36 weeks
Last week was the 36th of my pregnancy, and as of this past Sunday I'm officially less than three weeks away from my due date. I can't believe I'm going to go ahead and admit this but, Internet, I've been eating powdered doughnuts THIS WHOLE TIME:
Just think about all those empty calories screwing with the baby's brain development. I know, I know. YOU'VE REALLY CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, ARMSTRONG!
So me and my body are not getting along, or maybe I should say that my body and my brain are not communicating very well and would benefit from a rigorous session of couples therapy. I've got all these ideas and plans in my head, none of them too elaborate or insane, just simple things like the rearrangement of boxes in the garage, and it's like a team of menacing invaders have stationed themselves in various extremities of my body and are conspiring to take me down: ATTENTION! HOST ORGANISM THINKS SHE'S GOING TO LIFT A TOOLBOX. SEND CRIPPLING PAIN FROM HIP TO SHIN.
Once I'm flat on my back they're implementing strategies to keep me in that position, like paralyzing my lower back, seizing the muscles in my abdomen, and cramping both legs. I think they're responsible for the broken pinky toe on my left foot because just yesterday they tried to break the pinky toe on my right one. Like, this crazy woman thinks she's just going to continue on with her life as if nothing ever happened. Fine, alert the team in her right leg to involuntarily kick at every object between here and the front door. COFFEE TABLE HIT! COFFEE TABLE HIT! Did we break any bones? Draw blood? Is there searing pain sending her to the floor? Good work! We'll celebrate when the moaning has reached such a pitch that the spouse has left the house and purposefully driven the car into a tree.
And then last night I was changing into my pajamas when I noticed a giant rash across the lower half of my butt. I have watched enough Discovery Health Channel to know that rashes, especially ones during pregnancy, are not harbingers of good things. It's not like, ooh goodie! A rash! This means I'm going to give birth to a giant basket of Snickers bars! It's more like, uh oh. A rash. Guess I'll get that EMERGENCY C-SECTION I ALWAYS WANTED.
I started to panic and had to contort my body in all sorts of weird positions to get a good look at it in the mirror, and I would not have blamed Jon had he jumped straight through the glass window in our bedroom to escape the abject gore of that kind of self-diagnosis. Hoo boy, if that image isn't an effective form of birth control. Son, put on a condom lest you one day be forced into the same room as an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass.
I had giant hexagonal-shaped spots the color of blood all across my butt, and just as I was about to spiral down that hole of WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, Jon reminded me that we had spent the Memorial Day holiday with my family at a park. And had been sitting for hours at a picnic table whose benches were made of a metal woven in a hexagonal shape. And that perhaps ALL THAT EXTRA WEIGHT I'm carrying caused the blood to pool in such a pattern on my butt. I gently suggested that he rephrase his explanation and strike the word WEIGHT from his vocabulary, or at least resist the temptation to use it in front of his 37-weeks pregnant wife. And while he's at it, how about fetching me that box of Donettes! Also, don't forget that bottle of Hershey's syrup, you know how I like to have something to wash down all that powder.
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Heather talks about Valentine's Day on today's Momversation.
- I know zero about sports, but my entire heart is screaming, "Go Saints! Go Saints!" I am a stereotypical woman. TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, JON!
- Marlo has a tooth! So says the blood that she drew when she grabbed my hand and tried to gnaw off my thumb!
- Leta won't eat her birthday cake. I guess we should have made it out of chicken nuggets and iced it with refried beans.
301. Uma said:
I sure hope that drink wasn't a cold one.
302. Anonymous said:
oh you really are good. you are so good. thank god you're having children.
303. Lauri said:
No wonder Jon loves ya so much....you're every man's fantasy!
Seeing this makes it easy to understand Chuck's persona - if he had opposable thumbs, I'm thinking his paws would be up to his ears and LA LA LA LA LA LA LA would be going off in his head...
You are truly funny...by the way, the red lipstick - totally HOT!
304. Seren said:
I love those pics! But you know that your Mother is going to give you merry heck for them!
305. Beth said:
OMG - I'm laughing so hard I might pee my pants. You are AWESOME!!!
306. Melissa said:
Brilliant!
My doctor did let me know after 36 weeks that it takes something like 4 hours for something you ingest to get to the baby's blood stream. And your metabolism is faster than that for alcohol. She SUGGESTED at that stressful point in my life that a small glass of wine with dinner every night for the last few weeks would make US ALL happier. I complied.
Can't wait to see the new babe!
307. Lauren said:
OMG I love the pics! Reading your blog makes me feel normal about my own pregnancy. And now I'm craving powdered donuts. Thanks! Or maybe my husband should say thanks cuz I'm sending him out later to get me some.
308. Shnerfle said:
OMG that is the best set of pregnancy pix ever! Just the hair is AWESOME, but the beer stuck in the stretchy waistband of your maternity pants is pure genius!
I only wish we could get pix of your new park-bench tattoo...
309. right brained gal said:
I love the humor. It's better than dwelling on the misery of the last few weeks of pregnancy. Glazed donuts were my drug of choice, and my daughter turned out fine. She does have a sweet tooth, though.
310. AmyD said:
One of the all time classics in dooceville! LOVE IT!
311. Carlyjay said:
You are the greatest. Those pictures made my life.
Your kids are so lucky to have someone as hilarious as you for a mom. :)
312. Sarah said:
Dear God, Woman! I just spat diet coke out. Ok, I actually BLEW it right out my nose! With all the carrying on about redecorating, I love ya but that was some boring stuff right there, I was afraid that pregnancy had sucked the humor right out of the website. Much like 5 pregnancies sucked the brains clean out of my pretty little head. This was the best thing I have read in months. I hope you'll keep us updated on the hate mail you will inevitably get about the beer and cigarette. Even though any logical person knows it's a prop I am sure the nutters will be out for this one. HILARIOUS!
313. rb said:
I can't read all of the comments so this may have already been said, but you look like a glamorous female version of John Mellencamp/Cougar circa 1988 in those photos.
314. Molly said:
I think we can turn the internet off forever. Heather wins.
315. Emily said:
You crack me up. Haha. Those pictures are AWESOME.
316. Plano Mom said:
BWAAAHHAAAHAAHAAAHAAA! This is one of my favorite posts! Did you actually buy a whole six pack of Pabst for that photo, or do you guys actually DRINK that crap?!
317. Mike C said:
Why are there pictures of Britney Spears on here?
318. beetricks said:
Well, I for one am not happy coming across this photo at 7.45am. I had a mouthful of chocolate milk which is not sprayed on my keyboard and dripping out my nose. Not. Good.
:)
319. Lauren From Texas said:
Unfortunately, not such an uncommon site in many parts of East Texas. You are HILARIOUS. :) Can't wait to see that baby girl!
320. jessica said:
second picture is the hottest beer ad EVER.
321. Mrs Cox said:
PBR and donettes...friggin' classic. You so rock.
322. Liz said:
I went as pregnant white trash for Halloween a few years ago - had the red lips, and the cig (as well as a tube top with a regular bra, and Daisy Duke overalls), but not the PBR tallboy (lots of booze though, I was in a bar) or the Donettes. You are amazing!
323. Sabrina said:
HA HA HA!! oh my gawd, this is priceless!!!!!!!
324. katie said:
awesome awesome pics. so fantastically awesome. respect you and your kahones for posting them here!!
hexagonal butt markings? maybe your body is telling you you should have dealt with the wait and ordered more hexagonal tiles for the bathroom floor! bwahahahaha...just kidding :)
325. alexandra said:
best. maternity. photos. EVER.
326. Anonymous said:
I see Courtney Love, where's Heather?
327. Ashley said:
HAHAHAHHAHA! That is so freaking hilarious. Just. Peed. Pants. I have gotten "grid butt" before. Not good times, but, still a little funny!
328. Ginny said:
AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!!!!!
Tyra would be so proud of the angles on the second picture.
329. Elizabeth said:
I almost never post, but I had to this time. Thank you for making my day with this brilliant photo. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
330. Natalia said:
Please, please make these pictures go away.
331. J. Bo said:
Best. Pregnancy. Photos. Ever.
332. Tara Newhole said:
VERY Courtney Love. LOVE IT!
333. linlah said:
Not sure if you know this but your trailer trash is showing
334. uncouthheathen said:
That first one reminds me of Bette Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane.
335. The Furry Godmother said:
Those photos are priceless. Will they be framed for the baby's room? The only thing that could have made them better would be some ink of an arrow pointing down from the navel and old english script that reads, "FUN HOUSE".
336. Vinsanity said:
You can take the blogger out of Tennessee, but you will NEVER take the Tennessee out of the blogger!
337. Anonymous said:
O.M.G. You are too awesomely freaking hilarious. I don't know how I ever got through my days without your blog. LOVE the pics! :)
338. kiki said:
blown away by your GENIUS. love it.
339. TamiA said:
Oh my God, I almost fell off of my chair. Effing hilarious!
340. Ren said:
God Heather you are the BEST!!! I am reading your book and filling out the paperwork to put Jon up for saint hood :-) I love you and how you are just brutaly honest and just put it out there! I want to be like you when I grow up (OK so my kids are 20 and 17), but I still want to be like you when I grow up! No fear and no holding back! Thank you for being you.
341. beyond said:
nice white trash look! did you let leta play dress-up too? sorry your body is giving you a hard time. you still look beautiful, of course. i can think of a couple of women who looked as big as you do now beginning their 7th month of pregnancy.
ps: in europe, women will have a glass of wine or a small beer while they are pregnant and nobody lectures them...
342. Katie said:
Heather will you be my mom????? Sure, I'm 26 and already have a pretty great mom but you are just the coolest.
343. April said:
Heather,
The pictures are awesome. I think they should be used as blackmail pics as your child grows up.
344. Aspen said:
Nice! Love me some white trash mama photos! Lookin' good, dooce. Lookin' real, real good. :)
345. VOGUE said:
LOVE
346. Amy said:
OMG! I think we are long lost cousins! Seriously, you should make that into a friggin' poster. I'd hang that on my wall. How could you not look at that and smile? Thank you for bringing joy to so many in this crappy economy. Picture of Pregnant Trailer Park Whore . . . Priceless!
347. Nat W. said:
I burst out laughing when I saw those pics. Oh, dooce, you crack my ass up.
348. Brittany said:
Dooce! This seems like a shirt Jon might try to get you to wear.. it's the perfect combo of pregnant and nerd :)
http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/moms/bc2c/
349. Tina Babb said:
I LOVE the pictures. Nothing could be funnier.
350. Sadie said:
Oh my god! You are too funny. I have the giant Sam's Club jug of Hershey's syrup in my fridge. I highly suggest getting one for yourself, because there is nothing so wonderful as having THAT much chocolate in your fridge, just waiting for you to devour it.
351. Nicole said:
Forget all beautiful and lovely but gooey eyed, gushy mushy pregnancy photos almost every woman gets done these days. This one takes all. Nice work.
352. Sarah said:
FABULOUS pics, they cracked me up. Congrats on your upcoming delivery!!!! Can't wait to see pics of the little miracle.
353. Betsy said:
You look purdy!!!!
354. Teri said:
OMG, I love you!
355. HMFT said:
OK. First of all, I live in the mountains of North Carolina, where women are known to look JUST LIKE THOSE PICTURES while pregnant. For real. Uh...yeah.
Second. Thank God for husbands. Mine certainly takes great care of my dumb ass. Let me explain. I bit into a granola bar the other day and found a small chunk of glass. Freaked. Called the Quaker company, saved the glass, blahblahblah. Joe comes home, and I show him the glass.
"See? Look at this crazy shit! It looks like a tiny piece of crystal! Maybe it's a sign...a good sign..."
"Um. It IS a piece of crystal. Broken off from the BIG crystal that fell off the top of the computer monitor the other day. Were you eating by the computer?
"Uhhh...yah."
"Did you mayyyyyybeee put the granola bar DOWN for a minute?"
"Mmmmm...perhaps..."
"Yeah. Problem solved."
And thank God. 'Cause those Quaker True Delights granola bars? Are the SHIT.
356. Meranath said:
OMG Heather you have the cutest tummy. :)
Congrats on making it full term! You have your bags packed yet?
357. Amanda said:
THANK YOU HEATHER. For making pregnant women feel not so alone. You're hysterical and I just about cried reading this.
Best wishes for a safe and healthy delivery. I heard donettes make labor easier...
358. Jenn said:
I don't normally read the comments, but I just had to this time after seeing the pictures. I'm SOOO glad people thought they were as funny as I did. Is it possible to do a double take while a webpage is loading? Because I did.
359. Bri said:
Did you walk into the store, grab a pack of cigs, a twelver of PBR and some red Wet n Wild? I would love to have been in line behind you. And I would have been judging you like crazy.
360. Julie said:
This is possibly one of the best things I have ever seen.
361. Non-Highlighted Heather said:
i'm totally jealous of the half shirt look. if i wore that everyone would know i have to tuck my tits into my waistband. ain't gravity grand?
362. Julie said:
LOL!!!!!! Thanks for posting this.
363. TINE said:
you've got some sense of humor! i almost wet my pants seeing those photos. gluck on your remaining pregnancy and to a safe delivery. i'm about two weeks ahead of you :)
364. SusieQue said:
SO FUCKING AWESOME. I <3 I skimmed the comments expecting evil trolling self-righteousness and (was a little disappointed) to not see any - but then again, maybe I just missed it. These pictures rock. I was too afraid to keep similar ones when I was just pretending to be pregnant with a pillow under my shirt (unlit cig and a 40) b/c I didn't want to offend the pregnant wimmins - I'm so glad someone went for it!
365. Brigitte said:
I think this photo should be the cover of your third book! This is the BEST blog post ever.
366. Kate said:
I want some Donettes now.
367. ballerinatoes said:
God I love Donettes. I prefer the chocolate ones though. They are especially great this time of year when refrigerated. And I'm not even pregnant. Or stoned.
368. A Happy Little Family said:
Heather - That is so flipping funny. I wish I'd have thought of that for my "progress" pics. Thanks for the laugh. By the way...you look FANTASTIC for 36 weeks! Obviously no 60 lb body mass increase like the rest of us!
369. Anonymous said:
Oh WoW! If you only KNEW how hard I laughed. Thanks!!!! Hope that "rash" goes away before you have to explain it to all the doctors and nurses in 3 weeks. Man, I am STILL LAUGHING......
370. Leanne said:
the cigarettes in the sleeve, nice detail. my grandma used to do that.
371. Kate said:
the Internets just wouldn't be capitalized or plural without you.
372. Brent said:
This is the best thing I have ever seen. Ever.
373. Jenny said:
This is your funniest post yet in my opinion- the pictures are funny and despite the humor you still look beautiful and sexy. I read it on my iphone in class and burst out laughing- something I try to avoid.
374. Missa said:
The only way that this could get any funnier is if you were photographed eating said powdered doughnuts with the chocolate syrup chaser. I almost died with those pictures. Best maternity pictures ever.
375. Tere said:
Heather - HYSTERICAL - I mean seriously funny. Powered donuts - love it. With my pregnancies it was:
Cream Cheese Danish - I would eat an entire danish in one sitting - the kind of danish that comes in a long skinny box, meant to feed 6 people for breakfast
Salsa - once on a business trip I had the hotel staff rustle up some salsa at 1 a.m. - it was an emergency
Cherry Limeade - from Sonic, no where else to do.
May your grocery store stay stocked the next few weeks.
376. Daria said:
Congrats on making it this far in your pregnancy. Your belly looks really beautiful...and I can't wait to see your new baby girl.
377. Megan said:
This is THE BEST thing I've seen all week. Thank you.
378. Kristen Iness said:
LOL I can't get past the pictures, hilarious
379. brandy said:
sooo then could you possibly have a half-vampire/half-human in there sucking the life out of you? you know, after 4 books by stephenie meyer, i officially believe in the supernatural and the ability to give birth to a mutant.
380. Curly Su said:
Holy God, I can't believe that's you.
Amazing.
You are, officially, a genius.
Eat a donut in celebration.
(Why is Firefox red-line inferring that donut is not a word??)
381. cath said:
yay!!! pictures AND a freaking hilarious post! ... i was beginning to think the next post would be baby news, but this was even better. although, i suspect that at this point, even if the baby came out with a hexagonal pattern on the noggin you probably wouldn't be too sad, hmm? hope the last couple of weeks go hilariously. (and healthily) ...
382. Stacy Hamby said:
Sorry if this has been said already, but you look like a preggo Sharon Stone.
383. cara said:
ah! love the tallboy PBR in your maternity pants!
384. JMB said:
I saw this on my RSS feed at work and almost bit my lip hard enough to draw blood to keep from laughing. Those pictures are the greatest thing I've seen today. I can't wait to go through the comments and read all the haters complaining.
Congratulations! And keep it classy with that Pabst.
385. dedograce said:
Love the look... it works!
386. cyndy said:
you ROCK! awesome!
387. The Tart said:
Heather ... You just make me laugh!! Love the wild baby-mama look. Agree with #299 save pics for teen & her wedding.
; *
388. Jessica said:
I. Am. In. Love. With you.
389. Mari said:
Awesome. One of those could be your next book cover. Who says jello is our main food in Utah? Why not donut gems and pabst... dinner of champions!
390. Kristine said:
Simply. Awesomeness! A trailer trashy Lucille Ball. Love it!
Ironic, I was just reading this as the 6:00 news is on (I'm in Atlanta) and a local trailer trash resident tattooed his 3 yr. old son. Maybe he blamed it on the PBR?
391. elismsue said:
OMG.......Absolutely great pictures. I love your sense of humor!
392. Hanna said:
You're so funny!
393. Krys said:
Holy shit, I want to be Dooce when I grow up.
394. JB said:
I. LOVE. THIS. POST. BUSTED. A. GUT.
395. Another Heather said:
OMG those are awesome. The pics were blocked on my reader at work... so glad I came here to see the original. Love that it's Pabst. It had to be Pabst.
396. Vanessa said:
OMG I freaken love the pictures! Your post like always was great! Thanks for putting a smile on sucky day!
397. Betsy said:
You are my idol.
398. Jess said:
genius.
399. Madame x said:
oh.help.... I'm dying of LOL(ing)
400. Anonymous said:
Damn you're hot!!
401. Anonymous said:
Your pictures are brilliant!
I think this is a good look.
Congratulations, on the new baby!
402. Lauren said:
Am 3 weeks post-partum and had to go buy donettes today, simply because of this picture.
403. Elisabeth K said:
Oh my word. These photos made my not-so-fantastic day fantastic. GENIUS!!!
404. Lisa said:
Heather, you have truly outdone yourself this time. Fabulous pictures!
405. Kristi said:
Holy crap! I always wondered what Jerri Blank would look like if she were knocked up, and now I know! Thanks for sharing your awesome photos!!
406. Katie! said:
My god, woman, you are a saint to all women. This is so amazing that there are no words. Except that I love you and, were you not in far-away Utah, I would steal you and keep you in my pocket.
407. dearheart said:
OMFG, I have to echo everything that KAS had to say back at comment #1 (except that I'm not preggers). I love you and those pics are freaking HI-larious!
408. MamaLynn said:
This reminds me of when I was about 6 months pregnant and we attended a pimps and ho's costume party. I went as trailer trash ho, wearing the black bra/wife beater combo with a cut-off denim miniskirt and flip flops. Belly all hanging out. The party was thrown by a friend and at a club, so when I got up on stage for the costume contest, the club owner damn near threw me out for endangering my baby. I guess she hadn't noticed me sitting in the corner all night alone away from the smoke drinking water.
And for all the comments on who you look like, I totally think you are channeling Britney.
409. Sarah said:
I've been following your blog but this is the first time I've commented. Those pictures are hilarious!
410. Gina said:
Best use of a maternity waistband I've ever seen. Damn. Wish I had thought of that.
411. Livi said:
Love.
412. Megan said:
Great pictures! If your arms weren't so toned, and you had some batwings, it would totally be dead on.
413. Dylan said:
As soon as I saw that picture I thought:
"Now THERE is a Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker"
414. Michelle said:
Heather from day one when I started reading your blog every post has inspired me. This one DEFINITELY inspires me to keep eating powdered donuts.....You are GREAT!
415. Janet said:
OK - now I believe you are from Memphis!!
416. RzDrms said:
This is my fav post, second only to the "Jon Removing The Poop" post. This one should be first, though, because it has *the best pix EVER!!!*
("prepared hassles" are my recaptcha words! A phrase for your two awesome girls!!!)
417. Amelia Sprout said:
Those pictures made my day. I've had a horrible headache for two days, and that just made it all better.
And, dare I say it, you look like Gillian Anderson, except more fun to hang around with.
418. Heather said:
These pictures are HILARIOUS!
Also, I started reading your book today and can't put it down. You're awesome.
419. BlackCatMima said:
Where's the photos of the rash? LOL
420. Amy said:
I heart you.
421. Miss Behavin said:
I LOVE the photos! Who says pregnancy has to be boring, eh?
422. Lori N. said:
Oh Wondrous Being of Light and Splendor,
I have not laughed so much for a long time. First the picture, women everywhere are gazing upon your 37th week of loveliness with envy. Then to read your divine message, pure bliss.
Thanks for making my day.
423. Catherine BT said:
You look like a trashy Gillian Anderson (Scully). And I mean that in a good way. Love it!!!
424. Lori said:
LOVE the pics! And let me tell you - the emergency C-Section isn't half bad AS LONG AS THEY DON'T MAKE YOU GO THROUGH LABOR FIRST... I'm just saying... Owie. But hey, I survived - and I'm not half as bad-ass as you, sister! ;)
425. Robyn said:
Oh, my God...you're something else. And I mean that in the best way. Those pictures are wonderful.
426. Lori said:
Yeah, that's funny as hell, but I want to see the nursery pictures...
427. Sebastian said:
Just passing through -- someone said there were some fun pregnancy pics on your blog, and being a photographer... I just had to come and look.
Very cute. Even a bit sexy.
And 100% guaranteed to haunt your child through school...
428. Christian said:
Oh my god I love you. You make me laugh so hard.
429. Melanie said:
Never have I commented before. I had to, like a sugar donut addict reaching for another box with powdered sugar fingertips, I HAD to comment. Heather, I salute you and offer 1000 humble bows to your lotus feet. I have to join the masses and let you know. I LOVE You!
430. kristin kaminski said:
I already commented...but this is about the 56th time I've come here today and I just laugh and laugh. Also...I am amazed at the lack of bad comments! I only saw ONE!
If you had a reality show I would be sickly addicted.
431. Smellody said:
Someone, somewhere will see that picture and get turned on. That's why I love the internet. Dooce love reading your site, even if I'm not your target demographic. Keep it up!
432. Wild Dingo said:
Oh Great. Now I have that song "Like a Virgin" and your photo stuck in my head all day long. Great. Just Great. I just know a white beluga whale, sitting on a beach with red hexagonal tatoos on its ass singing that damn song is gonna show up in my nightmares tonight. And I'll be stuck as its back up singer frantically worried if I'm missing my dance steps and about to get fired by the whale. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Well done dooce!
433. Lara said:
FINALLY, pregnancy photos I can relate to.
I hope you're enjoying an appetizer of Cheetos with those Donettes and syrup. It's important to eat a balanced diet.
And I can't wait to read about life in the Dooce household with the new babe!
434. Jessica said:
I friggin love it.
435. Anonymous said:
I think you have the cover of your next book there. Hysterical! Looks a little bit like Madonna, circa "Desperately Seeking Susan!"
436. liz said:
you have clearly lost your mind.
brilliant. my friend is at your same point. exhausted and delirious, but damn if your hot bodies don't make me want to be a hot mama like you.
also, i agree: donette armstrong sounds like a wonderful name. rolls off the tongue.
437. Lauren said:
YOU. ARE. AMAZING.
Thank you for the biggest laugh I've had all week.
438. Sarah Again said:
It's Wet'N Wild, isn't it? Just tell me the lipstick is 99 cent Wet'N Wild and I can die a happy woman.
439. Colleen said:
That is the funniest thing I have ever seen. Well, maybe not ever, but in the top 20 or so.
Keep up the good work!
440. Wendalette said:
After a long and half-horrific out-of-town weekend, I eagerly came back to the internet where you reign supreme in my blog reader to open your entry--
And I died.
The sound of my own laughter revived me, and I scrolled back through the pictures.
And died again.
I've been through this entry and the comments several times and it kills me.
Every. Single. Time.
P.S. My captcha words are "port healthy"--I guess it feels not so much the beer.
441. Jen - Mom of 4 said:
I can't decide if I love these photos more or the fairy ones from a couple of months ago! I love you and your wacky sense of humor! Rock On Armstrong!!! (sorry about the excessive exclamation points - I just really needed to express myself:0)
442. julie said:
Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU for making me giggle today.
That was Awesome.
I needed that.
443. Kathleen said:
This is the goddamn funniest thing I have seen in a long time. Well done!
444. Leanyj said:
Love the photos!! They are great. You kind of look like Gillian Anderson!
445. Susan said:
Heather, those pictures are awesome. And what a wonderful gift for your baby - she'll have loads of fun with such an awesome Momma!
446. Poppy said:
Best. Pictures. Ever.
447. Lynda said:
HAHAHAHAHA! I have been reading you for YEARS and have not commented in AGES! This was HILARIOUS!
Best. post. ever. The photos are KILLING ME!
Good luck with the last few weeks of your pregnancy and with the arrival of new baby Armstrong!
I have not read the comments...so I do not know if anyone has said this...but I think you look a lot like Madonna (hair and makeup!) in the late 80's- early 90's! ...I know the look you were going for, but you really do look great! Tattoo, donuts, cigarettes, beer can (adorable belly!) and all! :)
448. Anonymous said:
You are so damn funny. I don't know what else to say so I won't say anything more.
449. The Whittler said:
Holy merciful Rice Krispies. You've awoken my inner trailer trash lesbian. A. Mazing!!!!!!!!!!
450. Catie said:
I love you... and you look like every woman I've seen in Walmart for the past two weeks. I live in East Tennessee. (And don't ask me why I've been in Walmart so much) But I love you way too much right as the pages loaded.
451. Deidre said:
Heather you are a tall glass of water.
452. Jonn said:
It disturbs me how hot you look as trailer trash.
Well, except for the cig and the beer. The donettes can stay, though.
453. Catie said:
And at least if theres some white powder under your nose we wont be worried.
454. Anonymous said:
Ha ha! Love it. You made my day
455. Leah said:
YOU are AWESOME!! These photos just filled me with joy.
456. Bamabess said:
I ate Cool Ranch Doritos throughout my pregnancy and have a beautiful, brilliant girl. Little Dorito couldn't be a better baby. I bet baby Donette will be awesome.
457. OMFG said:
Awesome. I admit I saw these on flickr first. The photos are awesome. But, the words.. just made me fall over dying. My husband who has been dragged through two miserable pregnancies.. really enjoyed these photos!
Keep it up.. you rule!
458. trish said:
Pepsi and Donettes. Or even better yet, Pepsi and Entenmanns Popettes . Breakfast of champions baby.
Seriously, sugar washes sugar down amazingly well.
OH! One more thing: Donettes should have an expiration of at least 2 weeks out for them to be super fresh and at their peak. Otherwise, they're definitely stale. That's why I like Entenmanns better. They seem to stay fresher longer. Can I get a heck yes for preservatives?!
459. Anonymous said:
PS
Please tell me your photoshopped your stretch marks and your belly isn't that perfect
460. Kate said:
Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. You crack me up, dooce!
461. nfleming12000 said:
OMG these pictures are hysterical.
462. haze said:
I can't remember when I last commented here, but I just have to thank you for this post.
I LMFAO!!
Go easy with your self over the next 3 weeks.
463. Cupcake Murphy said:
I can tell Coco has been preparing for her hair fashion show again.
464. Manic Mommy said:
You look like Courtney Love about to give birth to her kid Bean. LOVE the photo. That is just too classy! Don't you wish that could be a book cover!?!? It's FAB!
465. Eddo said:
Just when I thought it wasn't possible to love you anymore, you go and post pictures like this. Hilarious.
466. Christina said:
I don't even know you and I LOVE YOU!!!!! That picture made me laugh so hard I think I might have peed my pants. I love that you just say it how it is, you are amazing!
467. Anonymous said:
Oh. My. God. I can't stop laughing.
468. Tiffany said:
Oh you ROCK!
469. Lauren From Texas said:
You should write Hostess a letter demanding money for the marketing you've been doing. I had to stop on the way home from work and pick up a package or two. And I'm not even pregnant.
470. Jen said:
OMG I'm sitting in my Marketing class, reading Dooce.com, and almost spit my beer on my computer screen. Yes, we are drinking beer during class - sweet!! :) Heather you are SO funny!
471. CapableGirl said:
You are freakin' hilarious! Go girl!
472. CatieG said:
That brief series of photos was absolutely terrifying.
473. Katie said:
Those pictures are completely amazing!
474. Shannon said:
I'm pregnant and seriously picked up powdered donuts after reading this. I wish I were kidding. They tasted even better than I remember. I think the last time I ate them I was 10 years old.
475. lauren said:
love 'em, heather!!!
kudos to you for having fun in the last few weeks before baby # 2!!
enjoy!
*
476. julie said:
O. M. G.
PBR in your pants!
I know you didn't make this stuff up.
I was born and raised in the South.
Best wishes for a happy, healthy baby experience, hun.
xoxo
477. Jonah Lisa said:
This is very strange. Donettes were my one major pregnancy craving with my second child as well (tacos with my first). I ate hundreds of them. I'm also happy to report that my now 5 month old seems perfectly normal, though we do call her "Dunkie" sometimes. Do they call them that in Utah, too? I live in Idaho and had never heard them called that until we moved up here.
478. Britte said:
Hahah the pictures are amazing. You look like a cracked-up, pregnant, angry Lucille Ball.
479. sue.g said:
Freaking. Hilarious!!! That's right, 3 exclamation points!
480. Anonymous said:
You are freakin' hilarious. And you make a gorgeous Trailer Trash Queen. Brilliant touches, the tattoo and rolled-up pack of smokes in your sleeve. I can't believe that 36 weeks in, you still find the energy to do the Daily Photo / Style / Chuck. My only concern is, it will be hard for us to go without your Dailies until you've recovered. (Get Jon to take them over in the interim!)
481. mamalouise said:
I have nothing else to say but those pictures should hang brightly over baby's bed. If not there, at least over your and Jon's. PRICELESS and AMAZING! Thanks for sharing! :)
482. Monarch said:
I would love to see one of these photos shopped onto a big wheeled pick-up with a gun rack in the back.
oh yeah, you Rock Heather!
483. Anonymous said:
Heather, I can barely even write this. lol I love you, you're just too funny. Love love love it. That pictures reminds me of Joy from My Name Is Earl. You look like you could kick her ass! :)
Can't wait until little one arrives. :)
484. June said:
Heineken? Fuck that shit. PABST BLUE RIBBON!
485. Anonymous said:
To those who noticed you look like Gillian Anderson -- true, but more like Gillian's hot, sexy, much younger sister, nine months after too many grape-juice-n-gins under the bleachers.
486. Gina said:
Oh Lord. Those photos. Reminds me of the series of white trash shots Esquire ran of Scarlett Johansson for their 2006 "Sexiest Woman Alive."
487. Anonymous said:
I love it!
488. Dr Teen Advisor said:
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I'm going to say at least 1,500 words in this case. I can't stop smiling thinking about you, pregnant, donuts in hand, cigarette butt in your mouth, and a chair "rash" on your butt. You might not feel funny right now, but you are.....
489. LivingSexuality said:
* * *
* * * * * *
* * brilliant * *
* * * * * *
* * *
490. Carly said:
You're just too cute, Heather. Even when you're trailer trash.
491. Twenty Four At Heart said:
Best pregnancy photos EVER! Would have loved to have heard the conversation as you were taking those! Ha! I think a rash means your baby will be born with two brains and go on to conquer the world. Pretty sure ....
492. Kate said:
Nothing much more I can add that hasn't already been said, but the photos are just perfect. Well done.
493. Buffy said:
Thank freaking god there is someone like you out there to make me realize I'm not the only pregnant freak. Is it just me, or is the second time around not as "joyous" as when you are pregnant the first time?
494. Lyndsey said:
You look like my neighbor. I'm not even kidding by a little bit. And I like Donette Armstrong, it's very Utahish. ;)
495. Anonymous said:
You've seen the Utah Baby Namer, right? This guy has cataloged every incredible Utah baby name (like "Vulva Mae", I'm not kidding.) It's at http://wesclark.com/ubn/
496. Isedso said:
My dear God Heather - you are a riot. The pictures alone had me rolling but then to read your entry almost made me cry. I've been following your blog for some time now and couldn't be happier for you and your family and thank you for sharing it all with us. Happy delivery!!
497. Rachel said:
ROFLMAO!!!
You just TOTALLY made my day!!
YOU ROCK, HEATHER!!
I'm not even pregnant, but you just gave me permission to take out all the stops when I am!! ROFLMAO!
Captcha: Mr suez (WTF?!?!!!)
And yes, EVERY exclamation point is deserved!
498. Chloe said:
Oh lord. These pictures. Fucking brilliant. I literally laughed out loud in the study section of the library upon seeing these. You are one fantastic woman. Thanks for existing.
499. BunnyMyers said:
O sweet jeezus?! What kind of mother are you? Do you want your children to look at yer trailer trash ass in thar adult yeers and see what thar mama looked like back when they ain't even born yet? Woman, yor man otta beat you silly for disrespectin yer kids and yer fambly that way!At least be drinkin a good beer, like a BUD! Its GOOD for them babies! I'm sure the devil will welcome this pickture as a passport to HELL!
Sorry, I really couldn't help myself. As usual, wetting my pants at your hilariousness. I adore you. Can't wait to see baby... nothing worse than the last three weeks...I stayed in bed and used our new baby monitor as a walkie talkie. And sent my older child across the house with notes to my husband: "Need Bean Burrito From Taco Bell. I checked online and they are open 'til 2am. You have 12 minutes-- Don't dissapoint me. I will bear you spawn of the devil."
Heather, milk it while you can. You can only be whale size for so long.
Best wishes,
B
500. Jasmine Henry said:
Its a toss-up between you at Sotomayor for badass woman of the day.
501. Yeti said:
i heart you.
502. MarieC said:
LOVE the pics!!
just wanted to say i love reading your blog and looking the the cute stuff you find and the great pics that you and Jon take.
503. Marylee said:
I love it!
504. Bex said:
OMG! These photos are SO awesome!! I laughed sooooo hard. And your big belly looks so beautiful. Alliteration ftw. Anyway!! You look awesome. Sucks that you're so uncomfortable but you'll forget all about it the moment your little girl is in your arms!!!
505. Heidi said:
That's freakin' hot! A more hilarious picture could not be taken...except for the one of you inspecting your own ass.
506. Nicole said:
I absolutely LOVE these photos!! :)
507. leesavee said:
You HAVE to name the child Donette! It's too perfect! Donette Princess Bertha Rapunzel Armstrong, AKA Donette PBR Armstrong. The princess part will go over well with Leta...
508. Julie in Houston said:
Those are seriously the best pregnancy pictures I've ever seen. Enough of those black and white shots with the parents hands touching the belly...
I'm not pregnant...but when I am, I'm going to get pics like that taken. Love it!
www.peglegstarfish.com
509. leesavee said:
ALSO...you are what my 12-year-old cousin (from Memphis) would refer to as the "valid victorian" (valedictorian) of white trash maternity photos! So awesome!!!
You truly are a valid victorian, Heather. Truly. These pictures prove it.
510. Lisa said:
OMFreakingGoodness! I pretty much blew snot when the photo loaded on my computer! I was waiting for the serene poses of yore...and then WHAM! You look like Sharon Stone with that eye make-up!
Thanks for making me bust out laughing numerous times in this post. The visual of the whale inspecting its own ass is, well...classic.
You rock, Preggers!
511. onlinearnings.com said:
Beer, big hair, smart and witty, plus Mormon! These are a few of my favorite things.
Thanks so much for writing.
Elva
512. OnlinEarnings said:
That...that was amazing.
I like the stories on your site.
Elva
513. Tabatha said:
That was so funny!
514. Canuck said:
I was expecting to see a demure photo like this one:
http://www.dooce.com/2009/04/24/32-weeks
Just peed my pants when I saw the rock-star hair, wet sticky lipstick and queen-of-the-world sneer. I would buy this photo if you offered it for sale as a poster. Seriously.
515. Trinity said:
Has your mother called you yet about these photos?
516. Lee W.Cockrum said:
You are too funny! I cannot imagine how scary it is inside of your head!!
517. Anonymous said:
I hope the rash is not PUPPS CUZ PUPPS IS THE WORST THING THAT GOD COULD DO TO A WOMAN CARRYING A BABY!!!!!!! Maybe the rash is a sign that you should quit smoking, since its your 3rd trimester and everything...
518. Jessica Bessica said:
this isn't meant to be hate mail, I just think it's funny:
http://garfunkelandoates.com/music/clips/7/pregnant-women-are-smug/
great photos!
519. Marcheline said:
I know that no one is ever going to read more than five hundred comments, no matter how bored they may get.
But I still had to put this comment up, because those pictures are some of THE FUNNIEST SHITE I have EVER SEEN.
Like, EVER.
Oh, ye gods and little fishes... FUNNY!
520. Lori said:
When this post came up in my reader I was at work. I had to quickly close the window for fear that my out of control laughter would get our internet privileges taken away (grr)... Then, this evening this picture (http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/?p=1459) came up in my reader from Awkward Family Photos (i'm not connected to that site, it's just hilarious) and I wondered if there was something going on with the pregnant women in the world...
Either way, Definitely funny, and definitely some good "scare 'em into birth control" material!
521. Meagan said:
Seriously the funniest pictures I have ever seen!! It's stuff like this that keeps me coming back for more
522. Carole said:
That is hilarious! Dang benches! I hate those benches! You really have a way with words - LMAO!
523. Rhonda said:
OMG I've been reading your blog since the late 70's and this is the first time I've needed to post.
Those pictures are made of WIN!! My friend is 32 weeks along and I'm making her take photos tommorow! She had her husband stop on the way home for the PBR!
524. Craig said:
My co-worker asked if I'm alright and then wanted to know what I'm laughing at.
"...purposefully driven the car into a tree." Excellent.
Best wishes for the balance of your gestation, I hope it goes smoothly for all of you.
525. jax said:
if it makes you feel any better (misery loves company) I had the same thing (bottom rash) happen at 17 weeks. I had a horrible heat rash all over my body everywhere except my abdomen and head that itched like the dickens. Of course, my first thought was GREAT I HAVE LIVER DISEASE just like on WEBmd. Then as I was inspecting every inch of my body, I noticed a patterened rash on the bottom of my butt that looked like someone had taken a cleated shoe to it. After careful thought I remembered I too had been sitting on a chair with a horribly uncomfortable textured seat (or something like that) earlier that day. Sometimes pregnancy seems like an affliction, not a blessing!
526. Brandy said:
That is the most hilarious pic ever. You have got to pull that one out for the future boyfriends. I say, frame it up & send to MOM ;)
527. Alice said:
Those photos? Are f-ing HILARIOUS. And really artsy. I'm totally not being sarcastic. You should design a room around them.
528. CitizenKim said:
Ooops! Heather honey, things outside the host (husband w/camera) have conspired w/the innards and apparently temporarily disabled your brain. ;)
Said husband has caught you in flagrante and that wasn't a klondike in front of his face-- my guess is it was an elf camera. The good news is- you don't look half bad.
Though the hair is angry, the cig's not lit, it's clear that the PBR is there to prevent stretch marks and the donettes are just modestly covering side boob. The bad news is, he posted the pics and your eye make up is a tee tiny bit smudged but that's about it bc you are rocking that red lipstick!!
BTW- it's probably a good idea to do a video of this look while talking deeply southern. Maybe a momversation? You could always show it to Leta and/or #2- when they're teens...the knowledge that their mom has the power to channel white trash and is not afraid to share it w/the public...that's some powerful stuff!
529. Alice said:
I forgot to add: You should ask for a sponsorship from both.
530. Hallie said:
Hysterical, in the true sense of the word...
Normally, I would advise you to get a grip, but I think it's delightful that you still have a great sense of humor this close to your due date. Jon must be a saint (or, more likely, a co-conspirator).
Best wishes!
531. jlj said:
I can't believe you're drinking Pabst during your pregnancy! Everyone KNOWS you should be drinking Schlitz!
Shame on you. Shame.
snicker.
532. ecobabe said:
You're looking great Mumma, happy countdown!
533. Amy said:
Wow... You look SO! MUCH! like Madonna (the singer, not the baby Jesus Momma).
534. Andra said:
I meant this is the nicest way possible, but all day at work I couldn't figure out which Disney character's face you reminded me of in these pics, and then it came to me:
Cruella DeVille
I think it's just your lips and the way that cig is hanging out of your mouth in the second, but DAMN WOMAN. Your face has quite a range.
All well-meaning-yet-awkward comments aside, you look great for being ready to drop fetus! I mean, you aren't as fat as you think you are!
Okay, I'm done!
535. D. said:
yeah, friggin' hilarious, heather. and i mean that. you are one funny girl.
i guess i just have the wind taken out of my sails tonight...
it's just that sometimes you ring too freaking true to be ironic, or even just plain funny. your pics in this post make me feel like you are a little too on the mark. at least for nmy retarded life and the people involved in it.
post-partum, pre-partum, all kinds of partum depression can make you feel like a loser. and needy and stupid for being that way.
i just wish i felt so hilarious as a mom that popped out a 9 1/2 pound boy and lost her body to the process and could joke and laugh about it later. you are lucky that you can feel so liberated as to feel compelled to make jokes about real life crap.
536. Chelle said:
I'm 36, married, and not a mother. Nor do I intend to be. I am, however, an emerging photographer and loathe the idea of having to do maternity shots. Pregnant bellies scare me more than just a little.
That said, I'd gladly do maternity shots if it meant I got mothers that would pose like you have! You've inspired me to be open to finding a cool mom-to-be to add something like these to my portfolio. :)
537. Allison said:
Adorable...the baby will love you for this.
My last pregnancy (baby is five months) sucked too. Chronic hayfever, heartburn and a gigantic ass made that c-section (baby was breech and born with a heart defect) totally worth the two weeks of wrenching pain. Never again.
BTW, I got charley horses every night until my OB told me to up my calcium. Worked like a charm...just saying...
538. jenroku said:
i think i'm officially in love with you.
scratch the think.
539. Luke said:
What a pretty little princess you are!
Awesom pictures.
540. sue said:
Oh sweet mother of all that is redneck in our world...!!!!!
...A whale trying to see its' own ass... INDEED!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAaaaaa....
541. Me said:
Geeee Heather- you clean up reaaaaal nice like. Me gonna gets me one of dem there tattoos like yous got on. Sure is one lucky kid havvin a baby momma likes you.
542. Vanessa said:
I have next to no desire to have children, but...
SWEET BABY JESUS!
I want to get knocked up now JUST so I can do similar photos and have them be in the front pages of the baby book.
543. bon bon said:
you got a purty mouth...
544. stella said:
You go girl. You do 'pregnant white trash' so well. Ha.
545. Be Like The Squirrel, Girl said:
So funny! In college, we used to see how many powdered donettes we could fit in our mouths at once, but inevitably, we'd inhale the powder while laughing and asphyxiate ourselves. But the hershey's syrup chaser is genius!
GO BABY ARMSTRONG!
546. Anonymous said:
That picture is fucking fantastic. It can't be said enough.
547. Tiffany said:
In my humble opinion this was the best post ever!
548. The Cheesemonger's Wife said:
Instantly I thought of Cindy Sherman.....
she would be proud.
great pics.
good luck with the birthin' of the babe.
549. Nhiro said:
Dooce, please make my day and tell me you're gonna roll into church this Sunday looking like that.
550. Jenn said:
That is the most beautiful TWT (team white trash) picture I've ever seen... although, sporting a Pabst in your maternity jeans might still be a turn on for some college boys out there ;-) The oblong whale inspecting it's own ass description does conjure up a fantastically hilarious image for a birth control campaign. I think you're on to something Heather.... take care of yourself and those hexagonal patterned cheeks!
551. curlsz said:
Jesus Mary and Joseph - all time best preggo pic in the history of women taking preggo pics - please post this to Demi!!!! Well she's probably already seen it - Wonder if Vanity Fair will run these?
552. Amy said:
I was having a pretty crappy day. Till I saw your photos and laughed my moneymaker off.
THANK YOU.
Also, my captcha was "sackman." Clearly, you are a happy-making machine. But I'm sorry for your discomfort.
553. Katherine said:
Oh my gosh, these are PRICELESS.
554. Jenifer said:
I can officially tell you were raised in Memphis.
Before with the crayon/crown issue, I suspected but now I can identify which trailer park you were living in due to the brand of the beer and lipstick color.
Yup. You lived off of North Germantown parkway (I'm looking forward to the inundations of hate that I'll get from that area on my blog now. Oh hell, who am I kidding, no one will show up.)
And a final note, those marks might be on your unborn child's ass as well. Those park chairs are that hard.
555. Janelle said:
Tall can of PBR. Classic. I feel like I am looking at my future.
556. Anonymous said:
Um, I can't believe there's an acutal person in there O_O. Like really. I can't comprehend it. That lump is A PERSON. Like, wtf? Why can't you hear it scream and cry inside your belly if its gonna come out screaming and crying in a few weeks? Or is that just in the movies? Is the baby actually deathly silent when it comes out, just a mass of kicking limbs? Is vocal cords something they figure out later? Or is it really THAT comfortable in there so there isnt a need to make a single sound of complaint? It DOESN'T really look comfortable. It looks cramped and tight!!!!
557. Camelia said:
wow these pictures made my day! I can't stop laughing! You are amazing! LEss than three weeks to go for me too but not for a baby, for my wedding :)
wish you all the best
558. Camelia said:
wow these pictures made my day! I can't stop laughing! You are amazing! LEss than three weeks to go for me too but not for a baby, for my wedding :)
wish you all the best
559. Beth O. said:
Will you be naming her Frances Bean?
560. The Bold Soul said:
Now I want to get pregnant just so I can have an excuse to eat powdered donuts, too. And I don't smoke now but may decide to start, since I live in France where women still tend to smoke during pregnancy (well, some of them do) so they don't gain too much weight and where they don't like to breast-feed (some of them) because they don't want to ruin their breasts for their husbands.
Your body may be conspiring against you but you haven't lost your sense of humor.
561. Christina said:
I notice no wedding ring in the photo. Maybe you'll get one after you get the paternity results back on Maury.
Love this post, you're so bad ass.
562. Christina said:
Oh and it would've been a tad bit more realistic if you were dressed in pajama bottoms (the uglier the better). Them there fancy pregnancy pants cost the same as a whole carton of cigarettes.
563. GoBusiness101 said:
Hey, no offense, it seems your face is so horrible, just noticed it.
564. tonya said:
There. Are. No. Words.
but if there were words, those words would be of glee.
565. wheezer345 said:
Love the Photo! For some reason you remind me of Madona??!!
566. quayxar said:
LOL! lookin' fab, baby :)
567. Megan said:
Awesome pictures. If you make it to the next one, how about a caricature of the polar opposite of the trailer-trash momma? Can we play emotioneric with this? ;-)
568. Katka said:
holy cow, those pictures are just hillarious :D
569. Nats said:
Hilarious!!!
I'm 2 weeks behind you and think I just peed myself.
570. lee said:
Man, you have a lot of acolytes. I admire your moxy, but something about these photos makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. Sort of shock value-ish. But, no doubt, you are an interesting woman. And a good writer.
571. Kat said:
(LOL) This is awesome!! :D
572. Mandinka said:
I think I saw you buying a carton of smokes at the Qik-n-EZ the other night.
573. Lee said:
OMG you are too damn funny....but look strangely like one of my aunts, if you were about 40 yrs older.....
I just wanted to say that,when I saw the second picture, all I could think of was the fact that, given the right angle and the proper placement of some Sharpie pen, your belly could be a really cool Japanese Kabuki mask...
just sayin.....
btw--my aunt says the chocolate donuts go better with the PBR....
you people are too goddamn cute
574. Rachel said:
Well done, Heather!
575. A Seattleite in Paris said:
Hilarious photos! I almost fell off my chair.
576. Jennifer said:
I nearly laughed 'til I cried. Those pictures remind me of a doll I once saw called "Trailer Trash Barbie." The box read, "My daddy says I'm the best kisser on the block!"
Too cute Doll Face, too cute!
577. website design in adelaide said:
Those images scared me at first. I thought, well that's it, she finally lost it. But, to be honest, I wasn't surprised.
Great work Heather. Every day is a laugh. Love your work.
Ramsay
578. do2na said:
Oh to have been in the convenience store when you waddled in to buy the pack of smokes and the single PBR tall boy -- just to see the look on clerk's face. priceless.
love the hair.
579. KimPossible said:
YOWZA - BEST FRIGGING PICTURES EVER! I would love to be a fly on the wall the day your daughters sit down to look at family photo albums together and those are waiting for them - hilarious!
580. Andi said:
Awesome pictures, first of all. And your post reminded me of a horrible night I had at 37 weeks. I woke up at 4:00 am with horrible heartburn (which ironically, was not heartburn at all, but my gallbladder), and made my way to the kitchen to get some milk or something to calm it. About halfway there, I passed out from the pain (yes, really) and fell on the living room floor. My husband came out to find me on the floor, and went to get the milk for me (yes he was that helpful). I managed to get up to my knees and pull my large self up with the help of an armchair. When I stood up and began to move, I stubbed my toe on the leg of the chair and tore the pinky nail clean off. My husband stood there with the milk, doing some ridiculous dance because he couldn't stand the sight of blood. Unfortunately because I couldn't reach my feet, he had to bandage it for me.
Oh that was an awesome night. Hope you survive the next few weeks without any more issues!
581. Liesel said:
Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. That was AWESOME. My hat is off to you, oh queen of the Internet. I agree with others. You must post the insane emails you get from this.
582. Lover said:
Your empty calories are justified, those things are so yummy. And I'm saying that on a VERY full stomach, so you know I mean it.
For rashes and things I ALWAYS use palmers cocoa butter lotion products- mostly the straight cocoa butter or the stretch mark lotion. I swear they aren't paying me under the table to say this. I have eczema, live in Portland/Corvallis (grass seed!) and still manage to have verrrrrry nice skin thanks to that damn lotion. You should try it. That, or Dr. Bronner's.
583. Cristina H said:
Ok seriously ... I LOVE those pictures. Your kids are extremely lucky to have you and Jon as parents.
584. Brianne said:
LOLOLOLOL
p.s. Is that a Pabst Blue Ribbon I spy? AWESOME. :)
585. Anonymous said:
Do you keep having kids just to maintain the income from a motherhood-related blog? If you didn't have the blog would you still be having children?
586. Sue Ellen Ewing said:
I'd like to add my vote to naming the baby Donette. Either:
Donette Blue Armstrong (as was already brilliantly suggested)
or
Donette Hershey Armstrong
Thanks for the laughs - now I have to go change my pants.
587. Amy said:
best.pictures.ever.
588. Andee said:
I LOVE the pictures! Especially the one of you facing front. Your belly is so pretty!
And I'm not preggers, but I love those donuts, so don't keep them all to yourself. :-)
589. Angela said:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
590. Maggie said:
You crack me up.
591. AmyElle said:
OMG, I couldn't stop laughing! Seriously, tears and gasping for air type laughing. You are hilarious. You made my day Heather. The pics are priceless. I had to show this to my fiance. And yes, please, please! post some of the responses that are negative. I have no doubts there will be some. It's really too bad that some people just don't have a good sense of humor and take life way too seriously.
Can I just say I wished my body carried pregnancy as well as your's does? I was actually told once that I looked like a beach ball with little arms and legs sticking out. That was with my singleton, can't imagine what I looked like with the twins.
I heart you. lol Thanks so very much for making me laugh today. I needed this.
592. pixandpug said:
I LOVE this... Usually a lurker but I nearly urinated in my pants—this was so funny.
Thank God for Dooce...
593. Linds said:
Man... I wish I had pictures like that from when my mom was pregnant with me.
Too bad she was Mormon and therefore lacked all sense of humor.
594. Laura said:
I hate you. Hate. Hate. Haaaaaaate. Youuuuu. It's not fair! That is NOT the belly of a woman who is 37 weeks pregnant! (Especially one who has already carried one baby in there). Damn you and your beautiful, extra-tall genes! I'm going to go wallow in self-pity with my Donnettes!
595. Katherine SOLO dot MOM said:
I am going with Donette Armstrong.... love that comment!
Great post...
596. Kristin said:
Caption: "Leta, you git back in here rat now, missy, else you aint gonna git no mo donits for suppa!"
597. Erin said:
You kind of look like Lori Petty in that first picture. Hilarious shot.
598. Anonymous said:
Umm ok??!!!
599. Tek said:
the Anti-Demi Moore! I love it. (nothing against Demi, definitely love; her-real lesbian love)
Ha! my captcha-father staid as in "my father staid away from home alot"
600. Kelly said:
This made my day. Hilarious stuff.
I wish I had time to read through all of the comments to see which doorknob(s) you pissed off with those shots. Pabst & Donettes with a Marlboro chaser - doesn't get any better than that.