This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

The House of Adorable

So my assistant Katey, the one who had her baby six weeks before I had Marlo, comes into work last week and goes, dude, you are not even going to believe this. And I was all, JOHNNY DEPP TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES AND COOKED STROGANOFF IN YOUR KITCHEN? And she goes, no, something even more shocking, and I couldn’t wrap my brain around what she was even getting at, maybe the Republicans and Democrats had all finally gotten their heads out of their asses and figured out how to get sick people the health care they need? Was that it? No? DAMMIT, KATEY, WHAT IS IT? I hired you to be precise!

Slaves these days!

So she sets her four-month-old daughter Lily down on her back on the living room rug, and goes, watch this… And at first I covered my head with my arms because ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! Infants are totally terrifying! Have you ever lived with one? OH MY GOD! At any given moment they can turn into really angry and combative drunk hobos who shoot vomit several feet into the air. Sometimes they start to gag on their tongue or on their spit or sometimes even ON AIR, and then they stop breathing for like four seconds and everyone in the room starts screaming and flailing their arms because THERE IS NO OTHER APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.

Oh, and you want to know the worst things they do, those evil babies? They catnap. Like cats. Or maybe not like cats, I wouldn’t know, I’m allergic to them and have never lived with one, except for that one time I spent a summer in an apartment with four Korean women who would not ever stop trying to convince me that kimchi is in any way edible, and when I went out of town one weekend they locked a cat in my room and it pooped on every surface including my pillow, you know what that is, right? The place upon which I rest my delicate head to sleep, oh I am still angry about that one and often bring it up in therapy. Do cats take short naps? I DO NOT KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION, but I do know how to answer the phone in Korean.

Also, once when I was living in LA, I used to get my nails done every couple of weeks at this tiny place run entirely by Koreans, and YOU KNOW they are totally ripping you apart and criticizing your choice in footwear and going NOT THIS BITCH AGAIN, but you have no idea what they’re saying because it’s all in Korean. And THEY KNOW they have the upper hand. So I’m sitting there and all the manicurists are firing off paragraphs to each other in Korean about the alarming shape of my chin, probably, and I sort of quietly look up and whisper, “Hello?” in Korean. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE PANIC IN THAT ROOM. Dude, they all stopped and froze in place, and they all slowly looked around at each other like INTRUDER! INTRUDER! And my manicurist goes, you speak Korean? And I say, well, a little bit, yes! Yes I do! And I’m not even kidding, no one in that room said a word for ten straight minutes. OH MY GOD, THE POWER!

Suddenly, I forgive that cat.

Worst advice you can give to someone with a newborn? Sleep when the baby sleeps. That is total and utter crap. Because one nap can be three hours and then the next nap is like fifteen seconds, and when that latter naps happens and you’ve just put your head down to go to sleep, oh Lord, the agony. And the pain. And the ANGER. And of course it’s never healthy to be angry at a newborn, bad things can happen, like suddenly you start drinking tequila at 10 AM and are calling your husband at work JUST SO THAT YOU CAN HANG UP ON HIM.

Ahem.

So Lily is lying there looking all innocent and cute and chubby, OH THE ROLLS ON THAT KID’S THIGHS. It takes an act of congress to clean the folds in and around that child’s bottom, I’ll just go ahead and say it, but the flip side to that is CHUBBY BABY! Nothing in this world better than a chubby baby, no there isn’t, except maybe affordable healthcare, BUT HEY, THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE.

And all of a sudden that kid flips over onto her stomach. We’re talking FLIP. Like, with lightening speed. WHOOSH! And Katey picks her up, puts her on her back again, and as if it were an audition for Cirque du Soleil that kid whips her body over onto her stomach. TA DA! And then? AND THEN? You guys, her four-month-old is already starting to pull her knees up under her AS IF TO PROPEL HERSELF FORWARD. It was the scariest thing I think I’ve ever seen in my life!

So we’re both standing there, Katey and I, and she looks at me, and I’m biting my lip. And then she knowingly nods her head, and I’m all, yup! YOU ARE TOTALLY SCREWED.

  • Does anyone else want to put some BBQ sauce on those little hamhocks? I LOVE CHUBBY BABIES!

  • Unfollow

    I demand a better shot of the fat rolls. Demand.

  • Amanda

    She is ADORABLE. No question about it.

    Also, good Momversation, I like the topic, good stories, BUT. The Target ads make me weepy. I am an American who moved to Canada three years ago, and WE HAVE NO TARGET HERE. And there is really nothing comparable. When people ask me what I miss the most about living in the United States, I say TARGET. Oh, Bullseye, how I miss you.

  • bearing

    I have to ask, with Lily, Marlo, and Leta all around, don’t you find yourself calling one of them “Milly — Lalo — Meeta — uh, YOU.”

    Because we have a Milo and a Silas and a Laily and a Meira around here, not all mine, and I have called a kid Silo or Salmon more times than I can count.

  • Totally with you on the “sleep when the baby sleeps” advice. I wanted to smack every single person who said that to me.

    And I agree that roly poly babies should rule the world. I used to call my youngest Mademoiselle Chubby Thighs. Go Lily go! Show Marlo how it’s done, hee!

  • She’ll be walking at eight months.

    My daughter, I shit you not, said ‘dishwasher’ at seven months. 😉 I say it was her first word, instead of an accident of tongue and noise.

  • Lucky her. My first crawled at an early age, & he is too smart for his own britches.

  • MZ

    omg katey, your daughter’s hair is adorable!

    LOVED the tangents this post took. made me laugh all the way through!

  • christina

    Lily is so stinkin cute! Those eyes,like you said she is screwed, ha. Maybe Lily will be walking by the time she is 8 months old 😉

  • ROFL @ the Korean nail salon! bwhahahaha

    OMG! look at her roll (and rolls) so cute!!!

  • HDC

    First: CHUBBY BABY! EEEEEEEEEE!

    Second: You really ought to read more of Jeremy Clarkson’s columns. You two sometimes are astonishingly similar. Except for he mostly writes about cars and you write about babies and psychotic dogs and corporate asshatery. Except that.

  • I had that baby. It is not as awesome as it sounds when your kid “meets and exceeds milestones at an early age.” Good luck!

    PS I could eat those baby legs, yes I could.

    PPS Go affordable health care! You rock!

  • SCREWED!!!! But she is so darling. My 3 year old wore that same dress to church (yes church) on Sunday!!! Darling!!

  • Linda

    Heather,

    I totally utterly wish I could express myself like you do. I agree regarding the chubby babies, and the one you have rolling around on your floor is no exception…..what a cutie-patootie!

  • Anonymous

    My mom insists that I walked at 8 months(!!)…which is why my dad called me “midget” because I looked so funny being this tiny little walking thing. (yeah, i know, how politically INCORRECT of him sheez!) I think they’re full of shit. Surely I would be a much more accomplished adult if I had learned to walk at a mere 8 months, right?! Sadly an early walker does not a genius make.

    And I’m with #40 (Gillian), how did you keep Lily’s hair a secret?! That’s so freaking cute. I want to see Lily and Lo playing together:)

    Oh, and YAY! for health care. Maybe by slipping that into every single post people will finally get it. Right.

  • I was walking at 5 months and climbing bookcases (and out of cribs) by seven months my mother says. She says I was cute but devilish.
    Totally screwed.

  • What a fast little learner. That’s an adorable dress on her too, THANK GOD IT ISN’T PINK.

  • Are you going to start using your website on tirade’s against healthcare? Because that would be really awesome.

  • Anonymous

    Oh, and to jj right before me….how rude!

  • michele

    as i sit here my 5 week old has just fallen asleep and i am in the very quandary you describe… he just had an hour long nap an HOUR ago, so this one isn’t possibly going to last, is it? so here i sit, assuming he will open his wee eyes at any moment…

    however, last night i was just as certain of his awaking any minute, and he continued to NOT wake for 3 straight hours. as he slept on my lap, therefore rendering it impossible for me to sleep. but i was certain that if i moved him he would immediately wake.

    i was wrong. but sometimes i am right… and this is why babies are evil. (you know, adorably so.)

  • Mikalina

    Can we get a video of the Lily flip?

  • Jamie

    My niece is 8 months old and walking already. My sister called when the baby took her first step and was like “oh my god, my 8 month old is a mutant!”

  • Kit, the #1 commenter is UTTERLY HILARE!!!! I cannot shake the cuties (as opposed to cooties) after seeing that chubby sweet thing!

  • Anonymous

    Ok, so I really need to know what your drug is because that stuff is obviously very powerful. I got a little high just reading that. And I need that kind of energy and hilarity at work sometimes.

  • I <3 this, and your new masthead-btw. And, yes, she is totally effing screwed. Big time.

  • Yup. Once they are mobile, your life is over.

  • Anonymous

    Sorry, but Katy is s.c.r.e.w.e.d already!

    Both mine and my sister’s kids figured out how to ROLL to where they wanted to go, long before they ever managed the Army Man crawl or actual crawling.

    I was sure mine was catnapping on her blanket on the living room floor — all I did was go to the bathroom. When I came back, I nearly wet my pants (difficult on an empty bladder…) when I couldn’t find her.

    A panicked second or two later, I realized she was rolling under the coffee table, headed for the dining room.

    and so the mobility begins.

  • aveleigh

    Yoboseyo?

    I just got home from a year in Korea. My life there was exactly like that nail salon.

  • michelle

    so cute…plus…I LOVE, LOVE Kimchi!!! it is edible with ANYTHING..;-)

  • Rita T.

    She is beyond cuteness! Love Chubby Babies!!!

  • Raye

    OMG, adorable baby mohawk alert! So, so painfully cute! : )

  • Anonymous

    웃음이 당신에 의하여 저에게 한다 그래서 열심히 나는 나의 바지 오줌눈다

    translation: You make me laugh so hard I pee my pants.

  • You no likey the Kimchi? UNFOLLOW!!! Kidding…maybe? *wink*

    That baby looks delicious! Go, baby, go! Roll with yo’ rolls!

    Katey is beyond screwed dude.

  • Elizabooth

    My first crawled at five months. At first I thought it was cute, then I realized it was totally horrible and that I’d never be able to go to the bathroom alone again. My second (a boy, which is just trouble in the first place) repeated this feat, and then, just to show off, started walking at 10 months. I should be proud, but I just feel cheated. There’s nothing worse than mothers who complain that their nine month old isn’t crawling yet. Consider yourself lucky, ladies.

  • michelle

    #76…how can you say such a thing!!!RUDE!! for sure Lily is adorable, but Marlo is a beautiful baby aswell…Every baby has his or her own special features and corks that make them unique and cute…let’s see a picture of you as a baby< ?>…better not!

  • Anonymous

    Whoa, I just Googled your image and Amber Valletta popped up!

  • Oh my god, my four-month-old started flipping over this week and I’m so not ready for him to be mobile. I was perfectly content knowing exactly where he was and where he was going to be if I left the room for a second to go pee.

  • Anya

    Well first of all, Lily is absolutely adorable! And how cool is that she and Marlo can be friends and grow up together and all. But this service thing, does it mean Lily will have to be Marlo’s assistant too? Because that doesn’t seem fair.
    Anyway, I totally get the nail-place comment! I know the ladies are discussing my weird toes in Chinese and I don’t understand. Or that time when I thought I had a nail infection and it didn’t look right but it turned out to be just some discolouration… I know they were talking behind my back! Another reason to start learning Chinese… Nah. Too lazy. Oh and I have a baby, too. Speaking of which – yep. Trying to crawl at a young age – SCREWED! My son started at 9.5 months, and at almost 1 year he’s not walking yet and I’m not encouraging him, because I like my little bit of sanity that I have left. Good luck!

  • Oh, the yumminess of the chubby baby! My kids were always scrawny…

  • So, this is completely unsolicited…but THAT WAS SO MY CHILD. (Katey: start lowering the crib now. Lowest setting possible. That’s all I’m saying.)

    Also, Lily is so incredibly adorable.

  • I called my sister in law to read her your post because she needed a “cheering up”. We were both laughing so hard and both said at the same time “She just pissed off the Koren cats”

  • Abby

    Wow! Does Lily spend a LOT of time on the floor or something?! My daughter just started to crawl and she is turning 10 months this week! Yes, I agree, Katey is TOTALLY screwed. Once they start crawling there is no stopping them. My daughter immediately started pulling herself up on furniture, so now she can get into everything. Poor Katey. Lily is so adorable!

  • Lydia

    Heather, maybe you should cut down on the caffeine just a tad.

  • HMFT

    She is a click beetle. Click beetles are cool.

    And I will now stop drinking in the afternoon. Thank you. Thank you very much.

  • The cuteness is killing me. I love the chubby, smiling, burping baby posts. Maybe it’s because I never had any of my own (and am not likely to at this point) and so I have to get my baby fixes vicariously. Whatever it is … holy cuteness. I love the baby pics. 🙂

  • My Lio rolled when he was 2 months. Completely agonizing for sleeping, as he’d get onto his stomach and couldn’t get back. Instead, he got upset.

    Sorry for the buzz kill but … don’t know if you’ve heard of a sit-com called Seinfeld that was on for, like, a lot of years. And your nail salon scene is from the show. Elaine swears the Koreans are talking about her, George’s dad–who served in the Korean War–agrees to go with her to translate and, well, many other things happen. But I don’t think she knew how to say 안녕하세요

  • aawww. do you know what’s even better than lily’s chubby thigh rolls? her chubby arm rolls. she is too much. so adorable.

  • Sylvia

    I love your posts and your writing style, but – there is always a “but” isn’t there? And I know, this is totally your blog, and you can say what you want. BUT, it makes it really hard to totally worship you when you inject silly politics into your blog. I love everything else about you, however!

  • the problem with any progressive health care reform is when it’s referred to as “silly politics.”

  • Sylvia

    devoiceworks: UNFOLLOW!