An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Your momma said you ugly

So I guess it was maybe a year ago when I was sitting in Heather Champ’s living room in San Francisco, holding her Chihuahua Chieka, and talking about how people sometimes send me hate mail because they look at a picture of Chuck and think his nails are too long. She was all, SHUT UP YOU DO NOT. And I was all YOU SHUT UP. And she was all WHY DID I EVEN LET YOU INTO MY HOUSE, BITCH? And next thing you know we’re mud-wrestling in the nude, pulling each other’s hair, and fulfilling the fantasies of IT departments nationwide.

Once things settled down I explained in detail that The Dog Nail People, in fact, are not happy with me, along with an enormous list of other very pissed off groups that include Those Who Believe Australian Shepherds Should Live On Farms Not In Suburban Homes Why Didn’t You Do Your Research, The Did You Seriously Just Link To A Twenty-Four Dollar Tube of Mascara Don’t You Know That Some of Us Can’t Even Afford A Saltine Cracker People, and my Granny.

And she goes, you know what you should do? You should monetize the shit out of it. Collect all the crap that people say about you, put it on a single page, and then litter the entire thing with ads. And I was all, I don’t know as Jon immediately turned to Heather’s husband Derek and asked, “May I borrow your laptop, I’ve got a bit of coding to do.”

We’ve actually toyed with the idea here and there because one does not have to leave one’s name when commenting on this website, and oh, what that freedom has given to certain insecurities that have not healed in a small segment of my readership. Sometimes I leave hateful comments up just because they are so outrageously fun to read. Sometimes I delete them because in trying to insult me they are also insulting other innocent people, and I don’t enjoy being a platform for that. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered to deal with it.

And then sometimes, like last week, when the left side of my abdomen starting aching only to manifest itself in a raging case of shingles — SHINGLES! OH MY GOD! SHINGLES! I am not even kidding, the doctor walked in, took one look at the rash on my stomach, and was all DUDE! YOU’VE GOT SHINGLES! And I was all EXCUSE ME? And he was all I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN MAKE UP THIS SHIT, WOMAN.

And when he leaves the room to go look up some information on whether or not the medication for SHINGLES! is safe to take while breastfeeding (sorry, I can’t even think the word SHINGLES! without it being in caps followed by an exclamation point, and for the last two days it’s been a Tourettes fest in here where suddenly I just stand up and shout SHINGLES! for no reason other than SERIOUSLY? I mean, I get it Universe! Leta is a picky eater because both Jon and I were picky eaters and put our parents through hell, I GET IT, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BEAT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH THAT LESSON ANY LONGER, but SHINGLES?! At least give me some waffle fries! FOR FREE!) I text both Jon and Katey at home: DUDE. I HAVE SHINGLES!

And Jon texts back: NO YOU DO NOT. And Katey is all: SHUT UP. And I was all, you know what? I’d mud-wrestle you to the ground BUT I’VE GOT SHINGLES!

So I’m in a bit of pain, and here’s the thing. Do you want to know the thing? Because the thing is, THE THING IS, if I’m not careful and Marlo touches my rash I COULD GIVE HER CHICKEN POX. That one disease with the bumps and the pain and the fever and the DANGER. So that’s basically all I’m doing during the day, making sure my three-month-old precious, delicate baby doesn’t touch my SHINGLES! Except, this case of SHINGLES! is conveniently located right in the middle of my stomach, right where her body rests when I’m breastfeeding her six times a day. WHERE ARE MY WAFFLE FRIES? I WANT MY WAFFLE FRIES.

FOR FREE!

Anyway, while all this is going on people are sending me messages going, dude, do you see what is being said about you over here and over here? Oh, and right there in your comments section? And I’m all, no, but I can guess. Is it something about the way I look? My chin perhaps? The mole in the middle of my forehead? Is it about what I’m wearing, how unflattering it is? Or how I’m an awful mother? Or how I’m exploiting my children for money? Or how I love Marlo more than I love Leta? Or how my husband must be gay? Because it’s all been said. Every awful thing you can say about a human being, it’s been said about me and my family. Over and over again, like a broken record, and I guess with the intention that it will at some point hurt me so badly that I will throw my hands in the air and give up.

And I’m sitting there feeding Marlo, my abdomen wrapped in a bandage SO THAT I DON’T GIVE HER CHICKEN POX, and I’m reading an anonymous comment calling me an asshead, and suddenly I remember that conversation I had with Heather. And I’m like, you know what? I’m going to let that anonymous comment help pay for the therapy that Leta is so desperately going to need once she finds out what awful things I’ve said about her on my website.

Internet, let me introduce you to Monetizing The Hate.

Here I will be posting all the hate mail I get in my inbox and all the hateful anonymous and not-so-anonymous comments left on this website. And let me tell you, it is a hoot! And the money? OH THE MONEY! I am going to roll around naked in all that money! Because that’s what assheads do!

Also, for your convenience, I’ve added a link to this project at the top of the page in the navigation bar, so you can stop by at any time and see the artful way that insecurity unfolds via the anonymity of the Internet.

PS. SHINGLES!

  • Selena

    So sorry about the SHINGLES! My husband got it (them?) right after our daughter was born and wasn’t allowed near us for a while. It sucked.

    Oh, and, go and buy lots of $24 mascara with all that monetized hate! 🙂

    PS my captcha word is “payment”!

  • That’s a great idea! Maybe I should try doing it…

    Amber
    http://www.wildtochild.com

  • abby

    oh I’ve got one for you:
    My Grandpa died because of Shingles. It’s not funny.

    But seriously, he really did die. It’s great that you caught it so quickly. If left to fester, it can be a nightmare. Get well soon!

  • Kelly

    OUTSTANDING!!! I love it! Just one more reason that I continue to read your site and talk about it with, um, anyone who will listen to me! Congrats on a super creative way to deal with the haters!

  • Anonymous

    I hope you make a bazillion dollars off of the haters! Good for you. Especially the ones with typos. God love ’em.

  • Anonymous

    I hope you make a bazillion dollars off of the haters! Good for you. Especially the ones with typos. God love ’em.

  • Kara

    Brilliant! And I’m so totally going to click on the Monetize the Hate page like every day (well, i may forget. but i’ll do it most days) so your advertisers will see all these clicks on their page and imagine the people who are clicking are running right out there and buying their products. and then you will be RICH! And you can sit on your jewel-encrusted throne and look down at the haters (look down past your SHINGLES! belly), and say “neener neener neener – i win and you suck!”. And then Jon can go buy diamond dust clogs. Or real shoes (sorry Jon, but c’mon with the clogs).
    luv,
    not-anonymous Kara in Portland

  • Vi

    I just took a look at the insult comments and WOW, some people are PSYCHO.

    I’ve been quietly reading your blog for the last few months and never really felt compelled to comment until now.

  • LOVE

  • Awesome. Just awesome. I hope you make a million freakin’ dollars!

  • Sarah

    With all the sincerity in my heart: I hope you make enough money to buy those diamond-encrusted panties you’ve always wanted.

    p.s. Turning Hate to Cold Hard Ca$h! Cash 4 Gold can suck it! (I just wanted to type Ca$h. it’s so delightfully tacky!

  • IAmPinkDog

    Heather, I heart you. And I heart Chuck. And his long toenails. You are an internet ninja. Brilliant.

  • darcie

    CHA-CHING, dude.
    I feel like it’s christmas.
    please post photos of you rolling nekkid in said money? 😉

  • This is AMAZING. I hope you make forty bajillion dollars on my hits alone!

  • Meggie

    Dooce and co. –

    Why not also put up a page with no ads whatsoever with all the emails you receive of people explaining how you’ve touched their lives?

    As funny as I think the idea of the money making hate mail machine is, I feel like that would be an incredible way of not only fighting the hate chorus down, but of sharing your huge impact on numerous people and their hearts and lives.

  • your sense of humour is always such an inspiration to me…fellow depression sufferer. i also have the life motto that if the world hands you shit, make shit-ade…wait, i don’t think that’s right. i LOVE the new hate site. p.s. st john’s wort oil rubbed several times daily on the SHINGLES! might help dull the pain.

  • Anonymous

    Awesome, but wow people suck. Who has room in their life to be upset about a blog and who takes themselves that seriously?

  • Douche-Free Anonymous Guy

    Jolly jumping willickers, Batman! You sure do receive an awfully large amount of unnecessarily cruel hatemail.

    Seeing all of it makes you pause and wonder about humanity sometimes. Why some people get such satisfaction from tearing others down. Is it jealousy based in some misperception that those who write comments should be making a living on a blog instead of you because they feel they are more qualified? Does the anonymity empower people to act out aggressively because it is without consequence? I don’t get it. It’s sad. Makes me wonder if I really want my own blog to ever be successful or get attention.

    On the other hand, I must sincerely commend you for the way you are dealing with it. It’s like when some impatient a-hole on the highway (who is in the wrong) gets all worked up and flips the bird, I found it is far more satisfying to wave back instead of get angry and flip him off. If it doesn’t confuse, it just gets him all the more pissed off.

    Kudos and keep up the great work. For every douche bag out there, there are multitudes more who love you and what you do.

  • kentuckienne

    Monetizing the hate is pure, pure genius. And reading through a few of them; my, people sure are crazy, and you must be incredibly resilient. I would be sobbing into my vodka if I received these every day —

  • DRL

    So excited about the new site! You are a million kinds of awesome, it is thrilling y’all will be profiting from the idiots who write foolishness to you. I heard on twitter about your SHINGLES and I feel terribly sorry for you. I have had chicken pox twice (lucky me) once at six and the second time at 25. (God, I hope I never get the SHINGLES…) Hope you recover as quickly as possible.

  • darcie

    CHA-CHING, dude.
    I feel like it’s christmas.
    please post photos of you rolling nekkid in said money? 😉

  • BTW – Elvis use to sell “I hate Elvis” buttons. He was making money off his haters too. Teehee

    Have you seen this?

    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4b0a16ff71/casey-wilson-reads-internet-comments?rel=prog_related&rel_pos=3

    kind of fitting…

  • Jess F.

    I love it! Just don’t get your shingles on the money while you are rolling around naked in it 🙂

  • Who says “asshead”? I mean really? What kind of insult is that?

    Although, that may be an awesome argument winning insult..You know the saying “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, stun them with stupidity”…wait that may not be right.. 🙂

    I will make sure to click on ALL the ads so both kids can get their therapy!

    Great idea other Heather!

  • Anonymous

    I think each individual that is featured on this new page should get some sort of notification congratulating them on being featured on the page “powered by douche bags”

  • KSM

    I think that it is hilarious that people come to your site, read your blog, and then post that they hate it, or you, or your family. I mean, if they don’t like you.. why do they come here and read your site?? Either way, I LOVE your site, and think that this idea is brilliant!! Also, thank you for your wonderful website! You have a great family!

  • You should have a “Daily Hate” tab in the top right corner or your website.

    I’m so-o looking forward to my first piece of hatemail. Please send me some hatemail dooce!

  • Holy wow, those comments. My head cocks further and further to the side as I read each one, and now I think I’ve snapped something in my neck.

    So now I have no choice but to go write you a nasty email about the debilitating neck pain that you’ve inflicted upon me, and also, for no reason, 39.2 reasons why I hate the color of the walls in your hall, even though I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen the hallway before. But I just KNOW it’s awful.

  • Louise

    Totally brilliant, well done! And so sorry to hear about the SHINGLES.

  • Amber N.

    I am so sorry that people say these things to you. I cannot even comprehend how ridiculous they sound. I love, love that you made a website out of it. You are awesome and it totally brightens my day to see the Dooce feeds show up on my RSS reader. Thanks for doing what you do!

  • Brilliant. I love this so much it makes me hate you. HATE. HATE.

    (feel free to monetize that).

  • GG

    Shingles! Ouch! Poor you. Take care.
    This is my first comment on dooce ever –
    All those haters who thought you were overdramatizing the fact that Leta had a hard time walking need to get a life.
    My baby has been diagnosed with hypotonia, gets regular physical therapy and is scheduled for an MRI soon.
    At least I found browsing the archives for Leta immensely informative. Kudos to you and Jon for persevering!

  • In the words of Daffy Duck…GENIUS. SHEER GENIUS.

  • Brilliant. I love this so much it makes me hate you. HATE. HATE.

    (feel free to monetize that).

  • oh god. SHINGLES! the horror. the horror. that was the eleventh plague after killing of the first born. ask the egyptians.

  • Jenny

    You are great Heather. Sorry you are sick. I hope you keep fighting the haters and writing this blog. I look forward to reading it each day.

  • Sandra

    HAHAHAHA, you totally made my day! I hope you make truckloads of cash, exposing this crap-mail. I still laugh at the “two words: lame”.

    Humor is the way to fight evil.

    🙂 Sandra

  • Kyre

    The only thing that could make ‘monetizing the hate’ better: blinking rainbow spinning gifs.

    Ah, well. Nothing is perfect.

    Feel better soon!

    (Ha! My ‘prove you’re human’ words to submit this comment? Round Lactose! Sweet!)

  • Michele White

    All I have to say is that the mascara you linked is the best mascara EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So piss on all those people who berated you for linking it. I LOVE IT!

  • OMG some people are effed up and bitter. Thank you for sharing their gold in a constructive and genius forum.

    PS You have also confirmed my fears from nearly 2 years ago when my father-in-law who was shingle-fied insisted that his skin condition was no threat to my 3 week old baby!

  • Less Awe, More Pity deserves it’s own masthead.

  • You are a genius. I’m sorry you won’t make any money off that. I can’t help it. I just love you too much to hate you. Even for enough money to roll around in naked.

  • I will help monetize the hate!!! I think it’s wonderful and smart. I am 4 pages in, and these comments are delicious! Also I have been clicking on all the ads. Gotta get those click throughs.

  • Rachelle

    DUDE! SHINGLES SUCK!!! My dad, my father-in-law and my brother’s mother-in-law all had SHINGLES this summer! They were miserable for a month (at least). And my 3 year old niece did get chicken pox from her grandma. SUCKS!!! Hang in there! If you did have chicken pox as a kid, the antibodies are still in you and thus getting to Marlo… lessening her chance of getting them or the severity.

  • Cassandra

    Heather, I often wondered how you could keep writing and putting yourself out there after what people say about you and your wonderful family! I think it’s time for a little pay back and it is, as always, a bitch. Asshead!!!

  • This fabulous idea is why you are number 26! Number 26!!

  • Jessica

    Oh please please PLEASE allow comments on Monetizing The Hate! That page is the most brilliant idea ever. And the ads? Pure perfection.

  • I think the most amusing negative comments are the ones telling you that you’re worthless, and therefore, you should quit blogging. As if you’re going to read that and be like OMFG, YOU’RE RIGHT, WHY AM I DOING THIS??!?!? and shut it all down thanks to their revelatory comment.

    But what’s hilarious is that all these people talking shit about who reads your blog are READING YOUR BLOG. And invested enough to go out of their way to comment or email. I’m not sure that’s proving their point when they threaten to quit – it’s only emphasizing your ability to draw people in emotionally. If they really wanted to make a point, they’d just quietly quit reading!

  • Funny stuff! I think the more you can laugh at people like this, and they are legion, the healthier you are. Lovin’ your sense of humor.

  • Charles G.

    Your “Monetizing The Hate” campaign would be that much better with a little one-liner editorial commentary to go along with each entry. Otherwise, very entertaining =)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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