When networking goes horribly wrong

I didn’t think this time would ever come, but in the last couple of months I have had to reassess my list for a reason other than “this one hates dogs” or “that one has toe hair.”

You’re like, this had better not be her grocery list.

The list list. The five people you would most like to have sex with outside of your marriage, and if one of them called you up and was all, hey girl, your significant other would have to give you a pass. Except, the people on your list have to be so out of reach that such a phone call would not ever happen. So out of reach that you cannot know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows their dentist.

Enter: Christy Turlington. Those who are familiar with my list asked me if I brought this up with her during our trip to Bangladesh, and I was like, RIGHT. How on earth was that conversation supposed to go?

“I really want to have sex with your friend’s husband.”

And then she’d be like, great. Nice to meet you, too!

A few weeks before our trip I read a profile of Gwyneth Paltrow in Bon Appetit talking about her cookbook. She mentioned throwing a party for a whole bunch of her friends, and Christy is quoted in the article. SHE WAS AT THAT PARTY. Guess who happened to be there, too? Gwyneth’s husband. Chris Martin. Occupier of the top spot on my list.

He couldn’t be fifth, COULD HE. NO. He had to be at the top. So I awkwardly approached my husband and asked if there might be an exception to the rules, like, maybe instead of taking someone off of your list you just move them down a few notches. I didn’t tell him why I was asking, only that a friend wanted to know.

“Christy Turlington knows Gwyneth Paltrow, doesn’t she?” he said more than asked.

DAMMIT.

Turns out, yes, they know each other well. Very well, so Chris had to be erased completely from the list. So I wrote his name on a piece of embossed stationery, folded it in half and buried it in the back yard, the silence broken only as my tears bounced off the fresh dirt. SEE WHAT YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON, CHRIS.

What a sorry state my list was in! No number one, and two whole spots occupied by Michael Phelps? HEATHER. Pull yourself together. What if some hunky famous person calls in the next couple of weeks for some action and he’s not listed? The rules say you’d have to turn him down. My marriage vows do, too, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT.

I’ve had to come up with a revised list, and this is not easy work! There are only five spots and yet very many famous people getting in shape for their next role!

And I don’t remember what it was, oh, wait. Yes I do. It was this clip of Ryan Gosling feeding an apple to his dog when I remembered how I used to really dislike Ryan Gosling, not for any particular reason, only that people (little girls) kept raving about “The Notebook” and I most certainly was not going to see “The Notebook” until I finally gave in and saw “The Notebook” and HOLY SHIT, I LOOOOOOOVE RYAN GOSLING.

That kissing scene in the rain. You cannot finish watching that movie with your virginity intact. Not possible.

And then here he is breaking up a street fight. Behold his arms:

Almost all of the work he has done since “The Notebook” has deepened that love. He’s hot, pure sex even, but he’s also… strange. Sometimes he looks like his great grandfather from Hoboken dressed him, but he doesn’t care. And it’s that not caring that takes him from no where near my list to the top spot.

So here’s what it looks like now:

1. Ryan Gosling
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Brad Pitt
4. Clive Owen
5. Damon Albarn

What is the state of your list?

  • Mammy_P

    Dang. I’m going to get myself in trouble, here. I have TWO lists: one looks quite a bit like the fine, fine lists you’ve all got going on:
    1. Colin Firth, but dressed as Mr Darcy
    2. Gerard Butler
    3. Dave Gahan
    4. Eddie Vedder
    5. Ewan McGregor

    But my second list is called my ‘Shouldn’t But Would’ list. As in, I shouldn’t fancy them, but if they asked me to swing pants with them I totally would. It’s like a list made up of people that you find completely sexy that makes other people go, “Ew! Really? HIM?! ARE YOU MAD?!”

    I have typed out my Shouldn’t But Would List here, and I’ve erased it. I’M TOO SHY!! Has anyone else got a Shouldn’t But Would?

  • tokenblogger

    I think I must be weird. I don’t think about having sex with celebrities I crush on.

    Here are my top five crushes:

    1. Anthony Hopkins
    2. Harrison Ford (I’m tellin’ ya he and my hubby could be brothers!)
    3. Jeff Bridges
    4. Oliver Platt
    5. Jake Gyllenhaal

    Oliver Reed died?

    I totally dated myself.

  • smithie1996

    1. Colin Firth
    2. Clive Owen
    3. Jon Hamm – from first season of Mad Men when he was a total asshole but a smoking hot one and he didn’t care that he was an alcoholic.
    4. Alan Rickman – he can read the telephone book to me
    5. Julian Sands – but only if he can be transported back to 1985 in Room With A View

  • JM

    1. Daniel Henney
    2. Daniel Henney
    3. Daniel Dae Kim
    4. Chow Yun Fat
    5. Andy Lau

    (Coincidentally, Henney and Paltrow were featured in the video advertisements for Bean Pole.)

  • glittermom

    1. Steven Tyler
    2.Robert Downey Jr.
    3.Patrick Bergin
    4.Chris Sarandon
    5.Lance Henrikson (ok, I love his voice..)

    Numbers 2-5 are changeable.

  • ChickWhitt

    Wow, this is doing bad things to my four months pregger hormones while I sit here at work with another hour before I can bang my husband!

    1. Ranger from the Stephanie Plum books
    2. Edward Cullen(not Rob) I want to be the reason for ripped pillows!
    3. Paul Rudd, amazing
    4. Kate Middleton
    5. Taylor Lautner as himself or Jacob Black, or both!

  • katdenk

    Big fan of the list, I’ve had one for years:

    1. Dave Grohl
    2. David Bowie
    3. Brad Pitt
    4. Robert Downey Jr.
    5. Andy Samberg

  • twinsmomma4

    1. Mark Wahlberg
    2. Rufus Sewell
    3. Jason Mamoa
    4. Joe Manganiello
    5. Johnny Depp

  • Nothing But Bonfires

    1. Evan Dando
    2. Jared Leto, but he’d have to let me call him Jordan Catalano
    3. Taylor Kitsch, but he’d have to let me call him Riggins
    4. Mark Ruffalo
    5. Peter Saaaarsgaaaaaard

  • alcmena924

    1. Taye Diggs
    2. Justin Timberlake
    3. Matt Damon
    4. Johnny Depp (Really, Captian Jack Sparrow)
    5. This guy on the Canadian Olympic diving team whose name I don’t remember but who is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.

  • jan001

    1. Tom Selleck – he has had this spot since the days of Magnum PI, and damned if he doesn’t just get sexier and sexier, IMO.

    2. Jon Hamm – because have you seen the man??

    3. Don’t laugh but… Colin Mochrie. OK, go ahead and laugh. After all, he’s a comedian! There’s just something I find very attractive about a man who’s confident with good reason (but not arrogant), who can make me laugh which he does every night on “Whose Line”, sharp as hell, and who doesn’t take himself too seriously.

    4. Bill Clinton during his presidency. He’s gotten too gaunt for my taste now. Confident, articulate, smart, funny, just plain ol’ charming. Charismatic as hell, at least to me. And how shallow am I that I enumerate all these personal qualities and then discard him because of his current physical appearance. I’m sure he’ll be devastated when he hears.

    5. [This spot is temporarily vacant while I give it some more thought.]

  • OtakuGirl

    I was just making this list the other day in my head:

    1. Jake Gyllenhaal
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Ryan Gosling
    4. John Barrowman (sadly not possible)
    5. Lady Gaga

  • civic483

    1. Colin Firth
    2. Paul Newman
    3. Matthew Macfadyen
    4. Bobby Flay
    5. Robert Pattinson

  • Bunneh

    I believe if you are bisexual you get 2 lists – I’m greedy.

    List 1:

    1. Tyron Leitso
    2. Lee Pace
    3. Nathan Fillion
    4. Ryan Gosling (popular fellow)
    5. Christian Bale

    (backups: Ewan McGregor, James McElroy, Ryan Reynolds, Robert Downey Jr… hmm… I think since I’m not married, I shouldn’t have to limit myself. I WILL TAKE ALL THE BEAUTIFUL MEN)

    List 2:

    1. Julia Stiles
    2. Kristen Bell
    3. Anna Friel
    4. Kate Miccuci
    5. [empty]

  • sarahdoow

    I’m not sure about the other four spots, but I do know that James McAvoy needs to be on my list. But only as Mr Tumnus. That’s not weird, is it?

  • BoltedMKE

    I would much prefer to read peoples’ hate-fuck lists.

  • Sadie923

    1. George Clooney
    2. Ryan Gosling (Photoshopped, indeed)
    3. Clive Owen
    4. Matthew Macfadyen (Pride & Prejudice)
    5. Christopher Gorham (Covert Affairs)

  • EliBailey

    1. Johnny Depp
    2. Ewan McGregor
    3. Ryan Reynolds
    4. Orlando Bloom
    5. Paul Rudd

    I doubt if anyone will ever move Johnny Depp out of first place for me. Ewan McGregor went up to second recently when I saw him on Graham Norton (hilarious!), and in Beginners. Will Smith, Ryan Gosling, and George Clooney are backups, and I’m sure I’m forgetting some . ..

  • Amy Jo

    #1 Gale Harold
    #2 James Iha
    #3 Gael Garcia Bernal
    #4 Jimmy Fallon
    #5 Val Kilmer circa Top Gun
    Bonus: Starbuck

  • Regency Romantic

    1. Liam Neeson
    2. Alan Rickman (don’t judge me, bish, – that VOICE!)
    3. Johnny Depp (especially in full Capt. Jack eye makeup…)
    4. Javier Bardem
    5. Robert Pattinson *runs away and hides, dodging tomatoes and fully justified catcalls* (Yes, I am old enough for this to be gross, but he’s so good at “intense and in pain” – I can’t help it!)

  • MarchelineB.

    1. Angelina Jolie

    2. Javier Bardem

    3. Peter Steele of Type O Negative

    4. Manu Bennett

    5. Jason Momoa

  • lisdom

    These lists encourage me that we all pretty much have different taste in men and women, with the exception of Johnny Depp.

  • tami.alv

    Mine:

    1. Bradley Cooper
    2. Jake Gyllenhaal
    3. Curtis Stone
    4. Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie (hey, how convenient is this one?)
    5. James McAvoy

  • twinsmomma4

    Mmmmmmmmmmmm…..Javier Bardem in Eat Pray Love..yum

  • malisams

    God, I love a good Bone List.

    1. Alexander Skarsgard
    2. Robert Downey Jr.
    3. Chris Martin
    4. Javier Bardem
    5. James Mcavoy

    I actually have a Pinterest board entirely dedicated to delicious mans. It is very. very. long.

    (Also, I’d never seen the video of Ryan Gosling…I love him, too. And helloooo Damon Albarn, where has HE been all my life?)

  • holyschist

    1. Timothy Olyphant
    2. Ewan McGregor
    3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
    4. Michael Fassbender
    5. Hugh Jackman

  • DonnaMillerJung

    1. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
    2. Hugh Jackman
    3. Christian Slater (I was once attending a play in London that he was in, 4 rows from the front, and in one scene he was duct-taped to a weight machine. It took all my self-control to refrain from leaping on-stage and licking his whole body.)
    4. Clive Owen
    5. Chad Kroeger

  • Sarah Cate

    My best guy friend and I have agreed that no matter who you are, Angelina Jolie and Hugh Jackman are just givens, therefore the List of 5 does not need to include them.

    1. Karl Urban
    2. Sean Bean
    3. Lena Headey
    4. Tom Welling (who I recently found out is the same age as me! bye-bye guilt for perving on high school Clark Kent)
    5. Ian Somerhalder

  • yoheathero

    When I click on the video it says, “This video is private.” Did you have sex with him right after he broke up the fight? On tape? If so, this is your Kim Kardashian moment. Make it public girlfriend! ;)

  • Anna Potatoes

    I ran into Ryan Gosling in my grocery store once.. we made eye contact.. I kept him on my list because my response to meeting him was to HIDE so I appear COOL and not stalkerish… my husband has nothing to worry about sadly :(

  • prestonk9

    1. Gary Busey
    2. Nick Nolte
    Oh, wait – wrong list.

    Here we are…

    1. Jared Leto (aka Jordan Catalano)
    2. Jake Gyllenhaal
    3. Brody Miller
    4. Djimon Hounsou (from that b/w Janet Jackson video, you know the one)
    5. Keanu Reeves (aka Special Agent Johnny Utah)

  • alevai

    1. Aaron Stanford
    2. Julian Casablancas
    3. Amanda Palmer
    4. Carl Barat
    5. Freida Pinto

  • poopinginpeace

    1-Zachary Levi (from the show Chuck)
    2-Jon Bon Jovi (yes this dates me, but he has been and will ALWAYS be on my list)
    3-Bradley Cooper
    4-Timothy Olyphant
    5-Matthew Fox/Josh Holloway (it changes on my mood, but preferably both of them together! I was a big Lost fan.)

    I do tend to change my list from time to time, depending on who’s hot in the moment and which TV shows I’m watching. There’s a good chance someone might get replaced by Chris Evans fairly soon…

  • ellentyler

    For a moment I was confusing Ed O’Brien with Ed O’Neill, and I was slightly concerned for you.
    1. Ryan Gosling (of course)
    2. Michael C. Hall
    3. Ewan McGregor
    4. Jason Bateman
    5. Jake Gyllenhaal

  • Snarkmeister

    There is an ungodly lack of Clooney on these lists.

    1. Clooney
    2. Alan Rickman. Yes, it’s the voice. And also him playing Colonel Brandon in Sense & Sensibility. Yum.

    I don’t really care about the rest of the list. I don’t need five. Really, just Clooney or Rickman will do me just fine.

  • arishell

    I cannot believe that Sting has not made the list! You know that the sex would be fantastic and take all day. I would follow him into a desert.

    1. Sting
    2. Alan Rickman (but he has to arrive riding that black horse like in Sense and Sensibility.
    3. Ewan McGregor
    4. Nicholas Cage (before he got all strange)
    5. Colin Firth

    The alternates should not even be considered since I am WAY too old for them. Zack Efron and Devon Bostick (Diary of a wimpy kid 2)

  • Norabloom

    1. Leonardo DiCaprio
    2. Michael Pitt (esp. his character in Boardwalk Empire)
    3. Tom Hardy
    4. Javier Bardem
    5. Peter Sarsgaard

    Wondering: why do straight women almost invariably choose Angelina Jolie as the one woman they’d fuck? For once, I’d really like to hear a straight woman say, “I’d really like to fuck … e.g. Kate Winslet /Rosario Dawson / Salma Hayek / Halle Berry / Parker Posey / Neko Case / etc. Maybe it’s just me, but I think “Angelina Jolie” has become the popular, safe choice.

  • OhBlahDah

    Okay, I’m not married, so I will just call this a fantasy list:

    1. Bradley Cooper. Finest hunk of man flesh this side of the Missippi.
    2. Mark Harmon. Always and forever the starting UCLA QB in my mind.
    3. That #2 Guy on NCIS because he sparkles. Okay, Googled him for you . . . Michael Weatherly.
    4. Simon Denny Baker. Omigosh, he is blond perfection with a permanent giggle behind his eyes.
    5. Robert Redford. Yes. He is still that fine, and he sends me e-mail via NRDC.org.

    Damn. They are all actors and I have a ton of musicians that deserve fantasy. Yes, I’m greedy!

    1. Eric Clapton. Any time, any day, anywhere.
    2. John Mayer. I’ve forgiven him for running off his mouth because of the way he handles a fretboard.
    3. Keith Urban. And I don’t even like country music. Must be the Aussie accent.
    4. Dave Grohl. The man is a genius. Nuff said.
    5. Craig Ferguson. Did you hear him sing his theme song in Paris with piano and bass? And yes, he was a punk drummer back in the day. Okay, if I can’t have him, I’ll take Dave Matthews as musician #5.

  • lssierra

    You bitch, that is my boyfriend! But, since we will never speak on the phone, I’ll give you a pass to talk about him on your little blog.

  • Sarah Cate

    @Norabloom Excellent point; I think you’re right about Jolie being the safe choice.

    To wit: my list of 5 women (even though Lena Headey is already on my main list)

    1. Lena Headey
    2. Rosamund Pike
    3. Christina Hendricks
    4. Mary Louise Parker
    5. Claudia Black

  • Chloe

    So I guess I get Gilles Marini all to myself. Thank you!

    1. Clive Owen
    2. Gilles Marini
    3. Stellan Skarsgard (bucking a trend there but love)
    4. Colin Firth
    5. George Harrison

    Others: (been watching too many SATC reruns) Mikhail Baryshnikov and that Jason fellow, the blonde.

  • whurlgurl

    1. Ryan Reynolds
    2. Matt Damon
    3. Colin Firth
    4. Lee Stetson (Scarecrow)
    5. Father Ralph De Bricassart

  • Midamerican Tinkerbell

    1. Dr. Drew – Big words and dress shirts. Yes.
    2. George Clooney – Eyes that crinkle when he smiles
    3. Daniel Craig – Also with the eye thing
    4. Craig Ferguson – Humor and kindness and shoulders
    5. JFK Jr. – We still miss you.

  • AlisonG

    1. Russell brand
    2. Stevie Nicks
    2. Eddie Vedder
    4. Kiefer Sutherland
    5. Susan Sarandon

    After typing their names, oh dear, now I’m breathing heavily.

  • Amanda Brumfield

    1. Robert Pattison (I bet he really sparkles, swoon)
    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1500155/

    2. Christian Langdon (Gorgeous Northern Brit/musician/DJ)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpjgnON65LE

    3. Christopher Meloni (Especially when he kisses
    dudes. Warning: link leads to hot dudes kissing)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGfm8DkrC18

    4. Sam Rockwell (I don’t know. Have you seen Moon?)
    http://www.imdb.com/media/rm688752128/nm0005377

    5. Jonathan Rhys Meyers (Dur)
    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001667/

  • cndbain

    1) Ani DiFranco
    2) Johnny Depp
    3) Angelina Jolie
    4) Timothy Olyphant
    5) Antony Stewart Head (I’ve been watching a lot of Buffy reruns lately, and the older I get the hotter Giles gets).

  • Exena

    1. Ed O’Brien
    2. Larry Mullen Jr
    3. Leonardo DiCaprio
    4. Robert Downey Jr
    5. Paul Simonon

    I like my musicians…and my Jrs, haha.

  • Maggles

    1. George Clooney
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Chino Moreno (lead singer for the Deftones)
    4. Serj Tankian (lead singer for System of a Down)
    5. Will Ferrell (dude is hilarious)

    I wouldn’t have to lift a finger with that list. Will Ferrell? We would just spend all night one-upping each other with hilarities. It would be awesome!!!

  • msjen

    Ladies,

    I have one name for you all:

    Hrithik Roshan

    If you are unaware of the green eyed Bollywood actor, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go rent Jodhaa Akbar.

    Farther down the list is:

    Liam Neeson
    Ken Watanabe
    Craig Ferguson
    Sir Richard Branson (circa 1987)
    Nikki Sixx (circa 1981′s Too Fast for Love)

  • angiedb

    Wow. I haven’t visited my list in a long while. Glad you brought this up.

    1. Dave Matthews–my GOD if he just sang and played to only me or raised that eyebrow in my general direction I would melt into goo.

    2. Gary Sinise–There’s just always been something about him. I will love him forever. Amen.

    3. Michael C. Hall–I am considering buying a Dodge just because they use his voice in the commercials. *swoon* Also? If he comes to my door, he MUST wear the Dexter hunting/killing outfit. My lord, that shirt on him!

    4. Kyle Chandler–such a shame that Friday Night Lights has ended and I can’t watch him every week. I’ll always have DVD.

    5. Mark Ruffalo–The messy hair that I want to bury my fingers in and those chocolate brown eyes. *sigh*

    Honorable mention–Adam Levine. Pure sex. Simon Baker. John Taylor and Roger Taylor from Duran Duran. Jeff Saturday from the Indianapolis Colts.

    I also have crushes on Kevin James and Steve Carrell (especially in Dan in Real Life and Crazy, Stupid Love.)