This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

The inevitable post that gets placed squarely in the BOOBS category

So. Breastfeeding. You know what? I think I’m going to begin every post just like that from now on:

So.

Just the “So” part, not the breastfeeding part, although I’m open to doing just that if that’s what you prefer. But something tells me you might be a little bit done with all the female talk, you know, considering that the word VAGINA currently appears on my homepage seven times, oops, now eight, EIGHT TIMES. And I really hate to admit this, but when my dad calls to tell me that he likes the pictures on my website, never the words involved, I know that he has had to get up from his computer after having read what is written here and physically shudder to try and get the gross off. And the image of that is so motivating!

Turns out that breastfeeding is much easier the second time around. And that’s really all I have to say about it, I’m not going to get all graphic about it, just that I’m really enjoying it. Except, there is one kind of annoying aspect about it, the fact that my milk comes in at really random times, just all of a sudden I’m standing there in the kitchen talking to Jon about the schedule of our day and BOOM, both boobs turn on and suddenly I’ve got two giant, round stains on my shirt. And he’s all, you know, that would be so sexy if it didn’t remind me of a cow.

MOOOOOOOO!

It always comes in when I hear a crying baby, of course, and one night last week everything sort of fell into place where I could put Leta to bed. Most nights her bedtime coincides with one of Marlo’s meals, and Jon is left to handle Leta’s bedtime routine. So I’m all excited because she’s going to read me a book about a dragon! A DRAGON, Y’ALL. And there’s not even a mention of a princess anywhere in it! I was like, who are you and what have you done with my daughter?! Also, you might want to tell whoever took her that she’s a picky eater and don’t even THINK about letting her chicken nugget touch her French fry or that’ll be the worst hour of your life.

So I wrangle Leta into the bathroom to brush her hair and teeth when all of a sudden I hear a crying baby and HELLO GUSHING BREASTS. And it can’t be Marlo because she’s asleep, but I run to our bedroom anyway to see what’s going on and Jon’s sitting there on the bed going, what? What’s wrong? And I’m all DID YOU NOT JUST HEAR THAT? And he’s all, oh you mean the half cylon, half human baby that’s crying on this awesome episode of “Battlestar Galactica”? Dude, you’re not even gonna believe this but turns out STARBUCK IS A CYLON, DUUUUUDE! And I have a hard time not yanking off my wet shirt and throwing it at his head.

And then the other day I got to go do my favorite thing ever: ride in the car all by myself. I know, I know, SOMEONE STOP ME, but there’s something about the first six months of a baby’s life when you’re sort of physically stuck to them for, oh, twenty-four hours a day, and the freedom of being by myself in the car, of rolling down the windows, pulling back the sunroof and blasting Beyoncé so loud that the concrete in the driveway starts to crack, IT’S JUST SO THRILLING. And the rush is so strong that I want to call everyone I know and go, do you know what I get to do? DO YOU?! I GET TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE! GO AHEAD. ENVY ME.

So I get there, and I’m walking through the aisles, except it’s not so much of a walk as it is a very fancy dance BECAUSE I AM BY MYSELF, and I’m tossing the orange juice into the cart, grabbing the SpongeBob-themed fruit snacks, and feeling like I might just grow wings and fly through the air. And then I think I might be forgetting something, do we need apples? Maybe some peanut butter? I can’t remember, so I pull out my phone to text Jon to ask him, and guys. I wish I could tell you that this story has a happy ending, but sadly, that is an impossibility. Because you want to know what happened? I mean, I’m shaking my head right now as I write this because I should have known better. Because this is what my phone looks like when I turn it on:

Fortunately for all the patrons browsing the produce section I had remembered to insert absorbent breast pads in my bra, because I could have spray painted the walls a slightly yellowish shade of white with the fire hose of liquid that dropped into my boobs so forcibly that I almost fell face-first on the floor.

MOOOOOOOO!

  • When my son was about two months old, we took a drive from our home in the Boston area to my in-laws’ in the Philly area. My wife was driving when we got stuck in traffic and our son started wailing. I climbed into the back to try to console him, but to no avail; he was clearly hungry. The screaming and crying continued.

    And then my wife said something I don’t believe I’ll ever forget:

    “My breasts are exploding!”

    My, but we did laugh.

    Point being: Yeah, I get it about the gushing-breasts thing.

  • I HATED those pads, but man – are they a lifesaver. I was so damn happy when I was finally able to throw my extras away.

  • I had one of those “Oh my GAWWWWD I am at the grocery store by my self and I have no freakin clue what to do” moments this week… and the car ride alone to the grocery… dont even get me started on that!
    Good to hear that BF’ing gets easier with #2. I tried my hardest to BF with Mia but she was intolorant to breast milk. She was intolorant to everything now that I think about it!
    My wish is to BF baby #2 and paint the walls while I am at it! I can multi task!

  • I love it. Maybe Leta needs to be on the homescreen for just a little bit longer…

  • Oh I’m so glad you’re loving it — your last posts have been so funny, and so full of crazy, gleeful joy. You are a delight to read — thank you.

  • Cindy

    Oh good. I was going to say, you have heard of nursing pads right?

  • LOL. You make me laugh.

  • It seems everywhere I go it is a discussion of BOOBS today! From your post to our friend with a newborn texting me at 3AM with “MY BOOBS HURT SO BAD!”. Good times. 🙂

    Your father is also so hilarious. Reminds me so much of my mother and how she handles me and my siblings. 🙂

    Thanks for making my morning filled with laughter (and weird looks from my boyfriend).

  • ahhhh….the memories.

  • Meghan

    As someone who is weeks from beginning breastfeeding, thank you for the warning.

  • This is HYSTERICAL, Heather. I completely relate to the whole “riding in the car by yourself and grocery shopping” part. I am a nursing Mom and I remember SKIPPING out the front door the first time I went grocery shopping after having my 2nd baby. I had my Ipod and was so excited for 2 hours of peace and quiet 🙂

  • Pam

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one who relishes alone time in a car! I love it so much, I feel a bit guilty. 🙂

  • Bria

    Yeah…I was going to mention pads too. I’m also breastfeeding but I haven’t had any embarrassing moments. I’m sure my day will come.

  • Angrysugarmama

    I. LOVE. You.

    Thanks for the laughs.

  • I’m totally devastated by this post. Not about all the boob talk or the eighth “VAGINA”; I’m totally fine with that.

    I’m devastated because my husband recently got me hooked on Battlestar Galactica (http://su.pr/6Y581M) and I haven’t watched that episode yet.

    Starbuck is a Cylon? Frak!

  • At least your let down is symmetrical. My dominant boob is all, “no no, I got this one, sister boob. You just relax.”

  • Leatitia

    I never had a baby and my virgin boobs reacted to that picture.

  • HAHA! Oh man, you are a hilarious lady. Glad I have that to look forward to when I birth.

  • I remember those days! Except I have nice, perky, size 36-Ds, and guess what? I got the horrible SENSATION, but very little milk! I guess mine are just for show.

    It really upset me those first few months that I couldn’t provide enough milk. And the pain? Just intense…but the milk, not there. Still wore the pads, tho – b/c even a tiny spot was gross to me.

    At least you didn’t have to do what Nancy Botwin did on this week’s episode of Weeds. OMG…that would have been one heck of a blog post!

  • yeah, but can you use it for coffee creamer?

  • “A DRAGON, Y’ALL.”

    Yet another reason to love your site. As an Atlanta native, I can be easily won over by an appropriately funny y’all, though.

  • dooce

    #16 Mumologic, your dominant boob made me laugh out loud.

  • And now there is a great big puddle of Sarah on the living room floor, because that photo of Marlo actually made me melt. My heart went all gooey, and then I melted.

  • i love it. okay, so no exploding breasts here (our kids are all foster/adopt). but i have thrilled at the pleasures of a grocery escape. lately, i’ve actually woken up extremely early to sneak out of the house to buy groceries: quiet, stealthy, giddy, and alone.

  • karen

    so.

    hahahahaha that was a good laugh, thanks. moooooooo

  • I’m surprised I didn’t fill up just reading this post.

    During vacation last week I (out of sheer & utter desperation to get my kid to SLEEP) I breastfed more often that I had been in our normal routine. Now that I’m back home & back at work, I find myself with the undesirable feeling of “fullness” when I pick my daughter up in the evenings. Commence to re-training daughter & boobs….

  • Sherry

    me too me too me too. only i blast justin timberlake.

  • I like the “So.” As if we’re in mid-conversation. Which, if you think about it, we really are.

    The physics (or maybe physiology) of breastfeeding continue(s) to astonish me. Here at the age of 26, a female who as yet to bear a child, I simply cannot conceive of my boobs actually sustaining life. Unbelievable.

  • Oh my gosh, I think I just experienced a little letdown due to the cuteness of that picture!!! Which is quite the feat since I ceased milking a month ago. ;o) Marlo is so precious looking.

    As always you’re freaking hilarious!

  • Sunny

    I’m a freak of nature and never leaked a drop for an entire year of breastfeeding. I had nearly purchased my weight in in Lanisoh and Medela pads to find out I never needed them (and lost the receipt).

  • Ray

    WOW, can’t believe I’ll be # 20 on the comments instead of in the hundred’s commenting. Anyhow (more like twenty-something now): that is just too funny! I never knew that breast milk came in like that, with just the image of seeing Marlo on your phone. Wow. GOOD THING you had those breast pads! ;o)

  • Ingrid

    Your milk let down for a cylon baby. That’s awesome.

  • Denise

    Didn’t it also feel weird to get in a car WITHOUT THAT BIG BELLY in front of you? I remember that moment very vividly. And I too was beyond excited to be “going somewhere” all by myself. Unfortunately, my first trip was to the DMV. Probably my best DMV memory E.V.E.R.

  • hilarious!

    that totally happened to me as well. except it was my ipod pictures. and i HAD forgotten my bra inserts. and i was in sportsmans warehouse. in front of 20 men.

    awesome.

  • Jessica

    Lol! My first week back to work after my daughter was born, I was at a presentation learning about those mechanical babies teenagers carry around that are supposed to teach them the challenges of teen parenthood.

    The demonstrator was showing us how the babies cry, and when I heard that horrible recorded screech I experienced that all too familiar tingling in my boobs. My milk let down for a plastic mechanical infant.

  • Linda

    Very funny, Heather! Been there–done that–threw away the stained t-shirt! For some reason, it always seemed to occur at Target! Funny.

  • Marissa

    So. That was awesome. I really hope it is easier the second time. 3 more weeks and I’ll be wetting t-shirts all over town!! I swear my uterus contracts when I look at pictures of Marlo.

  • Vanessa

    You need to invest in Lilypads, you’ll thank me I promise. Motherhood maternity usually has them but most breastfeeding stores will know exactly what you’re asking for

  • Becky

    As I read the words “HELLO GUSHING BREASTS” I felt that old familiar tingle….

    And I haven’t lactated in 4 years. It never goes away.

  • Oh good. I’m not the only one that had to triple layer nursing pads. I even had to use extra-absorbent maxi pads once. Lovely.

  • I can’t believe I found out Starbuck is a cylon from a blog post on breastfeeding.

  • Cassie

    Isn’t it the saddest thing when you finally get to grocery shop alone, but you rush through because it’s what you’re used to? However, I got to drive 80 miles ALONE with the windows down and the music blasting. What did I choose? Black Eyed Peas. Because I could.

  • You don’t want to know this, but if you’ve got a good letdown, it will be MONTHS after you wean before your boobs stop doing that. Well, at least if you’re me that will happen. Can’t say I didn’t mind having the DD’s stick around a bit longer though. No, just half filled water balloons.

  • hanni

    So.
    The freakiest thing is that although my boobs are all dried up (being really old), they are still reacting if I see anything (really, anything) suckling.
    Beat that.

    hanni

  • Alyxherself

    Riding in the car! riding in the car! la-ti-da-da yay!

    I’ts funking thrilling, I’m withcha. Next time try that boom boom pow by the black eyed peas. jammin, yo.

  • haha!! I know how you feel about shopping alone. I secretly LOVE the Dentist & actually nap while I’m there. It’s like a spa day for a mother of three…

  • I used to keep a scarf in my purse for these kind of explosions. They came in handy when I would blow through the pads.

  • Anonymous

    Wow, did you plan this to coincide with this “controversial”, gluttonous, nursing baby doll today?

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,537261,00.html?test=latestnews

  • Anne

    My daughter is 10 months old tomorrow and I think I’ve been in the car twice without her. And I checked the seat about 12 times before going into the store to make sure she *really* wasn’t in there.

  • Claud

    I wish my dominant boob was content to just respond to sights and sounds of babies. I finally got the chance to take advantage of a gift card for a massage recently. Hmmmm. What they say about relaxtion is true. Halfway through I had the most intensley painful let-down I’ve had since my kid was born. Thank god I was already lying face-down on a super-absorbent towel.

    Heather, thanks for making my friday that much better. And Mumologic, in my household we refer to my dominant boob as “the workhorse” and my other one as the “dressage competitor” because I believe it’s merely there for show.

    Oh, and how fitting. My Captche says “Vesuvius”