• misheru

    Totally reminds me of my youngest child’s ability to rocket poop from her diaper when she was that age. There was a reason we sold our old car as scrap. Also, she could hit walls, even with a diaper on. It was impressive.

    Also reminds me of last week, when one of the dogs I’m petsitting left what must be the biggest shit I have ever seen in the middle of the living room. It was like linebacker-who-had-the-all-you-can-eat-ribs big, and I used a shovel to pick it up. A SHOVEL. AND IT FILLED IT.

    Good times.

  • LinKelley

    Sounds to me like Marlo is saying, “Grandma.”

  • hmccreary

    Ohhh I really needed that laugh today….thanks for the poopy comic relief.

  • Laura Jones

    Two hours before all my guests arrived for Christmas the old cat peed in the heat vent. Since she never did this before it took me a while to figure out why the guest bathroom reeked. We started keeping that door shut and she found other heat vents. So for Christmas my house smelled like a cooked litter box.

  • Bree

    OMG I love this. I love this so much. I LOVE when Dooce posts about deuces. :) It’s fantastically funny.

  • nadia

    Time for a dog door!

  • mrscunning14

    My daughter also started climbing before she started walking. If she and Marlo are anything alike–brace yourself. You’re in trouble! Marlo looks so sweet and proud of herself.

    The poop story was very entertaining. I’m so sorry for poor Chuck.

  • cory212

    OK, so now the new house has been officially christened!

  • mrs.notouching

    “Soaking up dog shit. Wiping away dog shit. Throwing away dog shit. And it just went on and on and on.” – see, shit like that will definitely bump you up at least to number twenty-five this year!
    P to the S I just finished reading the book about baby’s brain development and apparently climbing develops the same part of the brain that later is responsible for everything math. Now you will be less shocked when in about a month Marlo will finally resolve The Hodge Conjecture.

  • MiSs.PoLkA.dOtS

    After a bad day, reading this made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants! Thanks for the story sorry for the poo!

  • bluzdude

    My girlfriend keeps saying we need to get pets. Your post just helps me dig in my heels.

    I avoided poop for most of my life by not having kids. No need to substitute dog poop.

  • apostate

    Why I don’t have a dog. Because I wouldn’t inflict an outside dog on the neighbors. And because animals are not for houses.

  • Sarah C

    Oh wow, Dooce. I thought no one would ever top MY sick-dog-horror-story. I was visiting my boyfriend in Miami over MLK holiday weekend and we woke up Monday morning to NINE piles of bright orange dog vomit on his white (rented apartment) carpet. After taking him for a walk, the dog threw up 3 more times. My boyfriend panicked after he kept trying to feed him, and the dog kept throwing up. Finally (after MUCHO scrubbing!!), he called the only open vet in the area, and we took him to South Beach. We waited almost 2 hours, with a bill totaling $500. While my boyfriend got ready to pay, I took the car to get us lunch and a much needed to-go beer. The takeout place was slow and when I came back out, the car had been towed. I had to walk 4 blocks to find it, with a hurt knee from running the night before. It was $250 to get the car out of impound. I didn’t have a bottle opener for our to-go beer either. And the dog’s diagnosis? Nothing. No parasites. No internal damage from eating crazy things off the street. My boyfriend fasted the dog for the rest of the day and he never threw up again.

  • momof8

    Oh my, thank you for reminding me why we don’t have pets . . . and btw do you make up the comment test words? Mine were: Placenta working???

  • Tricia

    Thank you for bringing me to my senses yet again on the issue of pet-ownership. No pets, no way, now how. Two children provide enough shit for any household.

  • Mandy

    God, that’s just so funny. I can just feel the disgust in your words and that’s what makes me laugh so much. Just that fact it was Chuck too and also that you were already contending with baby poos…ahh, Thank you!

  • HalalaMama

    Though I’m sorry about your morning of poop…that last line made it totally worth it (for me anyway).

  • belletoes

    OH MY GAHHHH! I am alternating between wiping away the tears and squeezing my legs together so I don’t pee my pants! It is one thirty in the AM and I’m dying laughing. I have been in your position many many times with my poochens.
    It wasn’t until my Trigger passed away three years ago that my husband and I realized that all of the times we screamed and left him out on the porch for pooping in the house – it was his bitchy little sister Mo Mo Shanaynay! (Chuck’s twin)
    I hear Martha Stewart has a new paint color for the dining room…………dog shit spray. Thanks for the laughs! Nature’s Miracle works great!

  • Couture Coco

    OMG and you want CHICKENS too?! I used to be with you & Tyrant on that but now I KNOW Jon is right!

  • kshooter

    Ya know, I learned to deal with baby poop from working in a nursery and changing diaper after diaper every day, but there is just something about the though/sight/smell of dog poop inside that just makes the bile inch up the back of my throat.

    Oh, and it sounds like Marlo is trying to say either “Come on” or “climbing”. She’s so stinking adorable!

  • pmaha

    I’ve been wanting to ask this question for about 13 months now: What are you feeding your child that she shits like that? I breast-fed my son and this never happened. I made all his baby food and this never happened. I don’t know of one single parent who, outside of sickness, has a child who has this kind of explosive shit. I am just curious.

  • onelumen

    Hydrogen peroxide. Spray it on the “brown spot” and let it sit for a bit, then wipe it off. Repeat as necessary. A vet turned us on to this. Breaks down the proteins and, therefore, leaves no stain, no smell. Works on all bodily fluids. We use it on carpet, wood, walls (yes, I feel your pain!), clothes, etc.

  • mjryates

    I have never laughed so hard reading one of your posts.

  • Billygean

    Maybe he’s got heatstroke?!

    - http://www.billygean.co.uk – Compulsive Reading

  • Penelope

    Sorry that shit happened, but thanks so much for sharing! This was a hilarious way to start off the day.

    Also, the video was an ovary-mover. I just got bit by the baby bug and Marlo sealed it.

  • bethysmalls

    That video is the greatest. I have a very active child myself and he was never so deliberate when climbing the stairs. It was always a haphazard mess of flailing, footie pajama’d limbs flying up the un-carpeted stairs. He’s been climbing stairs for about a year. I’m just now getting over my anxiety.

  • anya

    Well, Heather, seeing glimpses of your house I am so happy for you/jealous that it’s hard to feel sorry for you for wiping dog/baby shit off the floors/walls of your beautiful new MANSION! So boo hoo, enjoy the new digs.

  • TexasKatie

    I don’t get how you got from cute baby crawling on the stairs to dog spraying shit everywhere.

    Anyway… that is really gross. LOL.

  • Rumblelizard

    I rarely recommend products, but as a dog owner, I can’t recommend the Bissell Spotlifter 2X enough.

    I bought one for my sister, who has three dogs. She dubbed it the “Sh*tsucker 2000″ after one particularly horrifying incident with her dogs much like the one you just described, and she said that she’d still be cleaning up two years later if she hadn’t had it.

    My cat-owning friends say that it works just as well for horrific hairball incidents.

    Dooce, I promise you, once you have one of these things you’ll wonder how you lived without it.

  • katliz

    I adopted my first dog last September, a gorgeous American Bulldog/Pit mix. He was just over a year old, obedience and housetrained, and I was in love.

    Until 3 weeks later when he woke me at 4 am, howling. He had Russian-submarine-quantity diarrhea in his crate, the surrounding walls, furniture, everywhere. The memory of it still makes me gag.

    The culprit? We found the remnants of a very large squash next to the garden. He ate an entire 3 lb squash.

  • hellohillary

    New house, meet the Armstrongs!

  • raspberryripple

    I read this last night on my iPod touch in bed before going to sleep…well, almost read all of it…my husband nearly kicked me out of bed because I was shaking so hard with laughter. The memories of tag teaming my daughter the pooping champion along with the Chuck disaster were enough to set our bed in motion.

    If you only knew how great it felt for me to laugh like that…thanks.

  • aussome1

    congratulations on the new house!! Can’t wait to see all the photos you upload!! Love the main and master so far how beautiful.

    Almost peed my pants reading about Chuck and Coco. What one must do when one has dogs. I think all dog/cat owners have been there just maybe not in a brand new house!! Thanks for the “poop” this week!! I needed the laugh out loud today!! It has been dreary raining and flash flooding for 2 days and it sucks and your poop brightened my day!!

    Oh and btw…Chuck looks like he has gotten over it in the photo as the sun dial!!

  • Abra Cat

    Wow. I’m grateful I only had to deal with a gallon of dog pee on my son’s bed this morning…

  • Chris2fer

    Maybe Chuck is getting used to his new house? My Westie has a nervous poopy reaction with new surroundings. It seems to fit that Chuck would have intestinal issues.

    Or maybe he had some bad Shiraz with his afternoon pipe.

  • ehorn

    Possible solution: plastic shopping bag. Put Marlo’s legs through the handles and make sure the sack part catches her poop. You can buy larger diapers so the bag full of poop doesn’t get squeezed out of the top. If you ever do this, I want pictures. And if it works, you have to name your next dog after me.

  • susnot

    this is probably the most hilarious and disgusting story i have ever read. i love it.

  • Nytro21

    This sounds soooo familiar. Our dog used to get into the grapes hanging on the fence in the backyard. Pools of poop. And paw prints of poop. All through the house. AND SHE NEVER LEARNED cuz she got into the grapes at least once a year for five years. Or rather, I NEVER LEARNED.

  • MustangSally

    Are you all philosophically opposed to doggy doors or something? Or are you not installing one because you are paranoid the aliens would lure Marlo to crawl out through there (or would come in through there….)

    All I’m saying is… there’s a reason God invented Doggy Doors.

  • jupiterangel

    Don’t get me wrong – I love most everything you post – but posts about poop are my favorite. Laughed out loud through the whole story!

  • d3 voiceworks

    i hope when jon had breakfast with the kids as instructed — at the bar — he enjoyed a bloody mary ?

  • screwdestiny

    And this is why I don’t have dogs. Having to clean up dog shit/diarrhea and piss like, once a week or more, especially in an amazing new house, is just not something I EVER want to have to do. I’ll stick with my low-maintenance cat. :)

  • curlsz

    I have to say – lately every picture and story of Marlo has had my uterus jumping all over town – AND NOW OH GOD NOW!!! The uterus laid back down, hit the snooze button, pulled the blankets up and spit obscenities at me for waking her up. Oh and I remember why I don’t have a dog.

  • JennfromCanada

    Oh I feel your pain. We have two dogs, both of them are crated. Our little dog is crated on top of our big dog.

    Anyway, I came home from work one day and when I walked into the house I could smell it. My poor little Charlotte had diarrhea so bad that she had flipped her crate off of the big dog’s crate and there was poop everywhere. I had to bath her, wash the floor, the wall, the big dog’s crate.

    But I still keep her crated on top of his crate and I should know better but that’s the way it is at our house.

    I wanted to LOL at your post but I’m at work and couldn’t. Just know that I was laughing inside at your poop story.


  • Anxious Annie

    Everything you show of that house gets more and MORE fabulous! Where’s your latest post/review of Design Star???

  • midge

    I have to comment here about your hallway, which just brought me to orgasm. So, so jealous.

  • ChickWhitt

    And even after that, I am still insanely jealous of your house and would steal it from you, given the opportunity.

    I would want Marlo too.

  • tdotjen

    wow, I think you outdid even yourself from the baby Leta days with poop talk.

  • Mrs. Q.

    Way to ruin a perfectly good new house, guys! I’d say, Pull-ups all around.

  • freckleface

    Oh my gosh… this reminds me of about 8 months ago when my dalmatian was a puppy – granted, a 45 lbs puppy – and I was taking him somewhere in the backseat of my car. Everything was fine until he started having horrible diarrhea EVERYWHERE. Inside the holes the seatbelts come out of, inside the seatbelts themselves, in the cracks of the seats, on the floor, all over my fabric interior… EVERYWHERE. Then, of course, he proceeded to pace around in it and spread it further and really mash it in… I freaked out, turned around and sped home (luckily I was only 2 minutes away), rushed him into the bathroom to be cleaned up later, and then proceeded to spend an hour trying to clean up my car. Meanwhile I was sobbing so hard that I couldn’t breathe, and in between gasps I was repeating “It’s everywhere… it’s everywhere” over and over. That is, until I switched to a more desperate “it’ll never come out! It’ll NEVER come OUT!!”. Just be glad you have hardwood floors and not carpet! Although that is a shame about your wall… poor Chuck.

    As an aside, I laughed so hard at comment #2 by Emmy, and think that it sounds like a book review. “Poop’s never been so funny!” That should probably be your masthead next month.