Heater, Mother of Lance

Becoming referee

So, let’s see. How many ways have I mentioned that Marlo is completely different from Leta? She eats, she moves, she likes to French kiss electrical outlets… oh BY THE WAY. Those little plastic protectors? The ones that are supposed to prevent your baby from electrocuting herself? GUESS WHAT? Turns out they are the exact width of a baby’s esophagus. I found this out when she dug one out with her little baby fingers and tossed it back like a shot of Patrón.

Now she’s showing aggression. Full on get out of my way, no matter what, I will destroy you determination. First it started as I was holding her on my right hip, talking with Jon as we made lunch, and she decided she wanted to eat my necklace. I pushed away her hands only to have her push away my hands, grab hold of it again with the grip of someone hanging on for life, and then laugh at me. I’ll admit it, I pulled a Leta and shouted IT’S NOT FUNNY.

This little game of pushing each other’s hands out of the way continued until she realized I was serious, and that’s when her pushing became shoving became BITCH I WILL CUT YOU. I dangerously hesitated for a moment to see if Jon was watching all this craziness, when suddenly she lurched like a vampire toward my neck and grabbed my necklace with her mouth. What the? Dude, this is not a baby! This is something you find trolling the sewers looking for prey!

We’ve now had to have serious discussions with Leta about how she’s not supposed to let Marlo grab her glasses. Glasses are delicate. Marlo is not. When she reaches for them, SWAT HER.

Not really. But kind of. Maybe a really firm tap. Right in the forehead.

Leta, however, is also really delicate, and this morning she ran into the room after Marlo finished her bottle and jumped on the bed right beside her. Instantly, Marlo reached up and jerked Leta’s glasses off of her face. All three of us go NUH UH UH simultaneously, and Leta gently removed them from Marlo’s fingers. Marlo sensed Leta’s weakness, something she most certainly learned while trolling, and grabbed them again, this time while grunting and pushing Leta away with her other hand. OK. FOUL. I don’t watch sports, but Leta would definitely get two free throws for that one.

(I had to google free throws to make sure it wasn’t three throws. This is what Tyra does to your brain.)

Let’s just say that Leta ended up with her glasses safely perched on her face, her arms crossed, pouting that Marlo has moved on from playing tickle games to tackle football. And Marlo lay on her back acting as if a current of electricity was running the entire length of her body, an ungodly noise hissing its way through her two bottom teeth. The only two teeth in her mouth.

God help Jon when all three of us sync up.

  • kimba

    2010/05/24 at 3:13 pm

    i come from a family of 4 girls. syncing up is the real reason polygamy shouldn’t be allowed! i quickly learned why some tribes send women off during their cycles. genius.

  • MJBUtah

    2010/05/24 at 3:14 pm

    ahhh, the Grabby McGrabersons phase. Always followed up by the visit from Screechy McTantrum.

  • hammy

    2010/05/24 at 3:16 pm

    Sounds like my daughter!

    Wait until the pushing away becomes full-on slapping.

  • BexBrown

    2010/05/24 at 3:17 pm

    I have 4 daughters and have a baby boy to add to the mix. Hold onto your hats folks, it gets SO much worse! Can’t wait to watch the next season!

  • The Prima Momma

    2010/05/24 at 3:21 pm

    My sweet, loving, would-never-hurt-a-fly, son has recently taken to clocking me as hard as he can. He may be small, but DAMN, that hurts – especially when you don’t expect it.

    Let’s hope these particular phases pass sooner rather than later…

  • Schnauzie_Mom

    2010/05/24 at 3:23 pm

    Shots of Patron…ahh! Sounds like she’s going to make someone a great wingman at the bar someday:-)

  • Chez Sanderosa

    2010/05/24 at 3:24 pm

    “God help Jon when all three of us sync up.” – BWHAHAHAHA!!!

  • witchuponastar

    2010/05/24 at 3:44 pm

    um, those electrical protectors fit in a variety of baby parts and if you had twin girls you would also know that.

  • sweetpotatopie

    2010/05/24 at 3:46 pm

    No. I don’t believe you. Marlo looks way too sweet to be this monster you have described. Those eyes? Those dimples? Nope. Not possible.

  • SLCgirl

    2010/05/24 at 8:44 pm

    Yeah, the outlet covers themselves are a choking hazard. Babinski’s in Foothill Village sells outlet covers that are wall plates. They are pricy, so I’m taking them with me when we move!

  • Parsing Nonsense

    2010/05/24 at 4:08 pm

    I guess Marlo’s just fulfilling that axiom of wild second children. Poor Leta’s going to have to start learning how to fight with her gloves off, or at least start learning how to make it look like every bad thing’s her little sister’s fault…

  • mycouchhascrumbs

    2010/05/24 at 4:09 pm

    I.so.know. I honestly believe you and I, of course I am biased, but I believe that you and I have the most adorable babies. They are just about a month apart. Jacob turned 12 months on May 8. I also believe some day they should get married, but hey, thats not the point here. I didnt think I could get a happier baby then my first son, and then Jacob came a long. And he is SUCH a happy little boy, and so so sweet. BUT. in the last month or so, his temper has shown up full force. And it is something to be very very afraid of. That sweet little thing will scream and flail and let his body go limp if you even think of taking something away from him. Usually he likes to try to unplug things, which of course gives me a heart attack every time. And now that he has a mouth full of sharp puppy teeth, he thinks its hilarious to bite me. During his rage he will clamp down on whatever body part he can, and when I react(or dont, tried that too) he will laugh in that evil laugh, and then continue to throw his massive fit. So. I feel your pain. I know how misleading it can be to have this adorable little baby, and have them scare the crap out of you. Well, really I just shake my head, and turn away so I can laugh at him. *sigh* oh being a mom, huh?

  • twelvedaysold

    2010/05/24 at 4:10 pm

    This is your brain on Tyra?

  • juliemewood

    2010/05/24 at 4:16 pm

    Ummmm, amen to that! Our 2nd is an exact replica of what you just described. Watch out!!

    Oh, and good luck too!

  • austinmomof7

    2010/05/24 at 4:38 pm

    My youngest is definitely the meanest. Everyone says that it’s because she has to compete with six older brothers and sisters, but that’s totally bogus. She’s just plain mean and all six of them bow down to her and give her whatever she wants. She is in charge and she knows it.

  • tallnoe

    2010/05/24 at 5:36 pm

    Thank you for that… just when I thought… “the cuteness…” HAHAHAH

    Never mind. I like my birth control method.


  • MelissaJ

    2010/05/24 at 6:10 pm

    ahhh…the second child; had that child been born first, an ONLY child it would have been. maybe they sense that your defenses are down; you think you know it all so they’ll show you…whatever it is, God love 2nd babies…they are different!

  • Brea

    2010/05/24 at 6:17 pm

    Marlo is a total bad ass! She will be a force to reckon with.

    I hope you’ve got a good hickey from all that lunging and biting at your necklace. Makes for a great story (although the story was pretty good with the trolling vampire analogy).

  • adulterousellie

    2010/05/24 at 6:20 pm

    Jon, just climb into the toaster now. Truly. It will just save time and hassle (and who knows, maybe even agony) in the long run.

  • Mrs. Q.

    2010/05/24 at 6:25 pm

    It’s NUMBER TWO! (The kid kind, not the um *that* kind.)

    They are insane. Parenting experts say it’s because they learn faster from their siblings, but my first child never ate plug covers, climbed the bookcase or tried to crawl into the dryer.

  • akturner1

    2010/05/24 at 6:44 pm

    I laughed out loud at this post, thanks! I love Marlo’s antics!

  • ATXGirl

    2010/05/24 at 7:15 pm

    Last line – epic…. LOL I fear the same when my little girl and I “sync up”… poor Hubs….

  • Lucy mom

    2010/05/24 at 7:53 pm

    You know, one of my favorite memories is about 13 years old. I was in my boss’s office at 8:30 pm and she had her 1 year-old there. She wanted to give me something to do, handed me her son , and started digging through her desk. Suddenly, she looks at me and screams – I’m perplexed but look down at her son in my arms and see that he has my beautiful black onyx stone necklace in his mouth. And frankly, he looks like he’s fine with it. I started laughing, stopped when I saw the I’ll-fire-you-on-the-spot-bitch look on her face and calmly removed the necklace from him and handed him back to his mother.

    Two weeks later my own little Lucy sucked down the same necklace and I lauhghed again, only this time the job wasn’t on the line.

    I like that you and Jon enjoy every moment of this time.

  • blytheswideshut

    2010/05/24 at 7:53 pm

    Elliott who is two weeks younger than Marlo is about 1 month ahead of her in the “aggressive baby” stakes. We have squealing, biting, slapping and shoving.

    The worst part of it is the out and out belly laugh at being reprimanded and the word “No!” well, lets just say he seems to think it’s some sort of comedy routine.

    My favourite it the lunge for something – glasses, necklace, buttons, laptop – the reprimand – the laugh at being told off, then the gentle way he snuggles into your shoulder looks up at you – then !crunch! the vicious bite in your delicate neck/shoulder/arm/BREAST-flesh.

    I want my cute little one back. This almost walking, climbing, screeching monkey-baby is getting sent back.

  • mamadouce

    2010/05/24 at 8:13 pm

    my 2 year old consistently bullies my 4 year old. It is too funny! He actually takes his older brothers toys just because he knows that it gets him all riled up. Yesterday, he grabbed his favorite planet hero figure and ran away giggling the whole time and finally getting down on all fours and shoving it under the couch. My older son was hysterical crying, while his baby bro stuck his thumb in his mouth and cooly waddled away as if to say, “my work here is done.” Was it wrong that my husband and I just watch this all go down, laughing and certainly not intervening?

  • kristanhoffman

    2010/05/24 at 9:19 pm

    LOL to kimba’s comment, and thank heavens Coco doesn’t have a cycle too… (Or at least I assume.)

  • mamakelly

    2010/05/24 at 9:31 pm

    Inevitably, I will someday be punished for how hard I just laughed at that. I know my day will come.

  • Angeerah

    2010/05/25 at 1:59 am

    Seriously, what is with the laughing? W is a little older than Marlos and does this to me all the time. He thinks that me reprimanding him is the most hysterical thing ever. I can only imagine what junior high will be like.

  • dykewife

    2010/05/25 at 3:02 am

    screw syncing, think of what the poor man will be like if y’all sequence. one, then the other then the last. in sync he has the idea that after a few days it’ll all be over. in sequence it won’t end until you decide to go into menopause and the girls move out of the house.

    i love thinking positive thoughts.

  • SarahP of NakedCupcakes

    2010/05/25 at 5:23 am

    He’ll probably have to leave for 5 to 7 days each month, returning only to throw red meat and chocolate into the window once a day.

  • magwilky

    2010/05/25 at 6:44 am

    I feel your pain. My girls are very similar to yours. My first child: very sweet and gentle, the younger one, who is now 4, spawn of the devil (just kidding, kind of) She loves to bully her 8 year old sister. The physical harm peaked when she was between 2.5 and 3.5 and has tapered slightly, but maybe because the big sis started fighting back. Oh man, it is a CHALLENGE (read: pain in the ass) mediating between the 2 of them, usually I just let them duke it out.

  • Candy

    2010/05/25 at 6:46 am

    Jon, I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve started praying for you NOW.

  • TexasKatie

    2010/05/25 at 7:49 am

    She is still the cutest little lovebug ever! Whether she is a grabby, biting vampire bat or not! 🙂

  • andrea_j

    2010/05/25 at 7:52 am

    My heavens, you gave birth to Coco’s twin..on tequilla.

  • Missives From Suburbia

    2010/05/25 at 8:03 am

    I’m going out on a limb here and saying it’s the second child. Because mine is the same way, and my first one is just like Leta. Well, not JUST like Leta, because that would make him more anal-retentive than me, and he’s not that bad. Yet. But, yeah, we call my second one the little beastie.

  • emmadden04

    2010/05/25 at 8:17 am

    outlet problem? i love love love these. http://www.acehardware.com/product/index.jsp?productId=1294949&CAWELAID=155441507

    keeps my 2 yr old away from “french-kissing” the outlets—and no choking hazards unless Marlo can use a screwdriver or power tools.

  • luv and kiwi

    2010/05/25 at 9:20 am

    my heart went pitter pat after reading “bitch i will cut you”

  • dabbles

    2010/05/25 at 9:29 am

    ok, so i loved the blog before marlo, because i know that leta and my daughter have a lot in common. like they could be twins, except for the age difference and the fact that actually my older daughter eats everything. then marlo came along. about the same time as my younger daughter (who just turned one yesterday!) and when i read about marlo i think “wait a damn minute! heather came to my house, watched my kid, took notes, and DIDN’T stay for drinks? WTF”

    marlo and my youngest would be the best play date in the world. they would conspire on ways to destroy the world and heather and i could lay by my pool drinking margaritas.

  • IsadoraTheFury

    2010/05/25 at 9:50 am

    I laughed hysterically when reading this! I can appreciate your disbelief regarding Marlo’s “craziness”. I have two girls as well. They are 2 and 3. Everyday I wonder how I’ll make it to age 5 nevermind 15. *Sigh* Oh well. Somehow it still brings me overwhelming joy with the intermittent moments of terror.

  • Keri

    2010/05/25 at 10:12 am

    I totally laughed out loud all throughout this post. A way with words you have indeed.

    Lesson learned: Not a good idea to drink water while reading Dooce.

    Also, I can relate. My son Jude is a shark when it comes to things he wants in his hands. He’s picking up words left and right, and while he refuses to say “mama,” I have a feeling that “STEP OFF, BITCH” isn’t too far off.

  • momof8

    2010/05/25 at 11:05 am

    I have 6 boys and 2 girls and let me tell you, when we sync up it totally negates the testosterone!

  • medwards

    2010/05/25 at 11:05 am

    My son was the best baby and kid. He started sleeping through the night at six weeks, was never interested in anything electrical, would play by himself for hours at a stretch, even watched entire movies for an hour and a half at 12 months. Was a little picky eating, he lived on peanut butter and chicken nuggets, but grew up to be 6’3″. However, he’s now 17 years old and I don’t know how we survived the last year and I’m not sure we’ll survive the next one. If there is anything a teen-ager can do he has done.

    On the other hand, my daughter is 4 1/2 and has always been into everything, demands total attention from everyone in the room, eats anything, including the outlet covers, and can be very physically punishing. I’m just praying she’s getting the rebellion out now and not waiting until she’s a teenager. I don’t think I’ll survive another one.

  • Kassi

    2010/05/25 at 11:56 am

    that’s what we call “girls night” and the guys all have to leave or be subject to our whim. It works. Poor Armstrong 🙂

  • Monkey

    2010/05/25 at 3:03 pm

    My youngest is like that as well. One of the first pictures of my two boys has my youngest pushing on his brother. And so it began.

  • hoosiergirl1962

    2010/05/25 at 4:04 pm

    All I wanna know is…..
    Has she done the “throw yourself on the floor. become stiff as a board and scream like a banshee” yet???
    Just a coming attraction….

  • funke

    2010/05/25 at 5:10 pm

    This officially goes down as the funniest Dooce post for me. There’s something about that ridiculously cute, innocent, angel from heaven baby bossing the whole house around that I find hilarious.

  • freckleface

    2010/05/25 at 5:37 pm

    Lol… “sync up”. It’s like you guys are iPods.

  • Brian V. Hunt

    2010/05/25 at 7:45 pm

    Can’t you stop this behavior by just giving her shots of Patrón?

    Also, the captcha I got when I signed up for Dooce was climax zinnias. Anyone know where they grow those and whether you can smoke them?

  • Starr

    2010/05/25 at 9:05 pm

    Just wait until she starts hitting complete strangers in the back of the head. Oh, wait. That wasn’t a complete stranger. It was only a VP of one of the companies my husband does business with!

  • sexylikeapeanut

    2010/05/25 at 9:18 pm

    I’m in tears laughing because I’m dealing with the same thing. My baby girl is almost exactly a month older than Marlo. My son is soon to be three. When he gets in her way, she grabs him around the waste and throws herself backwards, taking him with her. While growling. My terror started walking at 10 months and has been tearing it up since.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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