• Hayley

    Well apparently Jon and I have enough in common that we’d prefer the iphone to sex. In fact, in my panic to get one asap I almost risked never have sex EVER AGAIN. Let’s just say the line was long and painful and I had to promise several massages and one sided pleasures to make sure our relationship made it through.

    ANYWAY, I wanted to comment on the Daily Chuck! HOLY CRAP! I thought I was the only person on the planet that knew who the hell Kula Shaker was. Thanks for that little trip in time. Now I have to decided if I want to download it onto my new iphone 3g this morning. :P

    You rock, as always.

  • http://habitual.wordpress.com Creature of Habit


    I almost choked on my morning tea, this was hilarious. She sounds like my stepmother.

  • http://llamamomma.blogspot.com Llama Momma

    My god, girl. You make me laugh.

    Thank you for that.

  • Tara

    My dad is way less classy than the Avon World Sales Leader (he offers us fresh roadkill for dinner when we come to visit, and he’s only half joking), but they’d have a lot in common on the political front. I wish I had enough vacation time to go visit him before the November election, JUST so I could wear my Obama t-shirt and watch him explode. Maybe I could sell tickets to the show.

    And I must get my hubby an iPhone, if it has those kinds of magical powers. Momma needs some sleep.

  • l0vesummertime

    Cracking up right now, and sent the link to this page directly to my husband. He is one of those iPhone obsessed males twittering constantly, who I’m sure would trade in sex for the possibility of an iPhone. He’s “making due” with his iPod touch in the mean time…

  • http://www.freefallingtoday.blogspot.com dkwarner1@bellsouth.net

    Dooce’s Mom Rocks!

  • http://lowercholesterolreview.com Vasacor

    Your mom rocks… than Bush, more liberal

  • http://frettingthesmallstuff.typepad.com andrea

    Hysterical! I forgot about the Tribune vs. Desseret News wackiness. I think I should send your mom the Burlington Free Press from Vermont then she could flip me off too.

  • http://www.csquaredplus3.typepad.com Chris

    We live in Alpine, UT – conservative – like, bland and bland with nothing on it. We too get the SLC Tribune which is almost blasphemous down here. We were just in Colorado vacationing and asked a neighbor to pick up the paper for us so as not to alert all the naughty teenagers in our neighborhood that we were out of town (you know, the ones who spray paint the word “dildo” on your garage door). I told the neighbor she could read it if she wanted. I’m certain she used tongs to pick up and dispose of it.

    I really love my neighbors – it’s fun being the lone non-member… AND, I’ve read “the book” TWICE. I’m good.

  • http://www.piecrustpromises.com Dana

    Wow…if I was you…I would have opened the car door, reached in, and hugged the crap out of her…I might have even cried a little…and then I would have told her how proud I was of her for finally joining the dark side.

    I need to get a copy of that paper…if my mom ever flipped me off I could stop wondering if I was adopted and finally been secure in the knowledge that somewhere, deep down inside, we shared “The Bird Gene.”

  • http://soonthebandwagon.blogspot.com Tasty

    I love when you write about the Avon World Sales Leader. Your love for her positively sparkles… especially while poking a bit of fun — it’s some great writing.

  • Andi

    And so now, in your own special and hilarious way, you’re flipping her the bird right back! That’s so sweet I got all verklempt and teary eyed just thinkin’ about it. Me thinks your mom rocks.

    My husband wouldn’t accept the iPhone over sex, of this I am sure. He doesn’t check email or text at all, unless I text him something dirty. As far as I know all he uses the internet for is to check the weather and to dream of his own personal wind farm and look at rifles and tractors. Now that I think about it, he might accept a new rifle or windmill over sex. But not an iPhone.

  • http://rivetergirl.blogspot.com Robin

    I love that your conservative mom feels flipping you the bird is an appropriate response. Awesome. I hope my daughter and I have that kind of relationship someday …

  • http://www.drammac.blogspot.com/ Marrdy

    Love your mom!! A sweet little mormon grandma flipping the bird! Priceless.

  • http://www.walkinginmysleep.com Walking In My Sleep

    He, He!!!… Sex, iPhone and Flipped off by Mom. What a day.

  • http://daytontime.blogspot.com Pamela

    We taught my mother to flip us off about seven years ago, and it was a major milestone in her VERY crimson life. She is now starting to become comfortable with flipping us off, and has even started practicing on my auntie. Who flips her right back. It’s beautiful.

  • http://yota1.com Randy

    As a man I can say the phone would not take the place of sex – but it would be better than nothing.

    As for mom flipping you off I think I could see my ultra conservative mother flipping me off as well though I don’t think she has.

  • Liz

    Ummm… is it wrong for me to say that your mother exhausts me?

  • June

    You are seriously fall-down-funny. I HEART DOOCE DOT COM.

  • http://whymomdrinksrum.blogspot.com/ Why Mom Drinks Rum

    Lol, you and your mother remind me of the characters in a book I just read. It’s called the Owl & Moon Cafe


    I look forward to the stage where I can flip off my daughter (to her face).

    Hubby saw someone with the IPhone at the theatre last night. He licked the man’s neck. True story.

  • http://duckandpenguin.blogspot.com/ norm

    Thinking of you and Coco …

  • Jammer

    Wow…..What a post!! Still laughing over it.
    Your Mom has moxie!!!
    Iphone over sex???
    Wife and I have been married almost 21 years.
    When she says or hints at sex I’m there in a shot!!!
    No way I would pass her over in favor of an electronic toy.
    But the phone would be good to order pizza with after the ACT!!!!

  • http://www.becomningsomething.typepad.com Natasha

    Oh COME ON, people. She would not have to confess to her bishop for something as small as that. Only God.

    I think Canada should swap half our Mormons for Utah Mormons. There needs to be some leveling off of self-righteousness. A paper that endorses Dubbya is too liberal?!

    I imagine that the only reason you’re able to handle it, Heather, is because you can just laugh at everyone. I would feel… I don’t know. I think I’d go to my Bishop and ask for the calling wherein I can turn everyone into normal, averagely indignant Mormons.


  • http://www.billygean.co.uk billygean

    My brother in law is uber Conservative and I struggle not to bring up politics with him. I got mono in January and have been in bed every since (my blog certainly makes for interesting obsessive compulsive reading since this gives you way too much time to think!), and he thinks I shouldn’t get benefits even though I was a lawyer before. Indeed since he believes in the death penalty and DOESN’T believe in criminal defense lawyers, I have a hard time talking about anything with him.

    So: kudos (is that what you say in america?) to you for having reached a peaceful kind of piss taking balance.


    PS. In England we call sex SHAGGING. My american readers think this is a good word to describe women’s feelings on it.

  • http://thehokeypokeyiswhatitsallabout.blogspot.com/ Sharon

    I have to admit to occasional use of the bird in the direction of my children. So far it hasn’t seemed to warp them.

    Do you think it would be bad if I got my husband an iPhone for our anniversary?

  • http://phhhst.blogspot.com/ phhhst

    Funny as ever. Now I can get ready for work with a smile on my face.

    But my mom could take your mom hands down.

    So, I think a trade is on the table.

  • Single Mom in New England

    I lived in SLC for a year and loved it when the Salt Lake Tribune (is it still owned by a Catholic family?) would run stories about the polygamous households outside of SLC. You could smell the discomfort in the air on those perfect grid-like streets.

  • http://www.keepsakes-etc.com/habigi1.html Birthday

    Birthday celebrations are a grand thing. Keep the IPHONE out of the equation.

    Happy birthday.

  • Romesick

    “Now if I could just get her to hose off my rifle in the driveway I’d be the luckiest man ALIVE!!”

    That sounds dirty. :)

  • rajani

    It’s tiring, that for some reason, everyone equates owning a gun (“hose off your rifle in your own driveway”) to being a Republican/conservative. If we’re going to use that logic, people who wear Teva sandals must be Democratic/Liberal?

    I live on both sides of that fence, so what does that make me? I can tell you that some of my politics (not all) would blow your stereotype out of the water.

    (Just an aside: I’d never hose off my rifle in my driveway because yes, it does waste water, but even more so, all that water would rust the shit out of it).

    Love your blog, even when it pisses me off. ;)

  • http://www.bkimrey1.wordpress.com beep

    i’m with #36- rake. i believe watching you and your mom interact would be a full night’s entertainment. throw in the little dog and her intestinal problems and you can charge cover. that’s almost better than t-shirt sales

  • http://www.melissa-hetherington.blogspot.com Mel Heth

    Oh you’re a brave, brave woman for continuing to live in Utah. I would’ve drown myself in Salt Lake a long time ago…

  • Cathy Y

    Okay. So is that the shade of red on her birdie finger?

  • BrowneyedGirlScout

    These are the moments that make us giggle. If my Mom were still here, she would wave her middle finger at me and call me a “Little Shit.” Do little shits grow up to be big shits?

  • http://www.bosssanders.com Ashley

    Heh. Your mom kind of reminds me of my Grams. Lots of spunk, and lots of flipping off – except she calls it the Wurth wave (last name = Wurth).

    On a second note, I’m pretty sure my husband wouldn’t settle for an iPHONE OR sex. He doesn’t understand why he can’t have both on his birthday AND breakfast in bed.

    In fact, guess what I’m getting for my birthday? A moped. For his lazy ass. Thoughtful, right? (Sidenote: He says it’s NOT a moped, it’s a motorscooter. Whatever.)

  • http://goaliej54.livejournal.com Jessica

    I don’t get people at all. Liberals are the ones living what Jesus taught (don’t judge other people, help one another — and I am pretty sure today He would say don’t play with guns, and take care of the earth). Conservatives are the ones turning people away from religion with their hypocrisy. No offense to your mom, though. I like Avon… esp. that Skin So Soft stuff. :) I just think I’ll stay here in New England.

  • Bonkersmomof4

    Your mom must be having flashbacks of Memphis traffic to be flipping the bird so easily! Hilarious!

  • http://thoughtsfromthedeepend.net Jackie

    Your mom sounds like a hoot!!
    I wish my mom was still around to give me the finger!!
    (although that really wasn’t her style..)


  • Mary

    Aren’t there many Avon World Sales Leaders? This always confuses me.

  • Michael

    Does one “celebrate [a] birthday to the fullest” in Utah as elsewhere? With a cake and candles and ice cream and a Netflix movie? Me too!

    And, yes, indeed, there are places in This Great Land of Ours where GWB really is too liberal. but in January he will be too gone and good riddance.

    Obama ’08!

  • http://www.thisweekinphilly.com Misty

    See, I like you and all, but your Mom is who I want to get trashed, you just know she’s been holding everything in for 50 or so years, waiting to let her guard down with someone she can trust, someone she’ll never see again. Let’s make this happen.

  • http://doingduluthmn.blogspot.com Debbie

    Hosing off your gun with water from Lake Superior…let’s piss off as many people as possible here people…

  • Jen in OR

    The effect that you have had on your Mother’s life is spec-fucking-tacular!!

  • anonymous

    OMH! That’s so hysterical! Utah Mormons are much different than Mormons elsewhere.

  • http://thotlady.com thotlady

    I think I might like Salt Lake City.

  • trashalou

    Why does Bonnie #38 want to have sex with an i-phone? Plus your mum sounds like a hoot!

    Also loving that my ReCAPTCHA words are ‘Trophy Relative’. Which one of you is it?

  • http://themagpiessong.blogspot.com/ Christy

    She sounds like someone I’d like to meet except that I find it hard to tell salespeople NO in person and I might find myself knee deep in Skin So Soft and holiday appropriate tubes of lip balm.

    Actually, maybe I could borrow her once in awhile to flip the bird to said door-to-door salespeople? Hmmmm??

  • http://www.cboom.blogspot.com LindzML

    Man, I wish my mom flipped me the bird. Instead I get a 25 minute lecture on how G-Dub is saving the world, one grain of sand at a time. And then my father e-mails me an hour long sermon on whatever issue is threatening conservatism today. Or, this hour.

  • http://www.digitalcatharsis.com the mighty jimbo

    you should send her a case of hemp body butter from the body shop.

    and a vegan cookbook.

    and a copy of “it takes a village.”

    you know, just to keep things interesting.