An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

House of cough

Yesterday morning I woke up with a cold, one that hopped out of my chest, landed in Marlo’s and woke her up at 4AM this morning in a state that I can only describe as half-screaming, half-coughing, topped with a delicious icing of irrational outbursts. She was a raging fire we could not put out, and every attempt to comfort her caused the muscles in her neck to turn her head in circles. I will admit, about an hour into the flames I thought we could sell her to the traveling circus and she could set up a stall next to the lady whose lower body just happens to be a serpent. She would DAZZLE.

And so all of a sudden our very mild-mannered, smiley baby has become a vicious, object-grabbing bear who every three or four minutes will explode with anger or frustration. We feel like we’re living with Bobcat Goldthwait:

I can’t believe I’m about to write this because all it will do is invite the Universe to sit down and take a huge crap on the already fragile state of things in this house, but I will take a sick Marlo over a sick Jon or Leta ANY DAY. And I mean that lovingly, in the sense that Bobcat Goldthwait is rather charming and funny and entertaining, in his own maniacal way, and well. How do I put this… when Jon and Leta get sick, it’s like saving up your allowance for two years so that you can go to Disney World, only to make the trip and find out the whole park has been replaced with a dentist’s office.


All of that to say, we’re holding it together over here! Minus the chest cold and broken tailbone and infant sideshow. So together, in fact, that when Leta looked up at me this morning from the middle of her room in the frantic moments before school, the floor littered with every toy imaginable, and I told her that “there is nothing to play with” was the stupidest thing I had ever heard, she bit her lower lip, rolled her eyes and said, “FINE. I will figure something out, THEN.”

OMG, you guys. She’s starting to talk like I write.

  • filmlady11

    From the mouth of my (then) 5-year-old, pointing at another table at McDonald’s:
    “How about that fat bearded bitch?”

    Too many viewings of “Spaceballs.” BAD MOM

  • chicgeek75

    Great montage. Brings me back. Try watching it without the sound – still funny. Of course, for anyone born after 1985 is probably wondering what in the sam hell anyone was thinking in the 80s, that this? This was entertainment? Ah, but yes… they just don’t make movies like that anymore.

  • tiffanycarol

    For some it works, for some it doesn’t seem to, but having a cold mist humidifier in our girls’ room stops the nightly coughing almost instantly. It’s a miracle worker for us.

  • Amalia

    This reminds me of this hilarious video about the “man cold.”

    It’s a terrible epidemic known to many people, especially girlfriends and wives.

  • Bargain Junkie

    Now she talks like you. Wait until she’s a know-it-all teenager and talks DOWN to you – accompanied by lots of eye-rolling. We were all leaving for a party when my wise-ass sixteen-year-old looked me over and said “Is that REALLY what you’re going to wear?”

  • lexiecom

    I can’t believe the lack of discussion of Bobcat Goldthwait in this thread. “Police Academy” was one of my childhood delights. That and “Dirty Dancing.” But Steve Gutenberg sucked. It was all about Bobcat.

  • mommy gourmet

    Okay this is how I know I am the worst mommy in the world… when Tristan starts complaining about having nothing to play with… I grab a trash bag and start filling it. I tell him if these arn’t fun to play with anymore, we don’t need them.

    Yes, just like I have a college fund for him…we have a therapy fund too 🙂 Sigh.

  • JackTyler

    I know the feeling! I often get the same complications, glad there’s some things that can help fix it 🙂

  • Free Babysleep Music – C D Jensen

    LOL, a therapy account for your child is a really great idea! 😀


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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