An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Please be patient with me

Another busy week here at the Blurbodoocery involving doctors appointments, travel, vet visits, and a multitude of concerts. Tonight we’re attending the sold out Wilco concert where the Fleet Foxes will be opening, and it’s at my favorite outdoor venue in the city. If you’re not familiar with either band, here’s an introduction to the Fleet Foxes:

And here’s Jeff Tweedy from Wilco playing an acoustic version of the soundtrack to my marriage to Jon:

This weekend we’re headed to San Francisco to the Outside Lands Festival, a three-day music event at Golden Gate Park (look at that lineup and be very jealous of me). While I’m there I’ll be posting photos and whatnot here and at the community site Crowdfire where they are giving away free tickets to the festival every day. Friday night I will get to see Radiohead for the tenth time, and maybe I will finally get up the nerve up to throw my panties at guitarist Ed O’Brien who happens to be number two on my Five Fame Fuckers list.

Interestingly, recent international events have brought to my attention a certain special someone who has so stolen my heart that he has knocked off two of the previous men on my list and now occupies both of those positions. So my list now looks like this:

1. Chris Martin
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Brad Pitt
4. Michael Phelps
5. Michael Phelps

I brought up this development the other night with a group of friends, and the men in the group were all, BUT HIS EARS! AND THAT UNDERBITE! Which of course was exactly how I expected them to respond, all of their lists are comprised entirely of supermodels. I think his ears are adorable, and that mouth of his is interesting, but the list really has very little to do with appearance and everything to do with the overall package. Are they driven? Do they care about people? What is their take on certain issues? Are they bigger than I am? Do they know their multiplication tables? Also, good hair helps. And yes, I will be honest and say that the way Michael Phelps fits into a wetsuit is very pleasing to look upon with my eyes.

Don’t worry, Jon has his own list, and if we were at a concert where Renee Russo was playing the guitar, I would take off Jon’s briefs and throw them at her head for him. That was written into our vows.

Your list?

  • This is so funny. I was just having a conversation with my male coworker about how hot he is. We were flipping through images, with me saying “Look at this one…hot” and he would reply “He looks like a baby who was dropped by his mother,” or “He looks intellectually disabled.” But I couldn’t see it. Then we realized that I had no idea what his face looked like – all I saw was that stomach. And oh lord is it hot.

  • KC

    1. Benicio Del Toro
    2. John Leguizamo
    3. Brad Pitt
    4. Benicio Del Toro
    5. Benicio Del Toro

  • petri dish

    you’ve got to check out M. Ward while you are at the festival!

    Matt Damon
    Jason Bateman
    Christian Bale
    L.L. Cool J
    Dave Navarro

  • Steph

    1. Johnny Depp
    2. Eammon Sullivan (Aussie swimmer)
    3. Johnny Depp
    4. Val Kilmer
    5. Tom Brady

  • Sarah

    1. Billy Joel
    2. Julian Schnabel
    3. Clive Owen
    4. Gerard Butler
    5. Tom Colicchio

  • Mari

    1. Leonardo DiCaprio
    2. Jeff Tweedy
    3. Javier Bardem
    4. that guy from Unfaithful (Oliver Martinez?)
    5. Gael Garcia Bernal

  • 1. Edward Norton
    2. Batman (Christian is OK too)
    3. Jack Black
    4. That guy at my gym
    5. My electrician

  • joansy

    1. Jack Black (not a physical thing, I think he’d be fun)
    2. Brad Pitt
    3. Angelina Jolie
    4. Ed Norton
    5. Naveen Andrews

  • Lauren

    1. Mick Jagger!!! (I’ve had a crush on him since I was 14)
    2. Robert Downey Jr.
    3. Rupert Grint (Ron from Harry Potter)
    4. Gerard Butler (From P.S. I love you)
    5. Steven Tyler

    Oh and just to mention, the whole Rupert Grint situation. No I am not a pedifile, it’s okay I’m only 19!!! 🙂


  • Heidi

    1. Daryl Hall
    2. Michael C. Hall
    3. Robert Downy Jr.
    4. John Linnell from TMBG
    5. tie between Bill Maher and Anderson Cooper.

    I had the pleasure of meeting and partying (in the loosest use of the term) Mr. #2, but unfortunately it was before he went on the list.

  • Anonymous

    MP has been on my list since 2004…he’s now taking up most of the slots on my list too!

  • Adam

    Tina Fey and Amy Poeler, but only if they come in a package deal. And only if they talk about how hot I am using that sarcastic lisp they both did so many times on Weekend Update.

  • I believe Mr. Phelps had me at what those announcers call his “undulating dolphin swim,” AKA that hip-grindy-humpy-thing he does after each turn.

    If lovin’ a goofy looking man ten years my junior is wrong, I do NOT want to be right.

  • 1. Damien Rice
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Daniel Craig
    4. Orlando Bloom
    5. James McAvoy

    Brad Pitt is nowhere near my list, but I’m pretty sure he’d be on my fiance’s.

  • Anytime I try to share my list with my husband, he covers his ears and sings to drown me out. That’s communication, baby!

    my list:
    David Duchovny
    Mike Rowe
    David Boreanaz
    Ewan MacGregor
    Sam Rockwell

    My husband’s list:
    Gwen Stefani x5

  • Michael Phelps is a man with some stamina. He can do the breast stroke with me any time. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

  • Rob

    1. Nicole Kidman
    2. Nastia Liukin
    3. Shirley Manson
    4. Heidi Klum
    5. Rebecca Wolf

  • DOOCE MEET UP PLEASE! at outside lands? you can tweet where you are and we can tackle i mean say hello???

    see ya at radiohead!! YAY!

  • birdgal

    1. Christian Bale
    2. Edward Norton
    3. James McAvoy
    4. Alan Rickman (shutup, it’s the voice!)
    5. The entire USA men’s swim team (hey, why settle for JUST Michael Phelps? Have you seen Aaron Piersol and Ryan Lochte?!)

  • futura4

    1. MP
    2. George Clooney
    3. Jared Leto
    4. Zach Braff
    5. Gwen Stefani

  • A

    – George Clooney
    – Bon Jovi
    – Ryan Gosling
    – Jim Sturgess
    – John Krasinski

  • Johnny Depp
    Christian Bale
    Jason Stratham
    Brad Pitt
    Brett Favre

  • LA

    1. Garth Brooks
    2. Trisha Yearwood
    3. Brad Paisley
    4. Tim McGraw
    5. Faith Hill

  • Heidi

    Have you seen Sin City? If so, how can you pick Elijah?

  • Oh, damn, forgot this:

    1. Johnny Depp
    2. Rupert Everett
    3. Alan Rickman (THE VOICE)
    4. Johnny Depp
    5. Orlando Bloom

  • I don’t think this is really in order because it changes depending on which one I’ve seen the most recently…

    Robert Downey Jr.
    Ryan Reynolds
    Jon Hamm
    Tobias Menzies
    George Clooney (who sometimes switches places with Pierce Brosnan depending on whether I’ve last watched Ocean’s 11 or James Bond)

  • et

    1. James McAvoy
    2. Jude Law
    3. James Franco
    4. Sting from the 1970’s (from Quadrohenia)
    5. Robert Smith (Lead singer of The Cure)circa 1980 before the make-up and extreme weight gain.
    * honorable mention: Edward Norton.

  • Kimi

    1. Matt Damon
    2. Matt Damon
    3. Mike Rowe
    4. Harrison Ford
    5. Matt Damon

  • 1) Hugh Jackman (only as Wolverine, not as dandy broadway dude)
    2) Gerard Butler
    3) Benecio Del Toro
    4) Seth Rogan…I dunno either.
    5) Steve Carell

    Listen, I don’t get the last two either…it is what it is.

    Also, my two words I have to type to prove I’m not spam are Grant Privates…which is exactly what I’m thinking about. Granting permission to my privates.

  • Christine

    1.Russel Crowe dressed as ‘Gladiator’, not Russell Crowe
    from “A Beautiful Mind” ..ewwww
    2. Tony Soprano–Yes, I said it, James Gandolfini.
    3. Christian Bale- Oh Batman, I need to be rescued…
    4. I guess I’d do Brad Pitt, if someone held a gun to
    my head..haha
    5. Vince Vaughn..something about him is so boyishly adorable

  • vicki

    1. BonJovi
    2. Patrick Dempsey
    3. Kyle Chandler
    4. Matt LeBlanc
    5. Neil Patrick Harris…..yeah, I know he’s gay, but so
    damn hot and I know I could totally turn him straight!!

  • oh and my list:

    1. zach braff
    2. natalie portman
    3. dave matthews
    4. vinnie (local dj)
    5. tim hudson (pitcher)

  • tupelo

    1. Prince
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. David Duchovny
    4. John Corbett
    and finally, my dark secret…
    5. Billy Bob Thornton

  • Chels

    Hugh Jackman
    Javier Bardem
    Robert Downey Jr.
    Anderson Cooper
    Ze Frank

  • 1.Ewan McGregor
    2.Jude Law
    3 Ricky Gervais
    4. I’m currently trying to slot Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom in this slot.
    5. Pending

    I take this list very seriously.

  • Anonymous

    Goran Visnjic
    John Cusack
    Hugh Jackman
    Jeff Goldblum
    Stanley Tucci (shut up!)

  • Emma

    Seeing as you share my affinity for Chris Martin (seriously, how he looks right now? So Hot.), you might be interested in checking out the interviews that George Stroumboulopoulos recently did with him, as well as Jonny and Guy, for CBC’s The Hour (prime-time hip socio-political interview thing that’s awesome.) They talk a lot about the new album, run through some of the tracks from previous ones, all in all great interviews. They’re available for viewing on the CBC’s website ( or the show has its own page on YouTube.

  • Jen

    My husband and I have been keeping our list for years! And, although the rotation has varied over the years, my number one has always been the same.

    Rhett Miller (lead singer of Old 97’s)
    Djimon Hounsou (of course, I’m reconsidering him since he hooked up with Kimora Lee)
    Matt Damon
    Daniel Craig

    Hubba hubba.

    I have to say that I’m surprised to see John Krasinki on so many lists. It’s not that I don’t see his appeal (I do! I do!), I’m just surprised to see that he’s popped up on so many radars.

  • Amber

    Clearly I am a self defeatist. In no particular order:

    Anderson Cooper – Although I fear I’m the wrong gender.
    John Cusack – Brooding melancholy anyone?
    Jon Bon Jovi – I know, how 80’s! And he’s all of 5 foot 2 but I want to be Gina to his Tommy.
    Taye Diggs – The man is “Drink His Bathwater” hot!
    Kyan Douglas – Of Queer Eye fame. I keep hoping he’s a closet hetero?!?!

    My choices in women are too shallow to list publicly….but I will say Megan Fox makes an appearance if that tells you anything.

  • 1.- 3. Joaquin Pheonix
    4. Edward Norton
    5. Johnny Depp

    After having dated artists of all sorts, I’ve liked the actors so far the best (Hi Dave!).

    Also, fantastic Jeff Tweedy clip. Wilco holds a special place for Dave and I, as on our first official date I hopped into his car and, after hearing what was playing on the stereo, said, “Hey, I like Wilco, too.” I could tell by his face that I had him then.

  • jo

    1. Taye Diggs
    2. Jude Law
    3. Brad Pitt
    4. Johnny Depp
    5. Taye Diggs (yep. He’s that hot.)

  • Anonymous

    1. Angelina Jolie
    2. John Krasinski
    3. Johnny Depp
    4. Ryan Reynolds
    5. Edward Norton

  • Leslie

    How fun. Hmmm…

    1. Tom Brady
    2. David Beckham
    3. George Clooney
    4. Eric Dane
    5. Derek Jeter

  • Sarah

    OH MY GOD! Yes for Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke! Yes a hundred times! & also:

    2. Robert Plant (in the 70’s)
    3. Johnny Depp
    4. Ray LaMontagne (his HAIR alone is worthy)
    5. Daniel Day Lewis (in Last of the Mohicans- NOT in Gangs of New York)

    I will say that if my ever so wonderful coconspirator were famous- he would occupy spots 1, 2 & 3. I’ve often thought of writing to People Magazine and having them do a NOT SO FAMOUS but STILL Sexiest Man of the Year award for him. Johnny Depp would then take the spots 4 &5.

  • Jennifer

    Ewan McGregor
    Viggo Mortenson (preferably dressed as Aragorn)
    Brad Pitt
    Harrison Ford
    Willem Defoe (some things can’t be explained)

  • Katy

    So, I find it incredibly funny that I live less than 30 miles from San Francisco and didn’t hear about this music thing. Thanks for planning my weekend for me!

  • 1. Rhett Miller
    2. Jon Brion (perfect example of talent outshining looks)
    3. Ed Norton
    4. James Franco
    5. John Krasinski

  • mjbcoug

    No guys posting their lists? What the~?!? Cowards…

    Ashley Judd
    Heather Graham
    Tiffany Thiessen
    Jennifer Love Hewitt
    Keeley Hazell

  • The List

    1. Paul Newman
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Clint Eastwood
    4. Gedeon Burkhard
    5. MacGyver 🙂 coz he should be real

  • Mia

    1. Ryan Gosling 2. Adrian Grenier ( I know, I know, but that documentary he made about finding his father won me over) 3. Matt Damon 4. Johnny Depp 5. Ed Norton

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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