The toilet would make a better post. Hope you get there soon, tho!

And, yeah, when are they gonna find a less barbaric way to measure a cervix? What did they do before? Grunt and throw rocks at it?

But check out those huge boobs. Not that *I* care about such things. Just saying: should be some consolation for all this other trouble you are having to go through.

Best wishes, Heather!

Yay!

Now, if it were me, I'd send my husband to the store for hospital snacks.

Good luck!

The cervix checks didn't bother me that much, but the stripping of the membranes in an attempt to bring on labor... dear God. I would rather continue to gestate for another 40 weeks than face that sort of torture again. And the OB who violated me was a woman. I find they are the worst.

My favorite is that the OB actually warns you. Mine says with a knowing look 'next appointment, I think that I am going to have to check you'. The ironic thing is that I had no idea what this meant but the mere mention of the 'check' sent me into labor for both my kids. I finally figured out that he must have been referring to that horrible experience that the poor labor nurses do to you all the time when you are in labor 'just need to check you honey'....

Can't wait to read the birthing story! Or at least the birthing tweets...

Enormous? My god. No way. You look tiny. And perfect.

I was overdue with all of mine and never, EVER dilated or softened before the due date (or even within a week after for that matter). So I'm taking this as a good sign for you and hoping #2 comes early.

Best of luck. Be safe. Find joy in the moments.

Despite all the horrible things you've said about pregnancy over the past few years, after seeing the Fenstad sheep mobile in the nursery I'm clearly going to have to have children in order to justify having one.

You look wonderful! Congratulations!

You look beautiful.

I work as a labor and delivery nurse, and i just want to apologize to every female who has had a baby about those nasty cervical exams!!

Heather you're fab! good luck and ill cross my fingers that you don't continue to waddle around pregnant for the next 23 days! i'd give some tips to induce labor, but you've probably heard them all and honestly, most of them don't actually work!

good luck convincing your uterus to expel a human being out of your vagina!!

mj

PS. I agree that the checks were horrid. I planned to have a drug-free birth until reality hit me in the face... If I could not handle the pain of the nurses checking me, how was I ever going to handle labor and birth without an ep!?

I think you look absolutely beautiful! I am just 6 weeks pregnant with my first child, at age 36 and after 13 years of marriage, and I am completely terrified and also very very happy. I have been learning a lot from your posts but your comments about this checking procedure are scary. The skin in your belly looks beautiful, Did you use something to take care of it?

You look great, even without the red lipstick, ciggy, and Donettes.

Almost there! You look great, and I'm sorry they harassed your cooter =) In the delivery room I remember saying, "THAT IS IT! You'll can just ask each other what it felt like, because it's time to leave my cooter alone!"
Why do the ALL need to check it?

I am 6' feet tall and my OBGYN was uhm, I don't know 5'5 if that. When it was time to do the ole' check for dilation with my firstborn, I thought I had died at the table from the pain. I feel for you, Heather. Tall is beautiful but when it's time to check how many centimeters you have dilated, it hurts like a mo fo.

You look fantastic! Effaced is good -- it's better than not effaced, for sure.

And that whole "checking" thing? Seriously, I mean, at least buy me dinner, right? Hoping everything is easy for you!

Heather you look great! I was way bigger than you look when I delivered at 32 weeks, granted I'm also wicked short. With my last pregnancy I was dialated to 2 cm for about 3.5 weeks before I was induced b/c baby was over 9 lbs. Did I mention I am short? He broke me. LITERALLY. I pray your labor is quick and as painless as possible and that you get to squeeze that adorable lil baby girl real soon!

It could probably be considered one of my greatest gifts to humanity that I din't blog my pregnancies.....It just wasn't pretty. My favorite thing about membrane stripping is the conversations you have to endure while there is a hand in ones lady's parts. By the way you look radiant-almost as radiant as you did last week!

Woah woah woah,

you look great in the photo by the way.

But I don't know how to put this any other way, but woah.

good luck with all you have to go through, you know.

I'll stand over here behind Jon and support you with all the internet love I can get.

Thank you, as always, for bringing a smile to my face. I think giving birth naturally is so much easier than those shity exams. It would be great if they trained our partners to do them...kind of like foreplay a bit!

Like you, I was dialated and thinning out many days before my due date, and then went the allowed 14 days past with my first daughter! With a little help from Cervidil she was evicted...I like to think I am just such a super hostess that she didn't want to leave my party. But like that drunken party-goer that pukes all over your lawn and dry humps your car, you just can't wait for them to get the fuck out!

Best of luck and a speedy delivery with a nurse who has slender, long and delicate fingers who is so gentle, you don't even notice them - kind of like a bad boyfriend!

I hated those checks. Since I was severely high risk I got them at every visit which was once a week from 24 weeks on. My daughter was still breech at 38 weeks (she had been breech for a couple of months) so I ended up with a c-section. It saved me from the constant rummaging of every person in the L&D department. You look great! I know the last couple of weeks are miserable but you'll soon forget about all of it when Not Maria shows her beautiful little face. Good Luck!!!

You are hands-down one of the most put-together and good looking pregnant woman I've seen.. I just had to thank you for being popular enough to acquire the realm of "haters" that you have- I just read through all 400+ comments on the bathroom remodel and killed time while the hubs watched some "apparently important" basketball game.

Also, I've been meaning to comment on all the people who get on your case for calling yourself "fat" and talking about feeling so unlike yourself being pregnant and gaining weight. I totally feel you- putting on ANY number of pounds just makes you FEEL DIFFERENT... while it may not be everyone's definition of "fat" it's "fat" for YOU! I feel ya.

Captcha: Pressures Noted

When I had my first son I got the lovely realization that I get to have whoever is on shift when I *go into labor* plan as I might to have my baby on my midwifes shift (induced the day before) it was still 77 hours and well past her shift before he came (via C section) In those long agonizing hours I had many many checks, one of which ruined me for all time! I had the tiniest doctor known to mankind and she had the smallest hands with the shortest fingers, Coupled with my very high cervix, I was climbing the bed screaming from a mere CHECK! It was horrible. Every other doctor that came near my room got the finger check and if her fingers were not long and narrow she was turned away in search of another. I joke not, we sent them away! I feel your pain, and raise you a scream!

Good luck in delivery, its finally rounding the corner! :)

I cannot believe how tiny you are. It's stunning, and must mean the difference between a long-limbed beauty like you carrying a delicate little girl, and my lumpy figure grappling to contain a 9.5 lb. boy who was born with a set of P90X DVD's and a pair of boxing gloves strapped to his thigh.

We're all rooting for you. And I'm personally, strangely envious of everything, even the really tough parts of the first month that are coming at you like a speeding locomotive. You can do this. No problem.

I had totally BLOCKED THIS OUT until you mentioned it. I remember a nurse doing it at the hospital when my water had broken and I literally started climbing backwards off the top of the table. She got annoyed with me but I could not sit still and take it. I AM NOT A SOCK PUPPET.

p.s. you look GREAT. I was a PLANET by this point; I had my own gravitational pull.

Are you holding Fred in??

XO

B.

This had me in tears I was laughing so hard!

This scares me half to death and yet I keep wanting to read more, like a morbid curiousity... pregnancy is so strange.

I love reading your blog---- brings back memories all the time and I had to laugh at the accuracy of the 'index and middle finger' as the one valid indicator someone is getting ready to assault the lady parts....

Do what I did....

PEE ON THE DOCTOR'S HAND---- nothing gets them to yank those two fingers back into their own personal space that a good dose of a golden shower!

Yep. I prefer labour and delivery to those checks.

So here in good old Australia we don't have lovely checks like that until you are in hospital and in labour. The OBGYNs just check to see if the head is engaged by feeling around your pelvis from the OUTSIDE!
Good luck hope it is FAST.

I just wanted to say HI because I am due with baby number 2 just a couple days before you and your blog is part of what is keeping me sane as I am beached here on my left side half the day.

Don't flush. Really. Or your child's first words will be DAMN IT MOTHER, THAT WAS REALLY FREAKIN' COLD!

I only have two words for this experience you've just shared: Ouch! and Ugh! Good God, I'm glad I'm not a woman.

It fricken kills. And, when my doc did it, he then told me to get up, put my undies back on, then slipped to the other side of the curtain and said to my husband, "I fit three fingers in there". Oh the joys. (He's gay, the doc, not my husband, so fairly sure my husband was unintimidated by this comment).

Luckily, I had the baby that night, and only had to endure this treatment three more times, all during labour.

Hey! One of my friends gave birth in the toilet in her LDR at the hospital. I am not even kidding. The nurse was standing over her saying, "if you don't get up off that toilet, you are going to ..." then, before she could complete that thought, everyone hears the familiar sound of something going "bloop" into the toilet water. It was her baby. The nurse quickly fishes the baby out, sends her husband down the hall to get another nurse, and while everyone is all checking on the baby, my friend walks out of the bathroom and says, "We'll I guess I ruined the fun for everyone!" Their baby girl (first child, mind you) was born healthy and perfect at almost nine pounds. One year later, they still call her their "little dumpling".

and just for the record, I think you should name the baby after me .... MARIA Ha!

Seriously though, I am sending you good vibes for as pleasant and pain free a birth as possible. You look awesome!

Whoa. I totally had sympathy cramps after reading that. And I no longer even have a uterus to cramp. You're almost done. I believe you know exactly what you need now, and that you and your baby will do great work together when the time is right.

I love your porcelain white belly.

Ouch. Agree with the first commenter, it's GREAT birth control.

I have not, and will never at this point, give birth. My sister has birthed two beautiful daughters, who I love as my own. I thought I knew what that was until I read your blog. You put an ENTIRE NEW SPIN on childbirth. Which is not a bad thing, bless your heart.

You still look glamorous!
All the best for the upcoming days and I'm so excited for the moment when you meet Not Maria!

With First Child, they "swept my membranes" without telling me . . . just google it. I still wake up screaming. I reflexively scooted so far up the table, they had to pull me back down by my ankles.

Second Child: I was 8 or 9 cm dilated and mostly effaced and had NO contractions . . . the doctor kept saying, "Forget the contractions . . . if you so much as SNEEZE, call me!" He kept sending me home saying, "Have a nice dinner, make love to your husband. This baby is coming tonight!" And every morning I would wake up, feel my bump, and think, "SHIT!"

We finally did give that labor a teeny, tiny push. But it was quick and, dare I say it, actually fun.

Heather, you look awesome! Thank God for epidurals! Enjoy the last days as a family of 3. :)

This post made me pucker in places I shouldn't be puckering. You look great! You're in the home stretch ... have all the powdered doughnuts you want!

Best of luck for a happy, healthy baby and a speedy delivery!

Bring on the next adorable frog baby. I hope your bottom section remains partially happy throughout the experience. Good luck Heather!

Gotta love TLC :)

Ah, the vaginal probe. So delicate, so refined. Like that episode of Dirty Jobs where Mike Rowe is the dairy cow midwife. Frankly, I don't think they're really checking your cervix. I think they're just prepping you for the humiliation to come. Let's face it, when you have a baby, all modesty goes out the window. That's why nature made it all so painful. So when you poop on a table in front of the doctor, the nurses, your husband and your mother-in-law who is running the video camera, you're in too much freaking agony to care! Here's wishing you a swift delivery. Forget everything they taught you in grade school and JUST SAY YES TO DRUGS.

I do hope that you have a wonderful birthing experience. It's tough but amazing, but you already know that! Enjoy your last bit of time with Leta, life gets hectic but on those tough days try to find something to make you smile :)

Love and best wishes ~~

I don't know why more women don't know this is unnecessary. You don't have to be checked. You can say no. It tells them nothing. None of them can predict worth a bucket of piss. I have a homebirth midwife and the only checks I got were at MY request at like 9cms when I needed someone to tell me I was close to being done. And she is both quick and gentle.

Course the reason I went to her was the twin nightmare first labor with 11 different residents at the teaching hospital finger raping me every hour. I still have flashbacks about that BS.

Damn, I'd blocked out some of my lovely experiences with #2. My water broke 3 weeks early, and pushed out a mucus plug that looked like a jelly fish.
We get to the hospital, and the female OB that I could not stand is on call. She shoves her hand up there with almost no warning, turns to the nurse, and, as if I want not on the other end of her groping fingers, says "I can't feel a thing, it's like Mile High Stadium in there." I wanted to kick her in the teeth.
Then she retracts her hand and says, condescendingly, "Are you sure you didn't just wet the bed?" I can't remember what I responded, I was so appalled. Bitch.
Thank goodness my lovely male OB arrived to do the C-section. I don't suppose everyone would appreciate his humor, like when he asked me if I wanted him to cut on the dotted line (previous scar) or if I wanted a straight cut this time. (He wasn't my OB for #1.) Or when he was talking about the amazing length of my son's umbilical cord and the size of his placenta. I reminded him that I was awake up there, and he said something about longing for the good old days when they knocked us out completely so we couldn't talk back, but at least the epidural kept me from kicking him for being a smart ass. (Typing that it sounds bad, but trust me, at the time, it relaxed me to have someone talking to me like a normal person when I felt like anything but, numb from the waist down and taped onto boards like some weird crucifixion victim...)
Hope it happens fast, and there's no more groping! Come on, Not Maria - we want to meet you!

Captcha: blintz of ... of what, dammit! Now I'm hungry!

I totally agree with your description of THE CHECK! Although I'm not sure I could have worded it as well as you did! I'm so excited for you guys.....You're almost there!

"According to all the pregnancy shows I've been watching, though, this means absolutely nothing"...too true. Hang in there! You look amazing Heather!

If crib bumper pads and this cervix scraping thing are known no-no's, why doesn't everyone know about it? Why aren't doctors talking to their patients about all of this?

It's so sweet how you're teeny tiny up top, BAGOOMAZOOMA in the middle, and then you gots these teeny tiny leggers.

It's so cute, I gotta trace you over and over again!

Happy Pregnancy, Heather!
I'm no where near having kids yet, trying to keep my legs crossed with my boyfriend till I reach the end of high school in 2 weeks, haha, but you really make it all seem interesting and miserable and crazy and funny as hell.

I don't know if you read all these comments, but I want you to know, a young girl here in So-Cal thinks you're an amazing human being. :)

Goodness you're slim and slender and svelte for such an "enormous" pregnant woman. Women in my family are about that size around the fourth month, then eventually pop out 12 pound toddlers.

Signed,
Childless and staying that way
in Illinois

Aaaah, I am so excited! Can't wait to see the babe! Hope you go soon, so you can be comfortable again.

Girl, your baby bump is still tiny regardless of how big you might feel about now.
Hope she arrives before your next "check" so don't have to be violated with another doctor visit. I say labor and delivery will be enough to cover that base.

I envy you, and am so grateful you are alive in the same time- continuum that i am. God that sounds woo-woo. But really. I'm so scared of a 'thing' to come out of me. And here you are, things coming out of you, and your not only okay with that, you welcome it. (and after all these years) Bravo. Please let me soften. I wish you the best. Thank you.

My favorite baby doctor had long fingers. Made all the difference.

Love the cig shot. I'll be the 873rd person to tell you that. I'm hoping you got enough "entertaining" (read: angry) comments about that post to make your efforts worthwhile. Oh, I loved it!

You're on the home stretch! Everything gets better from here! (*cough*)

Jeez, Dooce.
I broke BYU honor code about ten years back (well, LDSBC honor code but same diff) but at least I enjoyed myself in the process. (And all I did was have my now husband cross the "chastity line" that was the line that divided the common area from my bedroom. No fingery stuff going on.)
Fast forward about 5 years...
I remember being in labor and pushing for nearly 3 hours and my obgyn had someone from her practice check me while she was en route. That woman was up to her elbow trying to turn my stubborn son's head prior to my C section. He wasn't having it.
My son will be 5 this June. Tonight I was trying to help the poor kid pull his polo shirt off his big fat head and for some reason, it took me back. I wanted to say to him "Your damn head was too big back then just like it is now."
Lord knows I love him, though.
From one exmo to another, happy pushing.

Aw, don't worry. If nothing else, at least one thing is for sure... "Not Maria" may not come out today, tomorrow, or even the day after your due date, but *she won't* stay in there forever! At least that's guaranteed, right?

Tell that doctor to keep her hands off yer ladyparts, from the looks of it Not-Maria is coming out via Fred!

Also, ouch in solidarity...

You look beautiful, congrats and good luck!

Not Maria is so lucky that she'll have a summer birthday!

A gloved hand is enough to make any cervix clench.

tracy

When I was 8 months and 3 weeks pregnant for #2, A tall gorgeous black doctor came in the room to do my check. He asked for the largest size of latex gloves at which point I slid up the bed and the wall like the woman in 'poltergiest'. He had a quick feel and asked if I'd like to hurry things along by him sweeping the membranes, I just about jumped off the bed and ran! It not so much the fingers inside as the knuckles and rest of the hand outside that hurts me, midwives are far better, I dont actually remember any of my checks in labour with two midwives (I had two as one had to unpeel my arms from her neck when I headlocked her and begged for more pethadine, true story)I remember them telling me my progress but they didnt hurt like the male docs do.

Your last sentence is exactly why they don't bother checking the cervix here in England, not until you are in active labour and then about when you start to go a little crazy (which is when they suspect transition). Works for me.

Unless there's a problem or you go really overdue, there's really no reason for a cervical check. It tells you nothing about when you'll go into labor, as you said, and only increases your chance of infection. Also, it just freakin' hurts! I didn't have a single cervical check for my entire second pregnancy. The first one I had was when the midwife arrived at my house to assist in the birth and I was already 5cm.

Ladies, you don't have to get cervical checks! You can say no!

Honestly, I can't remember any of it, although I walked around for a month dilated to 2 with my second. And I think he'd still be in there (he's 10) if they hadn't broken my water. That I do remember.

Dear Dooce,

I've followed your site for quite some time and i am lovin'it!!

We are thinking about getting pregnant, but when i read stories like this... maybe we'll wait just a little longer...

You look great!!

Best wishes from Holland!

Marlies

Heather- I wish you the best birth experience possible. You still look amazing- all baby- no weight gain on you. You make me laugh, and you make the internet a much better place. Have a boston creme donut, those are the best. Blessings.
PS you look good in red lipstick.

You look so amazing.... all belly!

Regarding the rest, I'm about a week and a half behind you so I'm putting my fingers in my ears and yelling LALALALALALALA.

All the best for QUICK, PAINLESS, and DONUTTY.

I was home yesterday and somehow ended up watching TLC's A Baby Story and saw a woman give birth to twins on her kitchen floor.

I am sure you will be fine and everything is going to go swimmingly well.

Looking forward to meeting Not-Maria!

Hi,
I'm italian, from Rome and I have a 9months-old baby girl named Viola.
I love the way the mommyblogging is spreading and gaining so much importance in the Us, I'm a mommyblogger and hope it will soon be the same in Italy. I wish you the best for the birth of your baby. If you want come check out my blog, it's in italian but there are pics too... ahahaha :D

Hi Heather,

Ten days left, Wauw!

Nice picture...

There is something Life Optimistic about seeing a pregnant woman!

Greetings,
Claus,

Doooce! Baby time soon! How gorgeous you look! Me? I was the size of an aircraft carrier when I was 38 weeks. You could have landed a whole fleet of tomcats on my belly and backside.

Remember these two things... Say "yes" to the epidural... say "no" to all of the anesthesiology(sp?) residents for a 100 mile radius coming in to watch said epidural being administered even if the nurse tries to demand it and your husband has to back her out of the room and shut the door in her face.

Like some of the recent commenters, I don't remember my cervix checks. I guess it was like one of the girl's OB said, "it was like Mile High Stadium in there"

I am also making a formal demand that this blog be updated regularly even if you have to type between pushes... I simply cannot do without my daily dose of Dooce!

Best of luck sugar!

Jen

Heather you look beautiful!!!!

I want to thank you for your posts about you going through post partum depression. I have been having my own battle with it and you have been a big help. I plan on buying your books though.

I hope you have a safe delivery and that all will be well with both you and Not Maria :-)

Keep up the GREAT work!!!!

Oh, man. Funny you should mention that because my water broke while I was on the toilet.

And I wasn't convinced that wasn't pee.

And I went on to eat a box of Cheese Nips so when the contractions started coming, I thought I had given myself food poisoning.

A comedy of errors.

Ouchhhhh. That gave me goosebumps. And not in a good way. ;]

Finally a smile! And, you just got your highlights done!

I remember cervix checks - no fun. On my first pregnancy the doctor "stripped my membrane" without asking or telling me.

You're right. You could deliver today or in three weeks, but the more dilating and effacing your body does before hard labor hits, the shorter the trip will be. I think that's great news. Keep dilating and effacing -- go Heather!

OMG - I COMPLETELY KNOW what you are talking about - every bloody time I went to the doctor NOTHING....everyone else is happily going into labor and there I am with NO MOVEMENT at all.....I went 40 weeks before they said to me "yep we are inducing you today"....when I had gone in for yet another invasive doctor sticking his fist inside me type of examination and declared that nothing was happening and it was time for my boy to come into the world anyway.....

Those exams SUCK. They are so painful.....YUCK YUCK YUCK.

Us chic's are pretty amazing when you think about it eh???? What our bodies go thru and then we bounce back and get on with it......

"thank god for a penis."

Amen, brother.

So, so true! Here's to hoping the baby comes soon!

Doesn't being a woman just suck sometimes?

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I went in for a check up a week AFTER my due date and was told that I was not dilated at all. I went home and cried for two hours and kept wailing that I was going to be pregnant forever. The next day I started having labor pains. I went to the hospital only to find out I was at 1 centimeter and 5% effaced. They sent me home where I stayed for several more hours. When the labor pains became unbearable, we went back only to find out I was now at 2 centimeters and 25% effaced. Luckily they admitted me because in the matter of only a few hours I went to 5 centimeters and fully effaced. But then I had an epidural and that stopped everything completely. Good times.

I saw a headline this morning that read "Armstrong announces birth of son on Twitter page". I could think of no other Armstrong who Twitters than you but was perplexed because I thought you were having a girl. Turns out there is another Armstrong out there, Lance! Maybe I need to stop reading your blog so much, didn't even know he was expecting!

I just had to say you look amazing.

I got lucky. Since I was premature, no one wanted to do that with me, so they just kept doing an ultrasound. Would much prefer that method to the dr's fingers.

And the cervix checking....that would be the reason I never went into OB nursing. My hands are just too small. I refuse to torture another woman with that.

Hopefully your current status means you will meet Not Maria very soon. Wishing you an easy labor and delivery.

The nursery looks ready. You look ready.

I think every woman on this site who has had a baby can sympathize with how you are feeling on these last few days of being pregnant- weary of the discomfort, wanting to see and hold your new little baby.

Until then, I hope the powdered donuts bring some comfort.

I've never commented here, but couldn't resist sharing that about three months after delivering my second child I was on an airport shuttle bus with the two kids and a young woman approached me somewhat shyly and said "I'm an OB fellow at X hospital and I think I was there when you delivered your baby." Without thinking, I blurted out (far too loudly for a full shuttle bus) "Oh right! The one with the REALLY short fingers!" I'm pretty sure I cured her of ever approaching another former OB patient out in public again!

heather, YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE. 38 weeks never looked so good.

you had me cracking up over here, with the touching of your brain, and the big powdered doughnut. too funny.

wishing you all the best from now until the big day.

You're getting so close! You look awesome. Keep breathing. Much love to you all.

I related being "checked" to the doctor trying to get to my tonsils through my crotch.... I've told all my friends that were having babies that too! Why is it that NO ONE thinks to tell you about that lovely procedure when you're asking what the most painful parts of childbirth are?!!?

Awwww, Heather! You look so good! And guess what? I'm officially neh.ver. having a baby!

I totally vote Sparrow Armstrong. Someone nominated it and I second it, wholeheartedly.

Oh I love you. You express what I feel but don't know how to say. Amen sister. I'm 50% effaced and 1 cm at the moment (at 38 1/2 weeks) and begging/praying/sacrificing small animals that this whole pregnancy thing will be over soon.

You look great! :)

Heather - Just wanted to say that I just recently started following your blog and I love it! Also, you have successfully scared the ever loving snot out me with that post. Just yesterday I was all "Let's have a baby honey!" Today it's more "You sleep upstairs, I'll sleep downstairs?"

Yay for the option to adopt children! I have determined that women who go the pregnancy route and then tell everyone, as they hold their little shriveled slimey child in their arms and say, with gleaming eyes, "that was the most important experience of my life!" those women are really just experiencing Stockholm Syndrome with this child who has kidnapped their body and life. They are blocking out all the horrors you described so beautifully here.

Well you can't fool me Stockholm ladies! I'll take all my kiddies post-utero, thank you very much!!!

Heh. When I was pregnant with my now-2-year-old, I didn't have any cervical checks because my midwives didn't do them routinely since they don't really mean much. So when my water broke and I went to the hospital, I had my first cervical check then and holy shit, it was the worth thing I'd ever experienced in my life (well, at least until labor started). I was writhing around in pain and when she was finally done my husband pulled my midwife out into the hall and said "Is it going to get worse than that??!" and she was like "um...yes."

You look absolutely wonderful!!

I laughed - out LOUD - at your description of "being checked." I just had my son (my first) in February, and the first time I got "checked" - I looked at my doctor and said, "Okay, really? That sucked." and she laughed and said "just you wait."

At 38 weeks exactly, I was 2 cm dilated, 80% effaced. Four days later, my water broke. Two hours after that I started with the contractions. By the time we got to the hospital, I was 5 cm, and could have the epidural (DUDE!) -- even before the contractions started getting horrible! My son was born within two hours of getting the epidural with just ten pushes...By all accounts, a super-duper labor & delivery. I hope yours is even easier.

I didn't realize so many people respond to your posts. I don't know if you'll see this, but here goes. Since you have been taking pics for the website, I thought it would be cool to see them all lined up, so we could see you grow. Any chance of that happening? I know that is something I could probably look up in a book (especially since I work in a library) but knowing you through this blog, I though it would be cool to see.
And I just wanted to say, having never been preggers myself, your honest accounts of what it is like (continuing with the heroine usage and whatnot)is rather refresing! Good luck.

the perfect name for not maria: berit
heather, you are wonderful and i wish you, jon, and leta the very best of luck...

So SO SOOO painful. I cringe thinking about it. It will be over soon. SOON. Repeat forty billion times.

You look great! Good news that you are making progress at least. With my little guy, I never effaced, thinned or anything. EVERYTHING had to be done manually. Not. Fun. Manual thinning, manual water breaking, petocin pumped into me, taking me from 0 to 10 in one hour. Hence, I'm only having one child. I see that you've backed off the donuts and the cigs, at least for the pic. Probably a good move.

i think my vcervix must be like a steel trap, because i never felt a thing at these appointments.

in the hospital, however, when the baby's head was squished down as far as possible into my cervix without coming out any further? and i stalled out at 8cm? and we were discussing c-section options? and my doctor put her hand up there and MADE A FIST? that was pain of another dimension that i can't even begin to describe. we decided that since the baby's head was bigger than the doctor's slender feminine fist and she could barely fit it up in there, that it might be smart to go for a c-section lest i tear up like a paper shredder had at it in my birth canal. fun.

here's wishing you a speedy and pain free birth!! one that does not happen in a toilet, too!

Thanks for your post and all the hilarious comments. I am 37 weeks, and I measure the success of each day based on whether my exhaustion, extreme cranky-pantsness, or pregnancy hormones caused me to eat anyone who annoyed me. Thanks for giving me a good laugh-lord knows I and the rest of everyone I come in contact with needed it!

So if you do have not Maria in a toilet, will there be reams of comments bemoaning the fact that the poor innocent baby had to make her entrance into the world in a room where THE TILE DIDN'T MATCH PERFECTLY AND OH MY GOD, THE FURNITURE WAS FROM IKEA?

Also, I'm 6 weeks now and you've scared the living shit out of me. Which was nice, because this whole pregnancy constipation thing blows.

you look fantastic!

Well, I am 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant 50% effaced, -2 station and dilated to a whopping 1. My point is: If you give birth before I do, I am no longer visiting your site (although I really do enjoy it and the title of your book is why I started reading your blog). Truthfully you only have to last to next Wednesday, my induction date, to keep me as a reader. I guess that is my delusional pregnancy self thinking that another miserable pregnant person would actually delay giving birth to spare my feelings...one can only dream.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I look forward to your continued views of newborns, lack of sleep and the feelings of "regaining" control over your body.

Look at your face, Heather! You are GLOWING. I am so happy for you, I could almost start crying right now.

Oh my goodness, you're getting so close! How exciting!! I can't wait to see pictures of the new little one =)

Also, thanks for not upselling the internals. Someone told me that being checked for dilation was nothing, that I wouldn't even feel it. When they checked me for the first time at 32 weeks (my husband is tall and I'm tiny, so apparently, they're worried that I'll deliver in a toilet VERY EARLY and still have a Goliath on my hands lol), I wanted to strangle that person. It's just uncomfortable prodding.

And then they tell you that yeah, nothing's going on, sorry about that? It's like WELL THEN WHY'D YOU STICK YOUR POKEY-ASS FINGERS UP MY VAGINA?!

Oh man. I HATED that too! I went into preterm labor almost 8 weeks early. I was admitted to the hospital and that first night a resident came in and did the "check" and I whimpered and cried. When my husband woke up to hear me, I told him it felt like she had tried to shove Bayley (my daughter whom I was pregnant with) up and out through my nose.

I just want to kick docs who say, "it'll only take a second.."

asshats.

im with that first commenter... Milla... very very good birth control!! lol- happy friday!

Yet, even after reading the horror stories, I still am looking forward to try to get knocked up.

Posts talking about how women's bodies just naturally know what to do seem to have a very limited grasp on reality. There is a reason that so many women have an array of complications in childbirth in countries without medical resources and countries with a strong medical community have so much less. Natural birthing sounds great, but I would want an OBGYN close by just in case....

Back on topic: Go Heather, go! May it be quick and painfree in what ever manner you can get it that way!

you look great. I have to say that when I read this I cringed through the whole thing. With my two daughters, being checked for me, was worse than the actual delivery. Oh my god, my legs are crossed just thinking about it.

Oooooohhhhh...this post had me clenching my own lady parts and warding off flashbacks! Checking my cervix never bothered me but after I delivered the twins my OB had to reach into my !!!!UTERUS!!!! to remove a bit of placenta that wouldn't come out on its own--i didn't have an epidural ladies. Awful, awful, awful. I would labor and deliver a hundred times over before going through that again.

Good to remember anytime i get into madly wondering what it would be like to have "just one more".

Good luck with no. 2 Dooce!

"Scratching the underside of your brain through your vagina" is EXACTLY how it feels. Right on the money there.

I'm going to go anonymous for this one because I just found out two weeks ago that I'm 6 weeks pregnant with number two. YIPPEE! Is how I've felt since seeing that second line. Ecstatic.

But now you're reminding me of all those things that happen toward the end. I remember this finger in the cervix thing and the fact that my doctor didn't warn me about it first. You're already lying there with your feet up, half naked and cold and BAM! She inserts a finger in there to check on dilation and to loosen things up, "move things along!"

It's really, really quite painful. Any even slight thought that remained about having a "natural" childbirth (sans the epidural) went completely out the window. I can't imagine going through all that cervical expansion without an epidural.

My wife is pregnant, or we are, or something. We've decided to try for a no-intervention birth, which is admittedly not the mainstream thing to do, and not for everyone, and other PC things to say.
What always amazes me and sometimes pisses me off is the way perfect strangers believe they have every right to tell you what you should do with YOUR body and YOUR baby. I'm gonna get cramps in my bird finger. And it's not even my belly people are walking up to rub. WTF?

@192 "I'll take all my kiddies post-utero" made me spit coffee through my nose on to the screen. Thanks for that.:D

Heather, you look amazing and happy and glowy and wonderful.

All my best wishes,
Penelope

p.s. I guess women really love to share their horror stories don't they? I'll keep mine to myself thank you.

This post took me back eight years to the time my doctor stripped my membranes. I was approaching my due date with my first child, and she did not tell me what she was doing, let alone ASK if it was ok. It was terribly painful, and it was not until later when my registered nurse aunt told me what had happened that I understood. To this day, I could bitch-slap that doctor if I saw her. I went into my second pregnancy determined that there was no way in hell my membranes would ever be stripped again. I don't knnow if that's what happened in your visit or not, but I do know it happens a lot, and I am apalled that such a practice happens all over the country every day with unsuspecting women basically being tortured for no good reason. Babies'll come when they're ready.

your boobs look killer. for being 38 weeks, you look amazing and make me want to get pregnant again... now.

best of luck with these last few days/weeks/etc...

Lucky bitch. And I say that with all love. At 41 weeks, I was locked up tighter than Fort Knox. 24 hours of Pitocin only got me to 3 cm.

Best of luck and here's hopin' your mucus plug makes an appearance soon! :)

When the doctor did said exam on my due date and told me that I was as closed up as Fort Knox, kicking the doctor right then in the face seemed like it would have been a very good idea.

Well said, Morgan, well said:

192. Morgan said:
Yay for the option to adopt children! I have determined that women who go the pregnancy route and then tell everyone, as they hold their little shriveled slimey child in their arms and say, with gleaming eyes, "that was the most important experience of my life!" those women are really just experiencing Stockholm Syndrome with this child who has kidnapped their body and life. They are blocking out all the horrors you described so beautifully here.
Well you can't fool me Stockholm ladies! I'll take all my kiddies post-utero, thank you very much!!!

i've enjoyed looking at your growing belly over the past few months. after you have your baby, i think that you should take weekly pictures of your shrinking stomach and post them here :)

what do you think?

I'm glad someone finally said what I was thinking: "Why am I the only one who reads this stuff and WANTS to be preggers??" My boyfriend thought he was getting a reprieve on babies by dating someone 11 years his junior. Poor man, was he ever wrong. Best wishes and all that, especially to Jon's fingers.

Has anyone else figured out the name pattern?

Heather, I, Jon, K, Leta, M, Not Maria!

I just have to say, you're 4 weeks ahead of me and it's been great to have someone to warn me about everything. All through my pregnancy it's been crazy how much stuff no one ever told me or warned me about and it's been much more miserable than I expected. Now you're coming to my rescue again, since I've heard all about cervical checks, but not once did anyone bother to mention that they hurt like the dickens. Now I'll be prepared. Thanks once again.

Well the good news is that today is National Donut Day so you can get a free powdered donut or twenty in order to help the next 13 waddling days go by!

Your latest post reminded me of a male similarity I experienced. I know - not even close in feminine discomfort, imposition, and inconvenience, but still, the following might offer a knowing smirk or two. I was writing a friend of a recent doc visit:

"all I can say is foul, foul, filth, foul, filth, foul, foul, filth! I finally made it to real old man status! It appears that something in my internals is/was/may have decided to fail. The, ummm, prost...thingy. I had to go to the doctor place to be checked for possible prostatis. I don't mind the aging bit, but I do mind the getting old part.

Unhappily, the white coats poked and probed where no one should journey and discovered absolutely nothing! Nada, zip, zero, zilch! I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but it leaves behind the unexplained symptomatic events. And based on my symptoms, lady doc assumed she'd find a swollen or lumpy prostate. "Nope. Right size and smoooooooth." Puzzled, she excavated a second time with unimagined intensity, so sure she had missed something from the first digs. "Does this hurt?" No. "Is this uncomfortable? Nope." I'm sure she loitered downtown for an hour. "Lessee, there's the prostate, bladder, the heart, lungs, back molars and a thinning pate."

Wow! I'm positive she went past the belly button and might have found Jimmy Hoffa and Nixon's missing 18 minutes of tape had she continued. BTW, I have a femdoc because of some valued advice received from my brother who's been through all this over and over; two simple but very informative words. "Small fingers!"

Thanks for sharing your journey in life...keeps us all smiling.

In the words of that great animated orator, Winnie the Pooh, Have A Happy Everything!

Fred

Why did the doctor that delivered Leta retire a few months afterwards? Was it that bad? Like the scene of one of those movies I can't watch?

Don't ever tell her this information........

yes, i agree with the anon commenter that what most likely occured was your membranes were stripped. when normally checking mere dilation, the fingers are inserted and then spread gently across the diameter. there is no need to go around the circumference in order to measure this. i've never heard that this is dangerous but it's definitely not something i'd want done without my knowledge. my midwife performed the sweep during my last two births but i was already in labor. i don't find cervical checks or membrane sweeps to be as gruesome as you described, but i'm one of those crazy natural birthers that tends not to think labor hurts until i'm 7cm or in transition.

also gretchen, what they used to do was leave women alone. like heather noted, these numbers are somewhat meaningless as far as determining when labor will begin or how long it will last.

I am so, so excited for you and the birth of your baby. It's odd to me that I'm this excited, seeing as I've never met you, but I'm a big fan and very, very happy for you. Congrats and I hope everything goes well!

This is my favorite Not-Maria pregnancy picture of you so far! You look so serene and confident and prepared. I just finished your book recently, and this picture is a startling contrast to the picture you painted there. I'm sure you'll have some sleepless nights and midnight tears because that comes with newborns, but CHEERS to your health and happiness, lady! You're radiant, and I'm so excited for your family :)

you look so much happier than I did at that last stage of pregnancy; I was doing floor tile and cleaning obsessively.

you know, I have to type '1:15' and 'urea' to post this?

take care of yourself. sorry about the cervical exam; they wouldn't check me at the hospital until I decided to get an epidural, though I wanted to find out how far I was before making the decision. Ben is seven weeks old and kicking my right leg as I type, so obviously it worked out in our favor.

You look wonderful...and hopefully you'll go into labor soon. I walked around at 5cm and 100% effaced for 2 weeks and was finally induced. You are absolutely right in saying that dilating doesn't necessarily mean anything.

YOU ARE ALMOST THERE!!! you are a rockstar it'll be over before you know it...oh... and by the way, Im a litte pissed off @ how AMAZING you look @ 38 weeks! When I Was that pregnant I would put in the head lock anyone trying to get a snap shot of the elephant formally known as Hiliari! lol you look amazing...

oh my god you are freakin' tiny!!!

congrats. good luck. here's to drugs. hope it's quick!

Nice rack, Heather! And good luck!

Everyday when I come to check in on your site I find myself laughing harder than the last. The way you tell your stories is my daily amusement. Who knew that a visit to the Gynocologist could be so hilarious? {for us, anyway. Not you.}

You are still looking beautiful as ever in all of your pregnant glory.

Oh, and by the way....your new Masthead is PERFECT!

OK, the Madonna smile and radiance is back. Personally, I'm glad the masthead still features donettes and cig. Has Leta felt the baby move? Maybe you said & I missed it.
Here's something to visualize: all your Dooce fans lined up passing you Gatorade and cheering as you pass the baby finish line! Go you.

Oh, god. You just gave me reason #8,554 why I am never, EVER having children. (I mean, I made that decision after my first babysitting gig at the age of 13 and have successfully stuck by it for almost 25 years ... but it's been a while since I've so vehemently renewed that vow to myself. Thanks for the reminder.)

Enormous? Absolutely not! You look great. I just passed my due date yesterday with no progress to report, so CONGRATS on that (I’m jealous). My belly is sticking straight out - I’ve been asked twice if I’m having twins (and I’m not).

And I am right there with you on the “exams”. My friends warned me about them, but no warning can help prepare you for getting your tonsils checked via your vagina. Thanks for being so honest about everything involved in pregnancy – it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who doesn’t “love being pregnant.”

Best of luck with everything. Hopefully we both have our babies soon

Ugh.. when will doctors and everyone else for that matter realize that babies are born when THEY are ready, not when the mother or the doctor is ready. Cervical checks are barbaric, some day I hope they will go away. If Mother Nature intended us to know the status of our cervix she would have made it a lot easier.

And Jen #15, your doctor "forced" you to go to 39 weeks? I can't believe you would prefer forcibly removing your babies before they are fully developed, just because you are uncomfortable. Didn't you know that pregnancy might be uncomfortable?

And some people wonder why we have such a messed up aggressive and violent society. I think the answer is in how we treat our babies.

My feet hurt, my back hurts, I'm tired of being pregnant, I don't care if my baby is ready to be born someone cut him out of me! Ok now that he's out, wrap him up and take him away from me, the person he was physically attached to his whole life, and keep him in a nursery for few hours. Oh and while your at it, cut off the foreskin of his penis. Why? Just because. Oh and don't bother using anything to numb the pain. He's just a baby, he doesn't understand. Better to do it now before he can complain. Ok now that we're home, your dad and I are going to sleep together in here. Oh no, you have to sleep by yourself in another room. Yeah I know you slept inside my body for 9 months, but you'll get used to being by yourself.

Could you delete #285? What an ass.

You look muy bonita señora!

I wish you the best. You're so brave! I only did it once :-|

Bless you Heather Armstrong, you brighten my day. Good luck on these last few days, I just recently went through it and my son was a week late. That was a week of me going completely crazy, trying to force it to happen sooner. I mean really I was all on board with letting nature take it's course and for him to signal my body when he was ready, intellectually that made sense. And for my values that made sense. But my daughter was 3 weeks early and I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was "LATE" LATE LATE LATE....

So I was a freak for the last week...

whew... glad that's over, now I can move on to being a freak about other things!

ha

Yikes. As I got closer to my due date, I had the joy of my doctor "breaking up some scar tissue" on my cervix from a prior surgery--he was concerned that the scar tissue was keeping me from dilating.

I could have used a bit of preparation (or an epidural) for that little experience, because OH_MY_GOD, that fucking HURT. And it happened to be at an appointment that my husband attended with me. I didn't hold his hand, so there were no broken bones, but my husband said later he knew it had to be extremely painful because he'd noticed the tears in my eyes (I never cry). He nearly vomited on my behalf. That's teamwork for you.

Heather, you look fabulous. Not long to wait now--can't wait to meet Not Maria! :)

I'm sure not for you, but time has FLOWN by.
Seems like last week you announced the big news.

Well, look on the bright side. If you have to resort to the toilet, at least the bathroom is finished..Good luck!

LOL! Holy cow! You have a way with imagery. :) Women who give birth with OBGYN's at a hospital go through so many more intrusive and cold interactions with their doc's than I ever experiences with either of my births with a home birth midwife. Kudos to you for seeing the humor in it! I think its one of your best qualities. When I read stuff like that I get pissed at the medical community for being so fucking ignorant as to what the hell a normal healthy pregnancy is like, and what it calls for in terms of "being checked."

You are one strong mama in so many ways and really have a way with words!