the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Every comment should include the word “poop”

So it’s time to talk about some of the good things going on around here in regards to feedback I get from this site because my chi or my energy or whatever is all so negative lately that my four day pooping streak SUDDENLY ENDED. And just let me start by saying that I don’t remember the last time I pooped four days in a row. Maybe never? Jon may be mad at me for publishing this, but he is a day-to-day pooper. I married a man who considers it a problem when he goes more than 24 hours without a shit. Obviously our marriage works only because my poop and his poop cancel each other out.

I call him when I poop, he calls me when he doesn’t poop.

The other day I went to my New Faux P.O. Box and found a little pink slippy thing that told me I had an oversized package I needed to pick up. I nearly pooped my pants, and this was before the four day streak had even started! A package! For me! This was in addition to some awesome things I have already received, including lots of cool postcards and letters from around the world, places like New Zealand, Mississippi, New Mexico, New York, Texas, Maryland, Washington D.C., and Australia. I got a “More Cowbell” lapel button from Ali in Virginia, and a lovely woman named Tess even sent me the Justin Timberlake CD (I actually did pee my pants when I opened that package). Alas, no where in the liner notes is he naked. That’s when the pee traveled back up my pants leg and into my bladder.

I opened the oversized package before I even got back to the car — I set Leta on the curb and hoped she wouldn’t fall over into the street, because I was drunk and had knives in my hand, and I was listening to Satan on my MP3 player, don’t say I can’t multitask! — and inside was the “Jeopardy!” Quiz Book 2, and my new bedside companion, Put Hemorrhoids & Constipation Behind You, from a another lovely woman named DeAnn. This is the best book ever written because there are illustrations inside that show how to insert suppositories correctly and which is the best position to sit on the toilet for prime poopage.

At least once a week I get an email from someone who tells me that the reason I am so constipated is because of my horrible diet, that my horrible diet is going to kill me and my daughter. Did you know that all I eat are pop tarts and Doritos? IT SAYS SO RIGHT THERE ON THE INTERNET. Here is lesson number one in today’s entry: 1) Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet. In addition to pop tarts and Doritos, I eat small kittens for lunch. You wouldn’t know that unless you knew me, unless I had come out and said so right here on my website. I EAT SMALL KITTENS.

The truth is (can you handle the truth?) I have a pretty healthy diet. I indulge in Doritos about once a month for lunch on a Saturday afternoon with my husband outside on the porch. Jon and I share pop tarts in the morning, and I rarely finish mine. The pop tart complements our glass of orange juice and a small portion of a whole wheat bagel. I eat a high fiber, whole grain lunch, and for dinner we usually have lean meats and a green vegetable. Yes, occasionally we’ll eat pizza, and yes, I will give half of my piece to the dog, but when someone says, “My favorite food is ice cream,” THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY EAT ICE CREAM FOR EVERY MEAL.

My constipation goes deeper than my diet. I don’t know how deep it goes, perhaps all the way to my toes, but I have to follow a pretty strict regimen to stay regular, a regimen including weekly exercise and a specific amount of water intake a day. I also get a lot of email asking me for advice on constipation wondering what I did during pregnancy to curb it and what I do know to make sure the poop flows. So in addition to thanking DeAnn for the book and everyone else for the wonderful things they have sent me in the mail, I wanted to take this post and help out those people whose bottom systems are giving them problems.

Lesson number two in today’s entry comes from the constipation book: 2) Did you know that you’re supposed to be able to poop in less than two minutes? IT SAYS SO IN THE BOOK, MEN. The optimum time from urge of evacuation to actual elimination should take no longer than SIX MINUTES! Which means you shouldn’t have to take in any reading material. I have never in my life known a male who can poop in under 30 minutes, who doesn’t have to take in an entire year’s worth of MacWorld to see him from start to finish.

I’m leaving comments open on this post and I’m asking for your advice! GOD! I’m so confusing! First I say, no advice, and now I’m asking for it. Think of it as a discussion. How do you stay regular?

(p.s. I went to my mailbox today and got another over-sized package, a beautiful picture book of pictures taken from this site and professionally bound, and I don’t know who sent it to me. Did you send it to me?)

(p.p.s. I should point out that the four day streak of consistent pooping has everything to do with the soybeans we’ve been eating every night for the past week. I love edamame!)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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