• http://www.grafficgeorgiamom.blogspot.com Andee

    So, so true! Here’s to hoping the baby comes soon!

  • http://www.kristenspoutsoff.blogspot.com Lollyblogger

    Crikey. I remember that exam. I looked up at the ceiling and said “Hey Doc? Umm.. I think you just touched my tonsils.” Not fun.

    And by the way- today is National Doughnut Day, so get thee to a Krispy Kreme as soon as possible. I hope they have the light on for you.
    All the best!

  • http://erinkcreations.blogspot.com Erin K

    Ohmyheck you look fantastic.

    Sorry about the intrusion on your personal space. I am amazed looking back, at how much modesty I lost by the end of my child birth experience. I mean it was to the point to where when someone would walk into the room I’d just pull up my little gown and spread them. Then the guy who was changing a lightbulb would look all shocked and do his work.

    I also remember that I was semi-worshiping the epidural guys. I mean I would have given them all my worldly possessions I loved them so much. I cried and thanked them and huged them. I told them I loved them.

    The whole experience is totally weird.

    But you get a kid in the end so that’s fun.

  • http://lakeovermoon.photoposts.org/ jamieapple

    congrats, on the upcoming arrival of your 2nd child!

    as someone who is ‘considering’ having children someday your honestly, and funny funny/ha ha, is appreciated…

  • http://scrappinjenny.blogspot.com Jennifer

    Doesn’t being a woman just suck sometimes?

    When I was pregnant with my daughter, I went in for a check up a week AFTER my due date and was told that I was not dilated at all. I went home and cried for two hours and kept wailing that I was going to be pregnant forever. The next day I started having labor pains. I went to the hospital only to find out I was at 1 centimeter and 5% effaced. They sent me home where I stayed for several more hours. When the labor pains became unbearable, we went back only to find out I was now at 2 centimeters and 25% effaced. Luckily they admitted me because in the matter of only a few hours I went to 5 centimeters and fully effaced. But then I had an epidural and that stopped everything completely. Good times.

  • April

    You look AMAZING. Almost all women I have seen at 38 weeks have that just crawled out of bed look after trying to look presentable.

    Looking forward to seeing lot of beautiful pictures of the baby.

  • http://momnow.wordpress.com Krys

    I referred to this part of the examination as “birthing a cow”. If you’ve ever seen a farmer check on a calf that’s still in the cow you know exactly what I mean.

  • RzDrms

    i keep eyeing your BOOBS! probably totally against all mormon teachings. but…wowza!

  • http://salabee.blogspot.com Sarah

    I saw a headline this morning that read “Armstrong announces birth of son on Twitter page”. I could think of no other Armstrong who Twitters than you but was perplexed because I thought you were having a girl. Turns out there is another Armstrong out there, Lance! Maybe I need to stop reading your blog so much, didn’t even know he was expecting!

  • http://zeldamom.blogspot.com Janet

    OMG! You are so funny! I totally agree with you about the fingers. Those exams ALWAYS hurt with the male doctor I had with all three of my kids. When I was done with the pregnancy thing, I had to change clinics, and got a female doctor. Those exams no longer hurt. Hmmm, either he had short fingers or he figured he had to prove something.
    You’re doing great!

  • http://prettybabies.blogspot.com Amy

    Heather, honey, if checking is that uncomfortable for you, and since you know it doesn’t indicate a darn thing, don’t let them do it anymore!!!

    It’s a very efficient way of introducing infection, and a very inaccurate way of estimating how “ripe” you are. It’s useless. Say no.

    Have a good baby!

    Your non-facebook friend,
    Amy

  • bohica

    I swear I looked as big as you when I was six months pregnant! By the time I hit the end, the kids were down between my knees. YOU, on the other hand, look positively svelte!

    Who’s going to let us know when you go into labour? The internets need to know these things. You MUST know that it’s more important to inform the masses than to get you to the hospital post-haste … ;)

  • http://retsbew.com AmyElle

    I just had to say you look amazing.

    I got lucky. Since I was premature, no one wanted to do that with me, so they just kept doing an ultrasound. Would much prefer that method to the dr’s fingers.

    And the cervix checking….that would be the reason I never went into OB nursing. My hands are just too small. I refuse to torture another woman with that.

    Hopefully your current status means you will meet Not Maria very soon. Wishing you an easy labor and delivery.

  • Anonymous

    In case you haven’t heard it enough lately . . . I found this post hilarious, incredibly creative, and disturbingly 100% accurate. Good luck on your progress. And you are positively BRILLIANT for placing an adult-sized bed in that beautiful nursery. Why don’t more people do this? – Austin Mom of Two

  • Shelley

    Yeah this is one of those things that usually you mothers don’t tell us non-mothers about and now even though a baby for me is nowhere in the near future I’m terrified!

  • Mel

    HEY…I wish there was some chance in hell that you’d see this–looked at your ‘HOPE’ photo….

    Why not name her Hope?

  • Ninabi

    The nursery looks ready. You look ready.

    I think every woman on this site who has had a baby can sympathize with how you are feeling on these last few days of being pregnant- weary of the discomfort, wanting to see and hold your new little baby.

    Until then, I hope the powdered donuts bring some comfort.

  • http://www.themassdefective.blogspot.com Sid

    Ah…the memories and nightmares your blog keeps bringing back of those long past days of being pregnant. I’m glad I was wise enough to only go through being violated by the fingers of seemingly every human being on earth just once.

    I’m amazed by the photos you’ve been posting of your belly. At 38 weeks, you look about the size I did at 3 weeks. You apparently didn’t eat nearly as many donuts as I did!

  • KJ

    I don’t ever comment, but after GRETCHEN’s “grunt and throw rocks” comment, I had to add in my two cents…which is…LMAO!!!!

  • T

    In response to Tori:
    However, it is recommended that underweight women gain considerably more weight during their pregnancy than 20-25 pounds.You just didn’t mention it.

    -Someone who gained 40 pounds during her pregnancy and was still induced because she wasn’t gaining and growing enough.

  • Bittermama

    I’ve never commented here, but couldn’t resist sharing that about three months after delivering my second child I was on an airport shuttle bus with the two kids and a young woman approached me somewhat shyly and said “I’m an OB fellow at X hospital and I think I was there when you delivered your baby.” Without thinking, I blurted out (far too loudly for a full shuttle bus) “Oh right! The one with the REALLY short fingers!” I’m pretty sure I cured her of ever approaching another former OB patient out in public again!

  • Hey Jude

    maybe someone already asked this question… how many boobs do you have? Three? Four? Not Maria is “good to go.” Congrats in advance and best wishes for a quick one.

  • http://zipbagofbones.blogspot.com Cat

    I am disproportionately excited about this addition to your family, as if it’s an addition to MY family, and I’m ridiculously ravenous for each tidbit of birthing news from the Armstrong front. Seriously, this is like watching one of those outdated buildings on the Vegas strip being torn down. You’re imploding in slow motion. Except, you know, outwards.

  • http://www.picknicksbrain.com Nicole

    Yeouch!! I remember that a bit too much. I also remember being insanely impatient about my 2nd son to COME OUT already! EVERRRRYYYONE said how he’d come out early b/c the 2nd was always early. Sure. Yeah. Right. I wanted to tell everyone to SHUT UP! So, there I was walking with one foot on the curb and one foot on the street around my cul-de-sac during my lunch hour (I work at home) with my huge belly not caring what the neighbors thought because I was the one carrying the extra 50 pounds. So, yeah, he was a few days late but he did come out, at least. I had a VBAC which was pretty damn awesome!

    You look great in your picture! And, I hope this one sleeps better than Leta. My first was a HORRIBLE sleeper, but my 2nd was “decent” (not perfect) so you never know. :) Hopefully you get one of those “easy” ones I read about in those things called fairy tales.

  • http://www.frecklewonder.com jenny

    heather, YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE. 38 weeks never looked so good.

    you had me cracking up over here, with the touching of your brain, and the big powdered doughnut. too funny.

    wishing you all the best from now until the big day.

  • Lee Twim Mom

    #286 Comment #15 said she went to 36 weeks with twins (not 39) which physically is like being 48 weeks with just one baby! Sorry this woman didn’t “suffer” enough for you but are you aware that before medical intervention (100 + years ago) 1/4 deliveries resulted in maternal and/or infant death?? Multiple pregnancy deliveries much higher death rates. You are right that our society has medicalized the birth process too much, but you have no right to accuse this mom of opting for an induced delivery of her twins for convenience or personal comfort. My twins were induced at 35 weeks because I had pre-eclamspia, my brain had started to swell and without medical treatment I would have died. Please reserve your judgy judgements and try to understand that most pregnant women are very concerned for the health of their babies – not JUST you. You owe that mom and apology and should learn to play nice as you comment annonymously on the internet.

    Good luck Dooce!

  • Carole

    I really enjoy your blog, I’ve been following it for a year and it’s always a highlight in my day :) I love your dogs and all your funny stories! You look incredible!! Congrats :)
    - Carole

  • ElGee

    Baby Hope will be here in a flash, and you look so amazingly beautiful! I’m so excited for you and Jon and Leta, you’re going to do so great!

  • Emily

    You’re getting so close! You look awesome. Keep breathing. Much love to you all.

  • http://www.tastestopping.wordpress.com Casey

    Just make sure to stash a box of powdered doughnuts in each of your bathrooms, you know, for sustenance and quick energy, should that baby decide to migrate from the cheap seats over your American Standard.

  • http://paperiepetals.blogspot.com Kim

    Yeah…I was 50% effaced and dilated for 14 long and agonizing days without ever going into labor with either one of mine. Goodness, they did not want to come out! It took breaking my water – ohh…contractions feel so nice after one’s water has been broken – to get labor to start. Nothing like being slammed into hard labor from the get go…Thank God someone invented the epidural! ;-)

    Best wishes for a safe, healthy, and fast delivery!

  • http://dimplecheek.blogspot.com dimplecheek

    You look AMAZING and happy! Congratulations on rounding third and heading for home plate. That’s one lucky little girl waiting to come out. All the best wishes for you, Jon and Leta. (Chuck and Coco too)

  • Crystal

    I related being “checked” to the doctor trying to get to my tonsils through my crotch…. I’ve told all my friends that were having babies that too! Why is it that NO ONE thinks to tell you about that lovely procedure when you’re asking what the most painful parts of childbirth are?!!?

  • cybercita

    omg, you are funny.

  • http://www.scribblinginsanantonio.com Scribbling in San Antonio

    I have to say I agree with the Bradley girl… I did Bradley too and since they don’t really mean anything and can’t really tell you anything, they are totally unnecessary. next time, just tell your doc you’ll skip it…

    what did you really learn anyways?

    by the way, you do look gorgeous! hope the ten days flies by and all goes smoothly. i am so excited for you.

  • http://ttownjimmyjam.wordpress.com T-Town Jimmy Jam

    And the weird thing is that I have to admit that I was all “where is the nurse to check me? It must be time for the epidoral by now” The “checking” nurse became my best friend while in labor…

  • http://walkingtomaine.blogspot.com Betsy

    Awwww, Heather! You look so good! And guess what? I’m officially neh.ver. having a baby!

    I totally vote Sparrow Armstrong. Someone nominated it and I second it, wholeheartedly.

  • nikkip

    oh, wow! look at your boobies.

  • Katie

    You look GREAT! And I’m laughing hysterically over the “peace” sign comment! I never looked at it that way but it’s true nonetheless.

  • Anonymous

    And now that there is no post today, we’ll all be wondering… Was today the day that Not Maria made her appearance?!

    It reminds me of the pre-natal classes we took. On day one, our oh-so-cool instructor gave us our best lesson. “Okay, when you go home tonight, call everyone. Your mum, your mum-in-law, your best friend, your employer, your neighbour, your mailman, EVERYONE. Tell them that your doctor was wrong, and your due date has been pushed back by at least three weeks. It’s bad enough just waiting for that blessed day on the calendar. [And wondering how long you're going to waddle past it!] Let alone when you’re fielding calls, emails and texts from everyone you’ve told asking you if you’ve had the babe yet!”

    Best wishes to you and your fam as the birth date draws every closer. Such exciting times!

  • http://elizabethcarroll.wordpress.com Elizabeth Carroll

    Oh I love you. You express what I feel but don’t know how to say. Amen sister. I’m 50% effaced and 1 cm at the moment (at 38 1/2 weeks) and begging/praying/sacrificing small animals that this whole pregnancy thing will be over soon.

    You look great! :)

  • http://curlynel.blogspot.com Chanel

    i hope you give birth in a toilet. that would be such an interesting read.

  • Malinda

    Ummm… at 38 weeks, how are you still doing your hair? At this point in my pregnancy, I had a 1985 scrunchie on top of my head that barely resembled a bun/pony/train wreck. You look great. I feel the energy and positivity in your writing, this is a good place to be. Before you know it, she’ll be 6 weeks old and you will wonder how in the world that happened?!?! Thanks for sharing!

  • http://silverstreamer.blogspot.com Bethany

    There is something to your facial expression that says… “Tired now… let’s do this thing.”

    Also… let me congratulate your boobs on achieving greatness. I feel fully confident that you will not be offended by my saying so…. since talk of whole hands being jammed up twa’s is regular stuff here. Those are not the boobs of last year…. those are the Not Maria boobs of 2009.

    Rock that baby birthin’. We all know you will do great.

  • Kristen

    Heather – Just wanted to say that I just recently started following your blog and I love it! Also, you have successfully scared the ever loving snot out me with that post. Just yesterday I was all “Let’s have a baby honey!” Today it’s more “You sleep upstairs, I’ll sleep downstairs?”

  • Amy

    You look great! Best wishes for a safe and healthy delivery.

    Does your care provider have to “check”? There is no medical reason for them to do that. I declined for them to do that to me after I found out it made no difference knowing it or not.

  • Diana

    This is the time, seriously, to have several “sessions” with Jon. Honestly this will soften up your cervix (there is medical evidence supporting this I’m not just making it up- no one is too anxious to have alot of sex at this point). Then walk around your neighborhood. Then have some of those horrible fake cheese nachos from 7-11, the kind you can only eat when you are pregnant. Worked for me through 4 pregnancies!

  • http://www.deepnthought.com Brittany

    It sounds like what you are describing from your check-up is a membrane sweep! This is going to sound crazy, but I was at 41 weeks going on 42 and I requested one….BUT that is because they are meant to get labor started(sometimes they don’t do shit though). If I were you I’d be a little ticked with your OBGYN. That in my opinion is something that definitely requires consent even if you are close to 40 weeks. Best wishes though, you are almost there!!

  • Morgan

    Yay for the option to adopt children! I have determined that women who go the pregnancy route and then tell everyone, as they hold their little shriveled slimey child in their arms and say, with gleaming eyes, “that was the most important experience of my life!” those women are really just experiencing Stockholm Syndrome with this child who has kidnapped their body and life. They are blocking out all the horrors you described so beautifully here.

    Well you can’t fool me Stockholm ladies! I’ll take all my kiddies post-utero, thank you very much!!!

  • http://pregnantnotretarded.blogspot.com/ AustralianBehemoth

    Dooce, I’m about 3 weeks behind you, and wishing you all the best for your birth. ANd thanking you for writing so well about it all.

    Also, thank you for providing these comments as a public service (cervix?). For instance, there are SO MANY things I have learned reading your blog and the comments. I’d never even heard of this cervical checking thing, and was juuuust getting squirmy when I saw someone else commented from Australia: apparently, we don’t do that here. Number 2 reason for living in Australia (number one is all the weird marsuipial action).

    for all you legs-crossed, birth control women commenters, I feel like I should say (even though it’s totally your choice of course) that I think being pregnant is pretty bloody great. It’s so exciting, and there are many days that I still cannot believe this is happening to me. I’m the most cynical person I know, and even so, I still tell everyone I see that it’s bloody grand. Completely innate and utterly bizarre all at once. And I have had a pretty shitty pregnancy, and am (probably) heading torwards a complicated birth.