that comin'"

Sawl is better than ain't. And crayon is totally forgivable. At least she's talking, right?

He sounds like a treat.

Seriously, these posts are the reason I fell in love with you. The very first post of yours that I ever read was the one about Wii starbits on Mario Galaxy, and I called my husband and said, We are moving to Utah because I just found my soul mate.

From one English major to another...Polly Pocket is a raging bitch, isn't she?

Just don't let her say, "I seen him the other day at the park." *nails down the chalkboard*

I just recently cleaned the shower floor with my husband, Candy Ass', toothbrush.

And yes, you read that correctly: I CLEANED THE SHOWER. See. Small miracles do happen.

Ahh, Polly Pockets. With two little girls, we have had more than our fair share pass through our house. And my youngest has had a piece pass through her BODY. Yes, she pooped out a Polly Pocket bathing suit bottom when she was about a year old. I take great pleasure in vacuuming up Polly's shoes and other small accessories. I'd vaccum her up if I thought it would not tear up the vacuum.

We moved to the Gulf Coast from the midwest some years ago when my husband was in the Coast Guard. I remember how I could actually feel the locals' drawl go into my ears, crank around, and get translated in my brain. Weirdest thing. I knew they were speaking English -- somehow.

Lots of laughing over here! Chilly undies, frisky John I'm thinking.

The Tart
; *

Yea for Leta using shit correctly! (that doesn't sound right; oh, well-- at least she's not eating it).

My father has this weird Milwaukee accent and pronounces roof "ruf", and sorry "saury". My parents have been together since 1970, and my mother has yet to break him of the talking weird habit.

And here I thought this was going to end with Jon at the proctologist for removal of a very tiny shoe.

I think I just died from a laughter aneurysm. (I can't believe I spelled that correctly on the first try.)

I'll never forget the day my 6-year old said, "That car had better move their gas guzzling ASS!"

I nearly drove off the road.

WTG, Leta!

You are so not kidding about those damn PP shoes. My 4yo just got her first Polly Pocket for her birthday and I am already over the shoes on/shoes off business. I can only imagine the drama if one of her rubbery green espadrilles went missing.

I think we need to see a video of Leta pronouncing "sawl" and you saying "crayon." Looking forward to it!

I agree --- VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, so comments were closed on your last entry, but i wanted to say something because i know you've spent a lot of time defending yourself against people's negative comments about "mommy-bloggers." not only is your blog completely entertaining, i think it is also really helpful to other moms. and your last entry was just phenomenal. i think that leta will read this in the future and see what a beautiful love letter this blog is to her.

Alison from comment 117 it totally right and I wanted to back her up on this one - you are a big help to a lot of moms out there who do a fantastic job with their kids and their lifes but need a little break and a little laugh. I always feel kind of happy when I see my wife checking this blog because I know she'll get a good laugh and a good read.

And Alison is right about Leta - it's going to amaze her one day.

Trying to find one of those Polly Pocket shoes is as useless as trying to steal blocked internet. If by chance you do complete 'said' impossible task, the odds of you keeping it your possession is pretty much slim to none. Why do they make things that small? That item is just begging to be removed from a nostril.

Gotta say I loved the reference to using an obscenity in proper context.

My family was visiting my sister's family last year, and between the two of us talking, we had slipped into some bad habits while catching up, lots of f*** in the conversation.

After we had all gone out to eat, I took my daughter (then 4 1/2) out for some fresh air. I was teasing her a little with nonsense talk (stuff like "Maybe we should order a baked volkswagon for dinner?") and she laughed, looked me right in the eye, and said "Mom, quit f*cking with me."

Whoops! I managed not to laught out loud... just barely.

And we really reigned in the language after that... once I was realized kindergarten was 6 months away and the teachers weren't going to find it nearly as funny as I did!

Oh.Now.Come.OYN. Grammar is important! LOL
I am the mom of a daughter who has TOO MANY Polly pocket dolls! *cries*

I saw someone say crown intead of crayon on tv the other day, and it wasn't even you! Imagine the horror! :D

Undies in the freezer! Love it!

My five year old son has the "cursing in context" thing down just fine. Last summer he and I were riding in a car with my mother when she hit the brakes suddenly, causing his toys to slide off his lap. He, very appropriately, said "Well, dammit!" just as he has hear me do pretty much every day of his life. Mom didn't even bother to correct him; she just reached over and popped ME on the back of the head.

Commenter Sarah, who commented about telling Leta that Polly was ditching shoes - OMG I lolled all over the place at that one.

Heather, the Month 52 newsletter was great. I hope I remember it if I have kids and they turn out to be like that, and me, because I can be like that too. Just listen... whinge and cry it out... then face it.

PS Is your human visitor checker some kind of weird universe divining instrument? It always seems to pick up on my day in a weird way. This time it's 'overseas off'... I handed in an application for a job overseas yesterday... stop it, freaky human visitor checker!

well, it DOES get hot in slc around this time of year.

i'll take brisk balls over a box of "crowns" any day.

jon, i'm with you brother! long live the cray-on!

Polly Pockets are so... pizzazzy.

I sawl the new masthead. I LOVE IT!!!

When our four-year-old daughter was about 18 months, she started saying "Oh, crap," in a really sad tone, mimicking what I would say every time I was annoyed or upset about something. I just ignored it and quickly stopped saying it in front of her. After a couple of weeks, she stopped saying saying it as well. Then about six months later, we were at the supermarket and as I was lifting her out of the cart, the cart almost hit our car. I muttered "shit!' under my breath (and then thought 'oh shit, here we go.'). But Norah didn't say anything until I strapped her into her seat. When I was about to shut the door and get in the car, she looked at me and said, "Mom?" When I looked at her and said yes, she replied, "oh crap!" I howled all the way home!

Another related story: Norah used to pronounce "because", "but-o-cause." I too was an English major, but I never corrected it because I loved that she made that word her own. Once she started preschool, she quickly learned the correct pronunciation and it made me sad that she no longer said it her way. She still pronounces "except", "buh-sept" and I have no intention of correcting her. She will learn the "right" way soon enough and I know I will miss it when she no longer pronounces words that are uniquely hers!

Heather, I am a first time poster, but I have loved your blog for years. You always manage to make me smile, if not laugh out loud.

My oldest daughter used to say that and I gave up trying to correct her. It's totally pointless - and besides, once she grew out of it, I found myself missing her little mispronunciations.

I LOVE your blog and you're doing an awesome job. But I am with Jon on this one, especially since Crayon is pronounced CRAYON..not crown. But each to his own, right? So, did Leta end up finding the shoes? :o)

lol. too funny.
kids *want* to get their words right. that is ofcourse, when they *want* to. and this does not sound like one of those times.

1) My 6 year old still says SAWL. I still correct her - so don't give up hope.

2) For those who don't know, a Polly shoe will, without harm, pass through the entire digestive system and come out unchanged. What you do with it then is up to you. I leave it to your imagination as to how I know this...

Adam

Last summer my almost 2-year-old niece ate one of her almost 4-year-old sister's Polly Pocket skirts (it was pink) and we had no choice but to sit and wait for it to reappear. Needless to say, Polly never wore that skirt again.

A friend of mine - when her daughter would receive Barbi dolls for Christmas or whenever - would immediately confiscate the shoes. She told me the other day that her daughter didn't realize Barbis came with shoes until she was 10 years old. Very funny, Heather. Thanks.

The Masthead!!!

BAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAsnorrtttBWAHAHAHAHAAA!!

My boyfriend likes chilled underwear. What other forms of retaliation are there?

Hi! :) I'm a lurker, and I L.O.V.E. your blog.

I'm a Canadian who married a guy from San Fransisco. We live in Texas with our two Texan sons (ages 11 and 8). I also happen to be a speech therapist. I used to work with kids (articulation, etc.), and I can't even tell you how many children I made say "cray-on" instead of "crown" --- until I realized (was told by a mom) that "crown" is how many people say it down here. I was mortified that I had been making my little speech-impaired victims change the pronunciation of words they'd learned that way (there were other words, too). Also? My 8 year old says "crown"...then looks at me and says it *my* way, to head me off before I correct him. Ugg. He, too, says "sawl" for "saw." I don't know where that one came from because we don't say it that way, nor does anyone else I know, but maybe it's just developmentally easier to put an "L" on the end? No, it's not really, so I guess I can't explain it.

Make sure you read all this the way it was typed: with a Canadian/Texan accent.

No idea about the Polly Pocket shoes, though.

When I was a child I would steal the plastic shoes from my sister's Barbies and chew on them, much like one chews on the nubbins from the ends of Bic pens (assuming others do that also). They had a real nice chewiness about them.

All I'm saying is, do you have another slightly older male child that, I don't know, you keep locked under the stairs and don't ever talk about because he's a wizard, or something? It could happen, I've read somewhere...

I swear, here in Ohio, I hear people say "sawl" all of the time. Could your daughter secretly be from Ohio?

Oh, why was I eating tomato soup when I read that? My world is now much redder, but much funnier. I understand, and y'all are a hoot.

well, if it gets really hot tomorrow (which seems unlikely with the recent snow talk, and by recent i mean last 30 days)...he's prepared.

OMG!! That was hilarious!!!! I could just picture that as scene from a sitcom!!! As for the underwear in the freezer??? That's a good one. But i think I like Lola's idea better!

I am so glad my husband and I aren't the only ones who have silly arguments. My husband corrects me every time I say "roof". B/c I pronounce it "ruf". And I say "crayun". So don't feel bad (not that you did in the first place). :)
As for the Polly Pockets...good luck with that. Hopefully by the time my daughter is 4 they will be out of vogue again. Stupid things. They irked me as a kid b/c they were SO! TINY! and would never stand up straight in their little teeny weeny houses. Always falling down, making me try in vain to stand them back up. *tic tic tic* My Little Ponies are much cooler. And easier to keep up with. And cuter. Surely you could find a princess MLP. Maybe that would lessen the obsession with the Pollies.
Oh, and the June masthead rocks.

Just yesterday I was talking to my 2 year old about the green crayon she was busy coloring with. And she looked up at me with this totally bewildered face and said "I don't have a green crayon." So I point it out to her. And she says, "Silly Mommy! That's not a crown! It's a crayon! Silly Mommy."

Oh sweet Jeebus. That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!

Note to self: remember undies-in-the-freezer trick.

Just be lucky that those polly pocket dolls aren't Chinese with them bound feet. Imagine the size of those!

You've got to admit the way you say C.R.A.Y.O.N. is whacked. And yes, you can reply with "Who asked you?" Teehee

when my brother was little he had trouble pronouncing the letter r in words. my grandfather's favorite thing to do when we went out to dinner was to steal my brother's fork causing him to scream out "i need a fuck!" he was an awesome dude.

how does leta feel about barbies? i've got about 50 from when i was a kid with all the clothes and accesories i would be happy to send your way. at least the shoes are bigger.

My husband works out of the house. He has little contact with people during the day. He is starting to speak in a strange way. Yesterday we went out to eat and he ordered "Zhrings" translation, "Onion Rings". I'm not worried yet. I love him, but sometimes he makes me crazy. When he calls me at work asking me if I "sawl" his underwear in the freezer...I'll tell him he's not alone.

As always, I appreciate your whit... with an h... have you ever heard people who say why...or where and really pronounce the h... so irritating. Anyhoo...Yesterday, my two year old son grabbed one of his trains that he couldn't get to stay on the track, threw it to the ground and yelled, F*ck! I swear the pain from the soda blasting through my nose was almost as painful as stifling my laugh. I immediately called my husband and told him he would only have supervised visits with his son and under no circumstances could they do home repairs or play video games together. My mother will kick my ass if she hears him drop the f bomb again!

Interesting post!

Thank you for that slice o' genius. I needed it today!

By the way....I think Chuck is the Most Awesome Dog Ever. I have to constantly stop myself before reaching out and actually petting my computer screen, scratching it under its chin, and calling it "a cute widdle boy."

These recent pictures of Leta--who, by the way, is wonderfully photogenic!!--caused a similar reaction! I ask you: is it hard to live in a house with so much cuteness? How do you get anything done???

I'm still sending happy healing thoughts to your stepfather.

The word sawl makes my ears bleed. I would much rather have her say 'crown,' which also drives me up the wall. Or worsh. Or crick for creek. SAWL is EEVIL, I don't blame Jon. And through my scrolling, I didn't see much Jon support so I thought I'd post lol.

Congrats on shit in the proper context! LOL!

Heather,
My daughter also went through the Polly "hell" Pocket phase at about the same age...still have "all" of the little boogers...minus some shoes. I will gladly send them all to you since this "phase" will only last about one more year when she decides she likes "brats". And then I have a bunch of that crap I can send you too! Because not only do they have regular "brats" they have ultra smaller than Polly Pocket "brats" (minus some shoes of course)!

Oh, you warm my heart! Wonderful post, Heather.

Polly Pockets should be outlawed...
Have you ever accidentally stepped on one of those teeny-tiny little shoes?
The pain can only be compared to stepping on a nail... or a lego (which should also be on the banned toy list)
And the next words you blurt out whilst jumping around, might not be on the approved G-Rated list, but MAY include "Did you sawl what just happened?!!!"

;)
Jackie

PS - Frozen underwear....BRILLIANT!

That so completely hit the spot!!

Guess what? I throw away the shoes immediately. I don't even take them out of the packaging. All 3 of my girls think Polly Pocket just comes barefoot.

I vividly remember the debate bewteen my Tennessee-raised mom and British dad about whether one walks up a "heel" or a "hill". They raised us in Georgia, so "heel" it was.

Now my fiance' is from Pittsburgh and I giggle everytime he says he says to "Cut it aaaahhht!" or that he's going "dahntahn." So what if I color with "crowns" and am "fixin' to" do something.

I just laughed yesterday when I told my kids to put away their "crans"...I tried to say it "crown", but it didn't flow off my tongue right.