This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Your momma said you ugly

So I guess it was maybe a year ago when I was sitting in Heather Champ’s living room in San Francisco, holding her Chihuahua Chieka, and talking about how people sometimes send me hate mail because they look at a picture of Chuck and think his nails are too long. She was all, SHUT UP YOU DO NOT. And I was all YOU SHUT UP. And she was all WHY DID I EVEN LET YOU INTO MY HOUSE, BITCH? And next thing you know we’re mud-wrestling in the nude, pulling each other’s hair, and fulfilling the fantasies of IT departments nationwide.

Once things settled down I explained in detail that The Dog Nail People, in fact, are not happy with me, along with an enormous list of other very pissed off groups that include Those Who Believe Australian Shepherds Should Live On Farms Not In Suburban Homes Why Didn’t You Do Your Research, The Did You Seriously Just Link To A Twenty-Four Dollar Tube of Mascara Don’t You Know That Some of Us Can’t Even Afford A Saltine Cracker People, and my Granny.

And she goes, you know what you should do? You should monetize the shit out of it. Collect all the crap that people say about you, put it on a single page, and then litter the entire thing with ads. And I was all, I don’t know as Jon immediately turned to Heather’s husband Derek and asked, “May I borrow your laptop, I’ve got a bit of coding to do.”

We’ve actually toyed with the idea here and there because one does not have to leave one’s name when commenting on this website, and oh, what that freedom has given to certain insecurities that have not healed in a small segment of my readership. Sometimes I leave hateful comments up just because they are so outrageously fun to read. Sometimes I delete them because in trying to insult me they are also insulting other innocent people, and I don’t enjoy being a platform for that. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered to deal with it.

And then sometimes, like last week, when the left side of my abdomen starting aching only to manifest itself in a raging case of shingles — SHINGLES! OH MY GOD! SHINGLES! I am not even kidding, the doctor walked in, took one look at the rash on my stomach, and was all DUDE! YOU’VE GOT SHINGLES! And I was all EXCUSE ME? And he was all I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN MAKE UP THIS SHIT, WOMAN.

And when he leaves the room to go look up some information on whether or not the medication for SHINGLES! is safe to take while breastfeeding (sorry, I can’t even think the word SHINGLES! without it being in caps followed by an exclamation point, and for the last two days it’s been a Tourettes fest in here where suddenly I just stand up and shout SHINGLES! for no reason other than SERIOUSLY? I mean, I get it Universe! Leta is a picky eater because both Jon and I were picky eaters and put our parents through hell, I GET IT, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BEAT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH THAT LESSON ANY LONGER, but SHINGLES?! At least give me some waffle fries! FOR FREE!) I text both Jon and Katey at home: DUDE. I HAVE SHINGLES!

And Jon texts back: NO YOU DO NOT. And Katey is all: SHUT UP. And I was all, you know what? I’d mud-wrestle you to the ground BUT I’VE GOT SHINGLES!

So I’m in a bit of pain, and here’s the thing. Do you want to know the thing? Because the thing is, THE THING IS, if I’m not careful and Marlo touches my rash I COULD GIVE HER CHICKEN POX. That one disease with the bumps and the pain and the fever and the DANGER. So that’s basically all I’m doing during the day, making sure my three-month-old precious, delicate baby doesn’t touch my SHINGLES! Except, this case of SHINGLES! is conveniently located right in the middle of my stomach, right where her body rests when I’m breastfeeding her six times a day. WHERE ARE MY WAFFLE FRIES? I WANT MY WAFFLE FRIES.

FOR FREE!

Anyway, while all this is going on people are sending me messages going, dude, do you see what is being said about you over here and over here? Oh, and right there in your comments section? And I’m all, no, but I can guess. Is it something about the way I look? My chin perhaps? The mole in the middle of my forehead? Is it about what I’m wearing, how unflattering it is? Or how I’m an awful mother? Or how I’m exploiting my children for money? Or how I love Marlo more than I love Leta? Or how my husband must be gay? Because it’s all been said. Every awful thing you can say about a human being, it’s been said about me and my family. Over and over again, like a broken record, and I guess with the intention that it will at some point hurt me so badly that I will throw my hands in the air and give up.

And I’m sitting there feeding Marlo, my abdomen wrapped in a bandage SO THAT I DON’T GIVE HER CHICKEN POX, and I’m reading an anonymous comment calling me an asshead, and suddenly I remember that conversation I had with Heather. And I’m like, you know what? I’m going to let that anonymous comment help pay for the therapy that Leta is so desperately going to need once she finds out what awful things I’ve said about her on my website.

Internet, let me introduce you to Monetizing The Hate.

Here I will be posting all the hate mail I get in my inbox and all the hateful anonymous and not-so-anonymous comments left on this website. And let me tell you, it is a hoot! And the money? OH THE MONEY! I am going to roll around naked in all that money! Because that’s what assheads do!

Also, for your convenience, I’ve added a link to this project at the top of the page in the navigation bar, so you can stop by at any time and see the artful way that insecurity unfolds via the anonymity of the Internet.

PS. SHINGLES!

  • Anonymous

    Woman with shingles tired of explaining what shingles is. – The Onion

  • Anonymous

    Jesus I think Michelle Rebeiro Yoakum Mcbee wants to be you. She’s an addict, she has boycotted and unfollowed you so much, but still finds the need to comment on and read your blog…..not obessessed or jealous at all! I sick of reading her crap please dont post anymore. I’ll write hate mail just to not have to read her idiotic rants from a woman who has a degree in writing and apparently is pissed she cant get anyone to read her blog and make money from the degree she wasted 4 years to get.

    HA!

  • Yan

    i love the monetizing the hate, as a suggestion, maybe you could give a portion of the proceeds that you make off of that site to a charity (taking something negative and doing some good) and that portion should be publicly proclaimed on that site on a monthly basis. it would certainly fuck with the haters when they see how much you are able to make off of their spewing. knowing that you are only declaring on the site the portion you give to charity and not the part that you keep for the kids’ education (or whatever) would be a further knife in the back. obviously i have a diabolical side.

  • Gravis

    Great riposte to the hate mailers to bring attention to their comments and let the readers decide. Based on what you’ve written and the comments you’ve received, I’d definitely say the balance of looney goes down on their side, by far. Also, good job of staying (mostly) above their level.

    This was the first time I’ve been compelled to comment that I’ve actually followed through. Always refreshing and entertaining.

    Thank you.

  • Kelly

    I read all the haters words and wanted to vomit. I do not understand people who enjoy hating. Who enjoy wishing harm on others. Who can’t wait for Leta to grow up and read this blog and become traumatized. YOU people are the fucked up people, not Heather and Jon.

    Do you haters not understand that Heather is letting you into a GLIMPSE of her life. This blog isn’t her Dear Diary. This isn’t a moment by moment account of her life. She writes a little something that happened for a moment on one day of her life and oh, guess what. She uses comic relief alot of the time. And sarcasm.

    You haters are far too stupid to understand sarcasm. You want love and sunshine every moment of her life. That isn’t real. Maybe Susie Sunshine Blogger writes like that. Go read her. If you don’t like the way Dooce writes, DON’T READ HER.

    If you don’t like what’s on channel 2, change the channel. If you hate Scrubs do you continue to watch it week after week?

    What the fuck is wrong with you??? You hate her. We get it. You don’t like her blog. We get it. Yet you come back again and again. You read it just so you can write how much you hate it. You are the ones with the problems. YOU are the ones in desperate need of psychiatric help.

    I’ll say this again, Heather is offering us a glimpse into her life. We have no idea how she spends the 24 hours a day she has with her family. Somehow you have it in your mind that she is ignoring her family. Because she has pictures of her sitting at a computer. Oh no! I’m at a computer right now. You are at a computer when you are spewing your hatred. Who is watching your children when you are doing that???

    I’m not happy about writing this message. I don’t like hate. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t like negativity. But what you people are doing is so over the top, I felt like I had to say something. I’m not naive enough to think this with make on iota of a difference to you. You are haters and you get off on the hating. You will continue, it makes you happy. Because YOU are the ones that are sick. I hope you get help. I really do.

  • Amy

    This is brilliant. For one thing, it really does put the hateful things people say in perspective for the rest of the blogging world. So way to go on helping others feel better about any nastiness directed at *them*! For another thing, I’m truly fascinated by the fact that those who seem to hate you SO VERY MUCH just keep coming back to comment again, and again, and again, and again…. Amazing.

    And I had SHINGLES last spring! On my face! And my doctor diagnosed it pretty much the same way (walked into the room, took one look at me and said, “Hey, you have shingles!”). My own case was all very uneventful and unpainful actually, since I caught it so early and the antivirals kicked in so fast. But you have my sympathy.

  • lomagirl

    Some of your haters are pretty creative writers- gotta love some of the names ms. thing comes up with for Jon. You’re just encouraging it all now, though, giving a chance for people to get published if they give good hate.
    The funniest bit, of course, is that they swear to quit reading you, but just can’t keep away.
    The shingles sounds hellacious- especially the danger to the little one. Hope you are better soon and she is oblvious to it all.

  • Christy

    That Michelle Yoakum Mcbee keeps saying she’s leaving and never coming back. Over and over again.

  • Missy B

    Love “Monetizing the Hate” – I can’t believe how obsessed some people are with putting you down. WOW!

  • Clovis

    Repeat after me, people.

    It’s Michele Yoakum Rebeiro McBee…….MICHELE YOAKUM REBEIRO MCBEE.

    Husband’s name: “VAGINA” ALAN MCBEE

    Get it straight so it googles right!

  • Stacey

    Who are these Renegade Moms? It sounds like they think they are players in the mommy blogging business–so much so that Dooce is evidently going behind their backs to have them blackballed or maybe killed off. I don’t think they would put it past her. From their hatemail I thought there was some vast anti-dooce backlash. I had to investigate. I went to their Facebook page. They have 76 fans.

  • Bailey

    I find it fascinating that the haters go on and on about the time Heather spends doing what is actually HER JOB, and apparently don’t realize that they themselves are spending an awful lot of time watching her on tv, reading her site, and writing horrible things about her. Why spend so much time on a person you so obviously hate?

    Oh, and you haters who are so proud of being smart enough to have adblock, Heather IS making money off of you because the people who DO like her go there to laugh at your stupid shit and click on as many ads as possible. 😀

  • Mandy

    I really can’t believe people don’t have anything better to do than to tell you why they’re not going to read you any longer? Really? Guarantee they’ll be back tomorrow!

    They can all suck it.

  • J-dawg

    Seriosly, how many times is Michelle Rebeiro Yoakum Mcbee going to say that she’s stopped going to your site before she goes the hell away? I believe she would be referred to as “a subscriber” eh?… what a dumb ass.

  • kfoland

    wow, that Michelle something something person or whatever her name is is very troubled. I’m glad she’s not stalking me.

  • S

    Ok, I absolutely love Monetizing the Hate. I would think it would cause some of the haters to stop, and yet, I’d be wrong! I’m absolutely dying that these morons don’t get the point to shut up, and that you can cash in on their stupidity.

    Awesome job, Heather & Jon!

    Also, Heather, good luck with the SHINGLES! I’d freak if I had to deal with that and breastfeeding at the same time. It’s hard enough breastfeeding without an added obstacle.

  • Allison

    I’m genuinely torn over this!

    On the one hand, I love that you humiliate haters with their own words and even make money off them. Hoisted on their own petard, as it were.

    On the other hand, well, it just makes me sad, all this negativity. Is it stooping to their level? Is it giving them the attention they crave? I don’t know.

    Anyway, I’ve been fascinated and entertained by this site for years now, and the entertainment just keeps comin’!

  • Kelli

    Heather,
    C’mon, you’re better than this. Don’t give anyone the platform to be critical and hateful. How many fools are going to continue thier visciousness just to get a mention on your site? Stop enabling them, please.

  • Heidi D

    FOLLOW! I love it! All of it, and SHINGLES totally sucks ass. I had SHINGLES on my FACE FOR MY WEDDING. Awesome.

    And i’m totally loving the asshats that KEEP TELLING YOU HOW MUCH YOU SUCK.

    Your one of the best parts of my day. Keep the funny coming!

  • mt

    Wow. Michelle Rebeiro Yoakum Mcbee — just wow. I guess I’ve lived a sheltered life because I had no idea anyone could really be that off-the-wall insane. It actually started making me scared for you — I can totally picture this bitch showing up at your house and doing god knows what. The combination of mean as hell + totally nuts can’t be good.

  • Molly

    “Have a shitty day shit head” (that is my personal fave)

  • Wow, Michelle Rebiero whatever sure has it out for you! If she is sick of you and doesn’t follow your blog anymore why does she get so upset and feel she has to make these huge comments? Hmm….I’d say maybe a little jealousy, or admiration? And also, I work from home doing daycare and I see nothing wrong with running errands not looking presentable. I don’t see how that makes you any less of a mother I would call it a blessing being able to work from home in your P.J.s and get to be with your kids. Again, JEALOUS!

  • Karen

    Love the HATE page! Great idea. Who the F does that Michelle person think she is?? Interesting to know that she’s 99% of the hater comments… Better watch out though…she seems like the type to come beating down your door (and then blame you for making her do it).

  • Chriss

    Um do you think your haters, you know the people that are SOOOO much smarter then your fans, will realize that even if they have ad block on to keep you from making money when THEY visit the site, you still will? After all your fans and people just curious in general will hit up those sites over and over again. So regardless of what the crazy hateful people do you are STILL making money off their wacko messages/posts/emails.

  • Nadia

    It was shocking and depressing to read all that hate mail – and it’s not even directed at me. I’m sorry you have to put up with that. Those people all need a hug and an enema.

  • Danielle

    I realize this comment is two days late…but when I saw your “Monetizing The Hate” page, and all the ads you put right in the middle of everything (god, i hate when websites do that), i seriously laughed so hard i cried. that’s amazing. you just made my day.

  • This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday –
    http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/09/five-star-fridays-edition-71.html

  • Cathy

    I can’t believe what people will write about you and your family. Monetizing the Hate is a great idea, but too painful for me to read. I hope you make mucho $$$$$$$.

  • Brook

    So so funny. Good idea. I shall click daily.

  • Anonymous

    Just thought I’d add that “Michel(l)e, etc.” is currently #32 on Google Trends. http://www.google.com/trends/hottrends

  • Ashley

    Sweet baby Jesus, that hate mail site is hilarious!! Me thinks Michelle Rebeiro Yoakum Mcbee and Krista French needs lives and QUICKLY!! (that was for you, ladies). For someone that hates you that much and keeps vowing to UNFOLLOW!, they keep reading and bitching. Hey ladies, if you are really that mad, then stop reading (but, on the other hand, your comments are so entertaining…keep it up!!)

    It must be hard not to let it get to you, but at a certain point, the haters have proved they are just a bunch of LOONIES!!

    I for one enjoy the photos, the blog and the laughter I get when I read you at work when I am supposed to be working!!

    Sorry about your SHINGLES!

  • mel

    I like to visit the hate page and click all the ads once a day.

    Given that it’s only been 2-3 days, I am a raging success.

    This is a sweet idea, Heather!

  • Anonymous

    I love your idea! Those people are truly hateful. I went to the monetizing the hate site and repeatedly clicked on your ads. I hope you get paid per click. Also, sorry about the SHINGLES! That sucks!
    PS – I found your site after I had my first daughter on June 28 and saw you on an Oprah show rerun. I’m so glad to have found your blog. It’s been a great treat during my maternity leave this summer!

  • OMG…SHINGLES! Like HERPES! ON YOUR STOMACH!

    I LOVE the new site! Whenever I’m having a moment, when I think I’m losing my mind and going batshit crazy, I’m going to that site. If for no other reason to reassure myself that there is a whole level of crazy I’ll never aspire to. Unless drugged. Or hit over the head with a hatchet. Naw, I’ll just pass out.

    That stuff is RICH, woman! LOVE it!

  • Wow… it truly is fascinating what assheads people really are. Do you people REALLY have that much time in the day to sit on the internets and insult people? Dear God, if i had that much time on MY hands i might try to do something besides hate mongering. Get a life.

    Dooce… you rock. Just sayin…

    Mrs. W

  • katie

    i don’t have time to read the 2333 comments before me (because i have my own baby) so i apologize if thbis is redundant, but maybe some extra long nursing tanks, layered, would cover your shingles so marlo doesn’t get exposed to them. walmart.com sells 2 packs for $20. i lived in them when i nursed, more so the general public couldn’t see my deflated belly. hope you feel better soon.

  • Mairi

    I think you’re funny. I also think anyone who doesn’t like your blog? Should, oh, I don’t know, not read the damn thing? Maybe go outside? Get some fresh air? Move on with their lives?

    I’m tired of reading blog entries from bloggers (whose blogs I’ve loved for years) ranting on and on about how if you don’t like their blog, to just not read it thank-you-very-much. Following up that rant with an entry on how much they hate you and your ass face and whatever it is you’ve posted to upset them… well, gee–Pot? Kettle? Anyone?

    It bothers me so much that I find myself thinking of it often–and having conversations about it with people. I can’t imagine how much it must suck to have that amount of hatred and insecurity pointed directly at your face.

    Ass clowns. Each and every one.

  • Jo

    I love the hater’s name. It is like something from Dr. Seuss:

    Michelle
    Rebeiro
    Yoakum
    Mcbee

    woke up
    one day
    with
    case
    of the
    cra-zies!

  • krysti888

    wow. just. wow.

    Somehow, you continue to blog when I don’t think i can even READ that site ever again. standing by while someone is being bullied just makes me feel awful and i almost teared up for you. (+ it’s too much negative energy).

    i’d rather support your dooce site by buying one of you books.

    p.s.i thought you were exagerating(sp?) about the hate mail. “lemons into lemonade”

  • Anonymous

    Wow, just clicked into ‘Hate’ to see what people write and was/am astonished at how crazy and egotistical some of the commenter’s are in their pseudo-hatred of Dooce and how they direct their vile verbiage at Heather. Get a life people – if you don’t like what she writes and posts, move on. Crazy. . . I sure am glad I am not exposed to that on a regular basis, it would certainly affect my perspective of the ‘average American’. Rock on Heather Armstrong, it is amusing to me how much ire is generated by your simple musing on your blog. I won’t click into ‘Hate’ again, but I hope your site is around for a long, long time so I can navigate in from time to time and catch-up on Chuck and the rest of your kooky gang! Thanks again for the entertainment and often beautiful photographs!

  • MrsChryth

    Love it! Hilarious! genius- way to go!

  • Jen

    I have a chin just like your’s! Suck it mean people, it’s what our mamma’s gave us!

  • Danielle

    FOLLOW!

  • awesome, awesome, awesome!! love the name of the blog and love that you’re doing that. especially love that one of the hate mail talks about how you’re not making money off them because they have your blog on their feeder……which is ridiculous since if they hate your blog, why the fuck are they reading it??

  • Brenda

    Why do people who “hate” your blog, keep coming back to read it then subsequently write something nasty to you about it. Give your head a shake looser people. Didn’t your mother every teach you if you have nothing nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all.

  • Anonymous

    I don’t know if you ever get down to the trailing end of the comments section but………what is up with the haters? IF THEY DON’T LIKE YOU, WHY DO THEY READ YOUR BLOG? Your family is beautiful, Jon is a hottie and you,my girl are the BEST!
    You are honest, endearing and such a cool wise-ass!

    MONETIZE THE HATE! What a concept! President Obama needs to know about this, we could solve the economic crisis by tapping into Rush, Glen and Bill alone! GENIUS!!

    (there, caps, exclamation points, praise and oooooooo political leanings……take that haters)

  • Cyndi

    That hate page is genius! Reading through those emails is kind of disturbing though. It’s scary and eye-opening to see just how many crazy people there are in the world. Does that ever freak you out to realize that there are so many crazies out there keeping tabs on your website?

  • I had shingles when I was in college. The nurse was like, “I’ve worked here 27 years, and you’re only the second case I’ve seen.” Awesome. Sauce. Are you having to take the anti-herp med that’s like four pills at a time six times a day, evenly spaced? Because that’s awesome too.

    Also? Herpes zoster causes not only shingles and c-pox but also mono. My then-boyfriend/now-husband flew 2,000 miles to see me when I had shingles (not BECAUSE of the shingles, though – that would be stupid). Anyway, he came down with mono about 10 days later. Only then did I research and find the zoster link. Bleh.

  • Megan

    haha I love the monetizing the hate. You’d think if people were so upset they would just stop reading your blog… instead the click and click again. Apparently you mesmorize them! haha