the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Halloween 2009

Halloween was a total blur, mainly because we spent the week leading up to it trying to iron out the bugs of the community website, and as usual I waited until the last minute to buy candy and the only thing left at the grocery store was really expensive dark chocolate that makes little kids throw up.


So now not only are we the reclusive Internet people who run some sort of online website, have you heard? That house where that little shit of a dog escaped the house one time and chased that woman who was jogging along, minding her own business, and caught up with her and grabbed the bottom of her pants with her fangs? HELLO HEART ATTACK. AND LAW SUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN.

Some people have heard it’s porn we do. Some people think we’re Satanists and drink the blood of aborted hummingbirds. HA! IF THEY ONLY KNEW! They’d be so thoroughly disappointed and would probably remove my name from the prayer list.

Now we’re the house that gives out crap candy. Except one kid dressed up as a hippie saw the bowl and was all DUDE! I LOVE DARK CHOCOLATE! That’s a boy beyond his years. I bet he’s a good listener and routinely hugs his mother.

Leta went over to her cousins’ house and trick-or-treated with all of my sister’s kids, and they say that she got fatigued after about an hour and started dragging her feet going I’M SO TIRED. SO TIIIIIIIRED. So my niece said, fine, let’s go home, and then Leta realized that going home meant an end to the waterfall of candy, so she’d say, okay, JUST MORE HOUSE. ONE. MORE. And that exact dialogue continued for twenty more houses. And I was all, really? That happened? How surprising.

And then this morning when she refused to get dressed and I threatened to take away all that Halloween candy? Apparently I was treating her “like she was zero years old.” I didn’t see that one coming.

We stayed home with Marlo to hand out candy and troubleshoot the website. Meaning I made it all the way to 8:30 PM, and while I slept Jon sat beside me in bed with his laptop straightening out code. 8:30, y’all! Can I get a very awkward high-five and a HOLLA! That was the latest I had stayed up in MONTHS. SOMEONE STOP ME! Next thing you know I’m going to be spiking my Metamucil with blackberry schnapps!

Next week, the dogs in costumes! Coco is still exhausted from all the brain power it took to remain still for a photograph.

  • flopsykitty

    2009/11/06 at 1:25 pm

    Those are the cutest children EVER!

  • Melissa C

    2009/11/06 at 1:27 pm

    That last picture made me laugh. Loudly.

  • Ashley_the Accidental Olympian

    2009/11/06 at 1:28 pm

    I bet your living room floor automatically transforms itself to include a blue background and shooting stars EVERY SINGLE TIME Marlo does something adorable. Which by the way is awesome.

    How can I get my hands on kick ass flooring such as this?

  • Lizzy B.

    2009/11/06 at 1:28 pm

    That last picture of Marlo is BRILLIANT.

  • KellyKjellberg

    2009/11/06 at 1:30 pm

    too cute! i had a similar experience with my 5 y/o trick or treating, but she didnt do the one more house thing…. she wanted to home immediately when she was tired! course i bought good candy and she wasnt worried about losing out…
    cant wait to see the dogs!

  • I Had Ice

    2009/11/06 at 1:32 pm

    Ha ha! I bought mini bags of pretzels to hand out and the husband told me I might as well give out pencils and erasers while I was at it. Fun!
    I ended up spending another $35 on candy he approved of, and somehow we survived another Halloween.
    You should have made Marlo’s eyes bigger on that last picture, to make her appear cartoonish.
    Love it! Leta looks lovely, as usual. I envy those eyebrows.

  • Sumunro

    2009/11/06 at 1:34 pm

    Marlo appears to have super powers like a Saturday morning cartoon character from the 70’s.


  • mandiegirl

    2009/11/06 at 1:35 pm

    OMG! That last photo is freaking HILARIOUS! 🙂 Love the little glo worm!

  • SheilaJ

    2009/11/06 at 1:36 pm

    Love bug!! Too cute and Leta is adorable

  • Snippet

    2009/11/06 at 1:36 pm

    Such cute costumes, I can’t wait to see the dogs’! I love Marlo with the blue star-burst background!!

  • WanderingOne

    2009/11/06 at 1:37 pm

    Dude, I totally want Marlo’s costume. It looks so comfortable; I want to live in it. I’d never have to go to bed, and why? Because I’d be wearing it!

  • angelbee

    2009/11/06 at 1:43 pm

    Those two are so cute!

  • jenny

    2009/11/06 at 1:47 pm

    The last photo is excellent. Your children are so adorable! I can’t wait to see the dogs in their get-up. 😀

  • analogwatch

    2009/11/06 at 1:49 pm

    OMG. I love that last picture of Marlo! My two-month-old was a penguin but she looks so unhappy in all the photos (she hates hats) that I really can’t do such an awesome photoshopping job on any of hers. 🙁

  • danil0v

    2009/11/06 at 1:50 pm

    I LOVE the fact that I’m not the only one who is routinely passed out by 8:30. . It’s humiliating really; I catch myself commenting to my husband around 7:30 – 8:00 that ‘it’s gettin’ kinda late.’ Ya – late only for the select group of people on the planet right now raising 2 small children!

  • stargirlmia89

    2009/11/06 at 1:52 pm

    Hahaha I loooove that last picture. I laughed so hard! They both look very cute 🙂

  • VBVB

    2009/11/06 at 1:52 pm

    Love the costumes! Marlo is sure starting to look a lot like Leta! WOW!

  • Anu

    2009/11/06 at 1:54 pm

    Absolutely adorable. Leta is the cutest witch ever and Marlo is so cute it hurts 🙂

  • Red Fury

    2009/11/06 at 1:56 pm

    My question is: What is happening to the excess dark chocolate now?!

    I was expecting 200 kids, received 12 and have now consumed six (OK – 27), mini Aero bars.

    At least you are getting the benefit of anti-oxidants!

  • HDC

    2009/11/06 at 1:55 pm

    Super mega SPARKLE BABY!

    Also, Leta’s witch hat rules.

  • Milla

    2009/11/06 at 1:56 pm

    ok, you’ve convinced me to have babies now, just so i can dress them up like tacos for halloween. then i will put hot sauce on them and eat them. nom nom nom.

  • sundance moods

    2009/11/06 at 1:57 pm

    Marlo’s costume is just too darn cute! OMG!

  • Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt

    2009/11/06 at 2:05 pm

    Man you make cute kids.

  • Jennifer M.

    2009/11/06 at 2:07 pm

    That picture of you kissing Marlo is perfect. That look on your face says it all.

  • Mommys Blend

    2009/11/06 at 2:08 pm

    I am totally loving Leta’s attitude lately via this & twitter… and she makes a totally adorable witch. I’d so let her cast a spell or two.

    Now onto the Marlo costume — I fucking love that costume. My son was in a little Halloween-y jumper thing for his first Halloween, he was about 2 months old though… but the little bug thing is stinkin’ cute.

    Thank you, as always, for entertaining me when I should be doing something productive like… my college assignments or housework or writing or entertaining the demon spawn, I mean, my lovely adorable three year old son that never makes me want to rip my hair out. Much.

    I love having things HELP me procrastinate.

  • Shiree in Salt Lake City

    2009/11/06 at 2:15 pm

    Leta needs to be modeling. Seriously – that gorgeous white skin and those eyes! WOW Marlo is a cutie pie, and your Leta is amazingly beautiful!

  • laurahoward

    2009/11/06 at 2:18 pm

    Can you please tell me where you got Marlo’s costume? I have to have it!

  • asdotnet

    2009/11/06 at 2:19 pm

    I can not point out the resemblance between enough. It is like a mini me for Leta. Those eyes, those cheeks, THAT MOUTH

  • Love_Monkey

    2009/11/06 at 2:22 pm

    I want to take that last picture and make a greeting card out of it that says, “I hope your day is so great that you shit sparkles!”

    I love it!

  • The Prima Momma

    2009/11/06 at 2:24 pm

    Oh my! What a sweet little glo worm!

    You have such beautiful daughters.

    (At least you’re not the house that hands out “nature’s candy” i.e. raisins)

  • fudgeit

    2009/11/06 at 2:26 pm

    where, oh where did you get that bug costume? you can’t tell the office i said this but that is so worth a second baby.

  • Trina

    2009/11/06 at 2:29 pm

    they BOTH look absolutely adorable! Where’s your costume? 🙂

  • simpliSAHM

    2009/11/06 at 2:33 pm

    Just wanted to say the boy beyond his years who loves dark chocolate? You almost hit the nail on the head with that one in regards to one of mine; he does routinely hug his mother though the listening thing could use improvement, but hey, what are you gonna do? He’s a teenager and I’m lucky I’ve got a “good” one! Darling pics of the kiddos! That first one of Leta even has the ^ ^ eyebrow thing going on!

  • The Christine

    2009/11/06 at 2:34 pm

    Oh my god… glow-worm is too cute for words! It’s hurting my eyes!

  • OKMom

    2009/11/06 at 2:35 pm

    Too cute!! Both of them. I’m sure you made a lot of parents happy with the dark chocolate!

  • Daddy Scratches

    2009/11/06 at 2:35 pm

    That last picture should be an album cover. “Halloween with The Armstrongs!”

    Regarding the candy: My sister-in-law brilliantly turned us on to Wendy the Witch … who, when the kids leave out their bags of candy before going to bed, takes them in exchange for a new toy that she leaves behind for each of them. (No, we don’t take ALL their candy … but most of it.)

    Yes sir, I love me some Halloween … perhaps a bit too much.

  • andygirl

    2009/11/06 at 2:38 pm

    it’s amazing how fast your kids are growing! Leta looks like a short adult, I swear. and wasn’t Marlo JUST BORN? she’s so big!

  • BigMamaCass

    2009/11/06 at 2:39 pm

    Those are GREAT pics!! too cute!

  • Karen Chatters

    2009/11/06 at 2:44 pm

    Marlo looks DELISH!! So cute! And Leta’s skin is so beautiful. Oh, to be young and have flawless skin. Ho hum.

  • workroom

    2009/11/06 at 2:54 pm



  • megandeKlined

    2009/11/06 at 2:55 pm

    Oh my uterus. That is the cutest baby costume I have ever seen!

  • Jess F

    2009/11/06 at 2:59 pm

    Adorable! I just knew Marlo could fart sparkles.

  • katie crowley

    2009/11/06 at 3:10 pm

    that last picture totally had trumpets playing – i heard them.

    and i know this is annoying, but my captcha is

    carefree denver

    that seems almost as cool as marlo, but not quite…

  • Crazy Card Lady

    2009/11/06 at 3:14 pm

    You had me at “routinely hugs his mother.” Then I was almost knocked out by how intense purple makes Leta’s eyes look. And finally the psychedelic glow worm is about the most adorable thing I have seen since my kids. You should certainly use that image for your postcards. Geeze those two kids are ooozing with cuteness!

  • josephine

    2009/11/06 at 3:17 pm

    First off, the last closeup pic of Leta and the starburst pic of Marlo made my ovaries cry… damn you and your unbelievable beautiful children!

    As for the candy, we had three….count it…1.2.3…trick or treaters in 2008, and so we spent the next several months cursing the small children who didn’t bother to wander down our block so we were REQUIRED to eat all of that leftover candy and add inches to our waistlines.

    Mutual Pact – NO HALLOWEEN CANDY this year.

    3 weeks before Halloween, husband walks in with 4 GINORMOUS bags of Halloween candy “because they were on sale!”


    We did get 8 trick or treaters this year, but still… what’s a girl to do with all of those kit kats lying around just WAITING to be eaten?!

  • kristin.standafer

    2009/11/06 at 3:18 pm

    We handed out full size fun-dip, which I thought was AWESOME… yet some little brat turned to her friend after my husband put it in her bag and said “THIS house SUCKS!” and proceeded to throw the fun-dip in my front yard! She’s lucky I wasn’t the one to hear it, I would have chased her into the front yard, made her pick it up and apologize!

  • vonfengler

    2009/11/06 at 3:23 pm

    Is it just me or does Leta look more grownup??? What a cute cuddle bug!!

  • kristanhoffman

    2009/11/06 at 3:23 pm


    Also, OMG DO YOU HAVE PILES OF MAGAZINES LINING YOUR ROOM?! Good god, woman, have you no shame? (Or no recycle bins?!)

  • freckledmama

    2009/11/06 at 3:24 pm

    That is the cutest baby costume EVER! If you ever want to get rid of it, send it my way. 😉 I love Leta’s witch costume-prettiest lil witch out there I’m sure!

  • inti79

    2009/11/06 at 3:40 pm

    If you get bored and have some spare time on your hands (HA), I would love to see Marlo morphed into a beaaaautiful butterfly!

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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