Heater, Mother of Lance

Lover, business partner, best friend

About a month or two ago I signed up for Facebook to reconnect with a group of friends I had in college at BYU and since then have noticed several memes making the rounds among my contacts. I’m not usually a fan of memes and couldn’t tell you exactly why, I think it goes back to being forced to participate in group activities when I was growing up in the Mormon Church and how the trauma of having to act like I was having a good time is such that when someone even mentions Pictionary my brain starts to liquify and drizzle out my nose. The quickest way to get me to sneak out of your party is to suggest we play charades, unless the rules are that you have to take a shot of tequila every time someone yells out, “SOUNDS LIKE?” Then I’ll be sleeping on your couch and stealing your Ibuprofen.

I recently saw one going around where you’re supposed to answer several trivial questions about your marriage, and I realized that as much as this website reveals about me, it says a lot less about the man who runs the business end of things. So I thought I’d bring this meme here to give you a peek at the person I spend my entire day with. Every day. All day every day. DAY IN AND DAY OUT. ECHO… ECHO… ECHO…

What are your middle names?
My middle name is Brooke. Jon’s middle name is Hepworth. Can you guess which one of us is a great-great-grandchild of polygamists?

How long have you been together?
We’ve been married six and a half years, together seven and a half.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
I met him in June of 1997 at an outdoor music festival in Salt Lake City, but we didn’t start dating until June of 2001 in Los Angeles. So, four years.

Who asked whom out?
Hmmm… I guess that would have been me, except I didn’t ask him out, I asked him to move in with me. I do not like to dilly dally.

How old are each of you?
I’m 33, he’s OLD 43. This ten-year age difference is an endless source of amusement for me, and I like to remind him that when he was a senior in high school, I was in third grade learning long division.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Jon is the fifth of six kids, I’m the youngest of three. All but one of the siblings live in Utah, so we see both sets quite often.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
I think the thing that causes the most stress in our lives, and consequently the most stress in our marriage, is the same as it is for a lot of couples: work. This job is the same as any other in that there are weeks, sometimes months when the toll of it far outweighs the joy of it, and dealing with that toll can upset the balance of the rest of our lives. I’m not as good a communicator as he is, and he’s probably had to spend way too much time than is fair trying to pull things out of me. I’m working on that. I’m always working on that.

Did you go to the same school?
We both graduated from BYU. He got a degree in Humanities in 1992, I got a degree in English in 1997.

Are you from the same home town?
No. Jon grew up in a small northern Utah town called Brigham City, whereas I grew up in Memphis, Tennessee. Sadly, our daughter just looks at me blankly when I talk about chicken wangs.

Who is smarter?
Jon is far smarter than I am and can retain information like a computer hard drive. He remembers everything he reads. I have to work a lot harder to process information, but I’m far more driven and persistent than he is. I have to work twice as hard to be half as quick.

Who is the most sensitive?
Ahem. Next question.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
There’s a great sushi restaurant in downtown Salt Lake City called Takashi run by a chef who is half-Japanese, half-Peruvian. Whenever we plan a date this place is always at the top of our list.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Amsterdam.

Who has the craziest exes?
I wouldn’t call my exes crazy as much as I would describe them as diverse. It’s just, there are so many of them. And I can’t really talk about Jon’s exes as some of them are probably reading this right now. I will say this: none of Jon’s exes ever asked him to stick a kitchen utensil up her butt. He wins.

Who has the worst temper?
Have I ever told you about the time we went as a family to Chipotle after swimming lessons? How Leta was holding her overtired shit together right up until she spilled her entire bowl of black beans down the front of her dress? And she was so inconsolable that we had to pack everything up immediately, and as I was shoving everything into a take-out bag she threw her body face-first on the floor in front of about thirty people. So Jon has to pick her body up off the floor, and she is screaming, SCRAAHEEEEMING, all the way to the car, the entire time we buckle her in, and ten minutes later when she FINALLY calms down, when the chaos has FINALLY silenced and we can all breathe again, Jon whips his head around from the front seat, looks her tear-stained face in the eyes and yells, “WE ARE NEVER GOING TO CHIPOTLE EVER AGAIN.”

BECAUSE SHE HAD NOT CRIED ENOUGH.

Who does the cooking?
Definitely Jon. I have four recipes that I can make, and I don’t ever vary from that menu. Jon loves trying new things and rarely ever goes wrong when introducing something new he found in a cookbook. However, I often have to remind him to add more salt.

Who is the neat-freak?
Let’s just put it this way: I am a much nicer person when he puts away his socks.

Who is more stubborn?
I am Southern stubborn, he is Mormon Pioneer stubborn. And together we gave birth to a monster.

Who hogs the bed?
Okay, fine. Me, but it’s not something I have any control over. My limbs take on a life of their own when I’m asleep, and at least once a night I will wake up to find him picking up my entire body and moving it back to my side of the bed.

Who wakes up earlier?
Jon. He’s always up at about 6 AM reading feeds on his iPhone, steeling himself for the list of demands Leta will rifle off when she darts out of her bedroom.

Where was your first date?
The LACMA on Wilshire Blvd. in Los Angeles.

Who is more jealous?
This information is protected by the therapist-client privilege.

How long did it take to get serious?
We were always serious. There was never a time in our romantic relationship when we did not think we would spend the rest of our lives together.

Who eats more?
Me, no question. I’m usually finishing off the meal on his plate. However, he is the type of person who will stop by the gas station after an hour-long workout to pick up a bag of cherry Twizzlers and a Snickers bar and will have finished both before pulling into the driveway.

Who does the laundry?
Someone cannot ever remember that he is not supposed to put my sports bras in the dryer, so someone is no longer allowed to do the laundry.

Who’s better with the computer?
You should see the veins in Jon’s head bulge against his skin when he looks over and sees that it’s been three months since I ran a software update.

Who drives when you are together?
Jon, but not because he’s a better driver. I lived in Los Angeles for over four years and did enough driving for a lifetime, so I’d be happy if I never had to drive again. However, he’s recently started to drive more slowly, a development we may have to work through in therapy. That session would go like this: I wouldn’t have to nag so much if he didn’t drive like such a dumbass.

Feel free to answer some or all of the same questions about your significant other in the comments, or leave a link to your website if you prefer answering there. Look how I answered all these questions about my husband without once mentioning his ex-wife!

316 Comments
  • Ozma

    2009/02/19 at 8:54 pm

    That was interesting I swear, but of course all I want to know about now is the ex-wife.

    Oh God how horrible to have to know forever and for all time what one’s ex-spouse is doing, detail after detail. (I don’t have an ex-spouse, by the way. Just imagining!)

    This, along with porn, just goes to prove that the internet was invented by the DEVIL.

    I don’t have time to do the 10 things so I guess I’ll say that when we were dating I was saintly and good and my husband was kind of bad and then we got married and kind of switched roles and my husband is a saint. So sometimes I’m sort of grouchy and needy and a pain in the ass. Because it’s hard not to be that way if you are married to a saint. Also, my job drives me crazy. But I’m not bad, bad. My husband is just super amazing to an almost abnormal degree. But I’m not complaining about that!!!

    I like our marriage. It disproves all the things you learn in therapy because we’re both crazy but so happy together! Therapists lie, single people going to therapy because you haven’t found anyone. If you are screwed up you don’t have to get all better–just find the person who is screwed up in a way that’s good for you.

  • chantellerama

    2009/02/19 at 9:00 pm

    who does the laundry? me,ever since he put his stinky oil stained coveralls in with my cutesy-wear-only-on-special-occasions panties.

    who does the driving? most of the time me. mainly cuz he drives like well…your husband. I mean,seriously? my husband DRIVES for a LIVING! And like someone said in an earlier comment, if I wasn’t in the car with him, I’d pass him while giving him the finger. But that all changed when I got a speeding ticket-in front of our house, with my 16month old in the back seat.

    who does the cooking? me.
    who’s more stubborn? me.
    who’s more jealous? me.
    who’s more sensitive? me.
    …and pretty much every other question on there…the answer is….me.
    Known him for something like 8 years (we can’t agree on the particular year)-moved in after 3 months- and married for almost 2yrs.
    It’s been a real blessing that I got to marry my best friend, and I’m glad you got to too.

  • Stephanie

    2009/02/19 at 10:41 pm

    What are your middle names?
    Barbara and Robert.

    How long have you been together?
    Together for 5 years and 11 months, married for 5 years and 3 months.

    How long did you know each other before you started dating?
    We met at a punk rock show in 2001, started dating in 2003.

    Who asked whom out?
    He asked me.

    How old are each of you?
    26 and 28.

    Whose siblings do you see the most?
    Mine since he has none. Other than a white trash half sister who was given up for adoption.

    Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
    Not sure.

    Did you go to the same school?
    We both have English degrees from the same school. I minored in French and he in theatre.

    Are you from the same home town?
    Not really. But we spent our formative years in the same town.

    Who is smarter?
    When we did the TV IQ test together we both scored 136. But we each have different areas where we are stronger.

    Who is the most sensitive?
    He is.

    Where do you eat out most as a couple?
    Either Subway, or our favorite sushi place.

    Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
    Phoenix (from Vancouver)

    Who has the craziest exes?
    He does. The person I’m thinking about was more of a hook-up than a girlfriend…

    Who has the worst temper?
    He definitely does, but I’m not exactly the most cool-headed person in the world.

    Who does the cooking?
    When we actually cook it’s usually me, but lately it’s been him.

    Who is the neat-freak?
    Neither. Sadly.

    Who is more stubborn?
    We are both very stubborn.

    Who hogs the bed?
    I do, but I can’t help it!

    Who wakes up earlier?
    I do.

    Where was your first date?
    We went to Willard. Yes, the rat movie.

    Who is more jealous?
    I am.

    How long did it take to get serious?
    A few weeks.

    Who eats more?
    He does.

    Who does the laundry?
    I do.

    Who’s better with the computer?
    I am.

    Who drives when you are together?
    He usually does.

  • Woman Tribune

    2009/02/19 at 11:16 pm

    My boyfriend and I are 9 years apart and whenever he is telling me a story about his adolescence and the stupid stuff he did as a teenager I always sure to point out how old I was when he doing all of this. He then gets grossed out and begs me to stop referring to myself as a young, impressionable child compared to him. It’s a good time!

  • kristina

    2009/02/20 at 2:35 am

    ha! loved reading this…a nice little insight into the life o’ you.

    and LOVE the site. it has become a daily read for me now. and not just because i hate my job so much that it i didnt read blogs i would poke my own eyes out. its actually a really good read. well done. thanks.

  • Melissa

    2009/02/20 at 7:33 am
  • Carly

    2009/02/20 at 8:47 am

    My husband started the driving slower thing this year to save gas and it drives me insane. He will coast for entire blocks because he sees a red light up ahead and doesn’t feel a need to waste gas only to stop again. Since then, I’ve been driving more.

  • ikate

    2009/02/20 at 9:01 am

    Very interesting. Love the retelling of the Chipotle incident. And I knew Jon was older but never knew their was that big of a difference. I too like pointing out to my husband that I was a lowly 7th grader with braces when he was graduating high school.

    Here is mine:
    http://www.kakakakaty.com/?p=290

  • Jamie

    2009/02/20 at 9:55 am

    Ha! The age difference hit home with me. My hubby and I are 8 years apart and I like to tease him that while he was being baptized I was being blessed (we are both Mormon). He was robbing from the cradle!

    Wishing you nothing but the best with this pregnancy Heather & Jon.

  • Emma

    2009/02/20 at 9:58 am

    I`m on holidays in Paris at the moment but I`ll post mine here http://www.princesseemma.com/ when I get home in a couple of days 🙂

  • Teri

    2009/02/20 at 10:41 am

    Comment 95 is the best blog comment ever. Ladle? Whisk? Can opener? Now that’s funny.

  • Melissa

    2009/02/20 at 11:23 am

    I couldn’t resist participating in the fun. I love reading anything you write on your blog and never cease to be amazed by the beauty of your photo’s and the humor of your posts!

    Here is the link to my question and answers….
    http://nowwhatbaby.blogspot.com/2009/02/022009-special-edition.html

  • debi

    2009/02/20 at 11:27 am

    Ok. That Chipotle story = HILARIOUS!

    I love when you write about your husband. Through all the jokes and sarcasm, it’s obvious you two are very much in love!

  • Jen

    2009/02/20 at 12:22 pm

    http://januaryjen.blogspot.com/2009/02/all-about-mavis.html

    I did the survey and was quite surprised to find that we had similar answers.

  • Angela

    2009/02/20 at 12:29 pm

    Great article, great MeMe! Love, love, love!!
    Here is my blog!

    Flop and Frolic

    And here is my MeMe. It’s an intoxication of information!


    How we Came to Be

  • Sarah V

    2009/02/20 at 12:55 pm

    Very sweet. Isn’t marriage freaky? I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks and have taken comfort from filling out countless Facebook surveys giving way too much information. So I thought I’d share:

    How long did you know each other before you started dating?
    I hit on him repeatedly and salaciously for seven months before finally physically attacking him in front of my apartment after he gave me a ride home from a bar. He’s slow, but worth it.

    Who asked whom out?
    See above.

    How old are each of you?
    We’re both 38, but he’s almost 5 months younger. He enjoys those months between September and February.

    Whose siblings do you see the most?
    My family is small, antisocial and in other states. We see Dan’s family slightly more often than my own.

    Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
    Parenting. We are both fairly easygoing and lazy, so we’ve never been big on drama. But adding a child into the mix is obviously complicated. It brings up our own very different childhoods and parental interactions, combining our insecurities with our obsessive and overwhelming love for this little individual who has his own agenda. This frequently causes problems. It’s also a wonderful experience, but definitely the hardest.

    Did you go to the same school?
    No. But we both got fairly useless degrees (Theater and English), so that’s nice.

    Are you from the same home town?
    Not even close. Dan was born in Beaverton and would like to die there. Preferable in the same house with the same wallpaper and the same bed.

    Who is smarter?
    Dan is very funny and practical. His solutions to problems are often brilliantly straight forward. I over-think everything and expound on my ideas for hours until I’ve bored people out of their minds, but I SEEM smart. And annoying.

    Who is the most sensitive?
    Dan. My sensitivity chip was damaged at a young age and I have a hard, cold center. After Max’s birth I softened a bit, but only toward him. And only partially.

    Where do you eat out most as a couple?
    The Country Cat is my favorite place to go for special occasions. We used to go to Pasta Bella downtown, but it closed. Very sad. Dan likes a good dollar menu.

    Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
    Boston to visit family and friends. Dan is NOT a traveler.

    Who has the craziest exes?
    Being low-key people, we don’t really attract the crazies. Dan probably wins this prize by a narrow margin, but only because I’m many other peoples’ crazy ex.

    Who has the worst temper?
    I do. I can snap at any moment. I like to think Dan considers this exciting.

    Who does the cooking?
    I love to cook and Dan doesn’t. But he will make me tomato soup and grilled cheese when I’m sick, and that’s all I really need.

    Who is the neat-freak?
    We are in no way neat or tidy. Although sometimes Dan will make the bed, which mystifies me, but it’s kinda nice.

    Who is more stubborn?
    I am. I have a plan. We must not vary from the plan in my head, even though I will not share it with anyone. Max inherited this trait from me. Awesome.

    Who hogs the bed?
    We have an enormous king-size bed. You’d have to be an aggressive sleeper to hog it. But Dan is a blanket thief. YOU ARE A BLANKET THIEF, DAN! OWN IT!

    Who wakes up earlier?
    If left to our own devices, I would wake up before Dan every time. But Max wakes before the ass-crack of dawn and wants his Spongebob and his breakfast RIGHT NOW AND WHY AREN’T YOU IN THE KITCHEN MAKING IT FOR ME, MAN SLAVE!!!! Dan is the one who rises at these moments and that’s why I put up with his incurable urges to hide my stuff, preferably teetering on a high shelf where it will fall on my head unexpectedly.

    Where was your first date?
    Dan took me to his apartment to watch Harrison Ford receive some kind of lifetime achievement award on TV. While we were waiting for the special to air, he showed me his Harrison Ford scrapbook and revealed the most disturbing and fascinating “man crush” ever recorded. I fell in love with him immediately and completely.

    Who is more jealous?
    Probably me, but not of women. I get jealous of his time when he’s working on shows. I need my Dan time.

    How long did it take to get serious?
    I’m always serious. Dan wasn’t up for the fight. Isn’t it romantic?

    Who eats more?
    I eat more consistently but he eats enormous portions of chicken in one sitting. I swear he can polish off half a bird in about an hour.

    Who does the laundry?
    Until last month I had always done the laundry. And then I made some stupid, meaningless comment about it, and now he’s started doing laundry. I regret this because now I feel like I have to occasionally clean the kitchen and it sucks.

    Who’s better with the computer?
    We’re about even on this. Just when I think I’m smarter than Dan and the smugness is feeling fine, he does something brilliant and I have to admit that I’m just more showy.

    Who drives when you are together?
    Dan drives. (The monotonous tone of someone reciting a necessary mantra) He’s a very good driver. But really the truth is that I drink alcohol and he doesn’t, so he drives more often. Plus I like being a passenger.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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