An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

32 weeks

This week marks the 32nd of my pregnancy:

32 weeks

First of all, how much does that photo look like a recreation of the new Pepsi logo? Seriously, go look at the new Pepsi logo and tell me it doesn’t look like the belly of a pregnant woman who refuses to buy maternity clothes. Or maybe the profile of a someone who had a serious run-in with a beef burrito.

Yesterday I wore a set of ridiculously tight work-out clothes when I picked up Leta from school, and as I walked in the door one of the kids in her class who was pretending to nap on a tiny cot sat up straight, pointed in horror at my belly and screamed, “YOU’RE HUGE!” I guess I hadn’t seen this particular kid in several weeks because of my book tour, so I can understand how the growth of my torso might have jarred her a bit. And because this kid has at times been aggressive with Leta I sort of fell prey to my more sinister instincts. Meaning I instantly contorted my hands and arms to look like bear claws, snarled my upper lip and then ROARED. WHILE LUNGING AT HER. I don’t know what came over me, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I’ll admit, that wasn’t one of my finer moments. But there is only so much fun you can have with all this extra body just hanging around, and scaring the living shit out of kids just happens to be at the top of that list.

Life in this third trimester is so much more uncomfortable than it was last time around, if that is even possible. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I’m five years older and certain body parts just don’t bend or maneuver with the ease that they used to. Every morning before we go upstairs for breakfast I take a look around and figure out what I’m going to need for the day. Because SO HELP ME GOD, I am only going to climb those stairs once. This means that Jon spends a good portion of his day retrieving things for me from the basement. He’s very good about not complaining about this act of service, although once after bringing me a pair of pants he dared to ask why I just didn’t put them on first thing in the morning. And I was all, dude, may you never have to experience a state of being that makes PUTTING ON PANTS such a loathsome set of contortions that you would seriously consider going grocery shopping in your panties.

Quick note: our house is built into the side of a hill so that from the front it looks like a one-story house, from the back a two-story house, and all our bedrooms are on the lower floor where one side sits against the hill and the other side opens up to the backyard. Saying “we go upstairs to the kitchen” was confusing a lot of people and causing them to cry. A lot of the houses in Utah are laid out this way because of the number of neighborhoods built into the hillside. And since I’m answering this frequently asked question, maybe I’ll just go ahead and clear up some other burning inquiries: 1) no, Mormons are not required to wear their heavenly underwear during sex, 2) we continue to live in Utah despite that fact that we are no longer Mormon because my mother has threatened to cut me out of her will if I move her grandchildren out of state, and you would stay put, too, if you thought you might lose that enormous collection of ceramic roosters, and 3) no, absolutely not, I do not recommend you go out and adopt a miniature Australian Shepherd. In order to get the breed that small they’ve had to remove the brain.

  • Elise

    . And because this kid has at times been aggressive with Leta……who says? your daughter? ha ha ha haaaaaaa!

  • Gail

    I live in Utah…just below Rice-Eccles Stadium…and it’s by choice. I have no parents here, nor children, nor grandchildren and I’m not Mormon, never have been. Am I nuts? Here we have 4 distinct seasons, you may have noticed the recession has not hurt us terribly (we pull those mountains in over our heads and ignore it), but it will probably hit us hard when the rest of the country (world?) is in definite recovery. It’s a good place to raise children and ya know? I have some great friends here. And I’m beautifully triangulated to visit family in Seattle, Chapel Hill and Houston. You could find worse places to live. And years ago, our kitchen was upstairs, too!

  • Anonymous

    So…what about Big Love? I love it 🙂

  • Anonymous

    You look great!

  • thedogatemyhomework

    Your picture reminds me of the Tori Spelling comment I read today: She says her belly was so large during her last pregnancy that she couldn’t reach her “down there” region so her husband had to shave that vicinity for her. What a thoughtful guy. And, we all know how oh-so important it is to be well-groomed when you’re in the last tri-mester. ?#%& I guess I’m extremely rude because shaving was THE LAST THING I worried about during pregnancy…how about you?

  • Lisa

    Yes, you are right about the Pepsi logo.

    Pepsi — harumph. Was it really truly absolutely necessary to mess around with a perfectly good AND RECOGNIZABLE THE WORLD OVER logo, and if so, why, for heaven’s sake?

  • Mandy

    I cried the other day when I was trying to put a pair of boots on. I’m 38 weeks and hears ya, oh how I hears ya! It is much more uncomfortable the second time around. I have exactly the same symptoms as I had with my first pregnancy -sciatica translating to white hot heat down the front of my thighs and acid indigestion but ten times worse! Like you, I’ve looked pretty healthy so people are telling me how good I’m looking but I feel like absolute shit! So there is also a part of me that’s sad the ride will be over soon (and the compliments on my looks with it NO doubt), as this will be the last one for sure! I have a son who will turn five soon after the baby is born so relate to the age difference too! I think it’s the best. Like you, I’m so happy he will be really ‘present’ for this experience (and everything that’s led up to it) He can’t wait to cuddle and play with the baby…oh, yeah but only if it’s a boy, if it’s a girl ‘he just won’t like it’.

    Also can’t resist offering some names up (although I think Alexandra is a beautiful name)

    Peppa-Rose, Greta, Adele, Rosa, Matilda, Tilda.

  • Anonymous

    Upside Heather? Nice boobs. Seriously.

  • I’d do the same thing to the kid!

  • Megan Putman

    Sorry Heather. I’m wasting your comment section space with a comment on your last photo of Leta.

    She is exquisite. I cannot wait to see the next beautiful being you and Jon bring into this world.

    Megan Putman

    P.S. My son has green eyes. But they’re a lot more devilish than Leta’s.

  • Oh, I beg to differ. Even the “regular” Aussies are insane. I believe the only difference I’ve seen is less hair. More easily maneuvered into a washing machine…

    Sometimes, that seems like the best option.

    I don’t know how you’re tackling stairs at all, during the last few weeks of my pregnancy I could barely walk the pain in my hips was so unbearable. You should get a medal.

  • carrieboo

    You look great 🙂

  • All this time when you said heavenly underware I just assumed they were grannie panties. I had no idea they were an actuall thing. So check you out being all educational.

  • Ok, I know you don’t feel this way at all…but you wear pregnancy very well! I was cursed to looking like an Oompa Loompa for the last 20 WEEKS! My 5 foot frame was not very forgiving…thank goodness for the Shrinkx Belt that saved me from having to live in Oompa Loompa Land forever! 🙂

    Also, I have to say that my kids are 4 1/2 years apart and it has been awesome!!! You truly get to enjoy each stage of each child…the good part is coming so hang in there!

    Still have YOUR belt waiting…just tell me when and where to send it! Now go put your feet up! 🙂

  • Have you also noticed how the new Pepsi logo is pretty much an EXACT REPLICA of the Obama campaign logo?

  • You look really beautiful.

  • Penny

    Heavenly Underwear: ‘Sweetheart necklines usually follow the line of the bra, which is worn over the garment.’

    Wikipedia is a mine of information – bra OVER the t-shirt part??? How does that work? I’m in Australia so not a lot of Mormons here or options for finding physical examples of ‘heavenly garments’ or how they’re worn. Actually quite a lot of young Mormon men show up earnestly in Sydney in short white shirts with black ties and try to convert you in the park while you eat your sandwich but I wouldn’t want to shock them by asking to see their underwear.

    Could you please, please take a picture? Belly and all.

  • Alex

    Funny post today!

  • Christy Wood

    Yes 32 weeks is uncomfortable to say the least, but you look awesome. That has to count for something, right?

  • This post? This post is WHY I love to read this site! Especially the second paragraph; I absolutely love it.

    Sidenote! I was pointed to in a post about baby names and naming fictional characters. So, you punch in a name you like, and it finds you similar ones! (I punched in “Not Maria”, and it came up as a name, and then had suggestions! Xristina and Drusilla totally being my favourites!) Maybe it’ll help some?

    (I swear, it has real names, too. But come on, Drusilla is way more fun than Samantha.)

  • Heather you look adorable. Good for you for scaring the kiddos – that’s fun even when they don’t deserve it – little boogers!

    I was wondering about your house and how it was designed – thanks for clarifying. I wasn’t curious about the mormon undies though. :p

    Thanks for keeping us updated – can’t wait to see the new beautiful Armstrong lady of the house! :O)

  • Katy

    I’ll never look at the Pepsi logo the same….

  • Look at the bright side, your gloved hand isn’t on fire like neverland’s was back in the 80’s. “:)

    or was that his hair?

  • i will sleep easier knowing how your house is laid out for sure!

    and now i’m scared to get pregnant again…i hadn’t thought about the whole aging body thing – yuck. it was crappy enough the first time. oh well.

  • Trish

    you do NOT look HUGE…you look about 32 weeks…and probably uncomfortable. Next phase—telling Jon–“YOU did this to me!”.

    1) I thought during rapture you were not wearing “heavenly underware”?!?!

    2) wow…thought it was a requirement to be Mormon to live in Utah.

    3) I think you’ve hit the nail on the head about mini Aussies…so sorry! Then again, sometimes, even the brightest dogs are stoopid.

  • Allison

    These are my suggestions for names: Maeve, Autumn, and Paisley.

  • I live in a townhome and am 7 months preggo with TWINS. I know exactly how you feel about stairs and I do the same thing. And if I were still brainwashed and had Momo pjs- I’d TOTALLY wear them during sex.

    I love your blog. And I love that your mom has a collection of breakable cocks.

  • BOOBS! Sorry, I couldn’t help myself

  • Rachel E.

    Raucous out loud laughing! I’ve always wondered about your kitchen being “upstairs”. Thanks for clearing that up.

  • We have a Siberian Husky and I think she has less than half of a brain. She can’t bark, it sounds like someone who has been smoking all of their life and her howl is silent. (The vet says she’s fine) She runs around in circles and chews on my bleeping walls. Dumb dog! My daughter is 6 months now but I can clearly remember the hateful growl I gave to her dad when he came in the room and ask me if I needed any help after listening to me grunt for 10 minutes trying to get my pants on. I had to get up 2 hours early just to get ready in the morning and people kept telling me I did not look pregnant at all. Bunch of liars I felt like a massive cow. Congrats on your book and good luck with the new baby!!!

  • 1) My husband and I (non mormon, and we really love beer) would love to live in certain parts of Utah…well, ok…we would love to live in Salt Lake City and travel to the many parts of Utah and surrounding states.

    2) You look amazing this entire pregnancy (this should have been #1, but it’s not…sorry, we really want to live in SLC).

    3) I am inspired by you big-time in many ways. I am bummed at the moment because I was following you with my pregnancy (not stalking you…just happened to be a fan and be five weeks after you pregnant)…but after 20 weeks, our pregnancy didn’t work out. You have been through it as well…and that is what gives us hope about having #2 (our first groovy child will be 5 this summer).

    Groove on, Dooce! 😉

  • Thank you for taking the time to explain about split-level houses – when I first joined the church and went out to BYU, I thought they were a requirement for a temple recommend.

  • Bossy goes upstairs to get to her kitchen too! If she is in her basement! Otherwise, no. And it doesn’t make her readers cry. Wait — what was the question?

  • jon must be getting a great workout. ya know. those stairs.

  • Interesting house set up… Although technically I went “upstairs to the kitchen” in my old house too, so it’s not that strange.

  • Lindsey M

    This really has nothing to do with your post…. but I had to share.

    I’m a speech therapist and today a client brought in a new, cool, Star Wars coloring book to therapy….and then he asked, “you got any crowns?”

    While I kindly explained, that, no, I don’t have princess crowns in my office, he said, “no, not crowns, CROWNS, you know, like markers, but CROWNS!!!”

    Then, I realized….this is how Jon must feel

  • jennifer

    i’ve always wondered about going upstairs to the kitchen, but felt silly asking. i’m glad others weren’t so inclined. just finished “It Sucked…”. You freaking rock and deserve all the fame and fortune that comes along with said rocking!

  • jennypenny

    you look great, momma, never mind that kid. i am so grateful to have seen you and met you in austin. i’m the pregnant lady that totally jumped the line and blamed judaism for it. you signed my book! ok, sorry, had to get that out there. thanks, heather, and we’re almost there!

  • Anonymous

    You are huge! So much bigger than the pictures of your last pregnancy! Oh – well – I am sure you will be able to take the extra weight off. You look like you have only gained about 20 – 25 pounds so far! Good job Heather!

  • I have read your blog for quite awhile and have to say I totally understand the set up of your house, because mine is the same way. All the bedrooms downstairs and you walk onto the second floor from street level.


  • Lolainaz

    I am absolutely in love with you and this blog!! You are my hero! You look so amazing but the image running through my head of you trying to put on pants, saying f-it and going shopping in your panites had me rolling on the floor laughing so hard I had to change my panites!! OMG you are such a great addition to my daily must haves!! Love you love you love you!!!
    And for the idiots that don’t…. get the coat hangers out of your ass, this chic is funny!

  • A

    32 weeks. Ah the memories. CONSTIPATION. Then at 38 weeks, in labor, delivery room, poop everywhere. Fun.

    You look lovely.

  • Yeah, Jon really shouldn’t complain until you start making him bring everything from upstairs down to the bedroom because damned if you’re climbing up those stairs even just once a day at 36 weeks.

    And at that point, he should still only complain to himself.

  • It looks precisely like the Pepsi logo. They obviously saw my five month pregnant self waddling downtown the other day, tank top riding up.

    I am as big as you are now, and I’m only 20 weeks. I’ll let you post a picture of MY Pepsi logo at 32 weeks, so the entire blogosphere can have a rolling laugh and look at their own jiggly little bellies with utter GLEE.

  • bonzai

    Ah, stairs. I have 16 up to the bedrooms and 13 down to the basement. There were times when I wanted to burn my lovely 75 year old Georgian house to the ground and live in the garage – spiders and all. Especially with #3 who had a birth defect that caused me to gain 20 pounds of amniotic fluid weight between weeks 27 and 33. I looked like I’d swallowed a mutant watermelon.

    You, on the other hand, look beautiful.

    And for whoever mentioned Jack Russell terriers – make that ALL terriers. The damn things are psychotic. Cute as hell – so sweetly deceptive. From now on, it’s standard poodles. No fur to vacuum up and a BRAIN. Hallelujah!

  • Interestingly, the Diet Pepsi’s belly doesn’t hang out as far as the regular Pepsi’s belly does.


  • Mike

    I’m a dad, not a mom, but I love your blog. Very well written, sometimes serious, sometimes funny. Nice work!


  • When pregnant I preferred to walk thirty blocks rather than climb thirty stairs.

  • ablemabel

    You’re 32 weeks along?! You look fantastic!!! Congratulations and best of luck with your pregnancy!

  • Divya

    Thanks for clearing up the “we go upstairs to the kitchen” thing 🙂 I confess I was confused and was always wondering what kind of a weird house you live in, structurally speaking.. 🙂

    Love your blog and I wish I could have seen you when you were visiting San Francisco area for book signing. Hope you give another chance for people like us who couldn’t make it.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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