• lee

    Man, you have a lot of acolytes. I admire your moxy, but something about these photos makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. Sort of shock value-ish. But, no doubt, you are an interesting woman. And a good writer.

  • http://hootenannie.com hootenannie


    You are my favorite person on the entire internet, ever.

  • Emily

    You crack me up. Haha. Those pictures are AWESOME.

  • Kat

    (LOL) This is awesome!! :D

  • Joy101378

    Funniest. Shit. Ever.

    Heather, please marry me.

  • http://www.notoldjustseasoned.blogspot.com Plano Mom

    BWAAAHHAAAHAAHAAAHAAA! This is one of my favorite posts! Did you actually buy a whole six pack of Pabst for that photo, or do you guys actually DRINK that crap?!

  • http://www.mandinka.etsy.com Mandinka

    I think I saw you buying a carton of smokes at the Qik-n-EZ the other night.

  • bug_mama

    I’m a week behind you and I really appreciate the fact that I repeatedly read your posts and think “Thank god, someone else is going through that. It’s not just in my head.”

    PS: Maternity belts help with sciatic pain. Giant elastic and velcro belts FTW.

  • Mike C

    Why are there pictures of Britney Spears on here?

  • Lee

    OMG you are too damn funny….but look strangely like one of my aunts, if you were about 40 yrs older…..
    I just wanted to say that,when I saw the second picture, all I could think of was the fact that, given the right angle and the proper placement of some Sharpie pen, your belly could be a really cool Japanese Kabuki mask…
    just sayin…..
    btw–my aunt says the chocolate donuts go better with the PBR….
    you people are too goddamn cute

  • Shelly

    I love the beer in the waistband.

    You’re almost there. Whether you feel it or not, you actually look terrific.

  • http://beetricks.wordpress.com/ beetricks

    Well, I for one am not happy coming across this photo at 7.45am. I had a mouthful of chocolate milk which is not sprayed on my keyboard and dripping out my nose. Not. Good.


  • http://www.aandedijk.com Rachel

    Well done, Heather!

  • JHud

    best preggo post yet! good work.

  • http://laurenfromtexas.com Lauren From Texas

    Unfortunately, not such an uncommon site in many parts of East Texas. You are HILARIOUS. :) Can’t wait to see that baby girl!

  • http://librainfrance.blogspot.com A Seattleite in Paris

    Hilarious photos! I almost fell off my chair.

  • Tricia

    I was trying to figure out how your bathroom tiles managed to get tattooed on your butt… the park bench ending is hilarious! So glad it turned out to be the powdered donuts’ fault and not anything more serious. ;)

    We spent most of the weekend terrified that my husband has oral cancer, due to a sudden large lump on the inside of his lower lip. And I do mean large– the size of a marble; he couldn’t drink his coffee without dribbling down his shirt. Well, after a Sunday trip to the emergency care clinic, some fervent online research and scheduling an appointment with an oral surgeon, he walks up to me early this morning and says, “hey honey, guess what came out of that bump? A whisker!” Thank God.

  • jessica

    second picture is the hottest beer ad EVER.

  • http://www.ohthatissogay.com Jennifer

    I nearly laughed ’til I cried. Those pictures remind me of a doll I once saw called “Trailer Trash Barbie.” The box read, “My daddy says I’m the best kisser on the block!”

    Too cute Doll Face, too cute!

  • http://mommaruthsays.blogspot.com mommaruthsays

    If more pregnant women had the sense of humor to take maternity shots like this, then the world would be a lot less tight-assed :)
    thanks, dooce!

  • http://erinstar.blogspot.com Mrs Cox

    PBR and donettes…friggin’ classic. You so rock.

  • http://taplinwebdesign.com.au website design in adelaide

    Those images scared me at first. I thought, well that’s it, she finally lost it. But, to be honest, I wasn’t surprised.

    Great work Heather. Every day is a laugh. Love your work.


  • http://www.lorimagno.com Lori Magno

    This may be my favorite post ever – and I’ve been reading since 2002!

    Fingers crossed, prayers going up and all sorts of well wishes for a smooth and happy delivery! (And then gallons of tequila!)


  • Liz

    I went as pregnant white trash for Halloween a few years ago – had the red lips, and the cig (as well as a tube top with a regular bra, and Daisy Duke overalls), but not the PBR tallboy (lots of booze though, I was in a bar) or the Donettes. You are amazing!

  • do2na

    Oh to have been in the convenience store when you waddled in to buy the pack of smokes and the single PBR tall boy — just to see the look on clerk’s face. priceless.

    love the hair.

  • the niffer

    OMFG you are hilarious.

  • http://www.growninmyheart.com Sabrina

    HA HA HA!! oh my gawd, this is priceless!!!!!!!

  • KimPossible

    YOWZA – BEST FRIGGING PICTURES EVER! I would love to be a fly on the wall the day your daughters sit down to look at family photo albums together and those are waiting for them – hilarious!

  • http://bethmann15.blogspot.com beth

    I just peed my pants. YOU. ARE. AWESOME.

  • http://tinyapple.wordpress.com katie

    awesome awesome pics. so fantastically awesome. respect you and your kahones for posting them here!!

    hexagonal butt markings? maybe your body is telling you you should have dealt with the wait and ordered more hexagonal tiles for the bathroom floor! bwahahahaha…just kidding :)

  • http://andij1967.wordpress.com Andi

    Awesome pictures, first of all. And your post reminded me of a horrible night I had at 37 weeks. I woke up at 4:00 am with horrible heartburn (which ironically, was not heartburn at all, but my gallbladder), and made my way to the kitchen to get some milk or something to calm it. About halfway there, I passed out from the pain (yes, really) and fell on the living room floor. My husband came out to find me on the floor, and went to get the milk for me (yes he was that helpful). I managed to get up to my knees and pull my large self up with the help of an armchair. When I stood up and began to move, I stubbed my toe on the leg of the chair and tore the pinky nail clean off. My husband stood there with the milk, doing some ridiculous dance because he couldn’t stand the sight of blood. Unfortunately because I couldn’t reach my feet, he had to bandage it for me.

    Oh that was an awesome night. Hope you survive the next few weeks without any more issues!

  • http://3daysinoctober.blogspot.com Jenny

    O dear god. I just fell out of my chair and peed my pants laughing.

  • http://www.alexandrahunt.net alexandra

    best. maternity. photos. EVER.

  • Liesel

    Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. That was AWESOME. My hat is off to you, oh queen of the Internet. I agree with others. You must post the insane emails you get from this.

  • http://hobobabyblog.blogspot.com/ Jennifer W.

    Sweet holy crap, I am now SO excited about the possibility of having a second baby. Tutu’s, cigarette’s, you are having too much fun this time around.

    Also I love that in the 1-1/2 minutes it took me to read this you have 20 + more comments than when I started. You’s be a might popular me’s think.

  • Anonymous

    I see Courtney Love, where’s Heather?

  • http://pagingdoctorlove.blogspot.com/ Lover

    Your empty calories are justified, those things are so yummy. And I’m saying that on a VERY full stomach, so you know I mean it.

    For rashes and things I ALWAYS use palmers cocoa butter lotion products- mostly the straight cocoa butter or the stretch mark lotion. I swear they aren’t paying me under the table to say this. I have eczema, live in Portland/Corvallis (grass seed!) and still manage to have verrrrrry nice skin thanks to that damn lotion. You should try it. That, or Dr. Bronner’s.

  • Lynne

    Freaking hysterical, Heather. PLEASE will you promise to post the VILE hate emails you get on this? Oh pleeeeeease!

    And, Jeri, I agree that Donette is a perfect name. Donette Blue Armstrong. Perfect.

  • Ashley

    HAHAHAHHAHA! That is so freaking hilarious. Just. Peed. Pants. I have gotten “grid butt” before. Not good times, but, still a little funny!

  • Cristina H

    Ok seriously … I LOVE those pictures. Your kids are extremely lucky to have you and Jon as parents.

  • http://www.sapphireblue.com Michelle

    Dude! Is it still called “trolling” if you’re doing it on your own site?

    (No pejorative here, BTW. I fully approve of this crazy-baiting, no matter what name you call it by. Just please tell me that PBR wasn’t chilled, because I’m all squirmy and goosebumpy and ticklish just looking at it.)

  • Ginny


    Tyra would be so proud of the angles on the second picture.

  • Brianne


    p.s. Is that a Pabst Blue Ribbon I spy? AWESOME. :)

  • http://blog.lisa-marie.net lisa-marie

    HA! Those pictures are hilarious! Great job!

  • http://ea-t.blogspot.com Elizabeth

    I almost never post, but I had to this time. Thank you for making my day with this brilliant photo. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.

  • Anonymous

    Do you keep having kids just to maintain the income from a motherhood-related blog? If you didn’t have the blog would you still be having children?

  • http://www.stop-drop-roll-rachel.blogspot.com Rachel

    LOVE the pictures. Absolute perfection! :)

  • Natalia

    Please, please make these pictures go away.

  • Sue Ellen Ewing

    I’d like to add my vote to naming the baby Donette. Either:

    Donette Blue Armstrong (as was already brilliantly suggested)


    Donette Hershey Armstrong

    Thanks for the laughs – now I have to go change my pants.

  • http://orangetangerine.blogspot.com Orange

    Now, why isn’t Smokin’ Drinkin’ Mama showing us her hexagonal ass spots? I guess that would work best with an accompanying tramp-stamp tat.