the smell of my desperation has become a stench

You mean I’m not supposed to be eating raw chicken?

This week I participated in a Momversation about behaviors I’ve allowed in my second pregnancy that I didn’t during my first:

When the producers of the show first told me about this topic, I was all, wait a minute. This has to be a total set up. Do they want me to be honest? Because I still routinely break into the hospital at night just so that I can rub my belly up against the x-ray machine, and I just know that some crazy person is going to try to tell me how that’s bad for the baby.

This topic has the potential to be really divisive because some people are fanatical about their idea of what is appropriate behavior for a pregnant woman, and I am just not one of those people. A few months ago I mentioned here that I’m still working out at the gym three days a week, and more than one person wrote to tell me that I might as well cut open my belly and smother the baby with a pillow, THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE. I’m not really moved by emails like this, only because I learned when I was pregnant with Leta to expect the judgmental glances and ridiculous opinions of total strangers. There’s just something about the presence of a pregnant woman that suddenly makes everyone in the room an expert on the health of unborn children.

This pregnancy has been so much more relaxing for me at least in terms of what I’ve allowed myself to worry about, which is somewhat ironic given that I suffered a miscarriage after giving birth to Leta. I think I’ve realized that most of the mechanics of this process are out of my control, and while I can ensure that I am physically and emotionally as healthy as I can be, a lot of this is left up to the mercy of nature. And I have experienced an almost overwhelming sense of freedom and calm in letting myself go to that notion.

Jon will be the first to tell you that I have never been so relaxed as I have been in the last couple of months. I’m not sure he has ever seen me so calm, and I’m not so sure I can explain it. I feel really lucky to have made it this far in pregnancy with no complications, and I’m even more eager and excited for what’s to come and have been preparing myself to work with whatever scenario plays out. I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, exactly where I want to be, and this sense of peace is nothing like what I felt in the weeks leading up to Leta’s birth. Maybe it’s experience, maybe it’s because this time I’m medicated, but I have such a better sense of who I am going into this. And I’m so grateful to have been given a second chance to feel this way.

How did you guys feel during your subsequent pregnancies?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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