An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

32 weeks

This week marks the 32nd of my pregnancy:

32 weeks

First of all, how much does that photo look like a recreation of the new Pepsi logo? Seriously, go look at the new Pepsi logo and tell me it doesn’t look like the belly of a pregnant woman who refuses to buy maternity clothes. Or maybe the profile of a someone who had a serious run-in with a beef burrito.

Yesterday I wore a set of ridiculously tight work-out clothes when I picked up Leta from school, and as I walked in the door one of the kids in her class who was pretending to nap on a tiny cot sat up straight, pointed in horror at my belly and screamed, “YOU’RE HUGE!” I guess I hadn’t seen this particular kid in several weeks because of my book tour, so I can understand how the growth of my torso might have jarred her a bit. And because this kid has at times been aggressive with Leta I sort of fell prey to my more sinister instincts. Meaning I instantly contorted my hands and arms to look like bear claws, snarled my upper lip and then ROARED. WHILE LUNGING AT HER. I don’t know what came over me, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I’ll admit, that wasn’t one of my finer moments. But there is only so much fun you can have with all this extra body just hanging around, and scaring the living shit out of kids just happens to be at the top of that list.

Life in this third trimester is so much more uncomfortable than it was last time around, if that is even possible. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I’m five years older and certain body parts just don’t bend or maneuver with the ease that they used to. Every morning before we go upstairs for breakfast I take a look around and figure out what I’m going to need for the day. Because SO HELP ME GOD, I am only going to climb those stairs once. This means that Jon spends a good portion of his day retrieving things for me from the basement. He’s very good about not complaining about this act of service, although once after bringing me a pair of pants he dared to ask why I just didn’t put them on first thing in the morning. And I was all, dude, may you never have to experience a state of being that makes PUTTING ON PANTS such a loathsome set of contortions that you would seriously consider going grocery shopping in your panties.

Quick note: our house is built into the side of a hill so that from the front it looks like a one-story house, from the back a two-story house, and all our bedrooms are on the lower floor where one side sits against the hill and the other side opens up to the backyard. Saying “we go upstairs to the kitchen” was confusing a lot of people and causing them to cry. A lot of the houses in Utah are laid out this way because of the number of neighborhoods built into the hillside. And since I’m answering this frequently asked question, maybe I’ll just go ahead and clear up some other burning inquiries: 1) no, Mormons are not required to wear their heavenly underwear during sex, 2) we continue to live in Utah despite that fact that we are no longer Mormon because my mother has threatened to cut me out of her will if I move her grandchildren out of state, and you would stay put, too, if you thought you might lose that enormous collection of ceramic roosters, and 3) no, absolutely not, I do not recommend you go out and adopt a miniature Australian Shepherd. In order to get the breed that small they’ve had to remove the brain.

  • I really wish you hadn’t definitively answered the heavenly underwear question; you’ve singlehandedly crushed all my Mormon sex fantasies. Now how will I occupy myself on Saturday nights?

    Oh, and it’s not just the mini Aussies – I had a regular-sized Aussie (my ex-husband has custody now) and he is completely and utterly batshit crazy. Uh, I mean that in the nicest way.

  • I’m impressed that you have a choice not to wear maternity clothes. That just was not even a possibility for me. Had you been working out when you picked up Leta? Because I think just wearing the clothes counts for something.

  • Ah, the increased fatigue. That would be directly related to old-assness. I experienced the same thing with my second child. I fear birthing the third we so badly because of the old-assness tired-ass syndrome that awaits me.

  • Lynn

    I SO hope the story about scaring the child is true. The image in my head is priceless. A tip for your swollen feet… A girlfriend of mine got so swollen she had to leave work 2 months early because she could no longer put on shoes. It was recommended to her by a mid-wife that she find a pool and stand in it for as long as she could take it. She didn’t have access to a pool so she wasn’t able to try it, but from what I’ve read about it, it works pretty well for some people.

  • Jessica

    You look so good! I remember the ‘home stretch’ it took FOREVER!!
    Don’t feel too bad about scaring the kid. A girl(she was 8) who bullied my daughter(age 6) got scared of my Halloween costume, and even though I could see she didn’t like it, I still lunged at her and made her scream. I like to think of it as the mama bear instinct. That or we’re just mean 😀

    Had a dream last night that you went into labor and I was at your house(boy I sound creepy huh?) and you made me stay there in a single room for 2 weeks watching coco. Its a miracle I didn’t wake up crazy(er).

  • Bea

    I am not seeing the resemblance to the Pepsi logo…but you’re not THAT huge.

  • You look great.

    I can completely relate to how the stairs become a very evil, intimidating enemy during the third trimester! Great job fighting the enemy…

  • Oh, wait, I stopped reading too soon – the BEST part of the faq page is this:
    “Plenty of Mormons have been injured and killed while wearing their magic underwear.”
    If that doesn’t make you pee in your pants from laughing so hard, well, then maybe I’m just Craezie!

  • RH

    Nine months isn’t that long when you think of it in terms of a prison sentence. Hang in there!

  • I gave birth to my only child 13 years ago and I don’t look as good as you do.

  • I think that was a totally appropriate response to the little kid. You look amazing!

  • Sarah

    Funny post! I was one of the criers, so thanks for clarifying. I remember this time of my pregnancy being very similar. I was so uncomfortable and putting on pants was such a chore, the I too considered shopping in my panties. I guess the populace should thank my husband for doing the shopping himself. With his pants on.

  • You look great! I LOL’ed at the answers to your FAQ’s.

  • Next time Leta’s classmate picks on her, you should visit the school again and tell her all about child birth, and how it only happens to mean little girls.

  • Adrienne

    You look absolutely beautiful!

  • Since it seems that you get your fair share of snarky comments on your blog and that it’s a rare occasion that I get here before the comments are closed i thought I would take the opportunity to tell you how great you look pregnant!

    Also…I think someone up there in the comments told you have a pancake ass. Not that I’m tattling…I’m just saying…..

  • Sara Joy

    I’m 34 weeks – my belly is twice the size of yours and so are other various body parts which are causing me high anxiety. However, apparently my feet are still half the size of yours, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain ;).
    I actually had to comment though because I NEVER.
    Thought that putting on pants could be so much stinking work and I about fell out of my chair when I read this post because that is so my life right now.
    Only my husband isn’t as well trained, he still has the nerve to chuckle when I sigh and pout at the though of having to wrestle myself into my clothes for the day.

  • I’m just a few weeks behind you in my pregnancy and I also had a bit of ‘moment’ with a little girl at pre-school who is snippy with my daughter when I picked her up an hour ago. It wasn’t one of my finer moments either, but I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who does things like that. (And I have to admit, it was kind of fun. In an “I’ll show HER to mess with my little girl…” way.)

  • I love you, your blog, and your belly. You’re beautiful. No, I’m not a lesbo. Cheers.

  • Your teeny belly is adorable. I am allowed to call your belly teeny because I am 30 weeks preggo and I look like I am having triplets compared to you 🙂 Not that I am complaining because all of the weight goes right to my belly instead of all over the dang place…it can always be worse, right!?

    May I share with you my new pregnancy delicacy. One of the baristas at Starbucks recently turned me onto the strawberry and creme frap…knowing I love lemonade she added some lemonade to it before it was mixed. No caffeine…HEAVEN!

  • Anna
  • Love this post.. week 32 has definitely kicked up funny a few notches 😉

  • C

    I’m 30 weeks pregnant with twins (your nightmare) and according to my OB’s measurements I’m now the same size as someone carrying a single baby at full term. I regard stairs as just plain evil and am often heard cussing when I get to the bottom or top of them only to discover I’ve forgotten something on the other side. I keep reminding myself the situation is temporary, but also wonder how sumo wrestlers manage to lug themselves around on a regular basis.

  • Awww, the mini-shephards are soooo cute and as equally psychotic as their non-pint size counterparts. I may lose all sanity and get one for our next dog…or not.

  • Can’t believe I misspelled “shepherd.” DUR!

  • Noelle

    I think you did exactly the right thing with the kid on the cot. So there.

  • Kathy C.

    You’re gorgeous. Wouldn’t even know you’re pregnant were it not for your tummy. How do you DO that? (Stay gorgeous, not get pg.)

    Thanks for posting pictures.

  • Hilarious! I have a “pretty” dog too…a Siberian Husky. But I have to admit, she does have “half” a brain at least. Compared to my GSD/FMD mix, she’s not too bright. But as Huskies go, she’s smarter than most! We call her our super model: pretty to look at, but _____(fill in the blank smart jokes).

    Hey, where’s the hate posts that say your chin looks like a weapon? I miss that dork.

  • We just found out that our 15-week old Aussie is a miniature (got her on Craigslist..took her to the vet and they told us she was going to stay small). She is a freaking spaz. I hope she calms down someday. Knock on wood!

  • Junewell

    I recently had to spend a month away from home for work and my temporary apartment faced a GIANT building-sized painting of the new Pepsi logo. Do. Not. Like. Why is Pepsi, which has always positioned itself as modern in contrast to “classic” Coke, using this weird retro logo?

    But anyway, dittos to all the complimentary comments about how good you look.

  • After my initial excitement over your mention of heavenly underwear. I realized that I needed answers. Please be my source for all things Mormon. Like why did my friends Mom burned her worn out heavenly underwear in a jar in the back yard?

  • Oh sister, I feel you. I’m 32 weeks along, too, and I want to kick myself every time I leave something I need either upstairs or downstairs from where I am…jeez louise lugging around all this belly is getting tiresome. And I’m way more pregnant-looking than you, you’re absolutely svelte–folks keel over when they find out I have 2 MORE MONTHS to go. I had them doublecheck the ultrasound yesterday to make sure I’m not growing an extra airstream trailer in there.

  • karen

    I wonder why Victoria’s Secret doesn’t carry the heavenly underwear line yet? Goes with the angel wings theme and all.

  • Rachelle

    I was so miserably uncomfortable with my 2nd pregnancy that I was begging my OB to induce me at 36 weeks. She finally caved and my daughter was born a week early. And despite my discomfort and enormous size, I still managed to shave my legs and get “cleaned up” before I went to the hospital. Lipstick and all! 🙂

    Hang in there! You’re almost done! My girls are almost exactly 5 years apart! It’s a fun ride!!

  • You look great for 32 weeks. Wow, I mean, you look great AND the 32 week belly is a reasonable size!
    I love that you scared a child, I have been known to scare a few myself. It’s good for them!
    When I was pg with my first, my feet swelled so much that I couldn’t wear any shoes at all for the last 6 weeks. My dad bought a pair of slip on sandals two sizes bigger than my regular shoe size so that I didn’t have to go to the hospital in my bare feet to give birth.

    hey, where are the haters? Aren’t they late?

  • I am jealous now. I do not even get away with pulling faces at kids, let alone scaring the living shit out of them.
    But it is alway so tempting when they are pointing at me or rather my “look mummy, that woman has got funny hair”-dreads.

    Enjoy your pregnancy!

  • I know you probably feel like crap, and the home stretch is always the worst, but you look wonderful. =)

  • Whitney

    Awe, give Coco a break. I have a mutt dog and she hasn’t yet grown her brain either. I have discovered that the dog brain doesn’t start growing until they reach 2 1/2 years old. It is magic, all of the sudden they become normal. I have a 3 year old supermutt that looks a lot like Chuck and she is very much like a cat now that her brain has grown. But the puppy is only a year and well, she is still brainless.

  • sranston

    Congrats on your pregnancy, you look great and are carrying well like a true pro! I live in Jamaica, have two wonderful kids, and took up running to reclaim my body and I did, thank God! All the best!

  • Alyssa

    As a fellow pregnant woman, I feel the need to comment about the American Apparel ads running on your website. They are promoting skin-tight, neon UNITARDS as a “comfy and cute” look for pregnant women! If getting into a pair of pants is unpleasant, unitards must be considerably worse. Plus, assuming that I’m not the only one gaining weight places other than my belly, I don’t think a unitard would be very flattering.

  • Anastasia

    I’m 31 weeks pregnant, and I’m wearing my husband’s flip-flops to work today. Enough said.

  • Rachael

    Ahhh, spiritual spankies… good times. People ask me (the exmo) about those all the time. It’s actually kind of weird to be sitting there and talking about mormon underwear, but hey, they are curious and I reeaaally don’t like the church, so please, get comfortable.

    And I wouldn’t risk losing my dibs on the ceramic roosters, either. I myself and eyeballing my mother’s collection of old, dusty Readers Digests… just think of all of the jokes in those babies. Literal pages and pages. Yes, please.

  • First of all I never looked like this lady at 32 weeks…this looks more like a 20 week picture.

    Congrats for the baby being almost cooked!


  • Wouldn’t it be nice if there were stores only for pregnant women? I don’t mean maternity. I mean: grocery stores, where ONLY pregnant women could shop. The sweets, pickles and special In N Out burger aisles would be extra wide to accommodate all shoppers, who would not have to think about what they were wearing, whether their ponytails were uneven or if their stretchmarks were showing. Shopping in panties would not only be acceptable, but recommended. Or libraries for pregnant women consisting of People Magazines and enormous beanbag chairs and one special In N Out bar in a hushed corner. In my dreams, anyway.

  • I am trying to eat as healthy as I can, while munching on pate for breakfast, chutney and biscotti for lunch, and apples and garlic bread for snack (I’m not kidding, this is really what I’ve eaten so far today – I’m a culinary school student!), but now all my hopes are dashed by this sudden urge for a Pepsi.

    Ah well. I really wasn’t convincing anyone of my healthy intentions. I supposed I might as well get some ice cream to go with it.


  • i so tried to warn you about those aussies, but do people listen to jimbo?


  • you look AMAZING. I am 30 weeks today and look like I’m hiding a basketball under my shirt. How do you do it!?

  • You totally glow, despite not being able to bend. So there’s that!

  • You look amazing and I am amazed you have the energy to do all of the things you have been doing!

    I just wanted to be lazy and bummy the last weeks of my pregnancy.

    Thanks for the update and the funny insights about pregnancy. I love that you are honest and tell about the real truths of being huge pregnant.

  • You’re looking great at 32 weeks! And hey, congratulations on getting this far and not killing Jon yet. I’m only 28 weeks and things are already starting to look dicey for my husband.

    I’ll bet it’s because when I ask him to retrieve something for me, it’s all on the same floor, so he mopes about it and I’m like BRING ME ICE CREAM OR MY BRAIN WILL EXPLODE RIGHT NOW. Jon has maybe figured something out about this whole pregnancy thing =)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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