the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Summoning my roots

Yesterday I was snacking on some carrots (WHAT? Yes, I snack on carrots, it’s what all the gangstahs are doing) when Marlo asked if she could have one. Unfortunately, Coco has this radar that goes off in her head when Marlo is anywhere near food, it probably rings CRUMBS! CRUMBS! CRUMBS! and she will follow her around. Not to protect her like her breed is supposed to do, no. She does it for the chance TO STEAL FROM HER. Like a fox or a wolf or, you know, a domestic cat.

So I handed Marlo a carrot, and believe you me, I have heard the horror stories about carrots and kids and how carrots are the perfect shape and size to block off the air in a toddler’s throat. So I watch her every move when she’s holding a carrot so that in the off chance she sticks it in her mouth I can swat it out of her hand like a ninja. That’s my super power: swatting carrots. You can hire me for parties, preferably adult ones.

Why do I give her a carrot in the first place if I’m not going to let her eat it? BECAUSE I HAVE TO PRACTICE MY SUPERPOWER. Duh.

Sure enough, Coco appeared out of nowhere, and within seconds her snout was touching Marlo’s hand. So I got in her face and said, “I’m on flick you in the head, son.” In my most fierce and menacing Southern accent. I wouldn’t ever actually flick Coco in the head, no. It’s just the tone of my voice that let’s her know I mean business:

Right then Leta laughed and said, “Wow. You sounded EXACTLY like Grandmommy just then.”

HA! AWESOME. I called my mother, told her what had just happened, and concluded that she must come across as a fierce and menacing Southern force to her grandchildren. I could hear her waving her middle finger at me through the phone when she responded, “And I guess I’m going to read all about this on your website tomorrow?”


  • ADDGirl

    2011/05/25 at 12:50 pm

    hahaha Starting to sound like one’s mother is a sign of growing up. Being OK with it might mean that you are there.

  • junebug67

    2011/05/25 at 12:58 pm

    I really need for that to be my ringtone!

  • Becky Cochrane

    2011/05/25 at 1:04 pm

    I’m not sure Coco looks completely intimidated. She’s not watching enough TV with Southern State Troopers.

  • ChickWhitt

    2011/05/25 at 1:06 pm

    Hey I was 16 the first time I sat a kid on the side of the pool for being bad.

    I cried the whole way home!

  • Snarky Drea

    2011/05/25 at 1:08 pm

    Ahahahahahaah. Oh. My. GOSH.
    The voice. Hahaha, Heather. The VOIIIICEEEE.

    Thank you.
    Also, what an effin’ cute dog!

  • slappyintheface

    2011/05/25 at 1:10 pm

    If I ever start sounding like my mother then I am going to have my voice box surgically removed. OH HELL NO !!!

  • mybottlesup

    2011/05/25 at 1:20 pm

    so did coco get the carrot or the flick in the head?

  • smeep248

    2011/05/25 at 2:08 pm

    this is unrelated to anything and yet COMPLETELY related to everything:

  • ncw

    2011/05/25 at 2:10 pm

    As I’m from the south as well, I think I can say- it’s “I’ma”, not “I’m on”. Just sayin…

  • kaethend

    2011/05/25 at 3:26 pm

    I want to *like* junebug67’s comment. Make it happen, JON.


  • jenwilson

    2011/05/25 at 4:05 pm

    haaaaaaa! my husband says the same thing. “you’re going to write about this, aren’t you?”

    You do sound Southern. And Coco’s reaction is exactly like my kids’ reaction when I threaten them. Non-existent.

  • Totah Sam

    2011/05/25 at 4:15 pm

    “And I guess I’m going to read all about this on your website tomorrow?”



    My grandmother was from Chattanooga (Signal Mountain to be exact) and you reminded me of her when she used to talk about “Them Arkansas liars!”

    Arkansas is famous for its outrageous folk tales which my straight laced Baptist Grandmother (who only dabbled with apricot brandy which she hid in her cupboard) did not approve.

    Thanks for the walk down memory lane. I loved that ol’ bitch. 😉

  • Becky Cochrane

    2011/05/25 at 4:33 pm

    @#9–Don’t want to start a war in Dooce comments, but I’m from the South, too–Mississippi mother, Alabama daddy–and contend that “I’m’a'” and “I’m’on'” are both “right”–just two different Southern dialects.

  • RebeccaSoFla

    2011/05/25 at 6:24 pm

    Great story Heather. I hope in the next few days you plan to acknowledge the despair and agony of our fellow Americans in the mid-west who have been ravaged by one tornado after the other and have lost everything including loved ones and homes. Maybe you can use your super-blog-star status to help a family or something totally crazy like that. Your carrot story is so inspirational it almost lifts you to Oprah status. Your blog has gotten predictable; even with all your poop and boob talk, it reeks of pretentious self worship.

    As a disclaimer I would like to add: I realize the Dooce lickers are going to gang up on me and tell you that you are wonderful, etc. You are wonderful but you lack sensitivity and are self absorbed. Someone has to tell you.

  • UpperBottom

    2011/05/25 at 6:42 pm

    Um. Ok. Hi!

    Comment virgin, here. This is my first time ever even reading your comments (although I’ve been a follower for a while). Anyway OH NO SHE DIDN’T.

    I get this. I get what you do here. And thanks, Heather, for the carrot story! Just what I needed to break up my work day and bring a smile to my face.

    You’re awesome.

    Someone has to tell you. : )

  • Balkan Girl Down Under

    2011/05/25 at 7:26 pm

    “I’m on flick you in the head, son.”

    Hahahahah. GOLD.

    (I’m imagining it with a glorious Cletus accent.)

  • Lauren3

    2011/05/25 at 8:23 pm

    a) How silly of a world it is that you have to preface your cool story by saying you wouldn’t ever flick Coco in the head. I know I know, the Crazy Dog People would get emailz up in your shiz… but the rest of us Reasonable Crazy Dog People realize sometimes those (lovable) numnuts need a good flick.

    b) Anywho, this reminds me of a story I think you might enjoy. My pop-pop (mom’s dad) was a WWII vet, stoic, talked rarely, conservative, PA dutch-ish accent.

    He and my dad used to go fishing together. One time they went somewhere new, and to get to the creek had to cross an abandoned field where cattle used to graze.

    There was an electric fence up that my dad assumed was inactive by then (foreshadowing…). My dad and pop-pop hadn’t said a word to each other yet (they both liked it that way), but when they came to the fence my dad said, “Hold on. Let me make sure it’s not on.”

    He went over and grabbed it, fully expecting nothing to happen, but of course the electric was still on and he was zapped onto his back.

    My pop-pop slowly walked over, stood over him, looked down, and said: “Huh. Now ya know how ’em cows felt.”

    My dad gave the eulogy at pop-pop’s funeral, and that was one of the stories he told.. brought him to tears.

  • Sarah McDougall

    2011/05/25 at 9:00 pm

    Wow! I hate to say it but it looks like Coco didn’t even flinch. Maybe you should try using Gibert Godfrey’s voice next time. His voice always scares me.

  • Helen Tarnation

    2011/05/25 at 10:01 pm

    ROFLMAO…out of the mouths of babes. Don’t you love it when things happen just like you planned???

  • Sabine

    2011/05/25 at 10:32 pm

    Wow. Her face was just awesome. I loved the little “Innocent! See?” smile she briefly gave.

  • KatR

    2011/05/25 at 11:49 pm

    I swear to God, if “Boobs, Poop, and Pretentious Self Worship” is not the header next month, I am going to be SO disappointed.

    And RebeccaSoFla, how about providing some links where people can donate to disaster relief? I know is good, but I’m sure people would want to hear about others as well.

  • leeshapwnz

    2011/05/26 at 5:22 am

    To quote the ever-quotable Kurt from Glee: “It doesn’t take much courage for people to park their cottage cheese behinds in their Barcaloungers and log onto the internet and start tearing people down.”

    Someone had to say it.

  • latsyrcami

    2011/05/26 at 8:00 am

    OOH I chocked so badly on a carrot when I was 3, I came very close to dying. Carrots scare me to death, and I wont ever eat them, or probably let my kids have them til they are significantly older!! lol

  • D McKean

    2011/05/26 at 8:50 am

    Longtime reader, first time commenting; but I couldn’t resist…Dooce lickers?? Really? If you’re going to post something so pompous and righteous, PLEASE use the correct word.

    Dooce lickers…hahaha, I guess that’s to be expected on a blog titled

  • michellep

    2011/05/26 at 9:20 am

    Infrequent commentor, frequent reader…Big LIKE to leeshapwnz’s comment!! I’m so sick of commenters on blogs, online stories etc. who feel like they can say anything just because they’re online. Would you be so “brave” (ie rude) in person? Sadly, some people probably would. Love your story, Heather, love the blog. Yes, it’s incredibly sad what is happening right now in my home state of Missouri (and many other areas that are still recovering from storms and other disasters), but if I want to read more about those topics I will watch the 6 o’clock news or log on CNN or another NEWS site! Keep up the great work, Heather, and please keep blogging about the boobs and poop : )

  • sweetpotatopie

    2011/05/26 at 11:27 am

    My ten year old daughter was looking over my shoulder when I watched this and then, like the good little obsessive compulsive she is, insisted we watch it 27 more times. Now “I’m ‘on flick you on the head, son” is the new mantra in our house.


  • LoveyLoo

    2011/05/27 at 6:44 am

    Interesting. I am surprised that you blocked someone for a fairly nonabrasive opinion. There was “some” truth in what RebeccaSoFla said. Why is it so hard for people to accept criticism? After all you have been through Heather, and considering it is your readers who pay for you and your husband’s lifestyle, I assumed you had thicker skin. Something she said must have really struck a chord with you. Maybe you need to up your meds and print her comment to take with you when you go check in to the mental hospital again. Too much reality for poor Heather. By the way, in our house, we call poop “deuce” although, not because of you, but because deuce is another word for 2 and #2 is poop. It’s fitting 😛 So long Deuce!

  • green eggs and spam

    2011/05/27 at 4:45 pm

    I personally thought that was hilarious.

    I can see how some people would take offense, but that’s no reason to be offensive towards heather on her own website. You chose to visit her site and are free to leave at any time. She is not out on your front lawn singing Yankee Doodle at midnight. She is not out to offend people but rather speak her truth. She has chosen to put her life out there flaws and all and not many people would do that.

    I am sure that everyone does stuff every day that would be deemed as insensitive or offensive. It is a matter of how we handle such situations. And obviously a few people can’t handle it.

    oh, that was insensitive of me wasn’t it…
    TOO BAD!!!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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