Heater, Mother of Lance

The cat troll goat diet

Due to a combination of factors, most of which have to do with horrible life-altering catastrophes, I have somehow reached my pre-pregnancy weight. I don’t recommend this diet. It’s not nearly as bad as the one I was on after Leta was born, the Let’s Think About Committing Suicide Every Hour diet, but it’s pretty bad and requires that you lose a loved one and suddenly wake up one morning with a flesh-eating disease.

Wouldn’t you rather just cut out the carbs?

This diet also requires that you listen to this noise for at least 10 hours a day (Warning: this is 60-second clip of a four-month-old whining. If you are not prone to seizures or violence, you will be after listening to this once.)

I’ve put off organizing my closet until I reached this point, but even now a lot of my clothing still doesn’t fit right. Everything in my midsection has sort of shifted around, and where there was once a curve there is now a 1973 Chevy Van covered in airbrushed flames careening around that curve, and it’s being chased by a swarm of local police who are steering with one hand while clutching a donut in the other.

All of my big jeans fit, sort of. Meaning that in order to walk while wearing them I have to perform a ridiculous acrobatic dance of squats and lunges to stretch them out enough that I can bend my knee. Also, I’m not ever washing them again because then they’d shrink that centimeter or two, and BOOM I’m back to wearing my maternity pants and people at the grocery store are asking me when I’m due. Oh I’m due, alright. FOR SOME WAFFLE FRIES.

Anyway, I was trying to avoid thinking about all the crap raining down around my ears the other day, and I got into the organizing mood. And you seriously do not want to screw with me when I am in that mood, not if you enjoy the arrangement of limbs on your body, no. I remind myself of my mother when I get into that mode. You know that woman, the one who sold more Avon products that anyone else in the world? Yeah, when I was growing up and she was scrubbing the bathtub, my siblings and I would hide in the closet because the violent squiggly lines around my mother’s body were likely to disfigure our faces.

I was a mad woman, throwing out shirts and odd sweat pants that had been accumulating for years, and then I got to my underwear drawer, OH HELL YES I’M GOING THERE. Turns out that the majority of the weight I gained during pregnancy amassed itself in my butt, and for the first time in my life I had one! You can’t tell from any of my pregnancy pictures that my butt doubled in size, but that’s only because it was so small to begin with that even when doubled it was still invisible to the naked eye.

It boggled the minds of scientists!

And holy horse balls, that underwear is huge! Massive! As elephantine as my ego! I took one pair, pulled it over my head, stuck my arms through the leg holes, and suddenly I’m wearing a toga! A toga with tiny puppies and hearts and an elastic pink lining that is long enough to measure the coastline of Africa.

Who wore those things?! I DID. I wore those things! And why didn’t the person sleeping next to those things say something about it? Like GOOD GOD, WOMAN, HAVE YOU NO DIGNITY.

Point is. Pre-pregnancy weight! Sort of. Yay!

  • Linda

    2009/10/15 at 2:47 pm

    Congratulations! I can’t seriously be the first to comment, can I?

  • beth

    2009/10/15 at 2:48 pm

    I find you very entertaining, and am somewhat addicted. Since Marlo was born, you do not satisfy my cravings enough. More Dooce, please! Update more often.

  • Debbie

    2009/10/15 at 2:50 pm

    Ooh, that audio clip is really annoying. I am deterred from having children. For now. Until you post another picture of her, or write a really heartwarming post about her and Leta.

    Also, congratulations on your ass. 🙂

  • Suzanne

    2009/10/15 at 2:51 pm

    I’ve only had one baby and things have already moved in ridiculously strange ways. Why do my hip bones point in separate directions? Not that anyone can SEE my hip bones, mind you, but they totally do.

    Can you throw those old sweatpants this way? I’m suffering from a severe sweatpant shortage.

  • Milla

    2009/10/15 at 2:52 pm

    i would rather be at my fresh-out-of-college weight, but that would require subsisting on a daily diet of cigarettes and coffee, with vodka binges on the weekends. oh the good old days!

    sorry, got carried away. what i meant to say is, “congratulations!!!” that and “i now want waffle fries, too.”

  • Tracylea

    2009/10/15 at 2:52 pm

    Not an easy achievement. yea for you and I think maybe you were wearing my underwear during pregnancy (woah, that was way creepy now that it’s said). I am not pregnant. my ass is large (but enjoyable to look at as long as it is covered in denim). My underwear scares me on a daily basis as I wonder how in the hell my ass ever got that big (but it has been for years I just apparently wore underwear to small for it).

    Anyway, congrats to you and your ass from me and mine.

  • Beth

    2009/10/15 at 2:55 pm

    I just played the sound of Marlo whining while my 4 month old whined from the bouncy chair beside me. He actually stopped whining to listen, so I suppose I can thank you for 60 whine free seconds. Except that I was listening to Marlo, too, so… Hhmm… maybe they weren’t 60 whine free seconds after all. Crap.

  • Hope

    2009/10/15 at 2:55 pm

    For the smiles, tears, and laughs – thank you!

  • Kelly

    2009/10/15 at 2:55 pm

    Yay! Pre-pregnancy weight! I am still 12lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight, and my baby is 8 years old! I’m gonna get there though – I’ve lost 24lbs so far this year. The funny thing is that I hadn’t realized that I had gotten so big/huge!

  • Michelle

    2009/10/15 at 2:56 pm

    Congrats! But that post made me want waffle frys (with fry sauce, because I’m a Utah girl).

  • Lyndsey

    2009/10/15 at 2:56 pm

    Oh how I remember those days and months of the constant whining. Hang in there!

    I wouldn’t throw those pregnant panties away just yet. Not until Jon gets the snip. 😛

  • Me2

    2009/10/15 at 2:57 pm

    Wait until your girls are teenagers and (assuming you are still doing their laundry) you have to fold their thongs. No one tells you about that in any “What to Expect” book.

  • Julie

    2009/10/15 at 2:58 pm

    I hope you start feeling more peace and that your life will be catastrophe-free! I am sorry that you have hit rough times 🙁 thank you for sharing in the midst of your trying times – and for brightening our days even in the midst of your crummy ones. Hang in there Dooce!

  • Linda

    2009/10/15 at 2:59 pm

    By the way, you’re a saint for living with that noise and not throwing the one who’s producing it out of the window. But then again, she is very cute. I’m thinking that might just really help her case.

  • Jessica

    2009/10/15 at 3:00 pm

    Congratulations on the pre-pregancy weight! I understand it’s not an easy feat.

    You’ve scared me with your horror stories of butt-biggening, though. As my butt is already the size of the European Union, any increase thereof will kind of breach the idea of proper body proportions.

    I will become one of those ladies whose back is half flabby shoulderblades, half butt, and I will wear tapered khakis and rose-colored glasses, and tunics with sequined pictures of sunsets. Oh, the life I have to look forward to after my first pregnancy.

  • VirgoMommy

    2009/10/15 at 3:00 pm

    Good for you to be back to your prepregnancy weight. It’s been 2 yrs since my 2nd baby girl and I’m still trying to lose the weight. I joined a spin class 3 months ago and have lost only 5lbs, only 20 more pounds to go!

    I need to get to the gym more often, but with a teenager, toddler and husband, I never seem to find the time. LOL

    I luv to read your blog and tweets, it always makes me smile.

  • Marianne

    2009/10/15 at 3:01 pm

    I don’t know what happens to a body during pregnancy … somehow, later, weight doesn’t matter. It’s a number. And clothing will never fit the same EVER AGAIN.

    Also? Due for waffle fries. HAHAH … Spit all over my monitor with that one. Thank you.

  • Betsy

    2009/10/15 at 3:01 pm

    Seriously? I feel like you update all the time! Just wanted to throw that out there.

    Also – I’m offended that you closed comments before I had a chance to say How the HECK would you ever make your dogs look like The Giving Tree and the kid who took everything away from The Giving Tree?? Fantastic idea though. I’ll have to stick with Jon and Kate.

  • kim

    2009/10/15 at 3:04 pm

    I can only imagine what might have become of your husband if he dared to mention your dignity and your underpants in the same sentence during the last couple of months of your pregnancy. Woah.

  • Dawn

    2009/10/15 at 3:05 pm


    24 years after giving birth, I have yet to reach my pre-pregnancy weight. Perhaps old age will help with that. Eventually.


  • Christina

    2009/10/15 at 3:06 pm

    Congrats! You are so freakin funny, I was hoping for a picture of you with your lovely underpants on your head 🙂

  • Andi

    2009/10/15 at 3:07 pm

    Congrats on getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight. I have the same issue with parts moving all over too. I used to have a pretty hot “ghetto booty” as it was referred to many times, and a semi-flat stomach. Now their roles have reversed and I have a semi-flat booty and a ghetto-licious tummy. I should have said “their ROLLS…”

  • Stephanie

    2009/10/15 at 3:07 pm

    I’ve only been coming here for about two years, but I think this just might be my favorite post ever, only because of the copious amounts of exclamation points. Awe!Some!
    (I’m serious and not being a hater, I don’t want to be confused with the hater crowd.)

  • Chrissy

    2009/10/15 at 3:08 pm

    Congrats on the weight loss, even though the path you took to get there wasn’t the best one. 🙂

  • Kate

    2009/10/15 at 3:08 pm

    Ha!! I am only 5 months pregnant and quickly growing out of my cute undies. I went to buy new ones yesterday and realized that the size I need is an XL. I put them back on the rack and slowly backed away. I am not ready yet.

  • Anonymous

    2009/10/15 at 3:12 pm


  • Heather

    2009/10/15 at 3:14 pm

    A small part of me thought you were exaggerating about the goat noise, but you are TOTALLY right!

  • Jill Put Up A Blog

    2009/10/15 at 3:16 pm

    Eek! 5 months prego here – scared, very scared. always been the same weight since high school (over 10 years ago), have never grown out of a pair of pants until now and here I am wondering – how is this all going to end? Give me another fudge bar please!

  • Liz

    2009/10/15 at 3:16 pm

    Good for you Heather!

  • Chanel

    2009/10/15 at 3:16 pm

    how you had a second child is beyond me

  • Jamie

    2009/10/15 at 3:17 pm

    I only made it though 42 seconds of the recording. You are a strong, brave woman. Or you’ve found really great ear plugs.

  • nicole

    2009/10/15 at 3:17 pm

    darnet I can’t hear the noise!!!!!!!!

  • BKU

    2009/10/15 at 3:21 pm

    Normally, when I play videos or sound clips on my computer, my dogs go nuts. Marlo’s whining, however, held not their interest, but the cat’s, who climbed up onto my laptop and began pawing at the speakers at about 20 seconds in.

  • Sarah

    2009/10/15 at 3:22 pm

    Thanks for the birth control in that clip, Heather. =)

  • Jacquie

    2009/10/15 at 3:23 pm

    I still, to this day more than EIGHT YEARS later, maintain a few pairs of maternity underwear in the dark recesses of my dainty drawer. I think somehow I am trying to trick myself into appreciating my comparatively small arse. But every once in a while when I am really, really lagging on the laundry front, I pull out a pair of those suckers and my kids and I laugh and laugh and laugh at how mommy’s butt once filled those undies to bursting. Maybe it’s time for me to bid the big pants goodbye. Perhaps I’ll make myself a sail and float away….

    Oh, and congrats on dropping the weight, I forgot that we were not talking about ME.

  • Ashley Gill

    2009/10/15 at 3:24 pm

    What’s sad is: I can’t hit play on that clip of yours (which I’m sure is hilariously annoying) because it might wake my catnapping 3 month old and cause her to start with the whining herself.
    What else is sad: I know EXACTLY what it sounds like.
    Point is: Your blog helps me so much!

  • Aisha

    2009/10/15 at 3:25 pm

    I’m kinda curious what a VS Pink brand Toga would look like. They’d probably add the word in all caps in the general area of the wearers ass. Which means it would be near my… knees? (I’m short.)

    The Marlo noise reminds me of the little girl I used to baby-sit. Her brother and I got on great. She was colic-y and generally very happy until she wasn’t… this makes me sound like a such horrible person, but part of why I quit was because of how difficult it was to baby-sit her and her brother together. She always sounded like her whole world was about to explode through her diaper, and he was used to my undivided attention… It got tiring. It got really hard. I ended up having to basically tell them they needed to find a sitter who their son wasn’t so attached to. It sucked.

    Which is a very round-about way of saying I empathize.

  • Sue

    2009/10/15 at 3:25 pm

    I can’t hear it either, Nicole. Perhaps it’s like a dog whistle and only audible to moms. Not, dog’s moms like me:-(

    Can’t wait to take a peep at how this post will only prove how big your ego is and how stupid you are as a mother (/sarcasm).

    Heather, you make me a very happy, smiley person and I thank you! Now I’m gonna go click on some Monetize the Hate ads!!!

  • Jill

    2009/10/15 at 3:27 pm

    Holy cats, woman, I couldn’t last the whole 60 seconds. I bow before mothers everywhere for being able to survive that sound.

  • Tracy

    2009/10/15 at 3:31 pm

    Yup, with you on the indies but it doesn’t get better post pregnancy for me cause I get so broke and post natal that I can’t get round to buying new ones. Thank goodness for the mother in law – sends me underwear in the post. Anyhoo. .Love your kids hands. Been reading your posts for years. Love it.

  • Brat

    2009/10/15 at 3:32 pm

    And THAT is EXACTLY why I stopped having kids after ONE.

    I knew my limits.

    Folding thongs…. LOL! BUTT FLOSS. Best name ever for those.

  • Rita T.

    2009/10/15 at 3:33 pm

    Been there! You think WOW Awesome, I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight! Then, you go and try to put on those jeans that made your ass look great and…they don’t fit??? And you’re like WTF!

  • Anonymous

    2009/10/15 at 3:33 pm

    Congrats lady. Now I’m even more jealous…sort of.

  • Mari

    2009/10/15 at 3:34 pm

    Ooh, poor teething baby Marlo!

  • Megan

    2009/10/15 at 3:36 pm

    Isn’t it screwy that even after reaching your pre-pregnancy weight, nothing fits anyway? The SHAPE never goes pre-pregnancy, that’s the kicker. But, hey, now that you’ve cleaned out the closet, you can go shopping, right? Embrace the new shape. BTW, I’m loving the monetizing the hate page. I try to go every day and make sure you get paid for their sentiments. So classy!

  • Becky

    2009/10/15 at 3:37 pm

    I am there with ya sister on the being at the pre-pregnancy weight and the pants just don’t fit right. The second kid just spreads the hips a little more.

  • Nanci

    2009/10/15 at 3:38 pm

    So as soon as that clip started playing, one of my dogs came in here EXTREMELY concerned. He kept staring at my laptop and cocking his head from side to side. I think I may have to get him used to that noise before I have kids!

  • Stephanie

    2009/10/15 at 3:41 pm

    Reading your blog daily is my birth control.

  • sarah doow

    2009/10/15 at 3:44 pm

    I like that I pressed the space bar to jump down the page and instead the page stayed where it was and Marlo started whining at me again, as if scrolling was just too much to ask of her.

  • Lisa

    2009/10/15 at 3:47 pm

    I agree with Beth, you ARE very entertaining. Each post is like a cliffhanger; more please!

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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