An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Halloween 2009

Halloween was a total blur, mainly because we spent the week leading up to it trying to iron out the bugs of the community website, and as usual I waited until the last minute to buy candy and the only thing left at the grocery store was really expensive dark chocolate that makes little kids throw up.


So now not only are we the reclusive Internet people who run some sort of online website, have you heard? That house where that little shit of a dog escaped the house one time and chased that woman who was jogging along, minding her own business, and caught up with her and grabbed the bottom of her pants with her fangs? HELLO HEART ATTACK. AND LAW SUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN.

Some people have heard it’s porn we do. Some people think we’re Satanists and drink the blood of aborted hummingbirds. HA! IF THEY ONLY KNEW! They’d be so thoroughly disappointed and would probably remove my name from the prayer list.

Now we’re the house that gives out crap candy. Except one kid dressed up as a hippie saw the bowl and was all DUDE! I LOVE DARK CHOCOLATE! That’s a boy beyond his years. I bet he’s a good listener and routinely hugs his mother.

Leta went over to her cousins’ house and trick-or-treated with all of my sister’s kids, and they say that she got fatigued after about an hour and started dragging her feet going I’M SO TIRED. SO TIIIIIIIRED. So my niece said, fine, let’s go home, and then Leta realized that going home meant an end to the waterfall of candy, so she’d say, okay, JUST MORE HOUSE. ONE. MORE. And that exact dialogue continued for twenty more houses. And I was all, really? That happened? How surprising.

And then this morning when she refused to get dressed and I threatened to take away all that Halloween candy? Apparently I was treating her “like she was zero years old.” I didn’t see that one coming.

We stayed home with Marlo to hand out candy and troubleshoot the website. Meaning I made it all the way to 8:30 PM, and while I slept Jon sat beside me in bed with his laptop straightening out code. 8:30, y’all! Can I get a very awkward high-five and a HOLLA! That was the latest I had stayed up in MONTHS. SOMEONE STOP ME! Next thing you know I’m going to be spiking my Metamucil with blackberry schnapps!

Next week, the dogs in costumes! Coco is still exhausted from all the brain power it took to remain still for a photograph.

  • grandefille

    Okay, you all win Most Anerable. Hands down.

    And congratulations for capturing a glowworm farting sunshine. Next step: Coco!

  • ElizabethK

    Those pictures of Marlo are so cute they make my teeth ache.

  • tanyetta

    So cute! Next year I promise to get Gracen a costume. I totally miffed it up this year.

  • outsidevoice

    You officially owe me a new screen after I spit my drink all over my existing one from laughing at that last picture. That is many, many levels of awesome.

  • A

    I would have much rather visited your house for some of that gag inducing dark chocolate. Here in San Francisco my daughter received pencils, pennies and hemp tampons.

    Thanks San Francisco.

  • Moms In Need Of Mercy

    We had NOT ONE single trick-or-treater at our house…but then again, we don’t live in the world’s greatest neighborhood. My kids are quite happy to have all that Halloween candy to themselves though 🙂 Speaking of which, after my boys each had massive amounts of decay at their last checkup, I had to ask some hard questions about trick-or-treating. You can see them here:

  • Cult_of_clothes

    Marlo has the best Halloween costume in the history of the world! This is the time when she needs to live it up and get through all those rad costumes that prevent her from walking. For example, caterpillar, mermaid, proper Egyptian mummy (not the cheater kind with two legs, the real kind with the legs wrapped together) and salmon.

  • peachandashes

    I love the caterpillar bunting. Adorable! That’s one I haven’t seen before.
    Leta looks so much older than I recall, in her witchy outfit. And her hair is so much longer than I remembered it being, too! She’s turning into such a gorgeous little girl already. It’s hard to believe how fast they grow and transition. (And I say that with no intention of make the screaming infant days seem even more never-ending than they already do for you. Sorry!)

    Leta sounds just like my boys did on Halloween this year. “I WANT TO GO HOOOOOOOOME NOW!!” Turn around to head back and, “WAIT! WE HAVE TO GO TO THAT HOUSE AND THAT HOUSE FIRST!” Oh, we DO???

  • Jennifer June

    I was invited to about 6 parties on Halloween but I stayed home to work on my web site and throw candy at little kids. I gave up trick or treating with mine when they got taller me. It’s just embarrassing now.
    I bought chips and chocolate bars to feed an army of rabid children and only name brand because I wanted to be “the good house”.
    I loved the good house.
    My boyfriend warned me that at “the good house” kids cheat and come back twice, sometimes three times so I bought cheezies on the way home.
    I dressed the dog up in her dragon costume, which she out grew years ago, so it makes her limp around like Igor. I figured it might take away from the fact that I was still in my pajamas.

    6 kids.

    6 kids came to my door.

    $60.00 in candy to be “the good house” for 6 kids.

    My daughter offered to bring the rest to school for her friend Liam because he had been at home with Swine flu for a week and had a fever of 103 on Halloween.
    I’m pretty sure she ate it all before recess but at least it’s out of my house and of my list of choices for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next week.

  • cat

    This community login idea is one you should have done EONS ago!! I guess the idiot quotient has to reach critical mass to drive a blogger from “anonymous free speech,” to to the brink of totalitarianism, er, I mean login technology. Now those little buggers will have to sign in before they spew. But they should love the idea of at least somewhat controlled community discussion! ….sorry, how un-compassionate of me.

    I laughed when I saw Leah’s costume. A local school prohibited costumes depicting a witch because it would offend Wiccans. Huh????? Isn’t this holiday all about witches and goblins??????

    PS, I so miss giving nose squishing kisses. Marlo’s costume is THE BEST.

  • MommyImHome

    Leta makes a great little witch and Marlo is adorable. Plus, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your hair!

  • Kim Hosey – AZ Writer

    That caterpillar one is a-freakin’-dorable! Love it. We just did the lazy pumpkin-ish looking thing when my son was a baby, and he took off the stem/hat so it just looked like orange pajamas.

    Great shots.

  • P

    My daughter received Pop Tarts one year from a neighbor. Aw, those were the days when people gave out good “treats”? Ten years later- we still laugh.

  • Rainyday

    Great pics of the girls. Happy Halloween!!!!!!

  • annahj

    OMG! GOrgeous photos of Marlo! The last one screams greeting card. I would totally send those to my friends, even if they would then ask me if I had made a baby in the last month since they saw me. magically.
    Keep up the good work!

  • Penelope

    LOVE the pics!

    And I totally laughed at the “just one more house” reference.

  • John Duke

    dark chocolate rocks

  • John Duke

    good call getting rid of “monetize the hate” by the way. that was silly.

  • ChelseaRose

    Awww, those photos of Marlo are the most adorable pics I’ve EVER seen! And Leta looks gorgeous.

  • rwwutlim

    Have you put that shiny new blue background with your SHINGLES/jazz hands photo???

  • renata_armindo

    That is the cutest halloween costume ever! The girls look great! Too bad we don’t have Halloween here in Brazil… 🙂

  • TheCraftyAngel

    my son is home sick from school today, so as he’s lying in bed next to me, I’m reading this and we get to Leta and Marlo’s pictures and both of us said “AWWWW” at the same time. He’s 7 and a ladies’ man already 😉

    I can’t believe the magic of Marlo’s dimples didn’t make that costume sprout wings 😉

  • Maria Davenport

    These are amazing pictures. Your article on your Halloween is fantastic. Thank you for sharing and we will come back next week to see how you dressed up the dogs. The little ones in the pictures looked like they were having a great time. casino online

  • Jayceekay

    Leta is growing so fast! Love her costume. Marley is just beautiful, beautiful….there is no doubting she is Leta’s little sister, that’s for sure.

  • donna boucher

    I love your storytelling.
    Beautiful pictures.

    I especially like the one of you kissing Marlo.

    Kissing mommies make my heart happy.

  • William

    Wow. Those hardwood floors are awesome.

  • pinkorchidscom

    Awwww that little bug costume is sooo freakin adorable! I didn’t dress up or do anything for halloween this year. I have a lil one on the way in January and its no fun to go to gatherings where everyone else is having spiked punch and having tons of fun.

  • kellyfaboo

    Dude, Marlo has moonbeams coming out of her butt!

    She’s adorable, and Leta is adorable. But I can tell you why she only lasted an hour. You sent that witch out without any shoes! Did she have to walk uphill — both ways — as well?

  • DarlingOne

    For the record, my 4-yr-old daughter loves dark chocolate, especially dark Hershey Kisses.

  • Diana The Doggy Mommy

    From a crafty little witch to a wiggly caterpillar they are the cutest kids that I know in Salt Lake.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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