An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Halloween 2009

Halloween was a total blur, mainly because we spent the week leading up to it trying to iron out the bugs of the community website, and as usual I waited until the last minute to buy candy and the only thing left at the grocery store was really expensive dark chocolate that makes little kids throw up.


So now not only are we the reclusive Internet people who run some sort of online website, have you heard? That house where that little shit of a dog escaped the house one time and chased that woman who was jogging along, minding her own business, and caught up with her and grabbed the bottom of her pants with her fangs? HELLO HEART ATTACK. AND LAW SUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN.

Some people have heard it’s porn we do. Some people think we’re Satanists and drink the blood of aborted hummingbirds. HA! IF THEY ONLY KNEW! They’d be so thoroughly disappointed and would probably remove my name from the prayer list.

Now we’re the house that gives out crap candy. Except one kid dressed up as a hippie saw the bowl and was all DUDE! I LOVE DARK CHOCOLATE! That’s a boy beyond his years. I bet he’s a good listener and routinely hugs his mother.

Leta went over to her cousins’ house and trick-or-treated with all of my sister’s kids, and they say that she got fatigued after about an hour and started dragging her feet going I’M SO TIRED. SO TIIIIIIIRED. So my niece said, fine, let’s go home, and then Leta realized that going home meant an end to the waterfall of candy, so she’d say, okay, JUST MORE HOUSE. ONE. MORE. And that exact dialogue continued for twenty more houses. And I was all, really? That happened? How surprising.

And then this morning when she refused to get dressed and I threatened to take away all that Halloween candy? Apparently I was treating her “like she was zero years old.” I didn’t see that one coming.

We stayed home with Marlo to hand out candy and troubleshoot the website. Meaning I made it all the way to 8:30 PM, and while I slept Jon sat beside me in bed with his laptop straightening out code. 8:30, y’all! Can I get a very awkward high-five and a HOLLA! That was the latest I had stayed up in MONTHS. SOMEONE STOP ME! Next thing you know I’m going to be spiking my Metamucil with blackberry schnapps!

Next week, the dogs in costumes! Coco is still exhausted from all the brain power it took to remain still for a photograph.

  • Bush Babe

    Those are fabulous… what lens do you use for these pics? Awesome and crisp.

    And on a COMPLETELY different subject (sorry):

    What was it like to meet Ree Drummond? Like my two favourite bloggers in the same spot – was the star power electrifying?? Spill Heather!

    PS My captcha is ‘that hick’… and I am now looking over my shoulder… is Big Brother watching? Heh

  • Junket Juice

    Cutest. Costume. Ever. Make her wear it every day.

  • LazyMom

    Love your photos and the subtle insights.

  • Mandy

    God, that last photo is too funny and too cute. The baby centipede guru!

    In Australia we’ve always been very half arsed about Halloween (like going trick or treating in a fright wig and supermarket plastic bag and getting one of those little individual cornflake packets for our troubles!). But, for some reason, it really took off this year. All of a sudden (and I honestly don’t remember it last year) the supermarkets have decorations and Toys R Us have a couple of aisles dedicated to costumes, decorations and candy etc. And this year my 5 year old son was more excited about Halloween than Christmas and Easter combined!

    We went to a friends neighbourhood to trick or treat with them and some families really went to some effort for the kids (ghost tunnels, scary music and decorations). We got back to our friends house and put masks on to hand out lollies (Me: scream mask, my partner: werewolf with his glasses over the top, Friend: Witch wig with Dame Edna glasses, Friend’s partner: hiding in the back room.) We subjected the poor stunned little ghouls and witches to a ramshackle dance routine to ‘Thriller’ (whilst pissing ourselves laughing) before we gave them anything.

    Looking forward to next year!

  • Indy Cookie

    Leta has the most amazing eyes!! I don’t know that I’ve seen just that shade of green before. Their costumes are simply adorable – that lil’ caterpillar just kills me!

  • Sonika

    Marlo’s costume is the cutest thing I have seen all day, and I spend my day smothered in cute.

  • theotherlion

    I see myself needing a “Marlo the Caterpillar” keychain. Just sayin’.

  • Meranath

    That last pic is so cute I think it just barfed rainbows and farted out a pixie.

  • megnstuff

    I love that you can see Marlo’s little toes in the one pic.
    Leta is a beauty. You will be in trouble in a few years… Jon might want to rethink his view on gun control when all the boys start knocking at the door!
    side note: Love the new community site. I becoming addicted. Its like 3 Buck Chuck, the more you have the better it gets.

  • Becca

    OK, how much for the baby? Cause really, I MUST. HAVE.

    (and if I agree to take Coco will you give em a discount?)

  • ChattyCathy

    Wow …Miss Leta is growing up! You have trouble on your hands when the boys come a knockin …and they will! Beautiful eyes and such a pretty smile! Little Marlo is such a cute bug …so much awesome cuteness!

  • jacqueline

    That last picture is out of control! <3

  • Queen Bugaboo

    I know a ton of other people already said it, but that last picture really is fabulous.

  • Nancy

    You are beautiful, Leta is beautiful and Marlo is, too.

  • Gemcat

    Leta looks so like Jon in the last shot. Could we have a shot of Jon in wig and witches hat for comparison? Oh, go on….. please?…..Could we? Could we?

  • anya

    I was looking forward to your Halloween posting. For some reason thinking a cool couple like you would do something wild (and I could vicariously live through you). But it turns out my trick-or-treating with my 1 year old son (we hit 3 houses!) was wilder than your night. Makes me feel like I’m cool. So thank you 🙂

    But seriously, I assume life will get back to normal some day, right? I mean the kids won’t always be little and we’d actually want, and be able to, stay up past 9, right? Right???

  • KelseyGrr

    OMG I forgot you always dressed up the dogs, just remembered, and now I am SO stoked for the pictures. Yay!!

    Also, I love Leta’s comment about how she’ll starve to death if you take away her Halloween candy. I can only hope that Marlo is this entertaining when she grows up! She’s definitely going to be just as pretty:) Such a cute little…caterpilllar? Or “capelater” as I called them when I was young.

  • Not So Glamorous Housewife

    wow, your girls really look alike in those pictures.

  • Lisa_V

    That is the cutest baby costume.

    And thank you for the picture of the side of your hair. Since you posted a great one of the front last week, hairdressers everywhere are now waiting for one of the back.

  • Laura S

    I saw that costume at Gymboree and almost bought it for my daughter. Marlo looks FAB, especially on that awesome sparkly floor. 😉 Leta is beautiful!

  • gail37

    arrgghhh… ok.. so I’m reading the blog..yeah, I know, it’s almost 7 pm. But I worked today. Marlo’s costume really made me giggle..ok..guffawed. And I wanted to let you know. (I’ll probably still be giggling when I hit the sack tonight.) Anyhow, because I came to blog first, the message was something must be logged in to dooce community to leave a comment. So I clicked on the link, entered my user name and password and I got “the page cannot be found”. Is this another bug that Jon has to fix? Or just an abberation? Whatever.. I then went to Community, logged in, came back and voila! here I am making a comment!

  • Melissa C

    Hilarious! Dooce is missing a major opportunity if she doesn’t use “So great I shit sparkles” as her next header tagline! 🙂


    I was also the loser candy parent this year. They actually had the Christmas candy out on Halloween. What nerve! So I’ve decided red and green are the new orange and black.

  • sexylikeapeanut

    Your kids are so adorable. I imagine Leta looking quite similar to Marlo when she was a baby. You can definitely tell they are sisters.

    Just an FYI. I can’t access your site from aol. Everytime I try it says access is denied. Slightly annoying.

  • MeMyselfandMommy

    Oh Heather, you are not the house of bad candy. We are the house of bad candy.

    My husband got a ton of crappy candy. I mean a TON of crappy candy. Why? WHY? Because, “Kids don’t care what kind of candy they get, they just want a LOT of candy. So we’ll be the house that gives every kid a giant handful of candy.” This is my, you’ve got to be kidding me face.

    PS. He plans on saving the candy we didn’t use for next year. I kid you not.

  • Talon

    I totally agree Shiree. Not only is Leta beautiful, but she strikingly so.

  • Bunny Farts

    Marlo as a glow worm, too cute and Leta as Stevie Nicks, perfect.

  • Kim

    Awww, such adorable costumes. Thanks for sharing! Marlo is growing by the day! She looks like she’s going to be a sharp cookie just like her big sis.

  • GlassofWin

    Marlo is a Cuddle Bug, how cute!

  • GlassofWin

    Best comment ever!

  • vent

    Like everyone else has shared….your children are beautiful.

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more adorable caterpillar costume in my life. You’ve gotta figure a way to put that last photo on your masthead one month. It’s FLAWLESS!

  • AlwaysCharmed

    Love Love Love their costumes, super cute!

  • Meredith

    I get to hear the “I’m so tired, so very very tired” song pretty much every single time I ask my three-year-old to do anything. It’s charming. And by charming I of course mean annoying as shit.

    Awesome, awesome pictures!

  • doomish

    The gap between Leta’s teeth is so cute it makes my head implode.

  • LovingDanger

    DEAR LORD BABY JESUS! Blackberry Schnapps! Seriously that shit exists?? Clearly I’m not shopping at the right liquor store! THANK YOU!

  • Lily Hydrangea

    Funny you should say that about the boy dressed up as a hippy…my son loves hippies and dark chocolate and he also happens to be a good listener and routinely hugs his mother. How weird is that?
    I love Halloween and I totally empathize with Leta!

  • Lena

    I have spent my entire LIFE saying, “Okay, ONE.MORE.HOUSE.”
    That bug costume is the cutest thing I have ever seen.
    And I too would trust Clive Owen with my, um, “everything”.
    (Is that what we’re calling them these days?)

  • Maybe Next Week

    Cute cute cute! Leta and Marlo both. Such gorgeous girls. I wish we did Halloween better in Australia.

  • The Bold Soul

    Ditto the total adorability of your girls.

    And as to the dark chocolate? Just be glad you weren’t the house who gave out apples, or raisins… or TOOTHBRUSHES. Then, you would have DESERVED to have your house egged.

    This way, mothers of those kids who got your dark chocolate can sneak into their kids’ Halloween stash and take your candy without so much guilt. Because it’s only DARK chocolate, and that’s GOOD for you!

  • WebSavyMom

    –>That costume on Marlo is adorable. It makes me want to scoop her up. My son is almost three and I think this is the last year I’ll be able to dictate his Halloween costume. *sigh*

  • Mo

    FYI, this last picture will now most likely feature prominantly in any flashbacks/near-death experience visions/space oddysey experiences that I might have. Ever.

    She will probably try to hand me a banana and suggest something profound. This is my plan, anyway.

  • KatieC

    YAY dogs in halloween costumes.
    I put our black lab in a costume which made the little kiddies giggle when they came to trick or treat.

  • eddeaux

    Love the costumes, but what I really love is that new masthead. I look forward to the new masthead every month.

  • the niffer

    Awesome costumes. My son wants to be a witch like Leta next year. The exact same witch.

  • J. Bo

    Oh, my GOD, I cannot believe how grown-up Leta is! She’s just so beautiful… as is little Love Bug Marlo. I’m with “the niffer”: TOTALLY awesome costumes, Armstrongs!

    After being overwhelmed by T&T-ers last year, I made sure to get the REALLY big bag of fun-size candy bars at Costco. Total number of knocks on my door Halloween night? NONE. Not a single munchkin.

    Between the incredibly sweet pics of your girls and my self-pitying consumption of tiny Almond Joys and Snickers, I believe I am now officially diabetic.

  • NatashAbdool

    I love Marlo’s costume!!! Soooo CUTE!!!!

    I hope you’ve already started that law school fund for Leta 😀

  • amybjorge

    I’m terribly afraid of dogs. Even dogs whose owners love said dog dearly. This can be somewhat baffling to dog owners, but it’s the way I feel. I’m afraid of dogs I don’t know. I don’t enjoy them. If somebody’s dog broke loose and bit my ankle, I’d probably have a mild heart attack. (My neighbor’s rottweiler ran out of an open gate and attacked my leashed mini schnauzer when I was 8 months pregnant and I pissed my pants as I watched.)
    If the owner were callous enough to argue that it “only happened once”, I’d probably feel inclined to sue.
    However, If they apologised profusely, promissed to never let it happen again, sent the dog to obedience school, and gave me some dark chocolate, I’d probably forgive.
    If they gave me milk chocolate, the odds of me forgiving would be better.

  • Lauriequinn

    Hahahahaha OH MAN Marlo as a glowworm made me laugh so hard! What a cutie!

  • Gabriela Frei

    Ever since I read your account of delivering Marlo, I was thinking you might do the glowworm thing for Halloween. Well done 🙂

  • PrudenceOctavia

    Those are fab costumes: the Marlo Bug is perfect, and Leta is gorgeous. What are you trying to do to us!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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