the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Please be patient with me

Another busy week here at the Blurbodoocery involving doctors appointments, travel, vet visits, and a multitude of concerts. Tonight we’re attending the sold out Wilco concert where the Fleet Foxes will be opening, and it’s at my favorite outdoor venue in the city. If you’re not familiar with either band, here’s an introduction to the Fleet Foxes:

And here’s Jeff Tweedy from Wilco playing an acoustic version of the soundtrack to my marriage to Jon:

This weekend we’re headed to San Francisco to the Outside Lands Festival, a three-day music event at Golden Gate Park (look at that lineup and be very jealous of me). While I’m there I’ll be posting photos and whatnot here and at the community site Crowdfire where they are giving away free tickets to the festival every day. Friday night I will get to see Radiohead for the tenth time, and maybe I will finally get up the nerve up to throw my panties at guitarist Ed O’Brien who happens to be number two on my Five Fame Fuckers list.

Interestingly, recent international events have brought to my attention a certain special someone who has so stolen my heart that he has knocked off two of the previous men on my list and now occupies both of those positions. So my list now looks like this:

1. Chris Martin
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Brad Pitt
4. Michael Phelps
5. Michael Phelps

I brought up this development the other night with a group of friends, and the men in the group were all, BUT HIS EARS! AND THAT UNDERBITE! Which of course was exactly how I expected them to respond, all of their lists are comprised entirely of supermodels. I think his ears are adorable, and that mouth of his is interesting, but the list really has very little to do with appearance and everything to do with the overall package. Are they driven? Do they care about people? What is their take on certain issues? Are they bigger than I am? Do they know their multiplication tables? Also, good hair helps. And yes, I will be honest and say that the way Michael Phelps fits into a wetsuit is very pleasing to look upon with my eyes.

Don’t worry, Jon has his own list, and if we were at a concert where Renee Russo was playing the guitar, I would take off Jon’s briefs and throw them at her head for him. That was written into our vows.

Your list?

  • Kylee

    2008/08/18 at 11:21 am

    1. John Krasinski
    2. John Krasinski

  • Courtenay

    2008/08/18 at 11:22 am

    whew, just as i found you and started reading i thought you disappeared! i agree, yay for michael phelps…and he used to be a nerd so it allll comes around! looking foward to the latest on chuck..

  • Klem

    2008/08/18 at 11:22 am

    – Eve Libertine
    – James Marsters
    – Garrett Wang
    – Billy Idol
    – Johnny Rotten

  • Melissa

    2008/08/18 at 11:23 am

    1. Hugh Jackman
    2. Eddie Vedder
    3. Hugh Jackman
    4. Ryan Reynolds
    5. Hugh Jackman

  • kjkc

    2008/08/18 at 11:23 am

    Though Phelps is a hottie… unfortunately the other day he went on and on and on about the greatness of George W… what a wonderful president he is… INSTANT turnoff and removal from list.

  • Tamara Komuniecki

    2008/08/18 at 11:23 am

    Mine is an interesting combo…I like to cover all the bases.

    1. Michael Phelps
    2. Benjamin Netanyahu
    3. George Clooney
    4. Brad Pitt
    5. Angelina Jolie

  • Emily

    2008/08/18 at 11:24 am

    1. Christian Bale
    2. Jonny Lang
    3. Paul Newman (when he was in Cool Hand Luke)
    4. Gary Dourdain
    5. Milo Ventiglmia (or whatever)

    P.S. Just looked down and saw that Gilmore was one of the words for verification. Milo was on Gilmore Girls. How cool!

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/18 at 11:24 am

    No list, but wanted to mention that the west coast debut of Johnny Greenwood’s symphony Popcorn Superhet Receiver will be performed in San Francisco on Thursday at the Herbst Theatre.

  • MoxieCrimefighter

    2008/08/18 at 11:24 am

    1. Brad Pitt
    2. Brad Pitt
    3. Brad Pitt
    4. Eric Roberts (yes…that Eric Roberts!)
    5. Brad Pitt

  • Molly

    2008/08/18 at 11:25 am

    John Krasinski
    Michael Phelps
    Ryan Reynolds
    John Krasinski
    John Krasinski

  • Jennifer

    2008/08/18 at 11:25 am

    1. Ryan Gosling
    2. Sam from Top Chef
    3. Brad Pitt (circa Fight Club)
    4. Matthew Fox
    5. Orlando Bloom

  • gingela5

    2008/08/18 at 11:25 am

    My list is so messed up it’s not even funny…I don’t think I have five but my top 3 are:
    1. Bob Stoops (OU’s head coach)
    2. “Gil Grissom” (he’s about 3 times my age)
    3. Bear Grylls (no explanation needed)

  • Marisa

    2008/08/18 at 11:25 am

    wow i’m 2nd! 🙂

    okay my top 5.

    1. Jorge Posada *catcher for the new york yankees*
    2. Sylvester Stallone when he was in Rocky….
    3. Alex Rodriquez
    4. Tony Romo
    5. Jon Bon Jovi

  • Ciara

    2008/08/18 at 11:27 am

    You are a good woman to throw your husband’s unmentionables for him.

    Brad Pitt
    Prince (he is a sexy little man)
    Jude Law
    Justin Timberlake after he grows some hair on his chest

  • Anonymous

    2008/08/18 at 11:27 am

    I think Chris Martin would be more interested in Jon than you.

  • Annie

    2008/08/18 at 11:27 am

    1. Michael Johns from American Idol
    2. Robert Downey Jr.
    3. John Malkovich
    4. James Taylor (the way he looked on his Sweet Baby James album cover)
    5. Jude Law (used to be higher on the list until all of his infidelities)

  • Amy

    2008/08/18 at 11:27 am

    Wow, I’m sooo jealous about Wilco & Fleet Foxes. And Radiohead.

    1.Johnny Depp (I know, how generic but I can’t help it)
    2.Jeff Tweedy
    3.Lenny Kravitz (circa 1994)
    4.Brad Pitt
    5.Ed Vedder (only if he doesn’t talk)

  • Andreya

    2008/08/18 at 11:27 am

    i also include angelina jolie on my list. cmon, she is hot.

    then, there are:

    1. adam brody
    2. brad pitt
    3. christian bale
    4. and raine maida.

    mmm yes.

  • Susie

    2008/08/18 at 11:27 am

    1. Edward Norton
    2. Clive Owen
    3. James McAvoy
    4. Johnny Depp (he’s been on here since I was 13 and saw him in Benny & Joon)
    5. Adrien Brody

  • Amber

    2008/08/18 at 11:28 am

    1. Nick Carter
    2. Chris Martin
    3. Jay Cutler
    4. Jeremy Shockey
    5. Bradley Whitford

    But Phelps is cute. I did a little jump when I found out he won all 8 golds.

  • that girl

    2008/08/18 at 11:28 am

    Mr. Mustang

    Venicio Del Toro

    Lead singer for Stain’d

    Mc Dreamy

    Ryan Gosselin (sp)

  • Cara

    2008/08/18 at 11:29 am

    I like to mix it up a bit:

    1) Angelina Jolie
    2) Johnny Depp
    3) Salma Hayek
    4) Kate Winslet
    5) Eddie Vedder/Brian Urlacher (#54 on Chicago Bears)


    2008/08/18 at 11:29 am

    1: Matt Damon
    2: Will Smith
    3: Brad Pitt
    4: Hugh Jackman
    5: Denzel Washington

    Oh wait… the opposite sex?

  • Amelia Sprout

    2008/08/18 at 11:29 am

    1. Michael Phelps
    2. Aaron Piersol (nummy, surfer)
    3. Michael Phelps (ears, all the better to steer with)
    4. Henry Rollins
    5. Joseph Fiennes

    And damn him for dying, but Heath Ledger should be on that list. Fucking shame.

  • christina

    2008/08/18 at 11:30 am

    1. Michael Phelps
    2. Michael Phelps
    3. Michael Phelps
    4. Adrian Brody
    5. Michael Phelps

    He has captured my heart as well.

  • Bex

    2008/08/18 at 11:30 am

    Hmmm. I am not sure of my top 5 but just watching Michael Phelps do the butterfly is reason enough for him to be on anybodies list. Can you imagine being under that!

  • jennifer

    2008/08/18 at 11:31 am

    1/ larry mullen jr
    2/ benjamin bratt
    3/ tom colicchio
    4/ daniel day lewis
    5/ jeff probst

  • Lesley

    2008/08/18 at 11:31 am

    1. Jon Stewart
    2. Matt Damon
    3. Edward Norton
    4. Mathieu Kassovitz
    5. Anderson Cooper (Don’t tell me he might be gay; I will not believe you. I plan to bear his articulate, silver-haired children.)

  • Jodi

    2008/08/18 at 11:31 am

    1. Carey Grant (from when he was in That Touch of Mink)
    2. Gary Sinese
    3. Will Farrell
    4. Timothy Hutton
    5. Vince Vaughn

    eclectic, I know! I am starting to show my age…I would like to throw in a Jesse McCartney or one of the Jonas brothers, but frankly I could be their mother!

  • soulmoxie

    2008/08/18 at 11:32 am

    Not the Phelps! Have you not seen Ryan Lochte? Sweet Jesus, I have to believe that you would reconsider…

    My list:

    Anderson Cooper
    Christian Bale
    Jon Stewart
    Ryan Lochte
    James Blunt

  • BrooklynSeaHag

    2008/08/18 at 11:33 am

    1. Christian Bale (oooh, assault me)
    2. Ryan Gosling
    3. Neil Young (but he has to brush his teeth first)
    4. Snoop Dogg
    5. Clive Owen

  • Keely

    2008/08/18 at 11:33 am

    1. John Cusack
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. David Boreanaz
    4. Glenn Quinn (well, y’know…before he died)
    5. Charlize Theron

  • Kathy

    2008/08/18 at 11:33 am

    My list:

    1) George Clooney
    2) Robin Ventura (former baseball player – HOT butt)
    3) Sting (even with the ego. Tantric yoga, anyone?)
    4) Colin Firth (Pride & Prejudice era)
    5) George Clooney

    I am SO bummed Olympic swimming is over. How great was that – watching those guys with those bodies? Ahhhhh.

  • Kyle

    2008/08/18 at 11:33 am

    1) Elijah Wood (it’s the eyes!)
    2) Brad Pitt
    3) Andrew Gross, the writer (I refer to him as my boyfriend)
    4) Robert Downey Jr.
    5) Daniel Craig

  • Courtenay

    2008/08/18 at 11:33 am

    oh, i forgot:

    1. blair underwood
    2. george clooney before he was manorexic
    3. mark ruffalo
    4. sawyer, from lost
    5. blair underwood, again

  • jill

    2008/08/18 at 11:33 am

    love this. husband and i have a “no other naked people allowed” hot tub rule that we will ONLY break for brad and angelina. and maybe halle and gabriel.

  • Cassie

    2008/08/18 at 11:33 am

    1. Christopher Meloni
    2. David Boreanaz
    3. Matt Lauer
    4. Sam Waterson
    5. Anthony Bourdain

  • Jenny

    2008/08/18 at 11:33 am

    Adrien Brody
    John Krasinski
    Michael Phelps
    Ryan Lochte (Michael’s swimming friend who got little airtime? HOT!)
    umm….Michael Phelps (he’s a dreamboat.

  • Rosemary

    2008/08/18 at 11:34 am

    In no particular order:

    Bruce Willis (I had a not dream about him and now he’s definite)
    Ryan Reynolds
    Slade Smiley from The Real Housewives of Orange County & Date My Ex

    Don’t even need 5, these three will do 🙂
    And I must add that all this “Are they driven? Do they care about people? What is their take on certain issues? Are they bigger than I am? Do they know their multiplication tables?” Doesn’t matter in sex! Ok, well the driving and care about people is important. But I don’t plan on talking politics or holding a math quiz anytime in my bedroom 🙂

    Also, Have you heard of etsy?

  • sara

    2008/08/18 at 11:34 am

    Just wrote a post today about Michael Phelps and the fact that, according to his segment on NBC about a day in his life, we are soulmates. Perfect for each other. And he looks good in a wetsuit.

    So back off. He’s totally mine. We’re destiny, baby.


  • Jeff

    2008/08/18 at 11:35 am

    Wow, so I’m the first guy to post his five? I fully expect scathing ridicule…

    1) Salma Hayek
    2) Angeline Jolie
    3) Evangeline Lilly
    4) Jennifer Carpenter
    5) Melina Perez

  • Pictou

    2008/08/18 at 11:35 am

    Renee Russo? Like her appearance in the Thomas Crown Affair? Hell, I’d throw MY panties at her and I’m a middle aged woman. As for Michael Phelps, I think he’s adorable and needs to take a public speaking class but he’s much younger than my daughter so not really turned on by him. But I’m really hyped at all that he’s accomplished, I just want to pat him on the head.

  • Anne

    2008/08/18 at 11:35 am

    1. Tim Riggins (from Friday Night Lights)
    2. Chris Martin (saw amazing show in Chicago)
    3. Johnny Depp
    4. Daniel Day Lewis
    5. Clive Owen

  • J.

    2008/08/18 at 11:35 am

    I guess my tastes are pretty mundane, comparatively.
    1. Chiwetel Ejiofor
    2. Viggo Mortensen
    3. Jet Li
    4. Jesse L. Martin
    5. John Barrowman
    Yeah, talented actors TURN ME ON.

  • Steph

    2008/08/18 at 11:48 am

    1. Ewan McGregor
    2. Ewan McGregor
    3. Ewan Mcgregor
    4. Ewan McGregor
    5. Ewan McGregor

    Do I really think he’s all that? Not really, he’s cute in that way that British men can be when they’ve actually received orthodontic care. Still, I like the way my husband gets squirmy when he sees that I like Ewan McGregor enough to list him five times.

  • Liz C

    2008/08/18 at 11:36 am

    Only have a top 3+ right now

    1. Anthony Bourdain
    2. Alton Brown
    3. Matt Damon

    Oh yeah — Some of the American sprinters I watched this weekend were f-i-n-e!

    I’d say Michael Phelps but he’s younger than my daughter. That would be too pervy even for me.

  • Jeff

    2008/08/18 at 11:36 am

    Whoops…apparently not. Sorry Kyle…

  • Brad

    2008/08/18 at 11:36 am

    I like my girls smart… so I’ll just say that there’s only one supermodel on my list, and I don’t care if she can’t spell her own last name.

  • Ann

    2008/08/18 at 11:36 am

    1. Ed Harris
    2. Johnny Depp
    6. Michael Symon
    4. Denzel Washington
    5. Vince Vaughn

  • porkmuffin

    2008/08/18 at 11:36 am

    the list changes. today it’s:

    1. Javier Bardem
    2. Clive Owen
    3. Jason Statham
    4. Lee Pace
    5. Naveen Andrews

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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